Wednesday, February 1, 2012

New Month, new goals

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing and this blog for awhile,
and given that its Febuary 1st already,
there is only one thing for certain...
time just keeps going.
And the longer I don't write and this blogs just sits,
it isn't helping anyone...
including myself.
It was the conversation with a friend the other day
that really got me serious about my "calling" as many have referred to.
Another mom lost her sweet baby...
and I know in my heart that she won't be the last.
Sadly, babies dying is still a thing that most don't want to think about...
or its followed with the famous
"Well, at least...(fill in the blank)" comments that most people say because the truth is that they DON'T know what in the world to say, and that really isn't their fault because its not like any of us took a class in "grieving or compassion or even how to balance a check book" in high school. And God knows we need lessons in all of these and more to really function in this world.
After Will died, I've had many friends call me with similar stories.
Someone they know lost a child and they don't know what to do.
Mostly, they ask me what to NOT say.
I have always been a very open person, it doesn't pain me to talk about anything in regards to Will's life, his death or even how we have been learning to live again since.
If I can help one person it makes his death a little less painful.
Its my way of healing myself.
That might sound selfish, but by sharing his story, I breathe life back into his existence since I coudn't breathe it into his little body while he was here on earth.
Any mother can understand this.
So that brings me back to this blog,
I started it in the hospital as an update.
Now I look back and its a valuable tool on those days when I feel like I am still in that dark place when I came home empty handed to a cold, dark house.
We still struggle.
Two beautiful babies later, there is still a void.
And I know that it is okay to admit this while other people in the same position are afraid to.
I know I need to write more.
Not only for helping others, but also to help myself.
My end goal is to write that book everyone has been bugging me about.
There. I finally wrote it.
Now its out in cyber world...instead of just empty words floating in my head.
Prayers that somehow it comes to be,
and that I can find the talent, energy and TIME to accomplish it!