Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Oh, the lengths we will go to.
Or at least...that I will go to.
I'm tired of the way I feel here.
And I want to do something to change it.

Today, I went and had acupuncture done.
And this is a day after I just finished taking my last dose of Clomid.
My body is probably wondering what the hell is going on.
The fertility drugs made me feel awful...
an emotional wreck...
the acupuncture made me feel wonderful.

I'm just praying for a miracle this month.

What made me turn to acupuncture?
I got this book.
And it gave me some more hope,
and even before I read it, I knew that there was nothing wrong with me.
Except that some really tragic things have happened,
and it has reeked havoc on my body and my spirit.

I am not infertile.
Nothing is broken,
except for my heart...
and it must be connected to my uterus.
So I needed to get my Qi (pronounced chee) centered.
And I really feel like it did something today.
I left feeling better than when I came. And the emotional stress I had carried since Monday seemed to finally leave my tensed muscles.
On Monday I went to group and it was hard for a reason that I knew would eventually come.
There was a woman there mourning the death of 2 babies....which were triplets.
And then she told me she had been given one of Will's blankets...
I have been secretly hoping that no one would ever have to get one.
As I tied those memorial messages on each one over a year ago,
it pained me to think of someone else having to go through this hell.
It still does.
And when she told me of the blanket and what it meant to her,
it was as if something had gone full circle.
In my mind, if I could have given those blankets in hopes that 52 babies wouldn't die,
I would have given a million.

But as I laid there today and felt like a freaking pincushion,
something changed.
I have come to the point in grief where I am trying,
really trying,
to overcome this...and heal.
Now, all I can do is be consistent and keep praying.
I want it to work this month so badly.
And also know, that if it doesn't~clomid is not for me.
After going back and reading some old posts from this time last year,
I have come so far.
And for this, I am extremely grateful.


Penni said...

Praying for you this month...I'm so hoping this month is the month. You seem in a much better place these days, & that makes my heart smile.

Stacy and JB Grey said...

I am a friend of your moms from WMAES and had accupunture after 2 failed IVF cycles. Where do you go? I went to Dr. Zhou and loved her, it made me feel so relaxed and calm (this was just after losing my job so I needed it). I will be praying that this is the month and that accupunture relaxes you and is successful. We had our little miracle after our 3rd and final attempt! God is Good!