Saturday, January 23, 2010

emotions

This is the last week of my 1st trimester.
With each week that passes, I have a mix of emotions.
On one hand, I am relieved...
at the same time even more terrified.
One more week of invested time...
one more week for this baby to grow bigger.

This time of year, also reminds me of the timing of Will's pregnancy.
And even after those milestone weeks pass,
it won't bring comfort.
I know too many stories...
and that is a constant reminder that there is never a "safe" point in having a baby.

I have let myself begin to imagine just what it must feel like to actually bring a baby home.
To have a c-section and then hear crying...
instead of a doctor's voice telling me it doesn't look good.
What does that feel like?
All I know is pain.
It hampers my heart in feeling joy.

What does it feel like to be wheeled into recovery with your arms full...instead of empty?
I want to know that joy...
but my reservations prevent me from hoping for something that huge.
Its happened once already,
will God keep it from happening again?
I am not brave enough to face these questions alone...
so I pray constantly.

In losing Will, I also lost countless friends.
They were unable to share in my grief.
So I am even more grateful for the strong ones,
that haven't been afraid of me...
Haven't been afraid to see the tears and the hurt...
haven't been afraid to be a friend when I couldn't be one in return.
And its those friends that understand me even now...

They understand that while I am thankful for this baby,
I am also terrified.
And they get that,
they understand why and don't try to reason me out of it.

Someone told me everything would be "fine" the other day.
I kept my mouth shut,
while secretly in my head I pictured jumping over the table between us and slapping them.
My reason?
Obviously they needed a slap from reality...
and last time I checked,
none of us has a crystal ball.

I tend to stay away from well wishes like that (and the people that utter them).
Because they don't help.
Instead, I feel crazy for doubting...
when I need to feel comforted instead.
I know these emotions are justified,
because any person that could have been in that room with us...
on a hot Saturday night in July....as we lived an entire lifetime with our baby in just a few short hours, and then handed him to a nurse...
never to see him again on this earth...
would understand if they truly tried to.
If they dared to...

And its the people that put themselves there.
That allow themselves to feel our pain...
and live their lives better because they know what we have been through,
by cherishing each day with their kids,
and knowing how lucky they are to be pregnant...
and not taking any of it for granted...
the holding and cuddling,
watching their child grow...
the bedtime stories and baths...
everything that I miss doing each day...
Its those people, that give me the hope and strength to wish
and hope
and believe...
that in the end,
its all going to be worth it.
Because they have shared in our sorrow,
and now are eager to share in our joy.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Seeing things...


Today was my 4th doctor's visit.
On Friday I had my 3rd ultrasound.
I am thankful to say that everything looks good,
and the spotting that happened over a week ago was minimal and has gone away.
Let's hope for good...
we don't need any more of that crap.

At my ultrasound, they were very thorough.
Of course, since this always happens to me,
there was a doctor in training.
I can say that I am patient about things like that,
especially with being a teacher...
but when they are doing an internal ultrasound and moving that thing all over I was about ready to punch someone...
then I saw the baby on the screen.

What a mover!
In a mere 10 days it went from looking like a gummy bear,
to what you see now.
A miracle.
So I momentarily forgot about being tortured,
and focused on the screen.
With each kick, I fell in love.
With each kick I also thought I saw something...

Without taking my eyes off the screen,
I said to the doctor,
"So I know its totally too early to tell what sex the baby is...but, uh...well, I think I am seeing something every time it moves."
The doctor laughed and said,
"Oh, you noticed that? I saw it too."
There was a lump in my throat...
"Are you telling me you think its a freaking boy?!?"
He got serious again...
"Yes, that is what I am thinking. Let me know if that is how it turns out. In all my years I have never seen anything this early on a 10 week ultrasound."

I didn't know whether to be proud or mortified.
Once out of the office, I called Tim.
He just laughed...
"Did you tell them you were married to a Marine?"

Now I love my husband, 
but this is just a typical comment that I would normally never repeat to anyone else.
Seriously.
But he does still make me laugh...

We'll find out for sure just who is in there at my 18 week ultrasound
at Dr. Risky's office.
Until then, we have a preview.
Regardless, I am thrilled no matter what the sex is.
I just want a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy.

We have started discussing names,
this is a challenge.
But for right now, we have plenty of nicknames:)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

New Year...new hope

Time is still getting away from me.
I have to keep writing,
things are going so fast and I want to remember this time.

Our New Years Eve was uneventful.
We had a dinner out with my family,
where I stuffed my face with various crappy foods
that I shouldn't be eating.
(Why does everything have to be fried here?!)
Then paid for it later when I couldn't stay awake
at our friends NYE party and had to go home at 10:00.
I'm such a loser.

My time has been spent battling sickness,
severe fatigue...
and hunger pains that come on so strongly that I would willingly take out any poor soul that got between me and whatever food I had to have at that exact moment.
Tim has learned from Will's pregnancy,
not to question my cravings.
He has been wonderful.
And despite being stuck in bed a lot of the time,
I cherish this feeling...
because I know its a good sign.

And so we have survived our first week back to the "grind."
I have taken it easy after having a scare last Sunday.
Its strange how everything with Will has changed me.
Many of these changes are just coming to light.

On Sunday, when my worst fear happened...
I took a step back,
realized that I was doing everything in my power for this baby...
and simply let go.
I am not controlling this,
I am doing my best,
and giving the rest to God.
And to be honest, I am relieved.

The rest of the week went smoothly.
And tomorrow I have yet another appointment with my regular doctor.
They will also do another ultrasound due to the circumstances of earlier this week.

But I am calm,
and taking one day at a time.
That is the only way I know how to live anymore,
and that is fine with me.