Thursday, August 27, 2009

Good news

Make sure you are sitting down...
I'm actually going to post some good news.
Sounds crazy,
but I have been waiting to write something actually, truly good for a really long time...

First, I got offered a part time job at a local school district.
Its 2 full days a week (Tues. & Thurs), for the entire school year.
I'll be a Media Specialist.
Once I actually know what this exactly means:
I will let you know.
Given that somewhere around 200 people apply for one job around here
(and there have been only a handful of openings this year with so many cuts and budget problems)
I feel very blessed to have been offered this.
It is perfect for where I am right now...
and I am breathing a little easier for the first time a long time.

Second, is that I had an "infertility" procedure done at the hospital this morning.
Aside from totally crying because you all know how much I love it when people poke and prod at me, and my MOST FAVORITE THING is getting those awesome pelvic exams...
well, it was bound to be a fabulous morning in radiology.
Not to mention simply the feel and smell of that place take me back in time.
So its no surprise that the tears flowed.

They inserted a tube with dye and then took x-rays to make sure the path was clear.
Well, first off...I felt right away as they were digging, that it wasn't.
I was not happy.
The doctor was perplexed as why she couldn't see the liquid.
And I was secretly cursing no one in general
that I even had to be there to begin with.
After a minor setback, which made me glad that I did go through with this...
it was all over.
No problems~no more obvious road blocks.
So we shall see.

My mind is now free from concern,
and we have a green light to proceed.
And if it does happen,
I can't help but think how great my new work schedule will be...
This week has been the kind of week I have waited nearly 18 months for.
So thankful its finally here.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Breaking Point

August.
No, I haven't written much.
There have been lots of reasons,
and I am finally where I need to be
so that I can really understand why.

Shortly after Will's anniversary,
we had friends out from California.
GREAT TIMES=Total distraction from reality.
After they left I was overcome with such a tense anxiety.
This feeling, truly led me to think that I must be going crazy.
I couldn't stop...
being angry at God,
crying,
obsessing over what I must have done wrong during interviews to always get that rejection,
questioning why in the hell I was getting worse with time and not better.

And finally a great friend,
offered a referral to go and talk with someone.
Because honestly, I could hardly stand myself
or our life...
anymore.
It was that bad.

But suddenly, I had a professional listening to everything,
and telling me that I wasn't crazy,
and that I wasn't even depressed.
No, I didn't suffer from anxiety...
and all the reasons I gave for my bad emotions?
A reason for them all.
And the weight lifted off my shoulders....

I am suffering from severe grief,
which is not the same as depression.
And why has everything started to fall into place?
We were told to read a book.
This is not just any book,
in fact,
I have read a lot of child loss and grieving books and this is totally different.
It is so different and so beneficial that I think every single person should read it.
Because it is not specific to any particular loss,
and has the potential to help recover the biggest of broken hearts.
The Grief Recovery Handbook

In fact, I would love for anyone to read this and
then share with me what they think.
I believe this book is for everyone, it will change the way you look at grief and how we "deal" with it...But more on that later.

In the meantime,
other things have been going on.
I have been dropping of my resume and had a few interviews.
This is really hard.
Waiting has never been a strong point for me.

And while I try to relax,
I also went to the doctor this week.
After some discussion, I am going to the hospital for a procedure tomorrow.
This will allow them to make sure I don't have any scar tissue,
or anything else evident going on...since I can't seem to get pregnant.
I am nervous.
In being proactive, I am wanting to believe it will be good...
however, I am afraid at what they may find.
Please pray that it goes well.

What a month.
The next week has the potential to be significant,
but instead of focusing on things happening that are outside of my control...
I'm going to continue to read that book...and take steps to heal this gaping hole in my heart.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Summer in pictures...





Just a little of what we have been up to lately...
lots of water,
lots of storms,
lots of happy wags from Sophie's whip of a tail:)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Will's new frame


Last fall we found this frame,
and knew we had to have it.
So for Will's 1st birthday...
we decided to give ourselves a present
in an attempt to somehow make it hurt a little less.

When it arrived the night before our company from CA arrived,
I quickly unwrapped it...
and it took my breath away.
Too perfect.
I love it...
And every word is true.