That is the question of the month for me.
As I stare at half a dozen blog posts that I started,
then never actually posted...
I am again reminded how important it is for me to still write.
Because I don't want to forget this.
I don't want to forget what a great (but VERY busy!) month May has been,
and that I survived my 2nd Mother's Day without Will with much more grace and dignity than the year before...that this May has not been a low point in my life like the last...and that I had a birthday this week but DID NOT have a nervous breakdown...
We're making huge progress, people.
I am finally able to breathe a little deeper now that we have reached the 30 week mark.
Can you believe it?
I almost can not.
It seems surreal at times,
because honestly there were so many dark days in the last two years in which I actually let the negative thoughts creep in...that something like this just wasn't in God's plan for me.
And as my sister began asking about baby showers and dates back in March and April,
I completely and utterly blew her off.
Because I kept waiting for something to happen.
A baby shower for me??
I'd be lying if I said the word "NEVER" didn't cross my mind.
Today is May 27th...
two years ago on May 26th, the day after my 29th birthday I walked into the hospital for a very long 7 week stay.
I can't believe its been two years.
At the time, I was 25 weeks along with Will.
This time, I am 30 weeks and things are completely different.
I can't imagine this baby being born at the same gestational age as Will...
only 2 weeks from now??
No. This time I am in it for the long stretch.
And in realizing that things are different this time,
I allowed my family to plan that baby shower.
But allowing myself to feel excited again is a somewhat strange feeling.
Only to me, its not about what normal showers usually are...
for me, this is a full on celebration.
I think a lot of other people feel the same:)
Now if only I could merge my two home states,
Michigan & California for one day...
that would be so nice.
Because this celebration doesn't seem complete without so many that have been the distance with us...and have not the let the physical distance matter in any way.
Awhile back, in support group, we heard many couples referring to their child born after their loss...
their rainbow baby.
I thought it was a cute "label" but didn't use it much,
since others that had never heard of it made ignorant and not so funny comments...
But this baby...
is definitely our rainbow child.
Its taken lots of stormy and dark days,
along with countless tears and rain...
but it makes this particular rainbow
just that much more beautiful.