Monday, July 26, 2010

Almost there...

In less than 24 hours, Jack will be here.
All the months of waiting,
the weeks of shots and doctor's visits...
well, I get to see just how much it was all worth the wait.

My phone and email has been busy all day with exclamations from friends and family of
"Aren't you SO EXCITED?!"
I have to confess that I am not.
I am scared...and anxious...
in many ways I am just scared to get excited.
The hospital and operating room and recovery room...
they hold very bad memories for me.
Nothing pleasant,
nothing comforting.
Tomorrow, when I walk through the doors of the ER to go to the birthing center,
I will be facing those ghosts head on.
Memories are triggered by strange things:
smells, sights and feelings.
That hospital holds them all.

I will not be excited until I see him with my own eyes and hear his cry pierce the air.
Until then, I am going to be a wreck...
especially waiting in that cold room they put you in before heading for surgery.
It is quiet, cold and I know that I will be shaking.
Praying and shaking.
The shaking will continue until they numb me
and I physically am unable to do it anymore...
Tim feels the same way.

I guess we have been trained that way.
Days before Tim would return from Iraq,
people would ask the same thing:
"Aren't you so excited for him to come home?!"
No, not until he was in my arms.
Too many things can happen.
I saw the things that could happen...days, even hours, before a Marine was supposed to come home...
Not many people see those bad things.
Unfortunately, we lost that luxury years ago.
We saw things that I am glad most people don't have to think about
don't have to see.
Ignorance is bliss.

I am not ignorant about tomorrow,
and its not that I think anything bad will happen.
I just want to see this baby come into the world healthy and screaming...
and I want everything to go as it should.
I want that happy ending that so many people have been able to have...
the one that we were hoping for with Will.
I have faith that things will go well,
that I will be wheeled into recovery with a baby tomorrow.
It will be such a blessing to be surrounded by family and friends
as welcome happiness into our lives again.

And in a few days, we'll walk through the door of our house
as a family.
Finally, a family...
so bittersweet.
And for all those that have asked, I finally managed to get pics of the finished nursery up. As you can see the elephant gray is no more:)

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers...
we're almost there...


Renea Flaishans said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I cant wait to get an update saying Jack is here. And I cant wait to see pictures. Tonight I will pray for calmness and comfort for you.
Renea (Michigan)

Anonymous said...

i PRAY for you and the family, Julie - GOD BLESS YOU ALL !

Pam the Realtor said...

Adding my prayers in for a safe and healthy delivery. I think all of your fears are justified with all you have been thru but so sad to read you are having to face those again.

julietfrn said...

The sights, smells and feelings of the hospital are all about to change for you. I know you are scared, but I am so excited for you and Tim. Tomorrow you will be holding Will's baby brother in your arms and your world will change. Thoughts, prayers and love are being sent your way.
Julie from Calif.