Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Snapshot in time

I can't even begin to catch up on all the lost days since this summer.
There is one explanation for my lack of writing: my boys keep me very busy.
And in the chaos of the day, I often don't have time to even feed myself...
let alone to really think about Will or miss Sophie or do anything else that was my life just two short years ago. And while that isn't a bad thing~it is different.

Jack & Declan grow every day and time goes too fast.
It goes too fast because most days I accomplish nothing except for playing and laughing and maybe writing down a "to do" list for when I do get that time back that eludes me.
But for right now, I am content with story time and keeping fingers from getting smashed in drawers.
Just when I get used to this life, it will change again...

Its fall.
The season that I missed most of all in California.
Everything changes here and this fall is no different.
Our house has finally gotten an offer and we will be moving.
A part of me has wanted this for so long,
and now that it is here its almost hard to let go.

We had huge dreams for this place.
We never wanted to move again...
and as quickly as we got here and then Will died,
well, I couldn't wait to leave.
And then we had Jack and the house wasn't so empty anymore.
But it could never be what I had imagined it to be.
Too many rainy days,
too many days staring out the window and crying and wondering how I was going to keep living.
And then Sophie died too.

I guess I know there won't ever be a perfect house,
but I am ready for a new chapter.
And in the meantime, living closer to the city will help too.
But leaving this place and the dreams I had for it,
is still more difficult than I thought it would be.

Will was here, even if it was only when I was pregnant with him,
and the memories I have of Sophie running around in our yard still flash in my mind every time I go outside to play with Jack.

I had ghosts in California too.
Memories of Marines with their families at picnics and dinners, and then those memories playing even though I knew they had died.
But now when I go back to those places, I don't really see the things I used to.
I guess I am ready for that here too.
I want to move forward, remembering the past but not being held captive by it.

So as all the leaves change,
I'll pack boxes and get redy for our own new change.
Building a house.
Like I said before, I'm busy...but apparently not too busy to design and build a new house.

Whew. Better dust off the computer too.
This is will be one big adventure,
time to blog about it so that one day I can look back and proudly proclaim that it is just one more thing that I survived:)