Thursday, October 1, 2009

Day: I lost count...

The rain is coming down,
with the cool fall wind blowing outside.
I am sitting here in my cozy bathrobe with warm coffee...
home from work because I'm sick....
and also, totally content.

Something should be wrong
with being so busy that you actually fall ill.
That the only time a person gets to chill out
is when they are home with the chills and a fever.

But I have been waiting SO LONG
to be busy,
to have a job,
to have a new sense of purpose...
that I am not having a hard time with being sick,
but I am bummed that I had to cancel teaching.

These last few weeks,
I have felt more like myself
than in all the time since moving here.
I am just annoyed that I have not been able to keep up with
the daily gratitude challenge.
But that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it.

Where I left off, the next "assignment" was to write a message of thanks for some of the "negative" things in my life.
In thinking about this, I have mixed emotions...
At one point in my life,
having Tim in the Marines and deployed to Iraq brought up bitterness and longing feelings at what our lives could have been at the time...had he been home, had he not been so busy, had he not been wounded in Fallujah.
But now?
I look back at that time in CA as a great growing period.
A span of time that was probably just as painful for those that loved me,
as it was for both Tim & I.
And yet, enough time has passed that I can look back and see all the good it brought out in us...
suddenly, it is no longer a negative, but a very large positive.

Fast forward 6 years.
Here we are, in our move to Michigan and losing the child we loved more than ourselves.
Obviously, death can be labeled as a current negative thing in my life...and because I associate this loss with the act of moving here, they will always be grouped as one.
And many people are probably to the point of thinking
"It was 15 months ago, get over it already."
But...I know it doesn't work that way.
In due time.
I have learned not to be rushed in this.
Not to ignore it.
Not to let others impact the time my heart needs to grieve.

And today, I am grateful.
Grateful for many things because of the last 16 months. Grateful for many things people take for granted and assume that it is owed to them.
I am walking away from this with many things...
A stronger faith.
A better relationship with my spouse.
A greater appreciation for simple living in every day life.

I have learned to let go.
I am no longer a control freak.
I don't care about the hurtful things others say...
because in the end?
They can judge and then walk away.

Will's shadow and the endless possibilities of his life
will always be part of my existence.
Just as a shadow suddenly appears, so do thoughts of him.

And while I reached the lowest point a year after his death,
I am grateful to know that progress is being made.
Feelings of happiness and contentment find me...
when I watch the sun rise as I drive to work,
as I stand in my beautiful yard and talk with neighbors,
as I am able to spend time with people who helped carry this burden with me...
who never gave up on me...
who allowed me to be sad...
who didn't shy away behind excuses...
who loved me when my sadness was unbearable even to myself...
and who have been my cheerleaders....
my friends.
Friends who are here because of the "negative" things.
Friends who I never would have become close with had all my dreams came true.

So, in the end, I have two choices in life.
Become bitter from the negatives...
or become better.
Obviously, you know which one I'm aiming for.

1 comment:

Megan Smith said...

I misplaced your email...

God has a funny sense of humor. I've been trying to get a Baby Be Blessed Doll for Lucy for 2 years now to no avail. I finally joined their blog, facebook and checked their website daily and ...tada! we have one arriving in a month or so.

I ALSO donated to the companies Give a Blessing for the month and...hahahahah....won a personalized doll! SO - I want Will to have this doll. Check out the website - choose either a boy doll or a lamb, and send me the bible verse and all the particulars of what you like. I hope that some day when the Lord blesses you with another child, he or she can squeeze the Will doll tight and feel close to him.

Call me if you would rather arrange it that way. Love the Lord's planning ;)