Wednesday, July 15, 2009

crazy

My brain in on overload,
so much in fact...
that I find myself taking naps just to stop the chaos in my head.
I am driving myself crazy.

This week since getting back from vacation
has been yet another emotional roller coaster.
Just to summarize:
2 interviews
A trip to the vet for Sophie's tail,
which wasn't moving and the vet said they might have to cut off.
WHAT?!
I totally broke down in the vet office,
not pretty.
After all that, turns out it was just a sprain and she is fine.
Was the whole drama about cutting off her tail really necessary.
We all know the answer to that...
Then on Monday I also started watching a 4 month old baby.
My plans were to begin a daycare here at home,
since I couldn't find a job.
I needed a schedule and some sort
of reliable income.

Silly me thought that I would watch
older children.
Instead I got 2 new babies.
What was I thinking?
I'll tell you.
When I started watching little man this week,
I can tell you that I wasn't thinking.
No wait,
I was thinking that by the time this day actually rolled around,
I would be pregnant.
That didn't happen,
and instead I found that crying myself to sleep was no longer a distant memory.

Please God,
make it stop.

So while I wait to hear about this last interview,
for a perfectly fitting job...
I pray that God hears my endless prayers.
I pray for peace,
and for calm,
and for a reason to get out of bed again.

Watching kids here is not a good idea,
it is too hard.
It brings to many "what would..." questions to mind,
and I have to wonder,
if none of this had happened,
if everything went the way we thought.
What would we be like?
Who would we be?

Because still,
even after a year...
the pain has not dulled
and the memories have not faded.
And still nothing significant has helped bring us up out of this...
at least not enough to know what we will be like...
who we will become now that this experience is woven into who we are.
Because we are still trying to pull ourselves out of the past
and are looking for a reason to bring hope in the present.

3 comments:

Scanlans said...

Again, I realize I don't know you, but can't let tomorrow pass without letting you know that I am still praying daily for you.
Matthew 7:7-8 says Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, and knock and the door will be opened for you. I let God know that I am not asking and seeking anymore for you, I am knocking LOUDLY. I can't imagine what the next few days will be like for you, but just hang on (which I can imagine you are tired of hearing that) and I know that God will open the door for you. Actually, he's a pretty great God, and will open hundreds.

Penni said...

I found your blog when my friends, The Daniels, were stranded in DC with Baby Gaines. You will be a constant in my prayers tomorrow. I won't give you any of the normal crap of I know how you feel, I know how your heart is breaking, etc. I don't. I just want you to know that I read your blog, and I think of you. I'm pulling for you. Just know that there are some out there tomorrow who will be lifting you up, trying to help you through it.

Megan Smith said...

It's a few hours early - I'm on CA time - , but Happy Birthday to William James! What a bittersweet day it must be for you and Tim - the celebration of the birth and LIFE! of an amazing miracle and the pain of what Monday brings. The Lord is going to be tired of hearing from me over the next few days as I pray harder than ever that you feel the comfort of the Lord, of each other and of all of us who love you. I pray that Friday, the Lord focuses your heart of the 52 beautiful hours...the 3120 miraculous minutes...that the Lord allowed you with Will. Julie, if I could WISH or PRAY you even another few minutes with Will I'd do it lady! - I wish that the Lord could have answered our prayers and allowed Will to stay here with his earthly Mommy and Daddy, but my heart rejoices that he is having the BEST birthday at all with his Heavenly Father. I know that this day is not the end of anything...not the end of your pain...not the end of your loss, but I do pray that the Lord uses this next year as a beginning...the beginning of a new little life, the beginning of opportunities like a job!, the beginning of new friendships, the beginning of a new hope. Happy Birthday Will - we love you, your parents love you more than you could every understand and best of all Jesus loves you most of all. What a joy - what an incredible life and testament! Amen ;)