Monday, December 27, 2010

5 Months




Jack,

This past month has been full of the most changes so far. How do you change so much and so fast?! I know I keep saying this, but seriously! We had your doctor's appointment last week and you measured 26 inches and 18 pounds~the 90% percentile. You are officially growing out of your 3-6 months clothes and are in size 6-12 now.

So just how much have you changed this past month? You LOVE to "talk" and jabber all the time, it is a sound that daddy and I absolutely love to hear. It is so stinking cute. You also have started to laugh and giggle when we tickle and kiss you~so much fun!

Sophie is one of your most favorite things to watch. We will sit on the bed in the morning and you will talk to her:) You still like to sit up with help and we are waiting for the day for you to roll over intentionally and to sit on your own. But the Dr. says not to worry, you haven't yet because your belly is too fat and gets in the way!

Your hair is finally growing in and is a fuzzy light brown, almost blond. And to everyone's surprise (except for mommy's) your eyes are still blue. I am hoping they stay blue like mine:) Besides watching Soph and chewing on your favorite toy, a rubber teething Giraffe also named Sophie, you love to stand on our laps with us holding you up. But your legs are so strong! You can hold your own weight and I'm afraid your legs are going to be bowed because you pull yourself up on our laps so much!

This past week was your first Christmas and I know in a few weeks you will be sitting on your own. We are past the real baby stage and you have become so much fun as we watch you laugh and learn about everything around you! Now if only I could keep you from scratching up your face all the time! Here is a picture of you in your new hat that Opa sent...complete with the latest scratches to your face.
But my most favorite new thing you do? Watching you try to stick your toes in your mouth, which surprisingly you have accomplished...despite that chunky belly of yours!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Jack's 1st Halloween

Loving to stand all the time!
Daddy time.
Passed out after a long night of helping hand out candy at Dorothy's house!
Cutest caterpillar ever!

Halloween weekend was a blast with Jack.
We hung out with friends Saturday and Sunday night to hand out candy.
And he also had his 3 month pictures taken in Holland...
someone is just like their dad~pitching a fit when a camera is aimed at them.
As soon as the torture session was over, it was all smiles for Grandma in the car on the way home.

He was such a sport about being dressed in an overstuffed costume and being paraded around all weekend...many asked about his costume and I actually got it years ago while we lived in California. I couldn't pass it up and remember thinking that it would be perfect for a Halloween in Michigan where it feels more like winter. And I was right, it was freezing!

But Jack was snug as a bug...literally.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day





This past weekend we marked our 3rd Walk to Remember in Honor of Will.
I can hardly believe this is the 3rd one...
and the transformation that has taken place.

When I look back at that first year picture and its so sunny and beautiful,
it feels like yesterday.
I feel the same way about our last night with Will.
It was so beautiful and yet even though its been over 2 years, it still feels like yesterday...
But this year, we had Jack.
And while many may think that it was easier or possibly more bearable,
I have to say that having a new baby does not fill the hole left by the one that passed.
They are two different people,
and if anything I was left to wonder just how Will would react to his new brother.
But instead, we made another balloon just for Jack to send up to Will.
That first year I dreamed that one day I would be able to bring a new baby to the walk...
and that it would be better.
It would be easier.
Well, it wasn't either.
It still is what it is and that is all.
Our lives are woven of people and memories,
and all these things come together in a sort of fabric that make us who we are.
Even though Will was only here a short time,
his memory continues to be woven throughout who I am...and what kind of mother I want to be for Jack.
And as more things are woven together, Will is not left behind as a memory...
I still carry his heart in mine,
no matter where I go...

Monday, September 27, 2010

Two Months!!




Wow, Jack Jack...you are getting so big!
These last two months with you have gone so fast,
I'm sure we will always feel this way about watching you grow.
What have you been up to the last month?
Well, a lot has changed!

You no longer have a big bald spot on the top of your head, you have finally sprouted some very fine brown hair~its too cute.
And when we look at you, I swear you grow before our eyes.
Last month your head was kind of slender,
but now your face and cheeks have filled out
and your little head is perfectly round like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Speaking of filling out, you now have rolls everywhere!
Your ankles, wrists and arms are all so chubby.
Packing on all that weight must tire you out,
but we don't mind since you have started sleeping between 4-6 hours through the night.
YAY!!
Mom has gained some sanity back:)

You are wearing 3-6 month clothes, but not for long...
some of your outfits are now 6-12 months.
You have started to sit up in your bumbo chair and swing,
mommy loves these things too because it gives her arms a nice break.

Tummy time is either fun or torture, depending on the day
but when you have had "enough" of anything or are about to flip out,
you like to warn us by kicking your legs really fast back and forth, especially the right one.

The other day we had your 2 month checkup,
the doctor walked in, took one look at you and stopped in his tracks.
"Wow," he said, "That is what a 4 months looks like, not a two month old!"
And sure enough, you weighed in at 14.5 pounds which is in the 95% percentile...
your carseat is getting heavy!
We wish we could freeze time and enjoy these days more.
Daddy comes home and you read a book together.
I know it won't be too long before you are able to really follow along.
I'm enjoying each day as it comes with you because these days are just going so quickly...

Soon enough you'll be sitting up and then moving...
I am not ready for that yet!

Friday, September 24, 2010

The end of summer...

At Grand Haven with Dad
Great Grandpa isn't used to crying babies!

So big in the bumbo chair & smiling as Sophie nudges his toes...
In just a few days, Jack will be two months old.
Everyone says that time goes so quickly with a baby,
and truly it does.
There are the days that drag by as we get used to our new routine,
and Jack cries enough where I sometimes join him.
But mostly we have settled into our new sense of normal,
and I can hardly believe that summer has come to an end.

Since my last blog, Jack has started to smile and laugh...
we take trips in the car and he stays asleep in his car seat. For this I am so grateful~he travels well.
We even made a trip to the east side of the state to shop at Sommerset & see Aunt Heidi and also to Muskegon to meet Great Grandpa.
And summer would not be complete without a trip to Grand Haven. Although, Jack wasn't too impressed with the beautiful view I'm sure next summer we'll have to drag him home!

I waited forever for this summer to arrive. Now we get to watch the leaves fall and visit apple orchards and watch football, all with our newest addition.
Sigh.
I am not ready for it to get cold,
this is where I really begin to miss California and the constant sun with temps in the 70's...not to mention that out there I wouldn't have to guess at what size winter clothes to buy for our little chunky monkey:)
Who happens to have his two month doctor visit in just a week,
we might have to have a contest to see what he weighs in at!

Friday, August 27, 2010

One Month Old!



Jack Jack...

You are one month old today. Time has gone so quickly since you arrived. Our time is measured in holding you, feedings and diaper changes.

So what are you up to these days?

You are growing so fast and changing every single day. Just when we think we have something figured out about you...you go and change!

You LOVE to eat and when that isn't an option you almost always require a paci...and if it happens to fall out of your mouth you make a serious of strange grunts or a high pitched scream, which I hate to say it, but you really do sound like a girl.

And then there is swaddling~it is a must. Once you are swaddled nice and tight you will drift off to sleep, but only if someone is holding you. And no matter how tightly we bundle you up, you always manage to get your left arm out.

You HATE to have your diaper changed. We have learned to go as quickly as possible since you scream as if we putting you through a torture session.

Just in the last week or so you have begun to really look at us. It is so much fun to watch your different facial expressions. And we've even been lucky to get a few smiles from you...an event that brought tears to my eyes. You are such a cutie.

Each day is an adventure with you and as tired as we have been this last month we are enjoying each moment with you...because we have waited so long for this.
Now just take some longer naps so mommy can blog about you more!!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Picture Dump...

Here are all the pictures I promised to post...
and thanks to blogger, they are in no particular order
so I will gladly explain just what you are looking at:

Jack swaddled and hanging out in his swing (the best baby invention ever...)


Sporting mommy's favorite outfit and moving like crazy...this is going to be one busy little boy.

Leaving the hospital. YAY!!

Waiting for our nurse to let us leave on Friday. We couldn't wait to get home!

Such a cute face! Hanging out in his "going home" outfit...


This first week with Jack has FLOWN by. We are delirious and tired and giddy and always taking pictures that somehow never seem to turn out. Probably because we are so tired we don't realize that drinking Red Bull and Diet Coke is making us shake (don't worry~ I'm not the one drinking Red Bull) and then our pictures look all fuzzy.
We'll get it together soon.
Actually, even better, we had our favorite photographer over yesterday to take some newborn photos and CAN'T WAIT to see them.
They are going to be awesome...
and we will share them as soon as we get them.
In the meantime, these few pictures will have to do:)
Thanks again to everyone for your well wishes and prayers and overwhelming support~we are truly blessed and so incredibly happy to be home...
and to finally be a family.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Home


We are home at last...
Its hard to believe our little man is 3 days old already.
He is such a good baby,
and hardly ever cries...
as long as you don't take off his clothes,
or change his diaper:)

He is healthy.
He is perfect...
and we are loving him to pieces.

This week has been a whirlwind and there is much to tell,
many things to share...
and I don't want to forget any of it.
But right now our life is dictated by feedings and diaper changes and when I am allowed to take my next pain pill:)
And although my feet are swollen so much that I think they might pop if I actually walk on them...
I have never been happier.
We feel so blessed...

More to come soon as things settle down and I can think clearly after some much needed rest.
And I also promise more pictures to come soon....
Lots more:)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Jack Liam is here!!!



Suddenly our world is in color again- Introducing Jack Liam- 8lbs 6oz 20.5" long- both Julie & Jack are safe and sound- More to come soon---

Monday, July 26, 2010

Almost there...


In less than 24 hours, Jack will be here.
All the months of waiting,
the weeks of shots and doctor's visits...
well, I get to see just how much it was all worth the wait.

My phone and email has been busy all day with exclamations from friends and family of
"Aren't you SO EXCITED?!"
I have to confess that I am not.
I am scared...and anxious...
in many ways I am just scared to get excited.
The hospital and operating room and recovery room...
they hold very bad memories for me.
Nothing pleasant,
nothing comforting.
Tomorrow, when I walk through the doors of the ER to go to the birthing center,
I will be facing those ghosts head on.
Memories are triggered by strange things:
smells, sights and feelings.
That hospital holds them all.

I will not be excited until I see him with my own eyes and hear his cry pierce the air.
Until then, I am going to be a wreck...
especially waiting in that cold room they put you in before heading for surgery.
It is quiet, cold and I know that I will be shaking.
Praying and shaking.
The shaking will continue until they numb me
and I physically am unable to do it anymore...
Tim feels the same way.

I guess we have been trained that way.
Days before Tim would return from Iraq,
people would ask the same thing:
"Aren't you so excited for him to come home?!"
No, not until he was in my arms.
Too many things can happen.
I saw the things that could happen...days, even hours, before a Marine was supposed to come home...
Not many people see those bad things.
Unfortunately, we lost that luxury years ago.
We saw things that I am glad most people don't have to think about
don't have to see.
Ignorance is bliss.

I am not ignorant about tomorrow,
and its not that I think anything bad will happen.
I just want to see this baby come into the world healthy and screaming...
and I want everything to go as it should.
I want that happy ending that so many people have been able to have...
the one that we were hoping for with Will.
I have faith that things will go well,
that I will be wheeled into recovery with a baby tomorrow.
It will be such a blessing to be surrounded by family and friends
as welcome happiness into our lives again.

And in a few days, we'll walk through the door of our house
as a family.
Finally, a family...
so bittersweet.
And for all those that have asked, I finally managed to get pics of the finished nursery up. As you can see the elephant gray is no more:)

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers...
we're almost there...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

the waiting game

Everything is done,
or at least...
I think it is.

We don't have any future plans,
other than having to drive to the hospital soon.

And I am as ready as I will ever be.
I'm anxious and excited and scared and in disbelief that the time has come...
and now that I have reached 38 weeks
I am also very impatient.
All these precautions were taken so Jack wouldn't come early...
now he just wants to hang out in there.

I had my last appointment yesterday,
and left knowing this kid is going to be big.
I just can't wait to finally see and hold him.
It seems like we've been waiting forever,
and in some ways we really have.

So, now all I can do is sit here and wait.
And hope that maybe he wants to come out before Tuesday,
just to stir things up a bit...

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Two years...

This week has been a roller coaster.
With what would have been Will's 2nd birthday quickly approaching on Saturday,
it is once again that time of year where we have been reflecting.
The question has been tossed around, "What do you want to do for Will's birthday?"

There is no answer.

There is no grave site to visit. Our baby is still here with us. His ashes are in a small heart shaped urn that most would mistakenly take for a paperweight.
It just wasn't in us to bury him...
And then if we had and we were ever to move...
I know we couldn't have left him here.
So he remains in our bedroom,
silently still a part of our every day lives.
The way it should be.

But on days like his birthday or anytime I want to do something special,
I am left wondering just what to do.
It never gets any easier, 
and this year is complicated.

We are so ready for our 2nd son.
And yesterday when I started having some random, slightly painful contractions
I kind of got anxious.
What if this baby is born on one of the two days I really don't him to be?
July 17th & 19th.
The day Will was born and then the day he died.
Those days are the only 2 in an entire year, that I really have a problem with.

I want this child to have his own day.
I want to be able to grieve Will on those days...
and not have to explain to my new son why mommy is both happy and sad if his birthday happens to fall then also.
But again, its not up to me.
A lot of people say, "Oh that would be special!"
I really don't believe so.
And instead of lying to make it seem better, I have to wonder if it was their family if they would feel the same...
Maybe if they were born on the same day, perhaps.
But I do not want this child to have to share a day with his brother's death.
Like I said, its complicated.

My body naturally knows that something is amiss right now.
It has been months since I woke up crying...
and I have moved past counting the weeks since I last held Will
to now counting the weeks until I will hold our 2nd baby.
Time changes some things,
but not all.
My motherly instinct leaves me crying more the last few days,
missing Will in ways that are hard to put into words.

Sure I'm happier than I have ever been in a long time.
But there is still that sadness.
And honestly, I believe there always will be to some extent.

In naming this baby, we had such a difficult time.
But we have finally decided.
And like everything else, there is a story behind it.
Its something I never really shared,
but to understand, it must be told.

Names are hard for me,
this is partly because I am a teacher.
And teachers have a hard time finding names because they associate nearly every name ever thought of with a student they either had, knew, or heard about in the teacher's lounge...
that is just the way it is:)
It comes with the territory.
Combine this with the fact that boy names are thus even harder for us,
when we became pregnant with Will we had one solid boy name we loved.

And so we casually tossed around other names,
but always seemed to come back to the "one".
Until all hell broke loose two years ago in March.
Suddenly we were faced with a new decision that left us feeling sick and guilty and all sorts of other unpleasant feelings...
this baby wasn't going to live.
Do we still use our favorite name? 
And the thing was, we felt guilty for even thinking this in our heads,
let alone questioning it aloud.
But we did question it,
because suddenly the name didn't seem right anymore.

Our first son needed a strong name.
A strong name because we wanted him to fight,
to prove everyone wrong...
and to live.
So we name him William James.
His first name after two people:
my grandfather who had fought in WWII and was a prisoner of war in Siberia for many years... and also a Capt. in the Marines that Tim had served with who was killed in Iraq...
His second name is also after two people:
This would be the only son of ours to share Tim's middle name, and yet again for another Capt. killed in Iraq.
And it just fit.
And he proved to be a fighter,
just like the men he was named after...

How do you choose another "perfect" name?
That has been our dilemma.
When I found out we were having another boy,
my first response that we were NOT going to name him what we had planned originally for Will.
It didn't seem fair.
In fact, I didn't overcome my guilt until one night the topic of choosing names for children came up at support group.
It turns out that a lot of parents felt the same...
and not only that,
they did the same thing too.
They didn't use a favorite or first choice name,
not because they didn't want their dying child to have it,
but because it just didn't fit under the new circumstances.

Now, I feel differently.
I absolutely love Will's name still to this day.
And we are going to honor Will, yet make sure our new son has his own identity.
His name is Jack Liam.
After all, he is still a part of this story that continues to be...
and even though Will died two years before his birth,
they are connected in so many ways.
And besides, we think its a perfect name for a little brother...

Monday, July 12, 2010

July is flying!

I honestly don't know where the time has gone.
4th of July weekend was supposed to be full of "down time",
with plenty of opportunities to catch up on blogging.
Obviously, that did not happen.
But we did have time to do some other things...
like finish the baby room (pictures to come), catch the new Twilight movie,
make cupcakes, and most importantly take lots of naps:)

As far as how things have really been going,
I have felt pretty good.
Except for this weather we have been having...
This has got to be the most muggy, humid and unbearably HOT summer in Michigan that I can ever remember...
and its really sucked.
Our air conditioning has been cranked since early June with only a few days off the week before July 4th when we had gorgeous "California" weather.
It makes me want to move back.
Along with the extended heat and humidity,
I suddenly began to swell up.
Kind of bad...
Then last week the headaches started.
Nothing major, just a dull ache in the front of my head which is unusual for me.
So I was concerned it could be something...
and after talking with my friends (who also are great nurses in the labor & delivery field)
it turns out that nothing is really going on.
Some were concerned it could be a condition called preeclampsia,
but after some good old drugs and more rest the endless headache began to diminish.
The last few days have been normal again as far as no headaches and no swelling,
but then again, its no longer 95 with unbearable humidity.
I can handle dry heat, its the humidity that is really starting to get to me.
Our AC is still going strong, thanks to the stuffy sticky air,
but I guess that is just the price we will have to pay for the time being.
I just miss nice, cool fresh air blowing through my house...

Its hard to believe that I only have two more doctor's visits,
then 2 weeks from tomorrow is my scheduled c-section.
I am getting nervous and anxious.
Secretly, I would love to start having contractions and just go to the hospital without any planning or anxiety being involved.
This week marks a full term pregnancy.
Can you even believe it??
I almost can't...
the end is nearly in sight,
then we begin yet another new and exciting chapter...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Shower pics





Where did June go?!
I remember the week before Thanksgiving when I found out that I was pregnant,
and in trying to figure out my due date before seeing the doctor...when I saw the month of July pop into the calculator online I thought that seemed like FOREVER away.
"If I can just make it to June..." I remember thinking.

Well, surprise, I have actually made it further this time-Hooray!
And its a sure sign to my body just how much further I have come with baby #2.
Because I AM HUGE.
But I also don't really care:)
That is...until I see myself in a picture.
And then its utterly disturbing, to realize just what I look like to everyone else.
But regardless, I'll be a good sport and share some pictures from the baby shower that my friends and step-sis put on for me in early June...even though I can't believe what I am seeing sometimes.

There are a few more pictures coming...
but blogger is messing them up again,
and I only have so much patience nowadays:)

But the baby showers are now done,
and July will be about getting his room ready, making last minute purchases on necessary baby items and relaxing until little man makes his debut.
My c-section is scheduled for the 27th,
part of me wishes that he might come a bit earlier, on his own time.
Its so strange to think of waking up on the 27th and having a baby by appointment,
kind of like going to the dentist.
Strange.
But after everything that has come before this,
I'll take it:)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

What's in a name?

I'm thinking a lot about Will today,
he would have been 23 months old.
Only a month away from it being two years,
and also only a month away from having a new baby...
my mind has been heavy with lots of thoughts.

There are some days in which I still struggle,
with concerns that only a mother who has lost a baby can understand.
Is this baby going to look like Will?
Will the birth be happy, or will we miss him even more?
Either way, I am ready for change...
ready to have this new little guy in my arms.

And so we have been playing the name game for many weeks now.
Will's name evolved pretty quickly,
so its unlike Tim & I to be so indecisive.
But this one is hard.
So, only a few weeks away and still no definite name~
we have narrowed down a few, but I am guessing we will firmly decide once we see his little face...
after all, the name has to fit!

But in the meantime, time has been flying.
There have been some baby showers, and a flurry of last minute "to do's" before July hits...
Its still surreal that we have made it this far,
its exciting and scary at the same time.
We were sitting together the other night,
and it suddenly hit me...
"Holy crap, this is actually happening this time."
We've been waiting years.
And there were many times after Will's death when I actually thought this day would never come...
but things change.
And this change has been a really long time in coming.

Thankfulness and a mix of other emotions are setting in.
This is so much more complicated than simply a "new baby,"
there are so many other aspects rolled into this moment in our lives.
At this point, I have resorted back to my 
"one day at a time" mentality.
And so I am enjoying the pregnancy brain, the sore legs, and all the other things most people complain about...I am enjoying each day as it comes, knowing it is my own personal miracle...
and also knowing that soon this time will be over and we will look back and wonder where the days went.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

32 weeks

Taking a break while putting together the crib.

After the paint job...and the infamous "elephant gray"

Before the transformation...but blogger wouldn't let me place this picture first (of course!)

So much has been going on around here,
its been hard to keep up.
I have not written a blog,
or even had time to really read any other blogs for that matter...
We have been busy getting ready for this baby.
And this has been such a great thing...
This last week marked 32 weeks.

Yes, 32 weeks.
I have to repeat it because sometimes I still don't believe I made it this far.
This is the gestational time that I gave birth to Will,
so its also hard to believe that when I see my stomach roll and change form
it means there is yet another little person in there who is even a little bigger than Will was when he was born.

I feel like I am carrying a miracle.
Just in the last month I feel like I can relax a little bit.
Enjoyment in the process is taking form.
My mom and the neighbors hosted a baby shower for me last week.
Again, a wonderful but surreal experience.
The next day, we put together baby furniture.
This furniture had been purchased years ago, while we lived in CA.
Its been moved and shaken so much, the boxes were being held together with tape.
Yet, somehow despite all the moves and rough handling the furniture remained perfect and it looks beautiful.

How can something so damaged on the outside still turn out nearly perfect??
I have no idea...
Then there is the nursery paint...
My dad volunteered to paint the walls a gorgeous color we found from Pottery Barn Kids called Elephant Gray.
Who knew elephants could also be purple or maybe even a shade of lavender??
The paint job looks fantastic, and if we were having a girl I would be smitten with this elephant gray...however, its not exactly the look we are going for with boy #2 on the way.
It actually didn't look purple until the sun hit the room the next day and we put the finished furniture next to the wall with all of the cute blue bedding we had.
Go figure.

And so putting together the nursery will have to wait a few more weeks until we can get the proper color on the walls.
But all these things; showers, putting furniture together and painting...
mark the beginning of something I thought might never happen.
As we make all the preparations I am constantly giving thanks.
It has been an extremely long road,
but having faith and being patient has paid off.
Although, I must admit that I was not so patient putting together the changing table...
especially when all the pieces fell on the garage floor.
Tim has become a pro at navigating my various pregnancy hormone fits that seem to come more frequently in the past few weeks:)

But with all these changes taking place
there is a huge transformation taking over this house...
both in the physical structure and in us.
And all I can say is that it is about time:)
But just like the room, its a work in progress...
but at least now, I'm beginning to see just what kind of progress we are making
and I am so, so thankful.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Last big appointment!



Its shocking to write 2 posts in one day...
but I had to share.
Today we had our last appointment with the high risk doctors.
They have officially cut me loose back to my "normal" doctor
and I have no further appointments with them.
YAY!

Everything looks good,
and he is measuring about 3 lbs 8 oz.
Its amazing how far technology has come in the past couple of years
and how we have been able to see so much just from one little ultrasound.

We didn't get the best pictures today, 
but they were a huge improvement from last time.
He is currently breech.
The last appointment he was head down with an arm and a foot in front of his face (see black & white pic), so...
this time I am content that we at least got an idea of what his face looks like.
But he was all over the place,
and that arm...still over his face.
So while I love looking at the 3D pictures, I know he probably won't look a whole lot like that in another 8-10 weeks.

But we are thrilled with the good news.
My c-section is scheduled for July 27th...
but if that actually goes according to plan,
I will be utterly shocked.
So here is to another two months of a completely boring and uneventful pregnancy! :)

30 weeks and counting...

Where in the world has the time gone?
That is the question of the month for me.
As I stare at half a dozen blog posts that I started, 
then never actually posted...
I am again reminded how important it is for me to still write.
Because I don't want to forget this.

I don't want to forget what a great (but VERY busy!) month  May has been,
and that I survived my 2nd Mother's Day without Will with much more grace and dignity than the year before...that this May has not been a low point in my life like the last...and that I had a birthday this week but DID NOT have a nervous breakdown...

We're making huge progress, people.

I am finally able to breathe a little deeper now that we have reached the 30 week mark.
Can you believe it?
I almost can not.
It seems surreal at times,
because honestly there were so many dark days in the last two years in which I actually let the negative thoughts creep in...that something like this just wasn't in God's plan for me.
And as my sister began asking about baby showers and dates back in March and April,
I completely and utterly blew her off.
Because I kept waiting for something to happen.
A baby shower for me??
I'd be lying if I said the word "NEVER" didn't cross my mind.

Today is May 27th...
two years ago on May 26th, the day after my 29th birthday I walked into the hospital for a very long 7 week stay.

I can't believe its been two years.
At the time, I was 25 weeks along with Will.
This time, I am 30 weeks and things are completely different.
I can't imagine this baby being born at the same gestational age as Will...
only 2 weeks from now??
No. This time I am in it for the long stretch.
And in realizing that things are different this time,
I allowed my family to plan that baby shower.
Again, Surreal.
But allowing myself to feel excited again is a somewhat strange feeling.

Only to me, its not about what normal showers usually are...
for me, this is a full on celebration.
I think a lot of other people feel the same:)
Now if only I could merge my two home states,
Michigan & California for one day...
that would be so nice.
Because this celebration doesn't seem complete without so many that have been the distance with us...and have not the let the physical distance matter in any way.

Awhile back, in support group, we heard many couples referring to their child born after their loss...
their rainbow baby.
I thought it was a cute "label" but didn't use it much,
since others that had never heard of it made ignorant and not so funny comments...
But this baby...
is definitely our rainbow child.
Its taken lots of stormy and dark days,
along with countless tears and rain...
but it makes this particular rainbow
just that much more beautiful.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

photo session




Over a month ago
we had a photo session and I finally have a few of the pictures to share...
I'm happy with the way they turned out,
and the entire time we were there
I just kept thinking to myself how blessed I was that this was finally happening.

And suddenly, its over a month and half later...
and soon we will be thinking about different pictures.
Family pictures with our newborn son.

There is not one day that passes in which I take this for granted...
and I must admit that I go to sleep every night thanking God for the newest revelation in my life...
the return of peace and near happiness.
It has eluded me for years...
and I am grateful to have it back.

Having these pictures is something we never got to do with Will,
so I am making sure I do things different this time.
And when I looked at these photos,
I saw something I haven't seen in either of us in a really long time.
A small piece of who we used to be...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Finally...a baby update


I had all these great plans to blog this month
(because plenty happened)
and then all the sudden I woke up and April is nearly over.
So in an attempt to catch up,
I'm doing a baby update first and then maybe later I'll actually get around to finishing all those half written posts I have piling up in my blog account.

Today I had another appointment with one of the high risk doctors I have been seeing.
I have been going every 2 weeks for certain measurements,
but today they measured our little man...
who really isn't all that little.
I was assured he is in the top percentile for growth and was told he is completely "normal" and we have genetics to thank for his size and weight which is officially over 2 lbs.
This shocked me because at 32 weeks, Will measured in at a bruising 3 1/2 lbs....so it'll be interesting to see where this guy ends up.

And even though I am 26 weeks tomorrow, our baby is measuring more at the 27 week mark which makes me want to jump for joy.
He has been moving a ton lately, much to my delight...
and often times we will be laying and watching a movie and I can't help but bust out laughing.
Because it feels so weird,
and I am just enjoying every minute of it.

Of course, during the ultrasound today he was moving around,
But not in a cooperative sort of way.
The only good picture is the one posted above,
because this baby loves to rub his face and keep his arms strategically placed in front of his head.
I think he wants to surprise us.

But the most important thing is that this pregnancy is going good.
Fluid is normal,
growth is good and unlike at this time with Will
I am not in the hospital on bed rest.
What a huge blessing.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

New background...

Yes, I know...
this blog looks all jacked up.
I'm working on it, but it (like everything else I set my mind to lately)
ended up being a much bigger job than I had earlier anticipated.
I'm working on fixing it to be pretty (spring cleaning for my blog perhaps?),
and will post more soon.

But for now I am tired,
and I can't figure out how to make my banner look good...
amongst other things.
And now I hear Sophie throwing up in the other room.
I think I'll let Tim get that one...
Should have known,
I swear she knows that today it is the first time the hard wood floor has been mopped in over 6 months.
How awesome of her to let it be clean for a whole 6 hours.

I'm signing off for today and promise that things are going well (aside from my dog putting me over the edge).
And there will be an Easter in Chicago post coming soon.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

photo session...

This week the weather has been absolutely beautiful...
so beautiful that I didn't waste away my days dreaming of California.
I can actually handle everything...
and then I remember why I was so productive in SoCal,
because sun+warm = motivation & happiness.
I'll take it.

On Tuesday, 
I picked up Tim from work and we got to do something we have been dreaming of for some time.
I regret not getting any professional pictures done in CA.
The scenery is awesome...
not to mention that we looked a whole lot younger and fresh (given that life hadn't beaten us up too badly...yet!)
But God works in mysterious ways.
The night Will died, the hospital called a volunteer photographer who came and gave us the most priceless gift.
And we knew from that night, we wanted Steve to photograph us again when the time was right...
so finally, after months (okay, almost years)
of waiting, I was finally able to call him up to schedule a maternity session.

We had a blast.
And the miracle was that our West Michigan weather totally cooperated.
And I had all these things I wanted to write about,
but I think the pictures speak for themselves...
once again.
It was as Tim had said, "We went full circle..."
Steve was there the night Will died,
he captured our most dark and vulnerable moment.
It felt incredible to have him photograph us now,
only this time with hope again in our eyes.

Please, visit his blog and read about our session.
Visit this link.
There are also some pictures posted,
I am eager to hear any comments!
As long as they are good:)
Because I was my own harshest critic,
asking if he could photo shop away my muffin tops.
Ha.
His only reply was to shout, "You're pregnant!"
Um, so I guess that is a no...

It doesn't matter.
These capture the moment.
What a huge blessing.
Steve was brought into our lives at the hardest moment,
now we look forward to him being there to document all the wonderful and exciting ones to come...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The lack of exercise...

This morning as I was putting on my makeup,
I suddenly realized that I was heading to the doctor
and it didn't even cross my mind not to wear mascara.
It was one of those things that changed as soon as we got Will's diagnosis...
I just stopped wearing eye makeup because every time I went to the doctor,
I cried.
And never mind wearing anything like that for months after he died...

But somewhere between all that and then right now,
I have learned to live again.
And I gladly put on mascara this morning,
a sign that things were...and are changing...

The doctor visit went fine.
Nothing new to report.
Sadly, my favorite ultrasound tech was not there,
so I didn't get hooked up with any sweet 3D images again.
But I am going back in 2 weeks and am not leaving without some sort of picture:)
Today, I was just so thankful to have a normal visit.
However, I did leave with something pretty great...

My own personal version of a lottery ticket.
It is worth some money, but only to me.
I am now the proud owner of a doctor's note...
that freezes my gym membership.
Yes.
I am officially relieved of any exercise or as the marines call it: PT,
or guilt associated with not going.
And I couldn't be more thrilled.
I literally danced downt the hall at the office, waving the note in my hand to my nurse friends...
For those of you that know me, this is funny. (and probably a little sad)
Being married to a Marine, means that we are a physically fit family.
And there is no such thing as not feeling well, or skipping out on working out...

I still remember being pregnant with Will,
living in CA before anything was amiss and being guilted into going to base to work out.
I went for Tim.
Really I went just so he would stop bugging me...
But being in the first trimester, as we drove I began to feel sick.
As we pulled up to the gym, I begged him to stop by the PX so I could get a snack.
I ran inside,
and grabbed a very nutritious snack.
The only thing that sounded good to my gurgling stomach:
A Cherry Coke and huge stick of Laughy-Taffy.
Yum.
I was then convinced that I was too sick to actually go inside with Tim.
He scoffed as I pointed out that I still "went TO the gym with him..."
And as my husband ran and worked his little heart out,
I sat in the car with the moon roof open,
relaxing in the warm California sun...drinking pop and eating candy.
And as a platoon of Marines ran by the parking lot,
I felt slightly guilty.
Especially when the Marines in back of the group (that looked like they were going to pass out) eye-balled me sitting in the car being a big fat lazy butt.
But here's the thing,
I really didn't care.
Just like now.
I am careful about what I eat because I don't want to become diabetic again,
and I want what is best for my body and the baby...
but when it comes to staying in shape?
Again, I really don't care.
Its not worth risking anything all over again.
Besides, I can always register for a jogging stroller and burn off those fat rolls...
after the baby is here safe and sound.
So not being able to work out?
I could not be happier:)

Friday, March 26, 2010

Preggy picture


With this pregnancy,
I'm trying to remember to take pictures and document in ways that I wish I had with Will's pregnancy.
So a few weeks back when I had some friends over,
I asked her to take a few pictures with her awesome camera.
Well...I guess a $1000 camera can't even do me some favors
and so out of a handful of pictures,
I will share one.
And that is only because so many long distance friends have asked...
so this awful picture is for them to see my "baby belly"

But, on Tuesday, Tim and I have a photo session scheduled.
This is special for a number of reasons. The first being its something we always talked about, but never actually have done. The only semi-decent pics we've had taken were our wedding photos, so its long overdue.
And also because we are going to see the photographer that volunteered his time and services to give us the incredible pictures of Will the night he died.
So I don't know what to expect...
but I do hope to get some great pictures that I can happily post here:)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

20 weeks

Imagine this...
when the doctor asked if Tim would mind giving me a
weekly shot of thick progesterone  in my hip,
I never thought about what might actually happen.
Seems simple enough, but with my life
I should have known it wouldn't be so simple.

So picture this,
my nurse friend is now my personal medical staff.
The reason being, after much discussion with lots of my "health professional" friends, we decided that despite all our marriage has endured,
having Tim try to give me those shots just might not be in our best interest.
That is, if we want to stay married:)
And I do...

So, now my friend is drawing up the meds and then jabbing the HUGE needle into my backside.
This isn't particularly funny...
unless you know me.
It gets better of course.
Last week it was done in my home after a Tastefully Simple party.
This week we met for dinner at Panera,
then for the sake of time
I crawled into the backseat of my car
and she shot me up with drugs.

Yes, in my car...in a parking lot.

I kept picturing all the worst case scenarios that could happen.
Such as a cop pulling up for dinner,
or a random car pulling into the empty parking spot next to my open car door where my friend stood trying to get the best angle...
or worse yet, some young college kid from one of the many Bible colleges just down the road catching a glimpse and mistaking me
for some drugged out meth-head tweeker.

Brilliant.
The last one is my favorite I think...
its so funny and far from the truth I can't help but laugh out loud.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

constant reminders

In two weeks we will have lived here for two years...
that blows my mind.
Sometimes it seems like forever,
other days it still seems like I just left California.

Will's death is the same way.
Sometimes it seems far away,
other days it is still so fresh.
And then there are the constant reminders...

Yes, we still cry even though things are going well with this baby.
Yes, we still have people that don't acknowledge Will's life...
or that literally say we should be moved on and over it by now...
and now we have been faced with a whole new range of questions that aren't meant to be painful...but they simply are.
Questions like these wage a war within my soul between my heart that wants me to claim Will and my brain that tells me its not worth mentioning that I have a son who is in heaven...
"Is this your first baby?"
"Do you have any other children?"
"How do you know you'll need a c-section?"

Even the simple task of filing our taxes this year, brought a day of tears and anxiety.
It happened when I opened the package from our accountant and saw that he had claimed Will as a dependent...even though last year in a letter we had explained what had happened.

I guess he forgot.
Or he didn't think it was important enough to make himself a note for next year...

Either way, Tim was left with the task of calling him to tell him that our son did die.
Again.
Its not that we mind, I mean talking about Will doesn't bother us in the least...its the thought of making other people feel bad that makes us feel awful.
Because so many people don't know how to react.
And we like to make people laugh, not get that sad look of pity in their eyes...
Which leads me to this story and another conversation in which the other person didn't know how to handle it,
and asked coldly,
"Well, what date did he die?"
"And you told him...of this situation last year already?"
As if this was all our fault...
And my husband cried,
while sitting in his fancy office,
at work...
because this whole thing still isn't easy.
And there are many people that still make it even harder than it should be.
And that just plain sucks.

In the wake of our son dying,
we were swarmed.
I was in a fog.
Yet, we were so alone.
I will never forget coming home to an empty house...
a dirty house that hadn't been lived in for nearly 2 months...
a lawn that needed to be mowed...
a pantry and fridge that were empty...
a closet filled with clothes I could not fit into yet...
and the one thing I remember is a friend,
driving from out of state to bring us bags of groceries.
Such a selfless and kind act that still brings tears to my eyes today.
She never called to ask what we needed,
she just took the initiative and did something.
And to this day I am still so grateful for that simple act of kindness.
Because at the time, the only thing I could think about
was how to simply keep breathing.

Imagine being in so much pain emotionally, that you literally hold your breath without even realizing it...I did it constantly.

Because we hadn't lived here long,
we really didn't have a large support network.
And that was hard.
Three days after being released from the hospital,
Tim pushed me around in a wheelchair at Costco while we purchased
things for Will's memorial at our home.
But I still wonder to this day, why we did that...
why we were alone...

Another friend, came over numerous times that week to help me once Tim went back to work.
In one sitting, we put together Will's entire photo scrapbook.
For hours, we sat there and talked while cutting, gluing and piecing the few mementos I had of his short life into a book.
Another friend's kindness that I am so grateful for.

I've had many people ask me what to do in the wake of losing a child.
They know friends or others going through it,
and they want my advice.
I am happy to help, but since each situation is different,
it is also difficult to say sometimes.
Another blog that I follow addressed this same issue,
and I wanted to share it.
She explains everything so well, I really couldn't put it into better words.

I write about this, because I hope that in some way
by breaking open my pain and spilling it out,
it can somehow help someone else.
That by writing about tough topics, knowledge will form...
people will be educated,
and other parents going through this hell will be better taken care of.

Truthfully, the only reason we survived
was because of the support we received.
I should really say the support that we continually keep receiving...
We are thankful to those sane friends who kept us from going insane.
For those family & friends that have been there for us, long after the death and funeral.
Because they know it doesn't stop there.
Like the friends that came to my house the other night for a Tastefully Simple party...
and ending up staying until everyone else left...
to give me my first shot of progesterone in my butt because I was terrified to have Tim do it.
Those are true friends.
And one took pictures, while the other jammed the needle into my backside...
apologizing the entire time (like it was her fault or something).
I may be brave enough to write about certain things...
but let's face it.
I'm not yet to the point of being comfortable in putting a picture (which has my butt crack showing) on the Internet for the world to see...

but its having friends like that,
and so many others that follow this blog
that offer support and leave comments and offer words of encouragement that help us.
And somewhere, somehow along the way....we have figured how to live again.

Monday, March 8, 2010

3D ultrasound

Arm by the face.

This shot had us all laughing...what looks like a Michigan mullet hairdo is actually part of the placenta. No crazy George Washington wig for my baby.

Look at all that beautiful amniotic fluid! :)

Today was a day we have been anticipating for a really long time...
and it felt sometimes that it might never come.
But today did arrive and everything with the doctor went smoothly.
And while we are still far away from that special day in July,
we got to see our baby,
and see that everything is good so far.
Thank you to everyone for their well wishes and prayers.

We also got confirmation that we are going to have another boy:)

The high risk doctors are taking every precaution,
because we are still in a risky time.
Being in that office today brought back a lot of memories,
a lot of them not so happy.
But seeing this baby, surrounded by fluid and looking healthy
was a blessing.
Beginning this week I will be getting a shot of hormones,
weekly in my "lower hip"...
courtesy of Tim.
He eagerly jumped at the duty...a little too quickly.
This will hopefully ward off any pre-term labor or other problems.

The funny thing is,
the doctor said most people fight off having to take such a shot.
After what we've been through...
I would gladly get poked once a week,
that actually sounds like the easy part to me...

Now if we could only decide on a name,
that is proving the most difficult.
But I am going to bed so grateful tonight...

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Good days

This week has been a milestone...
not sure if its because the sun has been out 4 days in a row,
or because the temperature actually reached 40...
it may be the fact that I am 18 weeks along today,
or that it is finally March...
but something feels different~
in a good way.

A few months after Will died,
another mom who lost her newborn told me that eventually the pain does dull a bit.
But she was also 5 years into the process,
and I wasn't even 5 months.
I would have to admit that while I do feel differently,
it isn't because I love Will any less or because this whole situation
has gotten "better"...
it really doesn't work that way.
Its because we have a new sense of normal.
We have a routine...
and now we also have a renewed sense of hope with this baby.
A huge and hopefully happy event to look forward to.

During Will's pregnancy, the night of my 18th week marked my
2nd trip to the ER...
my 1st overnight stay in the hospital...
and the 1st time a doctor told me the baby would die.

This time,
I am laying in my own bed.
Healthy and content,
saying prayers of thanks for yet another good day.
And that is all I ever really pray for anymore...
just a really long string...
of really good days.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sevens

If I can recall, most people love the number 7.
My step-sister's birthday is 7.7
My friend got married on 7.7
I was always fond of the number 11,
kind of like when a digital clock reads 11:11
yes, I still knock on wood and make a wish.
Cheesy, but true.
Not that I think any number is necessarily lucky or not...

Now though, 7's sometimes get to me.
Will was born on 7.17
and today I am 17 weeks pregnant...
the exact same time in Will's pregnancy when I went to the bathroom at my parents house and knew things would never be the same.
Sevens...
Definitely the brand of my favorite jeans,
but that was always about it.
Now, I swear, every morning when I look at the clock can you guess what time it is?
7:17
Strange.

But not as strange as my inability to post the numerous blogs I have written in February.
Any guesses on how many half-finished thoughts/posts there are?
Oh yes....you guessed it.
7.

Where just all this rambling leave me?
Not quite sure.
Do I post the remaining 6 half-finished blog posts?
Not sure about that either.
The only thing I am sure about,
is that writing still helps with all of this.
"All of this" meaning all the emotions I am experiencing on the roller coaster.
And I need to write more...
and consistently.

So expect to see some changes here,
maybe a little design makeover...
because this whole blogging thing is about to get more serious.
I had a revelation the other night.
Just why do I pour my innermost thoughts and feelings
out into the Internet world for anyone to read?
I certainly didn't start blogging for this reason.
But this is where the path led,
and so I am following it. 
I never sought it out,
it just happened...
And that leaves me with a choice:
Either go through all this and keep it bottled up...
a hidden secret like most people.
Or...
put it all out there.
Take a chance and go to where I am being led.
In a hope of healing myself,
but most importantly...
maybe giving someone else hope.

What can I say?
All these 7's are urging me to take a little chance.
A gamble, that maybe things could change.
And that is a chance I have to take.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Lent

If there has been any sort of trend in my life since Will's death...
it has been the fluctuation of time.
It either goes by in a blur and suddenly much time has passed,
or it drags by.
Lately, it has been like I go to bed and when I wake up...the week is over.

This is a very good thing right now.
I have reached a point where I am trying very hard
to not let being pregnant and the timing of the week I am in,
control my thoughts and actions.
But it isn't that easy.
16 weeks.
At this time with Will, we were moving from CA to MI. And I felt great.
At 17 weeks, things began to go horribly wrong...
and at 18 weeks my water broke and I found myself in the hospital being told my baby would die...which didn't happen until much later and we all know that story.

So...
Its been difficult not to worry.
Which brings me to my thought of the day.
What to give up for lent?
This crossed my mind at the grocery store today,
as I shopped for healthy (low carb-low fat-low processed-low fun) food.
Then I thought, "screw it..." and threw a bag of Easter blow pop suckers into my cart.
I could see how this was going to go.

Everyone seems to give up something food related:
pop, candy, junk food...
but I kind of gave most of that stuff up a really long time ago.
Then I considered giving up lots of different things,
that really weren't realistic: eating out, occasional swearing, the McDonald's drive-thru...
After thinking about each of these, my immediate response was, "Yeah, right."

So, then I came to my idea of letting go or giving up worrying.
It can be done,
and it will be a challenge.
But an even bigger challenge?
How does one even know if they are not worrying...
Sigh.
All I can say is that Easter better hurry up and get here.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Yay for February...

When I woke up yesterday morning and realized it was no longer January...
I was thrilled.
But today,
its snowing...gross.
This is the time of year, when I am not thrilled to see snow ~ but disgusted.
When we lived in SoCal, January didn't hold the same contempt
as it does now...because honestly, it felt the same as any other of the 11 months out there.
Sunny and perfect.
Groundhog's day...
the term Tim & I referred to explain how every single day felt and looked the same,
to someone who is from the frozen tundra like us.

But now?
I can't stand January.
So I am super glad its February...a short month too.
I am looking at the passing of months as a big deal right now.
In March we have our 3-D ultrasound with Dr. Risky.
And in April the baby is viable.
Which is something I was blissfully unaware of until Will.
In May...it will be warmer...
followed by June.
And my goal is July.
The official due date is Aug. 5th,
however, since I have to have a c-section...
the latest I will be pregnant is until 38 weeks.
I've already done the math,
Will's anniversary days fall real close.
So that is a possibility.
We'll worry about that later.

Until then, I am focusing on February.
Next week, Tim is flying to Jersey for work.
He is nervous to leave me, yet I am quick to remind him that 4 days hardly compares to 2 deployment tours that lasted between 6 and 7 months.
Perspective...hello.
And even when I was in the hospital with Will,
he was forced to go for nearly 2 weeks.
I could have gone into labor any time,
yet they made him go for work.
Looking back, I don't know how we made it through without completely flipping out.

So I guess I can handle a little snow right now...
it makes laying low even easier.
Who wants to go out in the nasty cold and slush?
Not me.
So until winter truly begins to thaw,
I will eat and take naps...and say a prayer of thanks for each uneventful day.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

emotions

This is the last week of my 1st trimester.
With each week that passes, I have a mix of emotions.
On one hand, I am relieved...
at the same time even more terrified.
One more week of invested time...
one more week for this baby to grow bigger.

This time of year, also reminds me of the timing of Will's pregnancy.
And even after those milestone weeks pass,
it won't bring comfort.
I know too many stories...
and that is a constant reminder that there is never a "safe" point in having a baby.

I have let myself begin to imagine just what it must feel like to actually bring a baby home.
To have a c-section and then hear crying...
instead of a doctor's voice telling me it doesn't look good.
What does that feel like?
All I know is pain.
It hampers my heart in feeling joy.

What does it feel like to be wheeled into recovery with your arms full...instead of empty?
I want to know that joy...
but my reservations prevent me from hoping for something that huge.
Its happened once already,
will God keep it from happening again?
I am not brave enough to face these questions alone...
so I pray constantly.

In losing Will, I also lost countless friends.
They were unable to share in my grief.
So I am even more grateful for the strong ones,
that haven't been afraid of me...
Haven't been afraid to see the tears and the hurt...
haven't been afraid to be a friend when I couldn't be one in return.
And its those friends that understand me even now...

They understand that while I am thankful for this baby,
I am also terrified.
And they get that,
they understand why and don't try to reason me out of it.

Someone told me everything would be "fine" the other day.
I kept my mouth shut,
while secretly in my head I pictured jumping over the table between us and slapping them.
My reason?
Obviously they needed a slap from reality...
and last time I checked,
none of us has a crystal ball.

I tend to stay away from well wishes like that (and the people that utter them).
Because they don't help.
Instead, I feel crazy for doubting...
when I need to feel comforted instead.
I know these emotions are justified,
because any person that could have been in that room with us...
on a hot Saturday night in July....as we lived an entire lifetime with our baby in just a few short hours, and then handed him to a nurse...
never to see him again on this earth...
would understand if they truly tried to.
If they dared to...

And its the people that put themselves there.
That allow themselves to feel our pain...
and live their lives better because they know what we have been through,
by cherishing each day with their kids,
and knowing how lucky they are to be pregnant...
and not taking any of it for granted...
the holding and cuddling,
watching their child grow...
the bedtime stories and baths...
everything that I miss doing each day...
Its those people, that give me the hope and strength to wish
and hope
and believe...
that in the end,
its all going to be worth it.
Because they have shared in our sorrow,
and now are eager to share in our joy.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Seeing things...


Today was my 4th doctor's visit.
On Friday I had my 3rd ultrasound.
I am thankful to say that everything looks good,
and the spotting that happened over a week ago was minimal and has gone away.
Let's hope for good...
we don't need any more of that crap.

At my ultrasound, they were very thorough.
Of course, since this always happens to me,
there was a doctor in training.
I can say that I am patient about things like that,
especially with being a teacher...
but when they are doing an internal ultrasound and moving that thing all over I was about ready to punch someone...
then I saw the baby on the screen.

What a mover!
In a mere 10 days it went from looking like a gummy bear,
to what you see now.
A miracle.
So I momentarily forgot about being tortured,
and focused on the screen.
With each kick, I fell in love.
With each kick I also thought I saw something...

Without taking my eyes off the screen,
I said to the doctor,
"So I know its totally too early to tell what sex the baby is...but, uh...well, I think I am seeing something every time it moves."
The doctor laughed and said,
"Oh, you noticed that? I saw it too."
There was a lump in my throat...
"Are you telling me you think its a freaking boy?!?"
He got serious again...
"Yes, that is what I am thinking. Let me know if that is how it turns out. In all my years I have never seen anything this early on a 10 week ultrasound."

I didn't know whether to be proud or mortified.
Once out of the office, I called Tim.
He just laughed...
"Did you tell them you were married to a Marine?"

Now I love my husband, 
but this is just a typical comment that I would normally never repeat to anyone else.
Seriously.
But he does still make me laugh...

We'll find out for sure just who is in there at my 18 week ultrasound
at Dr. Risky's office.
Until then, we have a preview.
Regardless, I am thrilled no matter what the sex is.
I just want a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy.

We have started discussing names,
this is a challenge.
But for right now, we have plenty of nicknames:)