Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Breaking Point

No, I haven't written much.
There have been lots of reasons,
and I am finally where I need to be
so that I can really understand why.

Shortly after Will's anniversary,
we had friends out from California.
GREAT TIMES=Total distraction from reality.
After they left I was overcome with such a tense anxiety.
This feeling, truly led me to think that I must be going crazy.
I couldn't stop...
being angry at God,
obsessing over what I must have done wrong during interviews to always get that rejection,
questioning why in the hell I was getting worse with time and not better.

And finally a great friend,
offered a referral to go and talk with someone.
Because honestly, I could hardly stand myself
or our life...
It was that bad.

But suddenly, I had a professional listening to everything,
and telling me that I wasn't crazy,
and that I wasn't even depressed.
No, I didn't suffer from anxiety...
and all the reasons I gave for my bad emotions?
A reason for them all.
And the weight lifted off my shoulders....

I am suffering from severe grief,
which is not the same as depression.
And why has everything started to fall into place?
We were told to read a book.
This is not just any book,
in fact,
I have read a lot of child loss and grieving books and this is totally different.
It is so different and so beneficial that I think every single person should read it.
Because it is not specific to any particular loss,
and has the potential to help recover the biggest of broken hearts.
The Grief Recovery Handbook

In fact, I would love for anyone to read this and
then share with me what they think.
I believe this book is for everyone, it will change the way you look at grief and how we "deal" with it...But more on that later.

In the meantime,
other things have been going on.
I have been dropping of my resume and had a few interviews.
This is really hard.
Waiting has never been a strong point for me.

And while I try to relax,
I also went to the doctor this week.
After some discussion, I am going to the hospital for a procedure tomorrow.
This will allow them to make sure I don't have any scar tissue,
or anything else evident going on...since I can't seem to get pregnant.
I am nervous.
In being proactive, I am wanting to believe it will be good...
however, I am afraid at what they may find.
Please pray that it goes well.

What a month.
The next week has the potential to be significant,
but instead of focusing on things happening that are outside of my control...
I'm going to continue to read that book...and take steps to heal this gaping hole in my heart.

1 comment:

Beth Read said...

Yay Julie! I am so glad that the book is helpful to you. You deserve a lot of credit for taking the steps that you have in the past month. I just missed your call but hopefully we will talk soon. Best wishes for tomorrow! Beth:)