Thursday, October 15, 2009

National Day of Remembrance...

Another year already.
Last October was my first knowledge of this "holiday".
Or should I say, my first true understanding of it.

Again, when I woke up this morning
I was intensely sad...unable to start the mindless yo-yo again.
While Tim got ready, all I could do was lay in bed.
All I could do was cry.
And the real point is, my brain didn't register that today was the National Day of Remembrance,
because to my heart?
Every day still is.

And all day long, I kept thinking...
And how much sweeter it would be if Will were here.
How much different it would be if he were here...

But he's not.
And then when I realized what today was...
I cut myself some slack.
And let myself fully miss him,
because so often it causes so much pain,
that I block out what I loved most...
his beautiful face,
his sweet new baby smell...
the way it felt to hold him after fighting so hard to keep him here.

Then later today,
another fail: definitely not pregnant.

But what else do we do?
I can't lay in bed forever.
We must get up, go to work, find a sense of purpose regardless.
And still there are days like today,
when I look at his picture and truly still can't believe all the hell we went through.
It makes me sick.

And it takes all I have to simply...
get up,
pray for peace...
get dressed to face the day,
and remember to breathe.
A new baby could never and won't ever replace him,
but its a much needed blessing that our family needs.
It just seems so long overdue.

1 comment:

carriekuipers said...

The pictures of Will are still so beautiful. I am taking time right now to pray specifically for you - and pleading with God to have a blessing for you soon.