Tuesday, June 26, 2012

What have we been up to?!?!

Has it really been MONTHS since I've blogged?!?
Being a mommy to two little boys under 2...
well, I have finally met my match.
I am no longer the super organized, time-effecient, never-late woman that I used to be.
Oh, she's still in there...in spirit. But it may be years before I'm a version of my former self!
Wouldn't have it any other way.

So what have we been up to?
Surviving.
Every day is an adventure.
Sleep deprivation??
No wonder they use it on POW's...
you suddenly lose the ability to really care about non-important things.
Which is fine, and even after Will dying, it is impossible to go back to our former selves where I spent my time distracting myself with only temporary material things of this world.

But suddenly, summer is upon us and I am faced with the 4th year anniversary of Will's birth and death.
4 years.
It still doesn't seem real.
There is still a hole.
And there are days I just want to cry and be left alone,
only now I simply don't have that option.
People say that time heals all, anyone who had had their child die knows that this is complete crap.
It is the darkest thing, watching a piece of yourself die.
And suddenly I have been thrust into the past and having to watch friends come to know this pain.
It is the kind of tragedy where I silently wished it would never happen to anyone I know.
Life had other plans.

Trying to help someone when I know there is really nothing I can do is also frustrating.
Everyone grieves differently and has different situations.
But the pain is the same.
Only now, with time, I am the other person now.
The woman who lost her first child but now has two healthy boys.
Somehow this is supposed to lessen the initial blow that life dealt me.

But what about the feelings that never really go away?
The times when I swore I would never take me kids for granted or get angry or lose my patience?
Suddenly, I am a "normal" mom who's kids can drive her absolutely insane.
When did this suddenly happen?
At what point in time, did my grieving end and my life begin again?
And at what moment did I simply wish one of my son's would just STOP crying when I always longed to hear Will make any noise at all?

Even as I type, Jack is climbing on me like a human jungle gym even though he has a mountain of toys and a sand table to keep him occupied here outside while I try to type my first blog in months?!!?
I am annoyed.
Why?
Because I am human.
And I am a mom who now not only has to juggle a 23 month old and a 7 month old and push back those moments when I still think to myself that there should be a nearly 4 year old here too.

And so my observation to those new parents who suddenly find themselves without their baby they longed so much for?
Life somehow continues.
You find a new sense of normal.
Yet you never forget and you are never the person you were before.
How could you be?
And even with the birth of an additional child there are struggles, because after all, how can you ever stop thinking about "what could have been/should have been?"
You don't. And you can't.
In your mind, you keep that alive.
Because thinking about what your life would be like if they were still alive...well, its honestly the only thing you have left of your child that has died.
So you imagine them in your family at that moment, and find peace that someday your family will be whole and comlete again.
Just not here on this earth,
or even in this lifetime.
And that is why you never really "get over it."