Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Make it stop...

There has been something heavy on my shoulders,
and it feels like its been a really long time.
The load wasn't dropped all at once,
it was more like one brick at a time...
so that as I slowly started shriveling under the weight,
it wasn't so significant that those around me took any notice.

As these bricks settled on me, one at a time,
I tried so hard to carry the weight...
to not show my weakness,
to not ask for help.
And now, as I finally crumble and fall from the weight of this last year,
and all its bricks,
those around me looked shocked.
That is,
if they even look at all.

These bricks took form after months of an unsure future...
after interviews that led to nothing (including the last one that would have been perfect)...
after trying to make sense of the ruins around me and not finding anything.

However, for some reason God felt the need to put them there.
And as I grapple with this concept,
the heart of who I am,
who I was,
is finally being forever changed by the added weight.

And I feel like I am completely falling a part.
There is no way to answer the questions in my head,
to find reason in any of it at all.
Why did we move here if Will was just going to die?
Why am I still not pregnant?
Why are there so many interviews, yet no job?
Why does God keep ignoring my prayers?

As I type this,
I am crying.
I am extremely let down by our move to Michigan.
This is something I deeply regret.
It has led to our son's death...and to other losses.
All because we tried to do the right thing,
so how does it seem that we are instead being punished.

This is the bottom for me,
where anger at everything finally lashes out,
where I want to scream
but I am just so exhausted from it all.
I simply would like two things that most people take for granted,
in fact,
a lot of people have both and don't realize how blessed they are:
a job and a child.
And I just want to quit...
because this is just so wrong.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Today...

...I am trying to...

Find the motivation to get out of my pajamas and into the shower...

Pray constantly for peace and patience while I wait for that phone call...

Stretch my pathetic legs out after not "honoring my body" and pushing just a little too much at yoga last night...

Not completely lose my mind...waiting for that phone call...

Get rid of my migraine by popping Excedrin and guzzling as much Diet Coke as possible...

Cuddle in bed with my big, fat 70 lb. lap dog...

Tell myself that I am happy with my current circumstances...

Make some chicken salad and not eat more pizza...

Imagine what might be in store for me in another year...

Go to the bank...

Take as many naps as possible so I won't have to think about my fate or my headache...

Not waste time on facebook...

Thank God in all circumstances, even if the outcome is not what I want...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Today is a new year of sorts...
This weekend marked one year,
and it was a time where both Tim & I reflected
on everything from our move across the country,
to jobs,
to wanting kids,
to what we think this next year will bring.
Overall, a lot of unknowns...
just the same as this time last year.


Yesterday was challenging
as we relived our last hours with our son
while he was with us on earth.
And today, marks one year that I have been home.
Right around this time, I was discharged...
marking something many people take for granted.
Freedom.


Freedom to walk,
to eat whatever I wanted,
to be outside,
to sleep in my own bed,
and to cry in privacy instead of hiding in the shower...


Right around this time,
we were making that dreaded trip down the hospital hallway
for the last time.
And as I was loaded into the car,
without a baby,
my body broken...
I vowed to survive this.
And I kept repeating this to myself.
I repeated it over and over,
as we had our first meal outside the hospital in 8 weeks.
Then at the funeral home,
where we were left alone to make arrangements.


As I walked into that place,
it was so surreal.
We had only lived here for 4 months
and I was already visiting the mortuary and funeral home,
where I had attended numerous funerals while growing up.
I never thought I would be back here so soon,
and especially not for my own child.
But as I walked in there,
I knew.
Will was there,
I felt it in my soul,
in my body,
in my aching heart.


That kind of aching doesn't really go away,
but I can say
that it is no longer the same piercing pain it was.
Then again,
maybe it is,
I have just learned to live with it.
It is now a piece of who I am.

But I also have a different feeling,
a feeling of survival.
We made it through our first year without him.
Its been ugly and painful,
but here we are.
And we are functioning,
just a little differently than before.

To me,
it is one less year I have to live without part of my heart.
And in some strange way
I feel relief.
One year down...
how many more in still unknown,
but this is a start.
We are no longer at the beginning.
This may sound really strange to some,
but I am sure it has to make sense to a few.

And so here we go.
I figure that the more days that pass from now on,
bring us closer to something good.
Whether its a baby or a job,
we are closer today...
than a year ago today.
That much is for sure.

And another thing I know for sure,
I would not have been able to get this far without the love, prayers and support from so many of you...

Friday, July 17, 2009

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby...



Happy First Birthday, Will!

Today Daddy & I are celebrating your life, and the miraculous 52 hours we had with you...

You entered our world at 1:59 p.m. on a bright and sunny day. You were a fighter, and to us ~ perfect in every way. You had a piece of each of us built into you...Daddy's forehead and skinny knees, Mommy's mouth and hands, Grandma's toes, and Great-Grandpa's amazingly distinct blue eyes...the only surprise was all that dark hair!

It's hard to imagine what you would look like today, at a year old. We cherish that you will forever be a baby to us. In your short life you only felt love...no one uttered a harsh word or expressed unkindness to you. You only felt the love and prayers of your family and the hospital staff around you...and we will never know the full extent of your story and life on many others in this world. And the number of strangers praying for our family may never be known. But one thing is certain: You were here and you had weight in this world. You were loved and continue to be. And each day we wish you were here and miss you more that we ever thought possible.

We love you 'til the end...Mommy & Daddy

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

crazy

My brain in on overload,
so much in fact...
that I find myself taking naps just to stop the chaos in my head.
I am driving myself crazy.

This week since getting back from vacation
has been yet another emotional roller coaster.
Just to summarize:
2 interviews
A trip to the vet for Sophie's tail,
which wasn't moving and the vet said they might have to cut off.
WHAT?!
I totally broke down in the vet office,
not pretty.
After all that, turns out it was just a sprain and she is fine.
Was the whole drama about cutting off her tail really necessary.
We all know the answer to that...
Then on Monday I also started watching a 4 month old baby.
My plans were to begin a daycare here at home,
since I couldn't find a job.
I needed a schedule and some sort
of reliable income.

Silly me thought that I would watch
older children.
Instead I got 2 new babies.
What was I thinking?
I'll tell you.
When I started watching little man this week,
I can tell you that I wasn't thinking.
No wait,
I was thinking that by the time this day actually rolled around,
I would be pregnant.
That didn't happen,
and instead I found that crying myself to sleep was no longer a distant memory.

Please God,
make it stop.

So while I wait to hear about this last interview,
for a perfectly fitting job...
I pray that God hears my endless prayers.
I pray for peace,
and for calm,
and for a reason to get out of bed again.

Watching kids here is not a good idea,
it is too hard.
It brings to many "what would..." questions to mind,
and I have to wonder,
if none of this had happened,
if everything went the way we thought.
What would we be like?
Who would we be?

Because still,
even after a year...
the pain has not dulled
and the memories have not faded.
And still nothing significant has helped bring us up out of this...
at least not enough to know what we will be like...
who we will become now that this experience is woven into who we are.
Because we are still trying to pull ourselves out of the past
and are looking for a reason to bring hope in the present.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Prayer requests...

Time keeps creeping closer to the days I have been dreading for a really long time. On Friday, Will would have been one...and its a hard thing to imagine~that it has already been a year.

Another month of negative pregnancy tests
is just the latest realization that not a whole lot has changed for us.
Not yet anyways.
When Will passed away,
I didn't care about anything.
I wanted to die right along with him.
The only thing I wanted,
the only thing that gave a ray of hope,
was to be pregnant by the time this anniversary rolled around.
To make it slightly less painful,
to help make it bearable.
Now,
I'm just trying to keep it together...
to not ask why
or wonder how things could be different.

My other daily prayer
has been for a job.
I had a great interview last week,
and was actually surprised
when I got the "thank you but no thank you" email yesterday.
But I still hope that something will turn,
I have to.

The only thing I have left is hope.

So, tomorrow I have one last interview
for a truly perfect position.
A part time teaching job,
teaching my most favorite subjects:
Social Studies & Language Arts.
At the school I attended,
and had my most favorite and inspiring teachers.

To say that I hope this works out is an understatement.
I need this to happen.
For so many reasons...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Pics from CA





This was one of those vacations that you need a vacation from.
Orange County was busy, crazy...
and tons of fun.
We were occupied nearly every second,
and my challenge was adapting to the time change
and still finding ways to do and see everything and everyone that I wanted.
And overall, as hard as I tried,
it just didn't happen.
I could have stayed out there an extra month and still found things to do.
The best was seeing friends and visiting.
Which takes a lot of energy when you are used to sitting around alone all day.
And not being alone...
being surrounded by friends,
was something that I have needed for a really long time.
We hung out at the beach,
the pool,
got completely fried in the sun,
Tim went to an Angels game (I was busy being sick)...
we ate at our favorite restaraunts.
And we really tried to sit around and do nothing.
But most important is that we had fun...
July 4th was bittersweet,
we were surrounded by friends at their beautiful home.
Watching 3 different fireworks from atop the hill which is their backyard...
It was a far cry from last year,
being alone with Tim,
watching the fireworks from a wheelchair
while Will got the hiccups...
In many ways this year was better,
but in one big way it was not.
But that night,
was really the only time I felt really sad.
I always think its hard to be too depressed
when its 75 and sunny out all the time.
We did get something while we were out there,
a video of Will while he was alive from our friends.
It remains unwatched,
I'm not yet ready to lose that happy feeling from escaping my life for a week.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

California chaos...

Do I have some catching up to do...
we just got back home
and this trip was so insane
I didn't even have a chance to check my email,
until the day before we left.

So never mind blogging about it,
while we were actually there.

It was everything we needed,
and then some.
Can't wait to tell you about it...
that is,
after I get my chaotic thoughts together.

For those of you I didn't get a chance to see,
I am so sorry and sad that there just weren't more hours in the day.
And for those of you I did get to hang out with,
I miss you already!

Stay tuned for the details and photos:)