Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Make it stop...

There has been something heavy on my shoulders,
and it feels like its been a really long time.
The load wasn't dropped all at once,
it was more like one brick at a time...
so that as I slowly started shriveling under the weight,
it wasn't so significant that those around me took any notice.

As these bricks settled on me, one at a time,
I tried so hard to carry the weight...
to not show my weakness,
to not ask for help.
And now, as I finally crumble and fall from the weight of this last year,
and all its bricks,
those around me looked shocked.
That is,
if they even look at all.

These bricks took form after months of an unsure future...
after interviews that led to nothing (including the last one that would have been perfect)...
after trying to make sense of the ruins around me and not finding anything.

However, for some reason God felt the need to put them there.
And as I grapple with this concept,
the heart of who I am,
who I was,
is finally being forever changed by the added weight.

And I feel like I am completely falling a part.
There is no way to answer the questions in my head,
to find reason in any of it at all.
Why did we move here if Will was just going to die?
Why am I still not pregnant?
Why are there so many interviews, yet no job?
Why does God keep ignoring my prayers?

As I type this,
I am crying.
I am extremely let down by our move to Michigan.
This is something I deeply regret.
It has led to our son's death...and to other losses.
All because we tried to do the right thing,
so how does it seem that we are instead being punished.

This is the bottom for me,
where anger at everything finally lashes out,
where I want to scream
but I am just so exhausted from it all.
I simply would like two things that most people take for granted,
in fact,
a lot of people have both and don't realize how blessed they are:
a job and a child.
And I just want to quit...
because this is just so wrong.


Penni said...

Don't quit. I won't bother with the "I know how you feel" because I don't. Thank you for reminding me that I am blessed and to not take those things for granted. I am praying for you daily and hope that, soon, there'll be something for you to smile about. Just don't give up.

Megan Smith said...

Ditto to the comment above! Couldn't have said it better. I will add one tidbit.... At least u can thank the Lord that u were not the moron who tried to buy a soda...machine jammed...he banged and shook the machine... The machine " repaid" him by crushing him to death. Right?... At least u have that ;)

Stacie said...

I think I may have only commented a time or two, if that. But, I wanted to comment tonight to say that I am praying for you. You don't know me, but I am praying for you. And the power of prayer from so many people I didn't know has been amazing as my son has fought brain and spine cancer. Hang in there.

Much love,
stacie smith

Lisa said...

You're right that we all take so much for granted. I know I do. I can't even imagine being in your shoes. You are such a strong, amazing person. I will continue to pray for you and Tim. I wish I could do more. I wish I could "fix" everything for you. Hang in there, Julie. Your strength and perseverance is truly admirable! :)

carriekuipers said...

You are right - MAKE IT STOP! Only up from here Julie