Saturday, January 23, 2010

emotions

This is the last week of my 1st trimester.
With each week that passes, I have a mix of emotions.
On one hand, I am relieved...
at the same time even more terrified.
One more week of invested time...
one more week for this baby to grow bigger.

This time of year, also reminds me of the timing of Will's pregnancy.
And even after those milestone weeks pass,
it won't bring comfort.
I know too many stories...
and that is a constant reminder that there is never a "safe" point in having a baby.

I have let myself begin to imagine just what it must feel like to actually bring a baby home.
To have a c-section and then hear crying...
instead of a doctor's voice telling me it doesn't look good.
What does that feel like?
All I know is pain.
It hampers my heart in feeling joy.

What does it feel like to be wheeled into recovery with your arms full...instead of empty?
I want to know that joy...
but my reservations prevent me from hoping for something that huge.
Its happened once already,
will God keep it from happening again?
I am not brave enough to face these questions alone...
so I pray constantly.

In losing Will, I also lost countless friends.
They were unable to share in my grief.
So I am even more grateful for the strong ones,
that haven't been afraid of me...
Haven't been afraid to see the tears and the hurt...
haven't been afraid to be a friend when I couldn't be one in return.
And its those friends that understand me even now...

They understand that while I am thankful for this baby,
I am also terrified.
And they get that,
they understand why and don't try to reason me out of it.

Someone told me everything would be "fine" the other day.
I kept my mouth shut,
while secretly in my head I pictured jumping over the table between us and slapping them.
My reason?
Obviously they needed a slap from reality...
and last time I checked,
none of us has a crystal ball.

I tend to stay away from well wishes like that (and the people that utter them).
Because they don't help.
Instead, I feel crazy for doubting...
when I need to feel comforted instead.
I know these emotions are justified,
because any person that could have been in that room with us...
on a hot Saturday night in July....as we lived an entire lifetime with our baby in just a few short hours, and then handed him to a nurse...
never to see him again on this earth...
would understand if they truly tried to.
If they dared to...

And its the people that put themselves there.
That allow themselves to feel our pain...
and live their lives better because they know what we have been through,
by cherishing each day with their kids,
and knowing how lucky they are to be pregnant...
and not taking any of it for granted...
the holding and cuddling,
watching their child grow...
the bedtime stories and baths...
everything that I miss doing each day...
Its those people, that give me the hope and strength to wish
and hope
and believe...
that in the end,
its all going to be worth it.
Because they have shared in our sorrow,
and now are eager to share in our joy.

3 comments:

Scanlans said...

Amen...

Megan Smith said...

Ditto the AMEN!

~lisa said...

wow...Amen is right..I love your writing, it always puts me "there" the rest of the world around me shuts down and its just your words, your life, your feelings that take me over.
xoxo