Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sevens

If I can recall, most people love the number 7.
My step-sister's birthday is 7.7
My friend got married on 7.7
I was always fond of the number 11,
kind of like when a digital clock reads 11:11
yes, I still knock on wood and make a wish.
Cheesy, but true.
Not that I think any number is necessarily lucky or not...

Now though, 7's sometimes get to me.
Will was born on 7.17
and today I am 17 weeks pregnant...
the exact same time in Will's pregnancy when I went to the bathroom at my parents house and knew things would never be the same.
Sevens...
Definitely the brand of my favorite jeans,
but that was always about it.
Now, I swear, every morning when I look at the clock can you guess what time it is?
7:17
Strange.

But not as strange as my inability to post the numerous blogs I have written in February.
Any guesses on how many half-finished thoughts/posts there are?
Oh yes....you guessed it.
7.

Where just all this rambling leave me?
Not quite sure.
Do I post the remaining 6 half-finished blog posts?
Not sure about that either.
The only thing I am sure about,
is that writing still helps with all of this.
"All of this" meaning all the emotions I am experiencing on the roller coaster.
And I need to write more...
and consistently.

So expect to see some changes here,
maybe a little design makeover...
because this whole blogging thing is about to get more serious.
I had a revelation the other night.
Just why do I pour my innermost thoughts and feelings
out into the Internet world for anyone to read?
I certainly didn't start blogging for this reason.
But this is where the path led,
and so I am following it. 
I never sought it out,
it just happened...
And that leaves me with a choice:
Either go through all this and keep it bottled up...
a hidden secret like most people.
Or...
put it all out there.
Take a chance and go to where I am being led.
In a hope of healing myself,
but most importantly...
maybe giving someone else hope.

What can I say?
All these 7's are urging me to take a little chance.
A gamble, that maybe things could change.
And that is a chance I have to take.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Lent

If there has been any sort of trend in my life since Will's death...
it has been the fluctuation of time.
It either goes by in a blur and suddenly much time has passed,
or it drags by.
Lately, it has been like I go to bed and when I wake up...the week is over.

This is a very good thing right now.
I have reached a point where I am trying very hard
to not let being pregnant and the timing of the week I am in,
control my thoughts and actions.
But it isn't that easy.
16 weeks.
At this time with Will, we were moving from CA to MI. And I felt great.
At 17 weeks, things began to go horribly wrong...
and at 18 weeks my water broke and I found myself in the hospital being told my baby would die...which didn't happen until much later and we all know that story.

So...
Its been difficult not to worry.
Which brings me to my thought of the day.
What to give up for lent?
This crossed my mind at the grocery store today,
as I shopped for healthy (low carb-low fat-low processed-low fun) food.
Then I thought, "screw it..." and threw a bag of Easter blow pop suckers into my cart.
I could see how this was going to go.

Everyone seems to give up something food related:
pop, candy, junk food...
but I kind of gave most of that stuff up a really long time ago.
Then I considered giving up lots of different things,
that really weren't realistic: eating out, occasional swearing, the McDonald's drive-thru...
After thinking about each of these, my immediate response was, "Yeah, right."

So, then I came to my idea of letting go or giving up worrying.
It can be done,
and it will be a challenge.
But an even bigger challenge?
How does one even know if they are not worrying...
Sigh.
All I can say is that Easter better hurry up and get here.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Yay for February...

When I woke up yesterday morning and realized it was no longer January...
I was thrilled.
But today,
its snowing...gross.
This is the time of year, when I am not thrilled to see snow ~ but disgusted.
When we lived in SoCal, January didn't hold the same contempt
as it does now...because honestly, it felt the same as any other of the 11 months out there.
Sunny and perfect.
Groundhog's day...
the term Tim & I referred to explain how every single day felt and looked the same,
to someone who is from the frozen tundra like us.

But now?
I can't stand January.
So I am super glad its February...a short month too.
I am looking at the passing of months as a big deal right now.
In March we have our 3-D ultrasound with Dr. Risky.
And in April the baby is viable.
Which is something I was blissfully unaware of until Will.
In May...it will be warmer...
followed by June.
And my goal is July.
The official due date is Aug. 5th,
however, since I have to have a c-section...
the latest I will be pregnant is until 38 weeks.
I've already done the math,
Will's anniversary days fall real close.
So that is a possibility.
We'll worry about that later.

Until then, I am focusing on February.
Next week, Tim is flying to Jersey for work.
He is nervous to leave me, yet I am quick to remind him that 4 days hardly compares to 2 deployment tours that lasted between 6 and 7 months.
Perspective...hello.
And even when I was in the hospital with Will,
he was forced to go for nearly 2 weeks.
I could have gone into labor any time,
yet they made him go for work.
Looking back, I don't know how we made it through without completely flipping out.

So I guess I can handle a little snow right now...
it makes laying low even easier.
Who wants to go out in the nasty cold and slush?
Not me.
So until winter truly begins to thaw,
I will eat and take naps...and say a prayer of thanks for each uneventful day.