Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dreams & reality...

It has been so busy lately.

Now I know that God knew just what he was doing when he put this specific job in my path. Its only 2 days a week, but with planning, meetings, and other sub days I feel like my life has been one of those cartoons where it shows the old style calendar pages flying off the wall and blowing away.

The days have been blowing away...
And so I am getting used to trying to be normal again,
which is actually very hard after so many major changes.
But things are going okay.

But I get constant reminders that other's lives are quickly progressing as well, and then it seems like my life is going way too slow.
Still no baby...Still, we are waiting.

And I would be lying if I wrote that it didn't bother me. I'm sick of waiting, sick of feeling like a bad person when in my heart when I pray and all I can mutter sometimes is..."When will it be our turn?"

Yes, it is the last month before I try a drug to increase our chances. But I don't even want to think about that. There have been consultations and tests, yet nothing to say why its taking so long. So we wait. And we are tired.

And as we wait out these final days, I go from extremes. One day I hardly give it a thought, then the next I am fighting an urge that it won't ever happen for us. Thoughts of adoption to surrogates goes through my head. At times, the battle to stay positive seems like an endless ocean...yet every day I continue to hold onto some mysterious shred of hope..that one day soon, things will change.

And it will happen. Even thought I am sick of waiting.

But in other areas...Some other things are changing.
We are getting a new car.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal,
but in true Julie fashion~there is a great story behind it all.

Cars hold a special place for Tim and I.
Because life changing events have unfolded around ours...
Tim's car was bought the day after he returned home from Iraq.
I remember sitting in the dealership, worried that he was going to fall over from exhaustion.
He was on Iraq time, and yet we HAD to buy a car that day.
So his Jeep has been a trustworthy vehicle,
loaded with histories and memories of Camp Pendleton,
driving all over L.A.,
dropping him off for his 2nd tour in Iraq...
sitting there in the early morning,
watching him walk away and wondering if it would be the last time I would see him,
and lastly, me driving it across the country on my way back home.
Actually, Will and I sitting there for many days...
allowing me time to think about how great it all was going to be.
How great it was all supposed to be...
that disappointment is finally beginning to dull.

As the miles piled up on that car, so did the memories.
Now, its time for something else.
So when we started "sort of" looking it wasn't a big deal.
But of course, something showed up...
because we weren't planning on it.
Those of you that know me are going to laugh:
We bought a car on EBay.

Yes. Ebay.
My friends in CA know I buy everything from there.
My nurses and doctors watched me buy things (and sell too)
as I was laying in my hospital bed.
I love eBay.

So tomorrow, I will fly down to the dirty south (NC)
and pick up the car.
My girlfriend is meeting me for a girl's night in Charlotte.
I can't wait.
And I say "why not?"
I might as well live it up,
life is too stay tuned for some pics.

What is that?
Oh its 80 degrees and sunny down there?
You mean I have to leave the rain and frigid temps?
Darn it:)
Perhaps I'll just stay down there.


carriekuipers said...

I love drugs... uhhh... fertility drugs that is! All of my kids came from the good stuff. When they are older I will tell them that I used drugs to get pregnant with them and I used drugs to deliver them:)

Your turn at the front of the line has to come soon - no more being booted to the back...

Penni said...

I am LOVING the new tone of your posts. Hey, I live in the "dirty South". It was 85 here today, and no, I'm not in Florida! Congrats on your new car, enjoy your trip, and keep up the posting!

Megan Smith said...

Today is October 15th and although I pray for your family and remember Will every day, I'm praying for special comfort today and remembering all 3 of your children who God has called home. I know today is a day of rememberance, but I hope it's also a day when God finally answers your prayers and sends you a child to hold and keep here. Hoping and praying that next year on October 15, you'll have a new memeber of your family to remember and honor his/her brother(s)/sister(s).