The Murray Family Memo

New Month, new goals

2012-02-01T10:15:00.005-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing and this blog for awhile,

and given that its Febuary 1st already,

there is only one thing for certain...

time just keeps going.

And the longer I don't write and this blogs just sits,

it isn't helping anyone...

including myself.

It was the conversation with a friend the other day

that really got me serious about my "calling" as many have referred to.

Another mom lost her sweet baby...

and I know in my heart that she won't be the last.

Sadly, babies dying is still a thing that most don't want to think about...

or its followed with the famous

"Well, at least...(fill in the blank)" comments that most people say because the truth is that they DON'T know what in the world to say, and that really isn't their fault because its not like any of us took a class in "grieving or compassion or even how to balance a check book" in high school. And God knows we need lessons in all of these and more to really function in this world.

After Will died, I've had many friends call me with similar stories.

Someone they know lost a child and they don't know what to do.

Mostly, they ask me what to NOT say.

I have always been a very open person, it doesn't pain me to talk about anything in regards to Will's life, his death or even how we have been learning to live again since.

If I can help one person it makes his death a little less painful.

Its my way of healing myself.

That might sound selfish, but by sharing his story, I breathe life back into his existence since I coudn't breathe it into his little body while he was here on earth.

Any mother can understand this.

So that brings me back to this blog,

I started it in the hospital as an update.

Now I look back and its a valuable tool on those days when I feel like I am still in that dark place when I came home empty handed to a cold, dark house.

We still struggle.

Two beautiful babies later, there is still a void.

And I know that it is okay to admit this while other people in the same position are afraid to.

I know I need to write more.

Not only for helping others, but also to help myself.

My end goal is to write that book everyone has been bugging me about.

There. I finally wrote it.

Now its out in cyber world...instead of just empty words floating in my head.

Prayers that somehow it comes to be,

and that I can find the talent, energy and TIME to accomplish it!

The Joys

2012-01-09T12:15:00.004-05:00

So I had to share these...

Things are going great with Declan~

such an easygoing and happy baby.

Jack was my difficult one,

and still can be:)

As I was taking these photos of the Declan in his new outfit the other day, Jack was eating in his highchair just a few feet away in the kitchen. You see, I have to restrain the kid whenever I take photos of Declan since he's always trying to kiss him (very cute, I know) and gets in the way. Well, after a few shots, Jack starts in with the whining. Then the screaming. I have tried everything with this kid, he screams all the time and it drives me insane. So I try to ignore it completely...unless it gets out of control like in this situation. I turned around after a few minutes to see this scene and busted out laughing. Serves the kid right. Because in his world, getting a piece of lunch meat stuck on top of his head would be an emergency...

And never mind the yogurt covered pretzels the kid had managed to smear everywhere. Seriously? And all over the super cute brand new shirt he had been wearing for about 30 minutes...

I love having boys:)

free time...

2011-11-30T20:21:00.004-05:00

Not that I ever had much free time after Jack,

but now even that little much I MIGHT have had during a random nap or after bedtime is a distant memory...

even now I am typing with one hand and holding a screaming Declan in the other.

Motherhood is glorious:)

This week, Tim headed back to work and I quickly realized that this was going to get overwhelming pretty quickly. Someone once said the hardest jump is going from no kids to your first one. I have found this to be utter crap. Not only am a recovering from my 3rd c-section (which is not going well and is an entirely different story) I am also outnumbered most of the time. Newborns are demanding enough with feedings and diaper changes, pair that with my strong-willed Jack and it can be a chaotic scene around here rather quickly.

Thank God for sweatpants and my nasty bathrobe with pockets. At one time, this robe came from the most luxurious resort Southern California had to offer: The Montage Resort and Spa in Laguna Beach....I can assure you that is is anything but nowadays! My robe that is...not the hotel, which in my most trying moments I can escape to for a moment in my mind when I need a quick sanity check.

Being a stay at home mom is easily the HARDEST job I have ever had to do. Harder than dealing with rich clients at that luxury resort, harder than guiding a classroom full of children, harder than saying goodbye to my husband for a deployment to Iraq...But seeing my two healthy children together is precious to me and makes even those hardest days worth it. And how could you not want to eat up those two precious faces in the photos. The brotherly love is so sweet to watch...And Jack is quickly coming around (most of the time).

Sure. I live in sweatpants lately. Whatever. I also live in the woods with no one around to see me...If I still lived in SoCal I know I would feel a bit more ashamed. So to keep a higher standard for myself, today I didn't just put on any sweatpants. I pulled out my new Juicy Couture ones, still with tags and prided myself that only a month ago I couldn't even pull them over my huge thighs. They now fit. Here's to getting a little piece of the old Julie back:)

Introducing Declan Thomas

2011-11-20T16:20:00.006-05:00

Getting ready to go home!

I can't believe our baby is over a week old already!

Declan Thomas was born according to plan on 11.11.11 at 11:58 am.

He has been an amazingly easy baby...

its Jack that has been keeping us on our toes this last week.

I am not surprised!

Declan sleeps all the time.

He hardly cries.

This is truly an easy baby so far.

And thank goodness because Jack is giving us a run for our money.

The kid is SLOWLY adjusting to having someone else around.

For right now, I'm doing good just putting up some pictures!

So thankful that he is here safe and sound!

The final countdown

2011-11-08T20:31:00.005-05:00

Can it really be happening this week?!

I am in shock that we'll be driving to the hospital in just 3 days to meet our newest addition. In the meantime, I know that I have been meaning to get this blog updated...

and here is the truth,

I have typed out 3 blogs and then my computer won't let me post them.

I about had a nervous breakdown, so after taking a week break from attempting to post anything, this one is going to be short and sweet but with some photos.

The nursery is done.

It was super easy and fun and Tim and I really enjoyed doing a little bit each night.

And then there was Halloween,

which was also so much fun this year with Jack.

He was a goldfish and tolerated being paraded around like a champ. But of course, the photos of that won't download tonight...so there are after and before's of the nursery since I couldn't seem to get those in the right order either. These days, I pick my battles. Something is better than nothing, right?

So these last few days I have been spending a lot of time just being with Jack and enjoying our last few moments of 1 on 1 time. Reading and playing cars and doing puzzles...

because come Friday, our world is about to get rocked.

In a crazy good way:)

About that time...

2011-10-04T21:30:00.004-04:00

This is the time in my pregnancy when I am about done...

except that I know my life is about to change into pure chaos,

so while I am ready to no longer be pregnant (the aches, pain and diabetes)

I am not yet ready to give up my 6+ hours of uninterrupted sleep at night.

Jack is crazy.

The kid is into everything. Walking. Opening doors. Stealing my phone...making huge messes. Normally this would not bother me.

But when we were at Walgreens the other day and he dropped 2 bags of cough drops on the floor on purpose I nearly burst into tears.

I can't bend over.

I can't pick things up off the floor.

I wanted to completely lose my mind...

and that is how I know I am ready to not be huge any more:)

But I am not yet ready for baby #3.

For the first time, I will have two children here with me.

I'm already a mother of 2 boys (soon to be 3) but I've never been able to hold more than one at a time...and they were years apart.

How is this going to work?

I'm excited yet scared and anxious. Even with having #3 here, I know our family won't feel complete. Jack will be a big brother. But he's never known being the little brother either.

Heavy stuff.

I've got a lot on my mind lately,

all while trying to keep up with Jack and get the new baby room ready.

We're also moving Jack's room to be by the new baby,

since moving out of this house won't be happening.

So I have 2 rooms to complete in just a matter of weeks.

It can be done.

Those are the easy things...

how do you explain about being a big brother to a 14 month old?

How do you prepare from going to having a single living child to two? All while focusing not on what could have or should have been and focusing instead of the living boys God has blessed us with?

The only constant in life is change.

But honestly, the only thing I wish I could change at the moment is to trade in my tired, exhausted body for someone with super-human strength...

'cause I could really use that right now:)

We are so excited for this new baby and to grow our family.

And as the leaves are starting to change

and the weather grows cooler,

I know its only a matter of weeks until we can finally meet him.

catch up

2011-09-22T21:14:00.002-04:00

When I think about how far behind I've gotten in blogging,

it really blows my mind.

I used to write nearly every day when I began this as a hospital update over 3 years ago. And then after Will died, it was really my only outlet to deal with the incredible loss.

I cherish those entries...and looking back its crazy to see how far we have come in the last 3 years. Literally, I was on the brink of no hope. So devastated after losing Will just 3 months after I quit my job as a teacher in Southern California to start a new beginning in Michigan.

And then it was just wiped away.

I felt like I had lost everything,

and in a way...I really did.

But slowly, as days passed into weeks, which passed into months...I now sit here 3 years later with a 13 month old son and another healthy baby on the way who will be here in November.

And I feel so blessed.

Not just for my children,

but for everything along the journey.

I don't have time to blog like I used to.

But it is because of my little blessings that keep me busier than I have ever been in my life.

Sure, I miss writing like I used to.

But some day soon, the clinging little arms and whining will be all grown up...

and it will have gone so fast.

I would rather have this, then an empty (and clean!) house and hours to write because I have no one that needs me for hugs and naps and stories.

But in the meantime, I really do have to do at least one entry a week. Because I want to remember all of this too.

Life has finally found a new sense of normal.

It has taken a long time,

but there is always hope for better things to come if you have enough faith.

Even if at the time it seems only as big as a seed,

that is all it takes...

Jack's 1st Birthday

2011-08-22T20:02:00.006-04:00

Jack's facial expression was so precious when everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to him!

Digging right in to his smash cake

Yummy Monkey Pops

Lots of treats!

Okay, so Jack's 1st birthday was nearly a month ago and I am just now getting around to writing about it...total slacker! Well, not really, I mean...a LOT has been going on around here but I did cheat just a little bit and change the post date to early August so it doesn't look so bad!

Jack's party turned out great. I know its probably not top on many people's list to go to a one year olds birthday party, but we are so grateful for the family and friends that made it over to celebrate with us. After all, I know Jack won't remember any of this, but truly...we have been waiting a LONG TIME to actually celebrate our child's birthday. And it was a time to celebrate...

I had a different theme all picked out and then once I got pregnant, I just didn't have the time or energy to go all out with it like I had wanted. So there is always next year. Instead, I found this super cute monkey theme on a website and they literally had everything I needed. So I took the path of least resistence! It turned out pretty cute. My addition was the monkey pop party favors, which after working all day on them Friday, turned out to taste just as good as they looked! Whew:)

Its hard to believe Jack is already one, and his little brother will be here in just a couple of short months. Three years ago exactly we were wondering just where our lives were headed without Will. We didn't have a whole lot of hope back then, but the shred of it I did have left...couldn't even have pictured how good we would have it now.

I'm so grateful and blessed.

Whirlwind

2011-07-28T14:44:00.007-04:00

Jack's 1st Haircut

Visiting the bricks that Grandma & Grandpa had done in honor of Will in Rockford.

What a crazy time these past two weeks have been.

We made it through Will's 3rd Birthday and death anniversary

just looking towards the future and Jack's 1st Birthday to get us through.

This year was still difficult and being 23 weeks pregnant only made

me more emotional.

Then on July 21st my grandmother passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer's.

Even though I have been preparing for this for many years,

no matter what I might have thought, it still hit me hard.

I love my grandma,

she was the grandma I spent much time with growing up and knew the best.

So on Monday we had her funeral

and this week has felt like a roller coaster.

Again, death and birth all within a few days of each other.

And to think that just a few years ago July used to just be a completely boring month for our family!

But yesterday we celebrated Jack's 1st birthday with just the 3 of us.

He is such a good boy lately,

and I am loving him to pieces.

His big party is going to be Saturday and I am loving every minute of the preparations.

Its crazy and hectic,

but I have waited so long for this type of celebration.

My kids are going to grow up knowing just how special every year...every day...they are here on this earth really is.

As for me?

I'm looking forward to finally getting to party after all this mourning...

Its been a long time coming,

but so worth the wait.

How is Jack handling turning one?

He was a sport and was such a good boy for his 1st haircut...

we have had fun celebrating all the little "1st" this year has had to offer.

Will's 3rd Birthday

2011-07-16T20:27:00.004-04:00

I remember every July so clearly since Will was born.

2008 being in the hospital and a huge storm whipping through the night before he was born.
2009 being so sucky as we were still grieving so hard and wondering why we couldn't get pregnant...
2010, being so darn hot and me about to explode in the heat...but determined NOT to have Jack born on his brother's birthday or the dreaded other day just 52 hours from now.
And here we are in 2011...surprisingly pregnant again, getting ready to celebrate Jack's 1st birthday in just 10 days.

This year I feel incredibly blessed,
but it doesn't take the sting of Will not being here away.
It still hurts.
But honestly, what hurts even worse is something that the passing of time brings...
the habit of forgetting.

Sure, I am planning a huge party for Jack.
But tomorrow I want to remember Will.
And we are supposed to get together with family, and some mentioned saving "time" and celebrating Jack's birthday early...

To me this is so hurtful.

I'm sure not intentional, but unfortunately we have a lot of family that rarely mentions our son, our grief and says things like "Oh yeah, we knew his birthday was around this time."

WHAT?!

And that is if they even say anything at all.
Hurtful because it is already an afterthought...
like he never existed.
And this is a battle every mother that has even lost a child has had to endure.
Because my heart won't even allow me to forget.

Happy 3rd Birthday, sweet Will.
Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like if you were still here...
what you would say,
what you would love to eat,
what you would love to play with...
and who you never got to become.

Your birthday changed daddy and me forever,
and we'll be better parents to your brothers because you were here first.
We love and miss you more than words can say...

And we are so grateful to our family and friends that are brave and strong enough to remember you...and who choose to remember, even though it isn't always easy.

3 for 3

2011-07-06T20:21:00.002-04:00

So this is really late,

and I feel really bad about it...
but we had our 20 week ultrasound a couple of weeks ago.
I take for granted how easy it is just to post a one liner on Facebook anymore,
and that is about all the time I have lately because Jack is
INTO EVERYTHING!!

But we got word that he will have another partner in crime
in November...
A little brother to get into even more trouble with.

Tim and I were a little shocked that number 3 was another boy,
both of us feeling so blessed but wondering just how we would manage the chaos:)
But since they will only be 15 months apart,

I'm hoping they will be best buddies.

And the fact that we already are acquiring lots of boys things makes it super economical:)
I am so excited for this new little boy to join our family.
And from the look of the 3D images,
if I imagine in my head just right...
all 3 of my boys appear to have very similar features.

I'm just so thankful that everything is going well and he is healthy.
Now we play the name game...
and I am honestly out of boys names!

I promise to post the 3D pics of #3 as soon as I can get them downloaded:)

Where does the time go?!

2011-06-27T21:04:00.002-04:00

I checked in on my blog and realized that I haven't posted anything for the entire month of June...what in the world is wrong with me?!

Oh yeah, I am pregnant and chasing after an 11 month old. Despite everything that we have been through, I have to confess that the other day we were driving and I told Tim that I was almost expecting something bad to happen again. I mean, the road with Jack hasn't been paved in gold, but he brings so much joy to our lives...and the past few months (now that I am past the morning sickness and such) things have been, well, good.

Do you realize that I thought I would NEVER be able to say that ever again after Will died??

I still have days where I cry, and miss him terribly. But the truth is, his death is just so much a part of me now that I carry it around without noticing it some days. Its always there, I always feel it...but I can now function and appear to others as if nothing ever happened.
Not sure if that is good or bad,
but that is what it is...

In a few days it will be July. Wednesday we find out if we are having a boy or girl. And somehow time just keeps moving forward. In just a few short weeks, Will would have been 3 years old. How did that happen? And how is Jack almost 1 already?

All I know, is that I enjoy every single day. Thus, the lack of blogs...I've just been too busy keeping up with my little monkey. But I want to write more, because one day, I'll want to look back and remember these good days, just as I continue to occasionally look back at my older blogs to remember the bad ones....

And say a huge prayer of thanks when I realize just how far we have come.

Lots of pictures...

2011-05-22T20:20:00.001-04:00

So I know these are pictures from weeks ago...

but better late then never.
And this kid is keeping me so busy,
he is into everything!

I am seriously EXHAUSTED lately, but feeling good otherwise...
So that is my excuse for the lack of blogging.
Especially skipping his 9 month update.
So here is a short one:

Jack's current status...
6 teeth (which he uses to bite and chew everything...including my toe and his beautiful crib rail)
Loves food (especially ours)
Is finally on somewhat of a regular nap/sleep schedule (Thank you, God!!)
Loves to chase Sophie :) This never gets boring to watch
Is incredibly ticklish.

And overall, he just grows more fun each day...
I'm loving this age.
Hard to believe he'll be a year old soon!

Mother's Day

2011-05-10T08:15:00.007-04:00

My first Mother's Day with a living child and one on the way!

My husband tried so hard to make it special, and it was.

We went out for breakfast, where Jack was an angel. Couldn't have asked for more:)

Then he took Jack for a run on the biking trail in the jogging stroller we just got so I could have my one Mother's Day wish: A nap! Having that hour and a half of uninterrupted sleep felt like heaven to this pregnant momma:)

Then, the one aspect I was not planning on was our realtor called and someone wanted a showing! Literally, I was the most annoyed that I have been in a really long time. So when I woke up from my nap, I started cleaning...on Mother's Day!

Seriously, ridiculous...

But when your house is for sale, do you really have a choice when the prospective buyers are not living around here? All I have to say is we had better get an offer!

While the house was being showed, we went and had some dinner and just enjoyed being a family. Lots of calls and well-wishes came in and I am so grateful for all those that were lifting me up. I won't lie, its still hard to think that Will should be here. And every day I still miss him.

But the other day I was reading something that Elizabeth Edwards said and it really stuck with me. Not just because what she said was close to my heart, but because often my heart breaks because most of our family rarely mentions Will or honors his memory in any way. And to me that is the most unbearable. So when I read her words, I felt like I had a voice to express just what that felt like. Because I love being a mom. And before Jack came along, I was a mom to Will first. And so this Mother's Day, I was celebrating being a mom to not just one, but two boys...

"If you know someone who has lost a child...and your afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."

What great advice, especially now, when spring is finally here and my mind is heavy with reminders that 3 years ago this month I began my 8 week stay at The Hotel Del Spectrum Hospital :) But this Mother's Day was the best I have ever had...and I look forward to many more with our growing little family!

CA trip

2011-04-23T19:55:00.003-04:00

For spring break,

we ventured to our old home...Orange County, CA.
I have to admit that while we lived there, I absolutely could not stand it at times.
Now I am smart enough to also admit that not only was I stupid,
but that my feelings have changed.
There is so much to do there,
but most importantly we love our friends and miss them dearly.
And the best part?
Some of the best weather in the country.
Very predictable.
And in our life, I will take anything predictable...
we've had enough surprises:)

So we took a nice long plane ride with Jack (who did pretty well and won over the masses on the plane) and went for a little sunshine and relaxation...only when you have a 8 month old, there is not much time to relax. So about a day before we were supposed to come back home, we were finally on a schedule again and I was not ready to come back to grey and cold Michigan.

It was a fun trip. And I loved seeing everyone again and eating at all of our favorite places. We'll hopefully end up living out there in the future. Life it too short to live in a place you don't love. And I really miss the ocean and sunshine. My only bummed out moment was not being able to have the incredible mojitos at Coyote Grill in Laguna...and as far as Jack, that kid loves to be outside. Of course, time went too fast and between the pregnancy blahs and the time change we didn't do a whole lot.

But then again, it was just nice to sit by the pool and feel the sunshine again. And Jack, that kid was all about the water and being outside. He even got to pick a lemon off the tree:) I'm ready to go back for more...

Fashion Show

2011-04-15T11:13:00.007-04:00

So along with Jack keeping me busy, there is something else that threw us for a loop this past month.

And since I love to shop,
when I saw this adorable shirt for Jack, I knew I had to get it.
Even though I am German, Not Dutch...
Doesn't matter,
its gets the point across, right?!

For the record, this was the biggest shock of my life.
Had no intention at all of getting pregnant so quickly after Jack.
In fact, after all we've been through, I didn't even think it was possible.
Just goes to show you, God has the ultimate plan...not us!

Now if I could just be blessed with Superman strength to get me through this...
and maybe a little delay in Jack walking too!

Months 7 & 8

2011-04-12T08:42:00.001-04:00

Okay, I am embarrassed...

After all the people that read and follow this blog,

I should know better than to go nearly 2 months without posting anything.

And its not that I didn't want to,

writing is still my outlet...and perhaps if I did more of it,

the last two months would have been a bit more bearable!

But this kid...

takes up all my energy and time...

Since my last post in Feb. Jack has begun to crawl...to pull himself up on furniture...to bite all the furniture he pulls himself up on...and even gnaw on the nastiest thing~our concrete hearth that comes out of the fireplace. Ugh. Tim shudders with each little scratch of his teeth.

Then there are the wires. If there is anything poking out from behind a table, in the mouth it goes. I am seriously exhausted...

But there are so many fun things too. Jack loves food. He tries everything and we can no longer eat our own meals without him grabbing or screaming for a bite. Its fun to give him new things to try and watch his face.

But if we think we are busy with him now, just wait until the walking begins...and then there all the other things going on. More on that soon!

Snow, snow...go away

2011-02-16T18:58:00.003-05:00

If I were to sum up the last few weeks it would be this:

Snow.

Tons of snow.

As you can see from the pics, the drifts were clear up to the glass on the door. At least a foot and a half high.

Then today it reached 45 degrees and I did a little happy dance as I watched the huge mountains in front of our house slowly melt down to something a bit easier on the eyes.

I am so ready for spring.

While it was busy snowing outside, we have been busy inside. Except for the one day that G&G bought Jack his little red sled and somehow talked me into going for a walk around the neighborhood. Don't let the sun fool you~it was FREEZING.

But besides trying to stay warm, we have officially put our house up for sale. Where are we going? Not quite sure...but after the huge blizzard I'm daring to say someplace a bit warmer maybe. We'll see.

Jack has also been going to Gymboree class, which helps us beat the "stuck inside all the time" blues. He loves it. Because let's face it, here in Michigan you can only go to the mall or grocery store so many times before you feel like your going lose it.

Today had a small sense of spring about it. Just how excited did this make me?

I was giddy.

Seriously, giddy.

Combine that with the plane tickets I just bought to fly us out to L.A. in a few weeks and today was a spectacular day:)

Now I just need to get my ab rolls to look as cute as Jack's in a swimsuit:)

6 months

2011-01-27T01:40:00.006-05:00

Happy 6 month Birthday!

A whole half year already...

And what a week leading up to it!

Jack, this week you celebrated your half year birthday with a bang:

First fever (102.3)

First cold

and to top it all off your first TWO teeth popped through this morning!

You have not been a happy camper,

but you have been one tough cookie.

Since Christmas you can now sit up for longer periods without any help

or without falling on your face. You also are eating a few solid foods and no longer gagging on them:) What is the most disgusting thing? You love prunes...I have no idea who you got this trait from!

Most importantly, you can now fit into all your 6-12 month clothes I happily have stashed away along the journey:) And good thing, because not only are you the best dressed in the family (according to Daddy), but it means that you always have a clean set of clothes since you seem to drool a LOT...and never mind all the spit-up, since you love to bend your little body in half as you reach and grab for everything in sight, including your toes.

We love to make you laugh and giggle. Your feet and tummy are ticklish. And you just love to be a busy body, I know in a few short moments you will be giving me a great work out chasing after you.

You bring so much joy to our lives. Every day is something new...

Speaking of new, mommy found these fun stickers to slap on just before its time to snap your monthly photos.

What a great idea! Find them on www.pickysticky.com

If only everything were this easy! Because apparently your toes were much more interesting than anything I was doing to get your attention for a cute 6 month picture:)

*Sigh*

And that is nothing new...

2.5

2011-01-20T09:57:00.004-05:00

Two and half years ago yesterday, Will died.

After all this time, nothing really has changed on the inside.

I still miss him terribly and think about him numerous times a day. That probably surprises a lot of people. But it really shouldn't...I have found that with Jack being born, people are quick to forget who came before.

But as a mother, you never do...

There are times when I glance at Jack, see a similarity and it causes me to catch my breath. We look out the window together at the falling snow and I tell him about his brother. He has no idea what I am talking about right now, but as he grows up, he will know about Will.

Most days now are filled with such crazy busy "mom tasks" like feeding Jack, keeping him happy and constantly changing him from outfit to outfit as he drools or throws up. I don't have time to be sad...in fact finding time to clean or change out of sweat pants still can be a challenge! And don't even get me started on trying to keep up with everything I want to blog about...

But every now and then he will look at me with those eyes, or cuddle up to me in the middle of the night after a bottle and I can't stop the tears from streaming down my face. I hug him as if I am hugging them both.

Jack is such a blessing and as his little personality is beginning to show...

I'm loving him twice as hard.

New Year...New Family

2011-01-11T08:28:00.007-05:00

Our little family had a great Christmas this year...

and if there was one phrase that Tim and I found ourselves constantly repeating to ourselves and to each other was,

"What a difference a year makes."

This was the year we had been waiting MANY years for...

Jack has brought back a love for life that I thought I might never see again. The past few holidays were so painful without Will and without any sort of real hope that we often thought of selling everything we owned and escaping to some far away land. Some of our family & friends understood our grief and were supportive, while others were so painfully clueless that it has led us to simply cut out any sort of gatherings because we just couldn't take it.

What a difference a year makes...

New Years 2008, we were beat up. Without our son, in a new state, and me without a job...I'll be honest, there wasn't anything happy about life at that moment. I wanted out. January 2009 was the lowest point in my life and yet when I think back (isn't that really what New Years is all about? Reflection?) I have no idea what kept me from giving up except for one thing, there was about a gram of hope left in my soul. All I did was pray for that spec of hope to grow and as it did with time I also found my faith being restored...it simply HAD to get better than this.

New Years 2009, I had a secret that I had just shared with family. Even though I was about 12 weeks along I was terrified. Terrified that this would end up just like the other 3...and when I started having more complications last January I threw my hands in the air and was at a complete loss. I didn't even know what to pray...Did I pray for a miscarriage right then so it wouldn't be like Will all over again? Was that how damaged I was that I had given up even thinking it might turn out the way I had only started to allow myself to dare to dream? Each day in 2010 leading up to Jack's birth was an achievement.

New Years 2010...I stared at my dream come true laying in his crib. I cursed my neighbors for setting of fireworks in front of our house at midnight and waking me from my precious sleep...and I stared at Jack once again as he slept right through. This year, I was physically drained but finally emotionally and spiritually thriving. I finally felt myself again. It had been a long journey to get here...

But what a difference a year makes.

And now as we make our way into 2011 I wonder what this year will bring. No matter what it does, my resolution is to be better at blogging about it!!

Happy New Year:)

5 Months

2010-12-27T03:40:00.007-05:00

Jack,

This past month has been full of the most changes so far. How do you change so much and so fast?! I know I keep saying this, but seriously! We had your doctor's appointment last week and you measured 26 inches and 18 pounds~the 90% percentile. You are officially growing out of your 3-6 months clothes and are in size 6-12 now.

So just how much have you changed this past month? You LOVE to "talk" and jabber all the time, it is a sound that daddy and I absolutely love to hear. It is so stinking cute. You also have started to laugh and giggle when we tickle and kiss you~so much fun!

Sophie is one of your most favorite things to watch. We will sit on the bed in the morning and you will talk to her:) You still like to sit up with help and we are waiting for the day for you to roll over intentionally and to sit on your own. But the Dr. says not to worry, you haven't yet because your belly is too fat and gets in the way!

Your hair is finally growing in and is a fuzzy light brown, almost blond. And to everyone's surprise (except for mommy's) your eyes are still blue. I am hoping they stay blue like mine:) Besides watching Soph and chewing on your favorite toy, a rubber teething Giraffe also named Sophie, you love to stand on our laps with us holding you up. But your legs are so strong! You can hold your own weight and I'm afraid your legs are going to be bowed because you pull yourself up on our laps so much!

This past week was your first Christmas and I know in a few weeks you will be sitting on your own. We are past the real baby stage and you have become so much fun as we watch you laugh and learn about everything around you! Now if only I could keep you from scratching up your face all the time! Here is a picture of you in your new hat that Opa sent...complete with the latest scratches to your face.

But my most favorite new thing you do? Watching you try to stick your toes in your mouth, which surprisingly you have accomplished...despite that chunky belly of yours!

Jack's 1st Halloween

2010-11-03T21:41:00.004-04:00

Loving to stand all the time!

Daddy time.

Passed out after a long night of helping hand out candy at Dorothy's house!

Cutest caterpillar ever!

Halloween weekend was a blast with Jack.

We hung out with friends Saturday and Sunday night to hand out candy.

And he also had his 3 month pictures taken in Holland...

someone is just like their dad~pitching a fit when a camera is aimed at them.

As soon as the torture session was over, it was all smiles for Grandma in the car on the way home.

He was such a sport about being dressed in an overstuffed costume and being paraded around all weekend...many asked about his costume and I actually got it years ago while we lived in California. I couldn't pass it up and remember thinking that it would be perfect for a Halloween in Michigan where it feels more like winter. And I was right, it was freezing!

But Jack was snug as a bug...literally.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2010-10-15T08:58:00.005-04:00

This past weekend we marked our 3rd Walk to Remember in Honor of Will.

I can hardly believe this is the 3rd one...

and the transformation that has taken place.

When I look back at that first year picture and its so sunny and beautiful,

it feels like yesterday.

I feel the same way about our last night with Will.

It was so beautiful and yet even though its been over 2 years, it still feels like yesterday...

But this year, we had Jack.

And while many may think that it was easier or possibly more bearable,

I have to say that having a new baby does not fill the hole left by the one that passed.

They are two different people,

and if anything I was left to wonder just how Will would react to his new brother.

But instead, we made another balloon just for Jack to send up to Will.

That first year I dreamed that one day I would be able to bring a new baby to the walk...

and that it would be better.

It would be easier.

Well, it wasn't either.

It still is what it is and that is all.

Our lives are woven of people and memories,

and all these things come together in a sort of fabric that make us who we are.

Even though Will was only here a short time,

his memory continues to be woven throughout who I am...and what kind of mother I want to be for Jack.

And as more things are woven together, Will is not left behind as a memory...

I still carry his heart in mine,

no matter where I go...

Two Months!!

2010-09-27T16:36:00.005-04:00

Wow, Jack Jack...you are getting so big!

These last two months with you have gone so fast,

I'm sure we will always feel this way about watching you grow.

What have you been up to the last month?

Well, a lot has changed!

You no longer have a big bald spot on the top of your head, you have finally sprouted some very fine brown hair~its too cute.

And when we look at you, I swear you grow before our eyes.

Last month your head was kind of slender,

but now your face and cheeks have filled out

and your little head is perfectly round like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Speaking of filling out, you now have rolls everywhere!

Your ankles, wrists and arms are all so chubby.

Packing on all that weight must tire you out,

but we don't mind since you have started sleeping between 4-6 hours through the night.

YAY!!

Mom has gained some sanity back:)

You are wearing 3-6 month clothes, but not for long...

some of your outfits are now 6-12 months.

You have started to sit up in your bumbo chair and swing,

mommy loves these things too because it gives her arms a nice break.

Tummy time is either fun or torture, depending on the day

but when you have had "enough" of anything or are about to flip out,

you like to warn us by kicking your legs really fast back and forth, especially the right one.

The other day we had your 2 month checkup,

the doctor walked in, took one look at you and stopped in his tracks.

"Wow," he said, "That is what a 4 months looks like, not a two month old!"

And sure enough, you weighed in at 14.5 pounds which is in the 95% percentile...

your carseat is getting heavy!

We wish we could freeze time and enjoy these days more.

Daddy comes home and you read a book together.

I know it won't be too long before you are able to really follow along.

I'm enjoying each day as it comes with you because these days are just going so quickly...

Soon enough you'll be sitting up and then moving...

I am not ready for that yet!

The end of summer...

2010-09-24T13:03:00.004-04:00

At Grand Haven with Dad
Great Grandpa isn't used to crying babies!

So big in the bumbo chair & smiling as Sophie nudges his toes...

In just a few days, Jack will be two months old.
Everyone says that time goes so quickly with a baby,

and truly it does.

There are the days that drag by as we get used to our new routine,

and Jack cries enough where I sometimes join him.

But mostly we have settled into our new sense of normal,

and I can hardly believe that summer has come to an end.

Since my last blog, Jack has started to smile and laugh...

we take trips in the car and he stays asleep in his car seat. For this I am so grateful~he travels well.

We even made a trip to the east side of the state to shop at Sommerset & see Aunt Heidi and also to Muskegon to meet Great Grandpa.

And summer would not be complete without a trip to Grand Haven. Although, Jack wasn't too impressed with the beautiful view I'm sure next summer we'll have to drag him home!

I waited forever for this summer to arrive. Now we get to watch the leaves fall and visit apple orchards and watch football, all with our newest addition.

Sigh.

I am not ready for it to get cold,

this is where I really begin to miss California and the constant sun with temps in the 70's...not to mention that out there I wouldn't have to guess at what size winter clothes to buy for our little chunky monkey:)

Who happens to have his two month doctor visit in just a week,

we might have to have a contest to see what he weighs in at!

One Month Old!

2010-08-27T10:03:00.005-04:00

Jack Jack...

You are one month old today. Time has gone so quickly since you arrived. Our time is measured in holding you, feedings and diaper changes.

So what are you up to these days?

You are growing so fast and changing every single day. Just when we think we have something figured out about you...you go and change!

You LOVE to eat and when that isn't an option you almost always require a paci...and if it happens to fall out of your mouth you make a serious of strange grunts or a high pitched scream, which I hate to say it, but you really do sound like a girl.

And then there is swaddling~it is a must. Once you are swaddled nice and tight you will drift off to sleep, but only if someone is holding you. And no matter how tightly we bundle you up, you always manage to get your left arm out.

You HATE to have your diaper changed. We have learned to go as quickly as possible since you scream as if we putting you through a torture session.

Just in the last week or so you have begun to really look at us. It is so much fun to watch your different facial expressions. And we've even been lucky to get a few smiles from you...an event that brought tears to my eyes. You are such a cutie.

Each day is an adventure with you and as tired as we have been this last month we are enjoying each moment with you...because we have waited so long for this.

Now just take some longer naps so mommy can blog about you more!!

Picture Dump...

2010-08-04T21:29:00.002-04:00

Here are all the pictures I promised to post...
and thanks to blogger, they are in no particular order
so I will gladly explain just what you are looking at:

Jack swaddled and hanging out in his swing (the best baby invention ever...)

Sporting mommy's favorite outfit and moving like crazy...this is going to be one busy little boy.

Leaving the hospital. YAY!!

Waiting for our nurse to let us leave on Friday. We couldn't wait to get home!

Such a cute face! Hanging out in his "going home" outfit...

This first week with Jack has FLOWN by. We are delirious and tired and giddy and always taking pictures that somehow never seem to turn out. Probably because we are so tired we don't realize that drinking Red Bull and Diet Coke is making us shake (don't worry~ I'm not the one drinking Red Bull) and then our pictures look all fuzzy.

We'll get it together soon.

Actually, even better, we had our favorite photographer over yesterday to take some newborn photos and CAN'T WAIT to see them.

They are going to be awesome...

and we will share them as soon as we get them.

In the meantime, these few pictures will have to do:)

Thanks again to everyone for your well wishes and prayers and overwhelming support~we are truly blessed and so incredibly happy to be home...

and to finally be a family.

Home

2010-07-30T21:04:00.003-04:00

We are home at last...

Its hard to believe our little man is 3 days old already.

He is such a good baby,

and hardly ever cries...

as long as you don't take off his clothes,

or change his diaper:)

He is healthy.

He is perfect...

and we are loving him to pieces.

This week has been a whirlwind and there is much to tell,

many things to share...

and I don't want to forget any of it.

But right now our life is dictated by feedings and diaper changes and when I am allowed to take my next pain pill:)

And although my feet are swollen so much that I think they might pop if I actually walk on them...

I have never been happier.

We feel so blessed...

More to come soon as things settle down and I can think clearly after some much needed rest.

And I also promise more pictures to come soon....

Lots more:)

Jack Liam is here!!!

2010-07-27T18:08:00.002-04:00

Suddenly our world is in color again- Introducing Jack Liam- 8lbs 6oz 20.5" long- both Julie & Jack are safe and sound- More to come soon---

Almost there...

2010-07-26T20:29:00.004-04:00

In less than 24 hours, Jack will be here.

All the months of waiting,

the weeks of shots and doctor's visits...

well, I get to see just how much it was all worth the wait.

My phone and email has been busy all day with exclamations from friends and family of

"Aren't you SO EXCITED?!"

I have to confess that I am not.

I am scared...and anxious...

in many ways I am just scared to get excited.

The hospital and operating room and recovery room...

they hold very bad memories for me.

Nothing pleasant,

nothing comforting.

Tomorrow, when I walk through the doors of the ER to go to the birthing center,

I will be facing those ghosts head on.

Memories are triggered by strange things:

smells, sights and feelings.

That hospital holds them all.

I will not be excited until I see him with my own eyes and hear his cry pierce the air.

Until then, I am going to be a wreck...

especially waiting in that cold room they put you in before heading for surgery.

It is quiet, cold and I know that I will be shaking.

Praying and shaking.

The shaking will continue until they numb me

and I physically am unable to do it anymore...

Tim feels the same way.

I guess we have been trained that way.

Days before Tim would return from Iraq,

people would ask the same thing:

"Aren't you so excited for him to come home?!"

No, not until he was in my arms.

Too many things can happen.

I saw the things that could happen...days, even hours, before a Marine was supposed to come home...

Not many people see those bad things.

Unfortunately, we lost that luxury years ago.

We saw things that I am glad most people don't have to think about

don't have to see.

Ignorance is bliss.

I am not ignorant about tomorrow,

and its not that I think anything bad will happen.

I just want to see this baby come into the world healthy and screaming...

and I want everything to go as it should.

I want that happy ending that so many people have been able to have...

the one that we were hoping for with Will.

I have faith that things will go well,

that I will be wheeled into recovery with a baby tomorrow.

It will be such a blessing to be surrounded by family and friends

as welcome happiness into our lives again.

And in a few days, we'll walk through the door of our house

as a family.

Finally, a family...

so bittersweet.

And for all those that have asked, I finally managed to get pics of the finished nursery up. As you can see the elephant gray is no more:)

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers...

we're almost there...

the waiting game

2010-07-22T09:18:00.002-04:00

Everything is done,

or at least...

I think it is.

We don't have any future plans,

other than having to drive to the hospital soon.

And I am as ready as I will ever be.

I'm anxious and excited and scared and in disbelief that the time has come...

and now that I have reached 38 weeks

I am also very impatient.

All these precautions were taken so Jack wouldn't come early...

now he just wants to hang out in there.

I had my last appointment yesterday,

and left knowing this kid is going to be big.

I just can't wait to finally see and hold him.

It seems like we've been waiting forever,

and in some ways we really have.

So, now all I can do is sit here and wait.

And hope that maybe he wants to come out before Tuesday,

just to stir things up a bit...

Two years...

2010-07-15T12:58:00.007-04:00

This week has been a roller coaster.

With what would have been Will's 2nd birthday quickly approaching on Saturday,

it is once again that time of year where we have been reflecting.

The question has been tossed around, "What do you want to do for Will's birthday?"

There is no answer.

There is no grave site to visit. Our baby is still here with us. His ashes are in a small heart shaped urn that most would mistakenly take for a paperweight.

It just wasn't in us to bury him...

And then if we had and we were ever to move...

I know we couldn't have left him here.

So he remains in our bedroom,

silently still a part of our every day lives.

The way it should be.

But on days like his birthday or anytime I want to do something special,

I am left wondering just what to do.

It never gets any easier,

and this year is complicated.

We are so ready for our 2nd son.

And yesterday when I started having some random, slightly painful contractions

I kind of got anxious.

What if this baby is born on one of the two days I really don't him to be?

July 17th & 19th.

The day Will was born and then the day he died.

Those days are the only 2 in an entire year, that I really have a problem with.

I want this child to have his own day.

I want to be able to grieve Will on those days...

and not have to explain to my new son why mommy is both happy and sad if his birthday happens to fall then also.

But again, its not up to me.

A lot of people say, "Oh that would be special!"

I really don't believe so.

And instead of lying to make it seem better, I have to wonder if it was their family if they would feel the same...

Maybe if they were born on the same day, perhaps.

But I do not want this child to have to share a day with his brother's death.

Like I said, its complicated.

My body naturally knows that something is amiss right now.

It has been months since I woke up crying...

and I have moved past counting the weeks since I last held Will

to now counting the weeks until I will hold our 2nd baby.

Time changes some things,

but not all.

My motherly instinct leaves me crying more the last few days,

missing Will in ways that are hard to put into words.

Sure I'm happier than I have ever been in a long time.

But there is still that sadness.

And honestly, I believe there always will be to some extent.

In naming this baby, we had such a difficult time.

But we have finally decided.

And like everything else, there is a story behind it.

Its something I never really shared,

but to understand, it must be told.

Names are hard for me,

this is partly because I am a teacher.

And teachers have a hard time finding names because they associate nearly every name ever thought of with a student they either had, knew, or heard about in the teacher's lounge...

that is just the way it is:)

It comes with the territory.

Combine this with the fact that boy names are thus even harder for us,

when we became pregnant with Will we had one solid boy name we loved.

And so we casually tossed around other names,

but always seemed to come back to the "one".

Until all hell broke loose two years ago in March.

Suddenly we were faced with a new decision that left us feeling sick and guilty and all sorts of other unpleasant feelings...

this baby wasn't going to live.

Do we still use our favorite name?

And the thing was, we felt guilty for even thinking this in our heads,

let alone questioning it aloud.

But we did question it,

because suddenly the name didn't seem right anymore.

Our first son needed a strong name.

A strong name because we wanted him to fight,

to prove everyone wrong...

and to live.

So we name him William James.

His first name after two people:

my grandfather who had fought in WWII and was a prisoner of war in Siberia for many years... and also a Capt. in the Marines that Tim had served with who was killed in Iraq...

His second name is also after two people:

This would be the only son of ours to share Tim's middle name, and yet again for another Capt. killed in Iraq.

And it just fit.

And he proved to be a fighter,

just like the men he was named after...

How do you choose another "perfect" name?

That has been our dilemma.

When I found out we were having another boy,

my first response that we were NOT going to name him what we had planned originally for Will.

It didn't seem fair.

In fact, I didn't overcome my guilt until one night the topic of choosing names for children came up at support group.

It turns out that a lot of parents felt the same...

and not only that,

they did the same thing too.

They didn't use a favorite or first choice name,

not because they didn't want their dying child to have it,

but because it just didn't fit under the new circumstances.

Now, I feel differently.

I absolutely love Will's name still to this day.

And we are going to honor Will, yet make sure our new son has his own identity.

His name is Jack Liam.

After all, he is still a part of this story that continues to be...

and even though Will died two years before his birth,

they are connected in so many ways.

And besides, we think its a perfect name for a little brother...

July is flying!

2010-07-12T13:12:00.001-04:00

I honestly don't know where the time has gone.

4th of July weekend was supposed to be full of "down time",

with plenty of opportunities to catch up on blogging.

Obviously, that did not happen.

But we did have time to do some other things...

like finish the baby room (pictures to come), catch the new Twilight movie,

make cupcakes, and most importantly take lots of naps:)

As far as how things have really been going,

I have felt pretty good.

Except for this weather we have been having...

This has got to be the most muggy, humid and unbearably HOT summer in Michigan that I can ever remember...

and its really sucked.

Our air conditioning has been cranked since early June with only a few days off the week before July 4th when we had gorgeous "California" weather.

It makes me want to move back.

Along with the extended heat and humidity,

I suddenly began to swell up.

Kind of bad...

Then last week the headaches started.

Nothing major, just a dull ache in the front of my head which is unusual for me.

So I was concerned it could be something...

and after talking with my friends (who also are great nurses in the labor & delivery field)

it turns out that nothing is really going on.

Some were concerned it could be a condition called preeclampsia,

but after some good old drugs and more rest the endless headache began to diminish.

The last few days have been normal again as far as no headaches and no swelling,

but then again, its no longer 95 with unbearable humidity.

I can handle dry heat, its the humidity that is really starting to get to me.

Our AC is still going strong, thanks to the stuffy sticky air,

but I guess that is just the price we will have to pay for the time being.

I just miss nice, cool fresh air blowing through my house...

Its hard to believe that I only have two more doctor's visits,

then 2 weeks from tomorrow is my scheduled c-section.

I am getting nervous and anxious.

Secretly, I would love to start having contractions and just go to the hospital without any planning or anxiety being involved.

This week marks a full term pregnancy.

Can you even believe it??

I almost can't...

the end is nearly in sight,

then we begin yet another new and exciting chapter...

Shower pics

2010-06-30T08:26:00.007-04:00

Where did June go?!

I remember the week before Thanksgiving when I found out that I was pregnant,

and in trying to figure out my due date before seeing the doctor...when I saw the month of July pop into the calculator online I thought that seemed like FOREVER away.

"If I can just make it to June..." I remember thinking.

Well, surprise, I have actually made it further this time-Hooray!

And its a sure sign to my body just how much further I have come with baby #2.

Because I AM HUGE.

But I also don't really care:)

That is...until I see myself in a picture.

And then its utterly disturbing, to realize just what I look like to everyone else.

But regardless, I'll be a good sport and share some pictures from the baby shower that my friends and step-sis put on for me in early June...even though I can't believe what I am seeing sometimes.

There are a few more pictures coming...

but blogger is messing them up again,

and I only have so much patience nowadays:)

But the baby showers are now done,

and July will be about getting his room ready, making last minute purchases on necessary baby items and relaxing until little man makes his debut.

My c-section is scheduled for the 27th,

part of me wishes that he might come a bit earlier, on his own time.

Its so strange to think of waking up on the 27th and having a baby by appointment,

kind of like going to the dentist.

Strange.

But after everything that has come before this,

I'll take it:)

What's in a name?

2010-06-17T08:58:00.006-04:00

I'm thinking a lot about Will today,

he would have been 23 months old.

Only a month away from it being two years,

and also only a month away from having a new baby...

my mind has been heavy with lots of thoughts.

There are some days in which I still struggle,

with concerns that only a mother who has lost a baby can understand.

Is this baby going to look like Will?

Will the birth be happy, or will we miss him even more?

Either way, I am ready for change...

ready to have this new little guy in my arms.

And so we have been playing the name game for many weeks now.

Will's name evolved pretty quickly,

so its unlike Tim & I to be so indecisive.

But this one is hard.

So, only a few weeks away and still no definite name~

we have narrowed down a few, but I am guessing we will firmly decide once we see his little face...

after all, the name has to fit!

But in the meantime, time has been flying.

There have been some baby showers, and a flurry of last minute "to do's" before July hits...

Its still surreal that we have made it this far,

its exciting and scary at the same time.

We were sitting together the other night,

and it suddenly hit me...

"Holy crap, this is actually happening this time."

We've been waiting years.

And there were many times after Will's death when I actually thought this day would never come...

but things change.

And this change has been a really long time in coming.

Thankfulness and a mix of other emotions are setting in.

This is so much more complicated than simply a "new baby,"

there are so many other aspects rolled into this moment in our lives.

At this point, I have resorted back to my

"one day at a time" mentality.

And so I am enjoying the pregnancy brain, the sore legs, and all the other things most people complain about...I am enjoying each day as it comes, knowing it is my own personal miracle...

and also knowing that soon this time will be over and we will look back and wonder where the days went.

32 weeks

2010-06-10T08:59:00.012-04:00

Taking a break while putting together the crib.

After the paint job...and the infamous "elephant gray"

Before the transformation...but blogger wouldn't let me place this picture first (of course!)

So much has been going on around here,
its been hard to keep up.

I have not written a blog,

or even had time to really read any other blogs for that matter...

We have been busy getting ready for this baby.

And this has been such a great thing...

This last week marked 32 weeks.

Yes, 32 weeks.

I have to repeat it because sometimes I still don't believe I made it this far.

This is the gestational time that I gave birth to Will,

so its also hard to believe that when I see my stomach roll and change form

it means there is yet another little person in there who is even a little bigger than Will was when he was born.

I feel like I am carrying a miracle.

Just in the last month I feel like I can relax a little bit.

Enjoyment in the process is taking form.

My mom and the neighbors hosted a baby shower for me last week.

Again, a wonderful but surreal experience.

The next day, we put together baby furniture.

This furniture had been purchased years ago, while we lived in CA.

Its been moved and shaken so much, the boxes were being held together with tape.

Yet, somehow despite all the moves and rough handling the furniture remained perfect and it looks beautiful.

How can something so damaged on the outside still turn out nearly perfect??

I have no idea...

Then there is the nursery paint...

My dad volunteered to paint the walls a gorgeous color we found from Pottery Barn Kids called Elephant Gray.

Who knew elephants could also be purple or maybe even a shade of lavender??

The paint job looks fantastic, and if we were having a girl I would be smitten with this elephant gray...however, its not exactly the look we are going for with boy #2 on the way.

It actually didn't look purple until the sun hit the room the next day and we put the finished furniture next to the wall with all of the cute blue bedding we had.

Go figure.

And so putting together the nursery will have to wait a few more weeks until we can get the proper color on the walls.

But all these things; showers, putting furniture together and painting...

mark the beginning of something I thought might never happen.

As we make all the preparations I am constantly giving thanks.

It has been an extremely long road,

but having faith and being patient has paid off.

Although, I must admit that I was not so patient putting together the changing table...

especially when all the pieces fell on the garage floor.

Tim has become a pro at navigating my various pregnancy hormone fits that seem to come more frequently in the past few weeks:)

But with all these changes taking place

there is a huge transformation taking over this house...

both in the physical structure and in us.

And all I can say is that it is about time:)

But just like the room, its a work in progress...

but at least now, I'm beginning to see just what kind of progress we are making

and I am so, so thankful.

Last big appointment!

2010-05-27T16:47:00.003-04:00

Its shocking to write 2 posts in one day...

but I had to share.

Today we had our last appointment with the high risk doctors.

They have officially cut me loose back to my "normal" doctor

and I have no further appointments with them.

YAY!

Everything looks good,

and he is measuring about 3 lbs 8 oz.

Its amazing how far technology has come in the past couple of years

and how we have been able to see so much just from one little ultrasound.

We didn't get the best pictures today,

but they were a huge improvement from last time.

He is currently breech.

The last appointment he was head down with an arm and a foot in front of his face (see black & white pic), so...

this time I am content that we at least got an idea of what his face looks like.

But he was all over the place,

and that arm...still over his face.

So while I love looking at the 3D pictures, I know he probably won't look a whole lot like that in another 8-10 weeks.

But we are thrilled with the good news.

My c-section is scheduled for July 27th...

but if that actually goes according to plan,

I will be utterly shocked.

So here is to another two months of a completely boring and uneventful pregnancy! :)

30 weeks and counting...

2010-05-27T08:22:00.003-04:00

Where in the world has the time gone?

That is the question of the month for me.

As I stare at half a dozen blog posts that I started,

then never actually posted...

I am again reminded how important it is for me to still write.

Because I don't want to forget this.

I don't want to forget what a great (but VERY busy!) month May has been,

and that I survived my 2nd Mother's Day without Will with much more grace and dignity than the year before...that this May has not been a low point in my life like the last...and that I had a birthday this week but DID NOT have a nervous breakdown...

We're making huge progress, people.

I am finally able to breathe a little deeper now that we have reached the 30 week mark.

Can you believe it?

I almost can not.

It seems surreal at times,

because honestly there were so many dark days in the last two years in which I actually let the negative thoughts creep in...that something like this just wasn't in God's plan for me.

And as my sister began asking about baby showers and dates back in March and April,

I completely and utterly blew her off.

Because I kept waiting for something to happen.

A baby shower for me??

I'd be lying if I said the word "NEVER" didn't cross my mind.

Today is May 27th...

two years ago on May 26th, the day after my 29th birthday I walked into the hospital for a very long 7 week stay.

I can't believe its been two years.

At the time, I was 25 weeks along with Will.

This time, I am 30 weeks and things are completely different.

I can't imagine this baby being born at the same gestational age as Will...

only 2 weeks from now??

No. This time I am in it for the long stretch.

And in realizing that things are different this time,

I allowed my family to plan that baby shower.

Again, Surreal.

But allowing myself to feel excited again is a somewhat strange feeling.

Only to me, its not about what normal showers usually are...

for me, this is a full on celebration.

I think a lot of other people feel the same:)

Now if only I could merge my two home states,

Michigan & California for one day...

that would be so nice.

Because this celebration doesn't seem complete without so many that have been the distance with us...and have not the let the physical distance matter in any way.

Awhile back, in support group, we heard many couples referring to their child born after their loss...

their rainbow baby.

I thought it was a cute "label" but didn't use it much,

since others that had never heard of it made ignorant and not so funny comments...

But this baby...

is definitely our rainbow child.

Its taken lots of stormy and dark days,

along with countless tears and rain...

but it makes this particular rainbow

just that much more beautiful.

photo session

2010-05-06T20:57:00.007-04:00

Over a month ago

we had a photo session and I finally have a few of the pictures to share...

I'm happy with the way they turned out,

and the entire time we were there

I just kept thinking to myself how blessed I was that this was finally happening.

And suddenly, its over a month and half later...

and soon we will be thinking about different pictures.

Family pictures with our newborn son.

There is not one day that passes in which I take this for granted...

and I must admit that I go to sleep every night thanking God for the newest revelation in my life...

the return of peace and near happiness.

It has eluded me for years...

and I am grateful to have it back.

Having these pictures is something we never got to do with Will,

so I am making sure I do things different this time.

And when I looked at these photos,

I saw something I haven't seen in either of us in a really long time.

A small piece of who we used to be...

Finally...a baby update

2010-04-27T13:54:00.001-04:00

I had all these great plans to blog this month

(because plenty happened)

and then all the sudden I woke up and April is nearly over.

So in an attempt to catch up,

I'm doing a baby update first and then maybe later I'll actually get around to finishing all those half written posts I have piling up in my blog account.

Today I had another appointment with one of the high risk doctors I have been seeing.

I have been going every 2 weeks for certain measurements,

but today they measured our little man...

who really isn't all that little.

I was assured he is in the top percentile for growth and was told he is completely "normal" and we have genetics to thank for his size and weight which is officially over 2 lbs.

This shocked me because at 32 weeks, Will measured in at a bruising 3 1/2 lbs....so it'll be interesting to see where this guy ends up.

And even though I am 26 weeks tomorrow, our baby is measuring more at the 27 week mark which makes me want to jump for joy.

He has been moving a ton lately, much to my delight...

and often times we will be laying and watching a movie and I can't help but bust out laughing.

Because it feels so weird,

and I am just enjoying every minute of it.

Of course, during the ultrasound today he was moving around,

But not in a cooperative sort of way.

The only good picture is the one posted above,

because this baby loves to rub his face and keep his arms strategically placed in front of his head.

I think he wants to surprise us.

But the most important thing is that this pregnancy is going good.

Fluid is normal,

growth is good and unlike at this time with Will

I am not in the hospital on bed rest.

What a huge blessing.

New background...

2010-04-08T21:02:00.003-04:00

Yes, I know...
this blog looks all jacked up.
I'm working on it, but it (like everything else I set my mind to lately)
ended up being a much bigger job than I had earlier anticipated.
I'm working on fixing it to be pretty (spring cleaning for my blog perhaps?),
and will post more soon.

But for now I am tired,
and I can't figure out how to make my banner look good...
amongst other things.
And now I hear Sophie throwing up in the other room.
I think I'll let Tim get that one...
Should have known,
I swear she knows that today it is the first time the hard wood floor has been mopped in over 6 months.
How awesome of her to let it be clean for a whole 6 hours.

I'm signing off for today and promise that things are going well (aside from my dog putting me over the edge).
And there will be an Easter in Chicago post coming soon.

photo session...

2010-04-03T18:27:00.000-04:00

This week the weather has been absolutely beautiful...

so beautiful that I didn't waste away my days dreaming of California.

I can actually handle everything...

and then I remember why I was so productive in SoCal,

because sun+warm = motivation & happiness.

I'll take it.

On Tuesday,

I picked up Tim from work and we got to do something we have been dreaming of for some time.

I regret not getting any professional pictures done in CA.

The scenery is awesome...

not to mention that we looked a whole lot younger and fresh (given that life hadn't beaten us up too badly...yet!)

But God works in mysterious ways.

The night Will died, the hospital called a volunteer photographer who came and gave us the most priceless gift.

And we knew from that night, we wanted Steve to photograph us again when the time was right...

so finally, after months (okay, almost years)

of waiting, I was finally able to call him up to schedule a maternity session.

We had a blast.

And the miracle was that our West Michigan weather totally cooperated.

And I had all these things I wanted to write about,

but I think the pictures speak for themselves...

once again.

It was as Tim had said, "We went full circle..."

Steve was there the night Will died,

he captured our most dark and vulnerable moment.

It felt incredible to have him photograph us now,

only this time with hope again in our eyes.

Please, visit his blog and read about our session.

Visit this link.

There are also some pictures posted,

I am eager to hear any comments!

As long as they are good:)

Because I was my own harshest critic,

asking if he could photo shop away my muffin tops.

Ha.

His only reply was to shout, "You're pregnant!"

Um, so I guess that is a no...

It doesn't matter.

These capture the moment.

What a huge blessing.

Steve was brought into our lives at the hardest moment,

now we look forward to him being there to document all the wonderful and exciting ones to come...

The lack of exercise...

2010-03-30T20:59:00.001-04:00

This morning as I was putting on my makeup,

I suddenly realized that I was heading to the doctor

and it didn't even cross my mind not to wear mascara.

It was one of those things that changed as soon as we got Will's diagnosis...

I just stopped wearing eye makeup because every time I went to the doctor,

I cried.

And never mind wearing anything like that for months after he died...

But somewhere between all that and then right now,

I have learned to live again.

And I gladly put on mascara this morning,

a sign that things were...and are changing...

The doctor visit went fine.

Nothing new to report.

Sadly, my favorite ultrasound tech was not there,

so I didn't get hooked up with any sweet 3D images again.

But I am going back in 2 weeks and am not leaving without some sort of picture:)

Today, I was just so thankful to have a normal visit.

However, I did leave with something pretty great...

My own personal version of a lottery ticket.

It is worth some money, but only to me.

I am now the proud owner of a doctor's note...

that freezes my gym membership.

Yes.

I am officially relieved of any exercise or as the marines call it: PT,

or guilt associated with not going.

And I couldn't be more thrilled.

I literally danced downt the hall at the office, waving the note in my hand to my nurse friends...

For those of you that know me, this is funny. (and probably a little sad)

Being married to a Marine, means that we are a physically fit family.

And there is no such thing as not feeling well, or skipping out on working out...

I still remember being pregnant with Will,

living in CA before anything was amiss and being guilted into going to base to work out.

I went for Tim.

Really I went just so he would stop bugging me...

But being in the first trimester, as we drove I began to feel sick.

As we pulled up to the gym, I begged him to stop by the PX so I could get a snack.

I ran inside,

and grabbed a very nutritious snack.

The only thing that sounded good to my gurgling stomach:

A Cherry Coke and huge stick of Laughy-Taffy.

Yum.

I was then convinced that I was too sick to actually go inside with Tim.

He scoffed as I pointed out that I still "went TO the gym with him..."

And as my husband ran and worked his little heart out,

I sat in the car with the moon roof open,

relaxing in the warm California sun...drinking pop and eating candy.

And as a platoon of Marines ran by the parking lot,

I felt slightly guilty.

Especially when the Marines in back of the group (that looked like they were going to pass out) eye-balled me sitting in the car being a big fat lazy butt.

But here's the thing,

I really didn't care.

Just like now.

I am careful about what I eat because I don't want to become diabetic again,

and I want what is best for my body and the baby...

but when it comes to staying in shape?

Again, I really don't care.

Its not worth risking anything all over again.

Besides, I can always register for a jogging stroller and burn off those fat rolls...

after the baby is here safe and sound.

So not being able to work out?

I could not be happier:)

Preggy picture

2010-03-26T17:42:00.003-04:00

With this pregnancy,

I'm trying to remember to take pictures and document in ways that I wish I had with Will's pregnancy.

So a few weeks back when I had some friends over,

I asked her to take a few pictures with her awesome camera.

Well...I guess a $1000 camera can't even do me some favors

and so out of a handful of pictures,

I will share one.

And that is only because so many long distance friends have asked...

so this awful picture is for them to see my "baby belly"

But, on Tuesday, Tim and I have a photo session scheduled.

This is special for a number of reasons. The first being its something we always talked about, but never actually have done. The only semi-decent pics we've had taken were our wedding photos, so its long overdue.

And also because we are going to see the photographer that volunteered his time and services to give us the incredible pictures of Will the night he died.

So I don't know what to expect...

but I do hope to get some great pictures that I can happily post here:)

20 weeks

2010-03-18T20:43:00.004-04:00

Imagine this...

when the doctor asked if Tim would mind giving me a

weekly shot of thick progesterone in my hip,

I never thought about what might actually happen.

Seems simple enough, but with my life

I should have known it wouldn't be so simple.

So picture this,

my nurse friend is now my personal medical staff.

The reason being, after much discussion with lots of my "health professional" friends, we decided that despite all our marriage has endured,

having Tim try to give me those shots just might not be in our best interest.

That is, if we want to stay married:)

And I do...

So, now my friend is drawing up the meds and then jabbing the HUGE needle into my backside.

This isn't particularly funny...

unless you know me.

It gets better of course.

Last week it was done in my home after a Tastefully Simple party.

This week we met for dinner at Panera,

then for the sake of time

I crawled into the backseat of my car

and she shot me up with drugs.

Yes, in my car...in a parking lot.

I kept picturing all the worst case scenarios that could happen.

Such as a cop pulling up for dinner,

or a random car pulling into the empty parking spot next to my open car door where my friend stood trying to get the best angle...

or worse yet, some young college kid from one of the many Bible colleges just down the road catching a glimpse and mistaking me

for some drugged out meth-head tweeker.

Brilliant.

The last one is my favorite I think...

its so funny and far from the truth I can't help but laugh out loud.

constant reminders

2010-03-13T09:30:00.007-05:00

In two weeks we will have lived here for two years...

that blows my mind.

Sometimes it seems like forever,

other days it still seems like I just left California.

Will's death is the same way.

Sometimes it seems far away,

other days it is still so fresh.

And then there are the constant reminders...

Yes, we still cry even though things are going well with this baby.

Yes, we still have people that don't acknowledge Will's life...

or that literally say we should be moved on and over it by now...

and now we have been faced with a whole new range of questions that aren't meant to be painful...but they simply are.

Questions like these wage a war within my soul between my heart that wants me to claim Will and my brain that tells me its not worth mentioning that I have a son who is in heaven...

"Is this your first baby?"

"Do you have any other children?"

"How do you know you'll need a c-section?"

Even the simple task of filing our taxes this year, brought a day of tears and anxiety.

It happened when I opened the package from our accountant and saw that he had claimed Will as a dependent...even though last year in a letter we had explained what had happened.

I guess he forgot.

Or he didn't think it was important enough to make himself a note for next year...

Either way, Tim was left with the task of calling him to tell him that our son did die.

Again.

Its not that we mind, I mean talking about Will doesn't bother us in the least...its the thought of making other people feel bad that makes us feel awful.

Because so many people don't know how to react.

And we like to make people laugh, not get that sad look of pity in their eyes...

Which leads me to this story and another conversation in which the other person didn't know how to handle it,

and asked coldly,

"Well, what date did he die?"

"And you told him...of this situation last year already?"

As if this was all our fault...

And my husband cried,

while sitting in his fancy office,

at work...

because this whole thing still isn't easy.

And there are many people that still make it even harder than it should be.

And that just plain sucks.

In the wake of our son dying,

we were swarmed.

I was in a fog.

Yet, we were so alone.

I will never forget coming home to an empty house...

a dirty house that hadn't been lived in for nearly 2 months...

a lawn that needed to be mowed...

a pantry and fridge that were empty...

a closet filled with clothes I could not fit into yet...

and the one thing I remember is a friend,

driving from out of state to bring us bags of groceries.

Such a selfless and kind act that still brings tears to my eyes today.

She never called to ask what we needed,

she just took the initiative and did something.

And to this day I am still so grateful for that simple act of kindness.

Because at the time, the only thing I could think about

was how to simply keep breathing.

Imagine being in so much pain emotionally, that you literally hold your breath without even realizing it...I did it constantly.

Because we hadn't lived here long,

we really didn't have a large support network.

And that was hard.

Three days after being released from the hospital,

Tim pushed me around in a wheelchair at Costco while we purchased

things for Will's memorial at our home.

But I still wonder to this day, why we did that...

why we were alone...

Another friend, came over numerous times that week to help me once Tim went back to work.

In one sitting, we put together Will's entire photo scrapbook.

For hours, we sat there and talked while cutting, gluing and piecing the few mementos I had of his short life into a book.

Another friend's kindness that I am so grateful for.

I've had many people ask me what to do in the wake of losing a child.

They know friends or others going through it,

and they want my advice.

I am happy to help, but since each situation is different,

it is also difficult to say sometimes.

Another blog that I follow addressed this same issue,

and I wanted to share it.

She explains everything so well, I really couldn't put it into better words.

I write about this, because I hope that in some way

by breaking open my pain and spilling it out,

it can somehow help someone else.

That by writing about tough topics, knowledge will form...

people will be educated,

and other parents going through this hell will be better taken care of.

Truthfully, the only reason we survived

was because of the support we received.

I should really say the support that we continually keep receiving...

We are thankful to those sane friends who kept us from going insane.

For those family & friends that have been there for us, long after the death and funeral.

Because they know it doesn't stop there.

Like the friends that came to my house the other night for a Tastefully Simple party...

and ending up staying until everyone else left...

to give me my first shot of progesterone in my butt because I was terrified to have Tim do it.

Those are true friends.

And one took pictures, while the other jammed the needle into my backside...

apologizing the entire time (like it was her fault or something).

I may be brave enough to write about certain things...

but let's face it.

I'm not yet to the point of being comfortable in putting a picture (which has my butt crack showing) on the Internet for the world to see...

but its having friends like that,

and so many others that follow this blog

that offer support and leave comments and offer words of encouragement that help us.

And somewhere, somehow along the way....we have figured how to live again.

3D ultrasound

2010-03-08T18:49:00.007-05:00

Arm by the face.

This shot had us all laughing...what looks like a Michigan mullet hairdo is actually part of the placenta. No crazy George Washington wig for my baby.

Look at all that beautiful amniotic fluid! :)

Today was a day we have been anticipating for a really long time...

and it felt sometimes that it might never come.

But today did arrive and everything with the doctor went smoothly.

And while we are still far away from that special day in July,

we got to see our baby,

and see that everything is good so far.

Thank you to everyone for their well wishes and prayers.

We also got confirmation that we are going to have another boy:)

The high risk doctors are taking every precaution,

because we are still in a risky time.

Being in that office today brought back a lot of memories,

a lot of them not so happy.

But seeing this baby, surrounded by fluid and looking healthy

was a blessing.

Beginning this week I will be getting a shot of hormones,

weekly in my "lower hip"...

courtesy of Tim.

He eagerly jumped at the duty...a little too quickly.

This will hopefully ward off any pre-term labor or other problems.

The funny thing is,

the doctor said most people fight off having to take such a shot.

After what we've been through...

I would gladly get poked once a week,

that actually sounds like the easy part to me...

Now if we could only decide on a name,

that is proving the most difficult.

But I am going to bed so grateful tonight...

Good days

2010-03-04T21:21:00.003-05:00

This week has been a milestone...

not sure if its because the sun has been out 4 days in a row,

or because the temperature actually reached 40...

it may be the fact that I am 18 weeks along today,

or that it is finally March...

but something feels different~

in a good way.

A few months after Will died,

another mom who lost her newborn told me that eventually the pain does dull a bit.

But she was also 5 years into the process,

and I wasn't even 5 months.

I would have to admit that while I do feel differently,

it isn't because I love Will any less or because this whole situation

has gotten "better"...

it really doesn't work that way.

Its because we have a new sense of normal.

We have a routine...

and now we also have a renewed sense of hope with this baby.

A huge and hopefully happy event to look forward to.

During Will's pregnancy, the night of my 18th week marked my

2nd trip to the ER...

my 1st overnight stay in the hospital...

and the 1st time a doctor told me the baby would die.

This time,

I am laying in my own bed.

Healthy and content,

saying prayers of thanks for yet another good day.

And that is all I ever really pray for anymore...

just a really long string...

of really good days.

Sevens

2010-02-25T07:29:00.003-05:00

If I can recall, most people love the number 7.

My step-sister's birthday is 7.7

My friend got married on 7.7

I was always fond of the number 11,

kind of like when a digital clock reads 11:11

yes, I still knock on wood and make a wish.

Cheesy, but true.

Not that I think any number is necessarily lucky or not...

Now though, 7's sometimes get to me.

Will was born on 7.17

and today I am 17 weeks pregnant...

the exact same time in Will's pregnancy when I went to the bathroom at my parents house and knew things would never be the same.

Sevens...

Definitely the brand of my favorite jeans,

but that was always about it.

Now, I swear, every morning when I look at the clock can you guess what time it is?

7:17

Strange.

But not as strange as my inability to post the numerous blogs I have written in February.

Any guesses on how many half-finished thoughts/posts there are?

Oh yes....you guessed it.

Where just all this rambling leave me?

Not quite sure.

Do I post the remaining 6 half-finished blog posts?

Not sure about that either.

The only thing I am sure about,

is that writing still helps with all of this.

"All of this" meaning all the emotions I am experiencing on the roller coaster.

And I need to write more...

and consistently.

So expect to see some changes here,

maybe a little design makeover...

because this whole blogging thing is about to get more serious.

I had a revelation the other night.

Just why do I pour my innermost thoughts and feelings

out into the Internet world for anyone to read?

I certainly didn't start blogging for this reason.

But this is where the path led,

and so I am following it.

I never sought it out,

it just happened...

And that leaves me with a choice:

Either go through all this and keep it bottled up...

a hidden secret like most people.

Or...

put it all out there.

Take a chance and go to where I am being led.

In a hope of healing myself,

but most importantly...

maybe giving someone else hope.

What can I say?

All these 7's are urging me to take a little chance.

A gamble, that maybe things could change.

And that is a chance I have to take.

Lent

2010-02-17T17:07:00.007-05:00

If there has been any sort of trend in my life since Will's death...

it has been the fluctuation of time.

It either goes by in a blur and suddenly much time has passed,

or it drags by.

Lately, it has been like I go to bed and when I wake up...the week is over.

This is a very good thing right now.

I have reached a point where I am trying very hard

to not let being pregnant and the timing of the week I am in,

control my thoughts and actions.

But it isn't that easy.

16 weeks.

At this time with Will, we were moving from CA to MI. And I felt great.

At 17 weeks, things began to go horribly wrong...

and at 18 weeks my water broke and I found myself in the hospital being told my baby would die...which didn't happen until much later and we all know that story.

So...

Its been difficult not to worry.

Which brings me to my thought of the day.

What to give up for lent?

This crossed my mind at the grocery store today,

as I shopped for healthy (low carb-low fat-low processed-low fun) food.

Then I thought, "screw it..." and threw a bag of Easter blow pop suckers into my cart.

I could see how this was going to go.

Everyone seems to give up something food related:

pop, candy, junk food...

but I kind of gave most of that stuff up a really long time ago.

Then I considered giving up lots of different things,

that really weren't realistic: eating out, occasional swearing, the McDonald's drive-thru...

After thinking about each of these, my immediate response was, "Yeah, right."

So, then I came to my idea of letting go or giving up worrying.

It can be done,

and it will be a challenge.

But an even bigger challenge?

How does one even know if they are not worrying...

Sigh.

All I can say is that Easter better hurry up and get here.

Yay for February...

2010-02-02T09:32:00.000-05:00

When I woke up yesterday morning and realized it was no longer January...

I was thrilled.

But today,

its snowing...gross.

This is the time of year, when I am not thrilled to see snow ~ but disgusted.

When we lived in SoCal, January didn't hold the same contempt

as it does now...because honestly, it felt the same as any other of the 11 months out there.

Sunny and perfect.

Groundhog's day...

the term Tim & I referred to explain how every single day felt and looked the same,

to someone who is from the frozen tundra like us.

But now?

I can't stand January.

So I am super glad its February...a short month too.

I am looking at the passing of months as a big deal right now.

In March we have our 3-D ultrasound with Dr. Risky.

And in April the baby is viable.

Which is something I was blissfully unaware of until Will.

In May...it will be warmer...

followed by June.

And my goal is July.

The official due date is Aug. 5th,

however, since I have to have a c-section...

the latest I will be pregnant is until 38 weeks.

I've already done the math,

Will's anniversary days fall real close.

So that is a possibility.

We'll worry about that later.

Until then, I am focusing on February.

Next week, Tim is flying to Jersey for work.

He is nervous to leave me, yet I am quick to remind him that 4 days hardly compares to 2 deployment tours that lasted between 6 and 7 months.

Perspective...hello.

And even when I was in the hospital with Will,

he was forced to go for nearly 2 weeks.

I could have gone into labor any time,

yet they made him go for work.

Looking back, I don't know how we made it through without completely flipping out.

So I guess I can handle a little snow right now...

it makes laying low even easier.

Who wants to go out in the nasty cold and slush?

Not me.

So until winter truly begins to thaw,

I will eat and take naps...and say a prayer of thanks for each uneventful day.

emotions

2010-01-23T09:00:00.005-05:00

This is the last week of my 1st trimester.

With each week that passes, I have a mix of emotions.

On one hand, I am relieved...

at the same time even more terrified.

One more week of invested time...

one more week for this baby to grow bigger.

This time of year, also reminds me of the timing of Will's pregnancy.

And even after those milestone weeks pass,

it won't bring comfort.

I know too many stories...

and that is a constant reminder that there is never a "safe" point in having a baby.

I have let myself begin to imagine just what it must feel like to actually bring a baby home.

To have a c-section and then hear crying...

instead of a doctor's voice telling me it doesn't look good.

What does that feel like?

All I know is pain.

It hampers my heart in feeling joy.

What does it feel like to be wheeled into recovery with your arms full...instead of empty?

I want to know that joy...

but my reservations prevent me from hoping for something that huge.

Its happened once already,

will God keep it from happening again?

I am not brave enough to face these questions alone...

so I pray constantly.

In losing Will, I also lost countless friends.

They were unable to share in my grief.

So I am even more grateful for the strong ones,

that haven't been afraid of me...

Haven't been afraid to see the tears and the hurt...

haven't been afraid to be a friend when I couldn't be one in return.

And its those friends that understand me even now...

They understand that while I am thankful for this baby,

I am also terrified.

And they get that,

they understand why and don't try to reason me out of it.

Someone told me everything would be "fine" the other day.

I kept my mouth shut,

while secretly in my head I pictured jumping over the table between us and slapping them.

My reason?

Obviously they needed a slap from reality...

and last time I checked,

none of us has a crystal ball.

I tend to stay away from well wishes like that (and the people that utter them).

Because they don't help.

Instead, I feel crazy for doubting...

when I need to feel comforted instead.

I know these emotions are justified,

because any person that could have been in that room with us...

on a hot Saturday night in July....as we lived an entire lifetime with our baby in just a few short hours, and then handed him to a nurse...

never to see him again on this earth...

would understand if they truly tried to.

If they dared to...

And its the people that put themselves there.

That allow themselves to feel our pain...

and live their lives better because they know what we have been through,

by cherishing each day with their kids,

and knowing how lucky they are to be pregnant...

and not taking any of it for granted...

the holding and cuddling,

watching their child grow...

the bedtime stories and baths...

everything that I miss doing each day...

Its those people, that give me the hope and strength to wish

and hope

and believe...

that in the end,

its all going to be worth it.

Because they have shared in our sorrow,

and now are eager to share in our joy.

Seeing things...

2010-01-13T19:24:00.002-05:00

Today was my 4th doctor's visit.

On Friday I had my 3rd ultrasound.

I am thankful to say that everything looks good,

and the spotting that happened over a week ago was minimal and has gone away.

Let's hope for good...

we don't need any more of that crap.

At my ultrasound, they were very thorough.

Of course, since this always happens to me,

there was a doctor in training.

I can say that I am patient about things like that,

especially with being a teacher...

but when they are doing an internal ultrasound and moving that thing all over I was about ready to punch someone...

then I saw the baby on the screen.

What a mover!

In a mere 10 days it went from looking like a gummy bear,

to what you see now.

A miracle.

So I momentarily forgot about being tortured,

and focused on the screen.

With each kick, I fell in love.

With each kick I also thought I saw something...

Without taking my eyes off the screen,

I said to the doctor,

"So I know its totally too early to tell what sex the baby is...but, uh...well, I think I am seeing something every time it moves."

The doctor laughed and said,

"Oh, you noticed that? I saw it too."

There was a lump in my throat...

"Are you telling me you think its a freaking boy?!?"

He got serious again...

"Yes, that is what I am thinking. Let me know if that is how it turns out. In all my years I have never seen anything this early on a 10 week ultrasound."

I didn't know whether to be proud or mortified.

Once out of the office, I called Tim.

He just laughed...

"Did you tell them you were married to a Marine?"

Now I love my husband,

but this is just a typical comment that I would normally never repeat to anyone else.

Seriously.

But he does still make me laugh...

We'll find out for sure just who is in there at my 18 week ultrasound

at Dr. Risky's office.

Until then, we have a preview.

Regardless, I am thrilled no matter what the sex is.

I just want a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy.

We have started discussing names,

this is a challenge.

But for right now, we have plenty of nicknames:)

New Year...new hope

2010-01-07T21:09:00.002-05:00

Time is still getting away from me.

I have to keep writing,

things are going so fast and I want to remember this time.

Our New Years Eve was uneventful.

We had a dinner out with my family,

where I stuffed my face with various crappy foods

that I shouldn't be eating.

(Why does everything have to be fried here?!)

Then paid for it later when I couldn't stay awake

at our friends NYE party and had to go home at 10:00.

I'm such a loser.

My time has been spent battling sickness,

severe fatigue...

and hunger pains that come on so strongly that I would willingly take out any poor soul that got between me and whatever food I had to have at that exact moment.

Tim has learned from Will's pregnancy,

not to question my cravings.

He has been wonderful.

And despite being stuck in bed a lot of the time,

I cherish this feeling...

because I know its a good sign.

And so we have survived our first week back to the "grind."

I have taken it easy after having a scare last Sunday.

Its strange how everything with Will has changed me.

Many of these changes are just coming to light.

On Sunday, when my worst fear happened...

I took a step back,

realized that I was doing everything in my power for this baby...

and simply let go.

I am not controlling this,

I am doing my best,

and giving the rest to God.

And to be honest, I am relieved.

The rest of the week went smoothly.

And tomorrow I have yet another appointment with my regular doctor.

They will also do another ultrasound due to the circumstances of earlier this week.

But I am calm,

and taking one day at a time.

That is the only way I know how to live anymore,

and that is fine with me.

Happy 8th Anniversary

2009-12-29T20:39:00.000-05:00

Eight whole years.
Tim asked if I was shocked that we made it 8 years...
or if I was more shocked at how quickly the 8 years went...
and my reply was "both."

He knows I am joking.
And I am.
Despite all that we have done,
all that we have been through...
my marriage is a blessing from God.
And I love my husband more today,
than I did 8 years ago.

Today he took the day off from work (a HUGE deal if you know his work ethic!)
and we spent the day going to the high risk Dr.
Let's just give them the code name, Dr. Risky...
there is a whole team of them,
and they are awesome...
but to keep everyone straight~that is what I will call them.

I also have a regular OB/GYN
whom I will see on a regular basis.
I did not have her with Will,
I had the Dr. Risky team.
They rock.
And walking into that office, with good news this time,
was uplifting.
I know I will be taken care of.

So today when we went,
I got the red carpet treatment in the ultra sound room.
The tech and I had a coffee the month after Will died,
and I adore her.
She was so excited, she popped a disk into their new machine
and got tons of pictures.
Even better...she busted out the 3D equipment
and just went crazy.

But, I am measuring smaller than I had figured.
So, they laughed when I groaned loudly at only being 8 weeks and 4 days.
I'm glad they think its funny...
I don't!
The double digits is a big deal,
and I would have kept my mouth shut for a bit longer.
But then again, what good would it do to keep it a secret anyways?

If anything happens, the world will know about it...
who am I trying to kid?
And besides, I have been sick for what seems like forever,
not complaining (its a huge blessing)
but I guess each day that passes is a small victory for me.
Not sure I could really hide it much longer,
my pale nauseating face pretty much gives it away:)

So, the 3D pictures were slightly funny.
Just a blob that looked like a little gummy bear with bumps where the arms and legs will be.
It almost freaks me out when I see it like that,
makes you realize just what a miracle the entire process is.

Then we heard the heartbeat.
That got me right in the gut,
and for a moment...
I was back in my hospital room, with Will on the monitor.
The nurses would hook me up twice a day for nearly 30 min. or longer,
and his steady heartbeat would put me right to sleep...
that is, if he wasn't hiccuping loudly.
There is just something about hearing that little heart beat,
it chokes me up.

And it makes this whole situation not blissful or thrilling...
but very scary.
Hearing the heartbeat
brings all sorts of painful memories that no one really knows about.
It should be a happy thing,
but going down this road again is another test of faith.

After we had a chat with Dr. Risky,
some various things were discussed.
There is no rhyme or reason why Will's water broke.
They don't know why,
there is nothing that I did or didn't do.
So we will sit tight and let this pregnancy progress.
At least I feel like there is a plan in place,
but this is where I am glad that I have so many people praying for us.

That is the one thing,
I know I can believe in...the power of prayer.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T19:24:00.000-05:00

After years of...

standing in long security lines,

missing flights,

running through airports

and all the other things that happened

which nearly caused me to have a nervous breakdown

trying to get home for Christmas...

I am waking up in my own home,

in my own bed,

and my family is visiting us today.

Awesome.

Truly a Merry Christmas.

Especially with the way I have been feeling for the past few weeks:)

And while we are still missing Will beyond words right now,

this year is more tolerable.

Maybe because we have found hope again...

Maybe because there is a chance we will have truly Merry Christmases in the future.

Maybe because next year, there might actually be a baby here to hug:)

Merry Christmas...

And thank you to all of you who have continually prayed for this.

Remembering

2009-12-19T14:33:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a really long time again.

Not that I don't think about it,

but the things that are happening around me aren't exactly

happy or hope inspiring.

And after all, things are tough right now for a lot of people.

So when even worse things happen,

it hits hard.

The night before Thanksgiving,

I opened an email not knowing what it held.

It was simply a sales ad from a Marine store...

but it also held various other topics.

It held the news that one of Tim's snipers,

Charles Cartwright,

had been killed in Afghanistan on Nov. 7th.

But we didn't find out until later,

and missing his funeral deeply affected us.

I want to write about him, because the last few weeks have been spent remembering him and trying to make sense out it.

And I believe, that to honor these heroes...is to speak of them. To share who they were, and why the loss is staggering.

Out of Tim's snipers, I had a few favorites...

Charlie was for sure one of them.

He was goofy and his smile...

it was the kind that made you smile just by seeing it.

He was a great Marine.

When I opened that email and saw his picture,

all I could do was scream...

it couldn't be him.

The picture above is Tim's platoon in Iraq. Charlie is in the back row without a hat.

I love this picture,

and I laugh because I see the personalities shine through.

I've been extremely blessed to know so many giving

and courageous...and hilariously funny Marines.

Live hard, play hard...

that is what we always said.

Times spent with these guys, were some of the best of my life.

But life is hard when you have to live to see your young friends die.

Wonderful men who chose this life...

and loved it.

I know Cartwright loved what he did.

It doesn't make it any easier.

Because 26 is too young.

And so as Christmas creeps closer,

I think about so many families that are living without.

Without their homes, without their jobs...without a loved one.

And what really breaks my heart, is that now I know the pain that sits in your soul when your child dies before you...

So today, when I got my termination letter for my job...

I was surprised and disappointed,

yet with everything that has happened it takes a heck of a lot more to defeat me nowadays.

Sure I lost my job less than a week before Christmas.

But I find myself not really caring.

Because in the big scheme of things,

it doesn't really matter.

Knowing people like Charlie,

inspire Tim & I to keep our heads up.

I can't help but think back to this fall,

and see the series of events that took place.

Each one acting as a stepping stone to take me to the next.

I just have to have faith,

this this is another one of those stepping stones.

That somehow, it all will fit together for a greater good.

Baby Be Blessed

2009-12-03T21:22:00.003-05:00

Awhile back,

I came across this website.

These dolls are so sweet,

and I wanted one...even long before we knew what Will's story would be.

But it just never materialized.

A few months ago,

a friend emailed.

She wanted to give me one of these dolls.

God works in mysterious ways....

because I had never mentioned wanting one of these dolls to anyone.

So needless to say,

I was absolutely thrilled...

Tonight, when I got home I saw a box on our front steps.

My heart fluttered a bit,

that is how excited I am about getting this doll.

Each of these dolls has a Bible verse patch sewn on front,

under his name I picked to have the following:

"God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;

and there shall be no more death,

neither sorrow, nor crying,

neither shall there be any more pain:

for the former things are passed away."

Revelation 21:4

The pictures of the verse didn't turn out...

but I absolutely love this hand made doll.

Thank you, Megan!

You are the best...

Catch up.

2009-12-02T20:46:00.002-05:00

So...
have you ever gotten so behind at something,
that the sheer thought of "hacking at it" seems to send shudders through your entire being? That would be me when I think of all the partial blog posts I have yet to finish.

I have not forgotten,
or even put it off.
I simply would begin to write about a number of things,
and then something would happen...
and by the time I got back to it,
well,
the moment was gone.
The writing and thoughts were interrupted.
And it just didn't sound or read as well as I wanted it to.

The perfectionist in me is coming back.

What is shocking is that it is December.
Here are the facts:
I have continued my altered diet and lifestyle,
which includes acupuncture, Chinese herbs,
and a totally different diet.
No pop, no caffeine, no coffee...and a whole bunch of other "no's"

However, I am finding myself with more energy.
A better outlook...
and just generally feeling better.

Which is good, because lots has been going on in our house.
I will be writing a more in depth blog soon,
but for the time being,
other things have called.
Like decorating our Christmas tree,
putting lights on Will's tree outside,
cleaning the gutters before it SNOWS,
setting up snow plow service (utterly crucial)
and then that silly Christmas card letter has been nagging me almost as much as this blog.

Always.

2009-11-10T19:53:00.005-05:00

Tonight I am missing you tremendously.

It started out harmless enough...

looking for a family Christmas card.

Then after looking at the picture perfect families,

I am coming to the realization that ours won't ever be.

Because no matter what,

you won't be here to be in it.

There will always be a huge hole in our family.

Always.

Any picture I pick out,

it just isn't right.

You are in our constant thoughts,

still a huge part of this family...

yet there is no picture.

No way to document just how much we think of you...

How much we still ache and love you.

So here we go.

Another heart breaking holiday season.

Others have their kids,

their wish lists...

many have new babies.

All I want is something I can't have...

you.

But instead, I'll pretend to be fine.

So I won't hamper the joy for others.

All the while,

I'll be thinking of you....

like always.

Acu-what?

2009-10-28T17:15:00.006-04:00

Oh, the lengths we will go to.
Or at least...that I will go to.
I'm tired of the way I feel here.
And I want to do something to change it.

Today, I went and had acupuncture done.
And this is a day after I just finished taking my last dose of Clomid.
My body is probably wondering what the hell is going on.
The fertility drugs made me feel awful...
an emotional wreck...
the acupuncture made me feel wonderful.

I'm just praying for a miracle this month.

What made me turn to acupuncture?
I got this book.
And it gave me some more hope,
and even before I read it, I knew that there was nothing wrong with me.
Except that some really tragic things have happened,
and it has reeked havoc on my body and my spirit.

I am not infertile.
Nothing is broken,
except for my heart...
and it must be connected to my uterus.
So I needed to get my Qi (pronounced chee) centered.
And I really feel like it did something today.
I left feeling better than when I came. And the emotional stress I had carried since Monday seemed to finally leave my tensed muscles.

On Monday I went to group and it was hard for a reason that I knew would eventually come.

There was a woman there mourning the death of 2 babies....which were triplets.

And then she told me she had been given one of Will's blankets...

I have been secretly hoping that no one would ever have to get one.

As I tied those memorial messages on each one over a year ago,

it pained me to think of someone else having to go through this hell.

It still does.

And when she told me of the blanket and what it meant to her,

it was as if something had gone full circle.

In my mind, if I could have given those blankets in hopes that 52 babies wouldn't die,

I would have given a million.

But as I laid there today and felt like a freaking pincushion,

something changed.

I have come to the point in grief where I am trying,

really trying,

to overcome this...and heal.

Now, all I can do is be consistent and keep praying.

I want it to work this month so badly.

And also know, that if it doesn't~clomid is not for me.

After going back and reading some old posts from this time last year,

I have come so far.

And for this, I am extremely grateful.

Getting older...

2009-10-26T17:20:00.006-04:00

My little brother turns 24 today.

But he will always seem much younger to me...

He will always be that skinny little kid

that tormented me by sneaking into my room to steal gum,

that harassed all my pretty friends:)

that has always made me laugh with his impeccable timing

and unique sense of humor.

For those that know my family...

it is common knowledge that Eric is hilarious.

And I will never run out of his stories...

his life has only enriched mine.

Sure,

he has gotten older with the years.

But there is something reassuring that with time,

he will be one of the few people that I can always count on to be the same.

He will always be brutally honest,

never fake...

always real...

and his excitement~ authentic.

He has not stopped talking about his birthday since this summer,

in case you didn't know...

its kind of a big deal:)

He thinks that getting 24 dollars in his birthday card makes him rich.

Even better?

It must mean more money if it comes to him in all singles :)

And that is just one simple reason, out of thousands, why I love him so much.

North Cakalaka...

2009-10-16T19:45:00.004-04:00

So last weekend I flew down to Charlotte and picked up our new car.

Everything went better than planned.

Except for the rain.

But given that it was 80 degrees, I decided to overlook that little detail.

After picking up the car,

I checked into the sweet hotel that was practically free

thanks to our collection of Starpoints through SPG.

After a little exploring and a nap,

I jumped in my new ride to meet my longtime friend for some shopping.

We spent Friday night doing what we do best:

shopping for insanely good deals and eating.

There was an amazing sunset, which I tried to take a pic of...

but instead its behind my sunglasses. Brilliant.

Upon arriving back to the hotel,

we opened the door to find a chilled bottle of bubbly.

We were totally surprised.

Along with it, a note from Tim...

Wishing us a fun-filled weekend.

Too sweet. My husband rocks.

Instead of hitting up the packed bar downstairs,

we poured some drinks,

changed into the new sweat pants we both both bought,

along with our cute t-shirts from J.Crew (that we scored for $1.99)

and climbed into our little double beds for some girl talk.

Quite nearly a perfect day.

The next morning I hit the road to drive from Charlotte

to Toledo, Ohio...To break up the trip I rewarded myself

with things like Chick-fil-A (SO wish we had one of those here)

and then onto Starbucks in VA for a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

The drive wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

It still rained of course,

but the fall colors were completely amazing.

I can only imagine what they might have looked like in the sun with a blue sky as the backdrop.

I did have one moment of near insanity while driving a long stretch

of sickness-inducing curved road through the Appalachian Mtns in West Virginia...

Not only was I going nuts driving back and forth between the curves,

then for nearly 2 hours I only had two radio stations...

So without the distraction of music,

I concentrated on going as fast as possible while keeping my chicken sandwich where it belonged.

Many times, I would nearly swerve off the road as I tried to look behind me at the gorgeous view as I slowly climbed the Appalachians.

My pictures don't even come close to doing it justice.

As soon as I crossed into Ohio the temp dropped big time,

and by the time I was home on Sunday,

there was nearly a 50 degree difference.

The best thing about the car?

It has a heated steering wheel and seats...

something I have used every single day~HA!

It was a fun trip.

I loved Charlotte and wished that Tim could have gone too,

it is great to explore new areas together.

The only thing that really threw me?

That southern accent:)

National Day of Remembrance...

2009-10-15T22:38:00.003-04:00

Another year already.

Last October was my first knowledge of this "holiday".

Or should I say, my first true understanding of it.

Again, when I woke up this morning

I was intensely sad...unable to start the mindless yo-yo again.

While Tim got ready, all I could do was lay in bed.

All I could do was cry.

And the real point is, my brain didn't register that today was the National Day of Remembrance,

because to my heart?

Every day still is.

And all day long, I kept thinking...

And how much sweeter it would be if Will were here.

How much different it would be if he were here...

But he's not.

And then when I realized what today was...

I cut myself some slack.

And let myself fully miss him,

because so often it causes so much pain,

that I block out what I loved most...

his beautiful face,

his sweet new baby smell...

the way it felt to hold him after fighting so hard to keep him here.

Then later today,

another fail: definitely not pregnant.

But what else do we do?

I can't lay in bed forever.

We must get up, go to work, find a sense of purpose regardless.

And still there are days like today,

when I look at his picture and truly still can't believe all the hell we went through.

It makes me sick.

And it takes all I have to simply...

get up,

pray for peace...

get dressed to face the day,

and remember to breathe.

A new baby could never and won't ever replace him,

but its a much needed blessing that our family needs.

It just seems so long overdue.

Dreams & reality...

2009-10-08T07:11:00.006-04:00

It has been so busy lately.

Now I know that God knew just what he was doing when he put this specific job in my path. Its only 2 days a week, but with planning, meetings, and other sub days I feel like my life has been one of those cartoons where it shows the old style calendar pages flying off the wall and blowing away.

The days have been blowing away...
And so I am getting used to trying to be normal again,
which is actually very hard after so many major changes.
But things are going okay.

But I get constant reminders that other's lives are quickly progressing as well, and then it seems like my life is going way too slow.
Still no baby...Still, we are waiting.

And I would be lying if I wrote that it didn't bother me. I'm sick of waiting, sick of feeling like a bad person when in my heart when I pray and all I can mutter sometimes is..."When will it be our turn?"

Yes, it is the last month before I try a drug to increase our chances. But I don't even want to think about that. There have been consultations and tests, yet nothing to say why its taking so long. So we wait. And we are tired.

And as we wait out these final days, I go from extremes. One day I hardly give it a thought, then the next I am fighting an urge that it won't ever happen for us. Thoughts of adoption to surrogates goes through my head. At times, the battle to stay positive seems like an endless ocean...yet every day I continue to hold onto some mysterious shred of hope..that one day soon, things will change.

And it will happen. Even thought I am sick of waiting.

But in other areas...Some other things are changing.
We are getting a new car.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal,
but in true Julie fashion~there is a great story behind it all.

Cars hold a special place for Tim and I.
Because life changing events have unfolded around ours...
Tim's car was bought the day after he returned home from Iraq.
I remember sitting in the dealership, worried that he was going to fall over from exhaustion.
He was on Iraq time, and yet we HAD to buy a car that day.
So his Jeep has been a trustworthy vehicle,
loaded with histories and memories of Camp Pendleton,
driving all over L.A.,
dropping him off for his 2nd tour in Iraq...
sitting there in the early morning,
watching him walk away and wondering if it would be the last time I would see him,
and lastly, me driving it across the country on my way back home.
Actually, Will and I sitting there for many days...
allowing me time to think about how great it all was going to be.
How great it was all supposed to be...
that disappointment is finally beginning to dull.

As the miles piled up on that car, so did the memories.
Now, its time for something else.
So when we started "sort of" looking it wasn't a big deal.
But of course, something showed up...
because we weren't planning on it.
Those of you that know me are going to laugh:
We bought a car on EBay.

Yes. Ebay.
My friends in CA know I buy everything from there.
My nurses and doctors watched me buy things (and sell too)
as I was laying in my hospital bed.
I love eBay.

So tomorrow, I will fly down to the dirty south (NC)
and pick up the car.
My girlfriend is meeting me for a girl's night in Charlotte.
I can't wait.
And I say "why not?"
I might as well live it up,
life is too short...so stay tuned for some pics.

What is that?
Oh its 80 degrees and sunny down there?
You mean I have to leave the rain and frigid temps?
Darn it:)
Perhaps I'll just stay down there.

Day "5"

2009-10-03T17:00:00.001-04:00

Current wonderful things in my life...

I love the season of fall,
it is the one time of year when I love the cooler weather...
the leaves starting to change,
the clouds,
the comfort of staying in my home on a wretched-weather of a day.

Our home is peaceful,
the deer and animals are out back...
sometimes I feel like looking out my huge back window is some sort of strange nature exhibit, who knows what I'll see.

I have a wonderful husband,
who works harder than anyone else I know.
We keep each other in check and accountable,
making sure we bring our best to the table each day...
best of all,
he still makes me laugh...a lot.
We've been through more than most people endure in a lifetime,
I can't imagine anyone else standing by my side to face it.

Quite possibly, we have the best dog that God ever created...
she is never allowed to die.

There are lots of great things:
family, friends, teaching...
but also things that are not tangible:
faith & hope.
I guess the most notable thing right now,
is that for the first time in awhile...
I am once again happy to be me.
That is a hugely wonderful thing.

Day: I lost count...

2009-10-01T19:43:00.001-04:00

The rain is coming down,
with the cool fall wind blowing outside.
I am sitting here in my cozy bathrobe with warm coffee...
home from work because I'm sick....
and also, totally content.

Something should be wrong
with being so busy that you actually fall ill.
That the only time a person gets to chill out
is when they are home with the chills and a fever.

But I have been waiting SO LONG
to be busy,
to have a job,
to have a new sense of purpose...
that I am not having a hard time with being sick,
but I am bummed that I had to cancel teaching.

These last few weeks,
I have felt more like myself
than in all the time since moving here.
I am just annoyed that I have not been able to keep up with
the daily gratitude challenge.
But that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it.

Where I left off, the next "assignment" was to write a message of thanks for some of the "negative" things in my life.
In thinking about this, I have mixed emotions...
At one point in my life,
having Tim in the Marines and deployed to Iraq brought up bitterness and longing feelings at what our lives could have been at the time...had he been home, had he not been so busy, had he not been wounded in Fallujah.
But now?
I look back at that time in CA as a great growing period.
A span of time that was probably just as painful for those that loved me,
as it was for both Tim & I.
And yet, enough time has passed that I can look back and see all the good it brought out in us...
suddenly, it is no longer a negative, but a very large positive.

Fast forward 6 years.
Here we are, in our move to Michigan and losing the child we loved more than ourselves.
Obviously, death can be labeled as a current negative thing in my life...and because I associate this loss with the act of moving here, they will always be grouped as one.
And many people are probably to the point of thinking
"It was 15 months ago, get over it already."
But...I know it doesn't work that way.
In due time.
I have learned not to be rushed in this.
Not to ignore it.
Not to let others impact the time my heart needs to grieve.

And today, I am grateful.
Grateful for many things because of the last 16 months. Grateful for many things people take for granted and assume that it is owed to them.
I am walking away from this with many things...
A stronger faith.
A better relationship with my spouse.
A greater appreciation for simple living in every day life.

I have learned to let go.
I am no longer a control freak.
I don't care about the hurtful things others say...
because in the end?
They can judge and then walk away.

Will's shadow and the endless possibilities of his life
will always be part of my existence.
Just as a shadow suddenly appears, so do thoughts of him.

And while I reached the lowest point a year after his death,
I am grateful to know that progress is being made.
Feelings of happiness and contentment find me...
when I watch the sun rise as I drive to work,
as I stand in my beautiful yard and talk with neighbors,
as I am able to spend time with people who helped carry this burden with me...
who never gave up on me...
who allowed me to be sad...
who didn't shy away behind excuses...
who loved me when my sadness was unbearable even to myself...
and who have been my protectors...my cheerleaders....
my friends.
Friends who are here because of the "negative" things.
Friends who I never would have become close with had all my dreams came true.

So, in the end, I have two choices in life.
Become bitter from the negatives...
or become better.
Obviously, you know which one I'm aiming for.

Day 3

2009-09-23T20:50:00.001-04:00

Something I am grateful for today...

Being so busy that I feel shockingly normal again.

Challenge....Day 2

2009-09-22T18:04:00.004-04:00

So on http://www.gratitudechallenge.com/
they give a calendar of ideas to follow.
I'm just going to do the concepts they suggest,
today was a good day but my creativity is
hindered by the fact that I really want to climb into bed and pass out at the moment...

Today, the suggestion is using the alphabet to make a list of things for which I feel grateful for...well, here goes...but this is already harder than it looks, and given that I am slightly delirious, it might turn out kind of odd because I am just going to type the first thing that comes to mind:)

Apples and going to the orchard in the fall.
Blogging. My personal form of therapy. And much more effective than counseling.
Church~I happen to be able to attend one of the coolest churches in the country, Mars Hill.
Dogs, especially my loveable Soph-a-loaf.
Eric my brother with Downs that always keeps me laughing.
Friends & Family
God...If I didn't believe in his grace and love there wouldn't be much point to me.
Husbands. I happen to think mine is one of the best after all we've been through together.
In-n-Out. The best hamburger place. Ever.
Jobs...so thankful for my new position
Kids~I love teaching and am grateful to do something I love.
Laughing....I do it alot, even if other people don't really find it funny. I can find humor in just about any situation.
Marines. Grateful for what they do, who they are, and the memories.
Nice people~no need to say more other than I wish there were more of them.
Obedient children...
Pictures. They are some of my most treasured possessions.
Quiet time...reading, walking, thinking
Random acts of kindness
Seasons changing. Sunny fall days are my favorite.
Traveling. I've been lucky to be able to travel all over the world.
United States. Love this country.
Vacations. Life is too short, take them every chance you get.
Will~grateful for his short time here with us.
Xoxo-hugs and kisses
Yoga~another form of therapy
Zzzzz's...I am grateful for an awesome bed which allows me to sleep like a baby.

Gratitude Challenge

2009-09-21T18:58:00.002-04:00

A challenge.
Found in my inbox, from a company that I love.
So I thought, "why not?"
For the next 21 days I will be giving thanks
and blogging about it.

Accepting this challenge will help me to note
the positives (which there are many)
and I'm sure my blog will not only be more interesting...
but it will leave me feeling more aware of the brighter side of life.

So, more to come.
For the next 21 days I will post words of gratitude,
that is a challenge in itself (the actual writing every day part...not the lack of gratitude)!
Perhaps some of you will want to join me?

Comfort food.

2009-09-14T11:16:00.004-04:00

Last fall, I remember how quickly time went.
Its still going so fast.
Every month, we wait to see if this is "the" month.
Once again...it isn't.
And it is so heartbreaking after all that has happened.
Waiting to have a baby is kind of the same as trying to find work.
You can do everything right and still not get it...which all around sucks.
And everywhere you look, other people have one...so why can't I?

I am grateful to be in a routine now,
me and excessive free time really shouldn't be friends.
As school occupies more of my time now,
work distracts me from thinking too much.
But deep down, the question is still there...
and burns even more with each friend that tells me they are pregnant with such ease.

There have been lots of bumps in the road this month.
And they are so stupid that I just want to throw my hands in the air
and wonder why some aspect of our lives just can't go smoothly.
All the mindless distractions are keeping me from doing
what I really need to do.
Sometimes, I really feel like my faith has been challenged enough
and one of these times it will shatter forever.

I guess you could say I had a bad day today.
We all have them.
How bad was mine?
Bad enough to skip out on spinning class tonight
and instead eat a Nutty Bar (yes, the same thing I tried to sneak and eat while in the hospital with diabetes).
Two packs actually...
enough said.

Good news

2009-08-27T10:23:00.004-04:00

Make sure you are sitting down...
I'm actually going to post some good news.
Sounds crazy,
but I have been waiting to write something actually, truly good for a really long time...

First, I got offered a part time job at a local school district.
Its 2 full days a week (Tues. & Thurs), for the entire school year.
I'll be a Media Specialist.
Once I actually know what this exactly means:
I will let you know.
Given that somewhere around 200 people apply for one job around here
(and there have been only a handful of openings this year with so many cuts and budget problems)
I feel very blessed to have been offered this.
It is perfect for where I am right now...
and I am breathing a little easier for the first time a long time.

Second, is that I had an "infertility" procedure done at the hospital this morning.
Aside from totally crying because you all know how much I love it when people poke and prod at me, and my MOST FAVORITE THING is getting those awesome pelvic exams...
well, it was bound to be a fabulous morning in radiology.
Not to mention simply the feel and smell of that place take me back in time.
So its no surprise that the tears flowed.

They inserted a tube with dye and then took x-rays to make sure the path was clear.
Well, first off...I felt right away as they were digging, that it wasn't.
I was not happy.
The doctor was perplexed as why she couldn't see the liquid.
And I was secretly cursing no one in general
that I even had to be there to begin with.
After a minor setback, which made me glad that I did go through with this...
it was all over.
No problems~no more obvious road blocks.
So we shall see.

My mind is now free from concern,
and we have a green light to proceed.
And if it does happen,
I can't help but think how great my new work schedule will be...
This week has been the kind of week I have waited nearly 18 months for.
So thankful its finally here.

Breaking Point

2009-08-26T10:05:00.002-04:00

August.
No, I haven't written much.
There have been lots of reasons,
and I am finally where I need to be
so that I can really understand why.

Shortly after Will's anniversary,
we had friends out from California.
GREAT TIMES=Total distraction from reality.
After they left I was overcome with such a tense anxiety.
This feeling, truly led me to think that I must be going crazy.
I couldn't stop...
being angry at God,
crying,
obsessing over what I must have done wrong during interviews to always get that rejection,
questioning why in the hell I was getting worse with time and not better.

And finally a great friend,
offered a referral to go and talk with someone.
Because honestly, I could hardly stand myself
or our life...
anymore.
It was that bad.

But suddenly, I had a professional listening to everything,
and telling me that I wasn't crazy,
and that I wasn't even depressed.
No, I didn't suffer from anxiety...
and all the reasons I gave for my bad emotions?
A reason for them all.
And the weight lifted off my shoulders....

I am suffering from severe grief,
which is not the same as depression.
And why has everything started to fall into place?
We were told to read a book.
This is not just any book,
in fact,
I have read a lot of child loss and grieving books and this is totally different.
It is so different and so beneficial that I think every single person should read it.
Because it is not specific to any particular loss,
and has the potential to help recover the biggest of broken hearts.
The Grief Recovery Handbook

In fact, I would love for anyone to read this and
then share with me what they think.
I believe this book is for everyone, it will change the way you look at grief and how we "deal" with it...But more on that later.

In the meantime,
other things have been going on.
I have been dropping of my resume and had a few interviews.
This is really hard.
Waiting has never been a strong point for me.

And while I try to relax,
I also went to the doctor this week.
After some discussion, I am going to the hospital for a procedure tomorrow.
This will allow them to make sure I don't have any scar tissue,
or anything else evident going on...since I can't seem to get pregnant.
I am nervous.
In being proactive, I am wanting to believe it will be good...
however, I am afraid at what they may find.
Please pray that it goes well.

What a month.
The next week has the potential to be significant,
but instead of focusing on things happening that are outside of my control...
I'm going to continue to read that book...and take steps to heal this gaping hole in my heart.

Summer in pictures...

2009-08-16T09:08:00.006-04:00

Just a little of what we have been up to lately...

lots of water,

lots of storms,

lots of happy wags from Sophie's whip of a tail:)

Will's new frame

2009-08-11T14:19:00.005-04:00

Last fall we found this frame,
and knew we had to have it.
So for Will's 1st birthday...
we decided to give ourselves a present
in an attempt to somehow make it hurt a little less.

When it arrived the night before our company from CA arrived,
I quickly unwrapped it...
and it took my breath away.
Too perfect.
I love it...
And every word is true.

Make it stop...

2009-07-28T10:42:00.001-04:00

There has been something heavy on my shoulders,
and it feels like its been a really long time.
The load wasn't dropped all at once,
it was more like one brick at a time...
so that as I slowly started shriveling under the weight,
it wasn't so significant that those around me took any notice.

As these bricks settled on me, one at a time,
I tried so hard to carry the weight...
to not show my weakness,
to not ask for help.
And now, as I finally crumble and fall from the weight of this last year,
and all its bricks,
those around me looked shocked.
That is,
if they even look at all.

These bricks took form after months of an unsure future...
after interviews that led to nothing (including the last one that would have been perfect)...
after trying to make sense of the ruins around me and not finding anything.

However, for some reason God felt the need to put them there.
And as I grapple with this concept,
the heart of who I am,
who I was,
is finally being forever changed by the added weight.

And I feel like I am completely falling a part.
There is no way to answer the questions in my head,
to find reason in any of it at all.
Why did we move here if Will was just going to die?
Why am I still not pregnant?
Why are there so many interviews, yet no job?
Why does God keep ignoring my prayers?

As I type this,
I am crying.
I am extremely let down by our move to Michigan.
This is something I deeply regret.
It has led to our son's death...and to other losses.
All because we tried to do the right thing,
so how does it seem that we are instead being punished.

This is the bottom for me,
where anger at everything finally lashes out,
where I want to scream
but I am just so exhausted from it all.
I simply would like two things that most people take for granted,
in fact,
a lot of people have both and don't realize how blessed they are:
a job and a child.
And I just want to quit...
because this is just so wrong.

Today...

2009-07-24T14:33:00.002-04:00

...I am trying to...

Find the motivation to get out of my pajamas and into the shower...

Pray constantly for peace and patience while I wait for that phone call...

Stretch my pathetic legs out after not "honoring my body" and pushing just a little too much at yoga last night...

Not completely lose my mind...waiting for that phone call...

Get rid of my migraine by popping Excedrin and guzzling as much Diet Coke as possible...

Cuddle in bed with my big, fat 70 lb. lap dog...

Tell myself that I am happy with my current circumstances...

Make some chicken salad and not eat more pizza...

Imagine what might be in store for me in another year...

Go to the bank...

Take as many naps as possible so I won't have to think about my fate or my headache...

Not waste time on facebook...

Thank God in all circumstances, even if the outcome is not what I want...

2009-07-20T11:31:00.003-04:00

Today is a new year of sorts...
This weekend marked one year,
and it was a time where both Tim & I reflected
on everything from our move across the country,
to jobs,
to wanting kids,
to what we think this next year will bring.
Overall, a lot of unknowns...
just the same as this time last year.

Yesterday was challenging
as we relived our last hours with our son
while he was with us on earth.
And today, marks one year that I have been home.
Right around this time, I was discharged...
marking something many people take for granted.
Freedom.

Freedom to walk,
to eat whatever I wanted,
to be outside,
to sleep in my own bed,
and to cry in privacy instead of hiding in the shower...

Right around this time,
we were making that dreaded trip down the hospital hallway
for the last time.
And as I was loaded into the car,
without a baby,
my body broken...
I vowed to survive this.
And I kept repeating this to myself.
I repeated it over and over,
as we had our first meal outside the hospital in 8 weeks.
Then at the funeral home,
where we were left alone to make arrangements.

As I walked into that place,
it was so surreal.
We had only lived here for 4 months
and I was already visiting the mortuary and funeral home,
where I had attended numerous funerals while growing up.
I never thought I would be back here so soon,
and especially not for my own child.
But as I walked in there,
I knew.
Will was there,
I felt it in my soul,
in my body,
in my aching heart.

That kind of aching doesn't really go away,
but I can say
that it is no longer the same piercing pain it was.
Then again,
maybe it is,
I have just learned to live with it.
It is now a piece of who I am.

But I also have a different feeling,
a feeling of survival.
We made it through our first year without him.
Its been ugly and painful,
but here we are.
And we are functioning,
just a little differently than before.

To me,
it is one less year I have to live without part of my heart.
And in some strange way
I feel relief.
One year down...
how many more in still unknown,
but this is a start.
We are no longer at the beginning.
This may sound really strange to some,
but I am sure it has to make sense to a few.

And so here we go.
I figure that the more days that pass from now on,
bring us closer to something good.
Whether its a baby or a job,
we are closer today...
than a year ago today.
That much is for sure.

And another thing I know for sure,
I would not have been able to get this far without the love, prayers and support from so many of you...

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby...

2009-07-17T08:16:00.005-04:00

Happy First Birthday, Will!

Today Daddy & I are celebrating your life, and the miraculous 52 hours we had with you...

You entered our world at 1:59 p.m. on a bright and sunny day. You were a fighter, and to us ~ perfect in every way. You had a piece of each of us built into you...Daddy's forehead and skinny knees, Mommy's mouth and hands, Grandma's toes, and Great-Grandpa's amazingly distinct blue eyes...the only surprise was all that dark hair!

It's hard to imagine what you would look like today, at a year old. We cherish that you will forever be a baby to us. In your short life you only felt love...no one uttered a harsh word or expressed unkindness to you. You only felt the love and prayers of your family and the hospital staff around you...and we will never know the full extent of your story and life on many others in this world. And the number of strangers praying for our family may never be known. But one thing is certain: You were here and you had weight in this world. You were loved and continue to be. And each day we wish you were here and miss you more that we ever thought possible.

We love you 'til the end...Mommy & Daddy

crazy

2009-07-15T19:11:00.002-04:00

My brain in on overload,
so much in fact...
that I find myself taking naps just to stop the chaos in my head.
I am driving myself crazy.

This week since getting back from vacation
has been yet another emotional roller coaster.
Just to summarize:
2 interviews
A trip to the vet for Sophie's tail,
which wasn't moving and the vet said they might have to cut off.
WHAT?!
I totally broke down in the vet office,
not pretty.
After all that, turns out it was just a sprain and she is fine.
Was the whole drama about cutting off her tail really necessary.
We all know the answer to that...
Then on Monday I also started watching a 4 month old baby.
My plans were to begin a daycare here at home,
since I couldn't find a job.
I needed a schedule and some sort
of reliable income.

Silly me thought that I would watch
older children.
Instead I got 2 new babies.
What was I thinking?
I'll tell you.
When I started watching little man this week,
I can tell you that I wasn't thinking.
No wait,
I was thinking that by the time this day actually rolled around,
I would be pregnant.
That didn't happen,
and instead I found that crying myself to sleep was no longer a distant memory.

Please God,
make it stop.

So while I wait to hear about this last interview,
for a perfectly fitting job...
I pray that God hears my endless prayers.
I pray for peace,
and for calm,
and for a reason to get out of bed again.

Watching kids here is not a good idea,
it is too hard.
It brings to many "what would..." questions to mind,
and I have to wonder,
if none of this had happened,
if everything went the way we thought.
What would we be like?
Who would we be?

Because still,
even after a year...
the pain has not dulled
and the memories have not faded.
And still nothing significant has helped bring us up out of this...
at least not enough to know what we will be like...
who we will become now that this experience is woven into who we are.
Because we are still trying to pull ourselves out of the past
and are looking for a reason to bring hope in the present.

Prayer requests...

2009-07-14T20:56:00.002-04:00

Time keeps creeping closer to the days I have been dreading for a really long time. On Friday, Will would have been one...and its a hard thing to imagine~that it has already been a year.

Another month of negative pregnancy tests
is just the latest realization that not a whole lot has changed for us.
Not yet anyways.
When Will passed away,
I didn't care about anything.
I wanted to die right along with him.
The only thing I wanted,
the only thing that gave a ray of hope,
was to be pregnant by the time this anniversary rolled around.
To make it slightly less painful,
to help make it bearable.
Now,
I'm just trying to keep it together...
to not ask why
or wonder how things could be different.

My other daily prayer
has been for a job.
I had a great interview last week,
and was actually surprised
when I got the "thank you but no thank you" email yesterday.
But I still hope that something will turn,
I have to.

The only thing I have left is hope.

So, tomorrow I have one last interview
for a truly perfect position.
A part time teaching job,
teaching my most favorite subjects:
Social Studies & Language Arts.
At the school I attended,
and had my most favorite and inspiring teachers.

To say that I hope this works out is an understatement.
I need this to happen.
For so many reasons...

Pics from CA

2009-07-09T16:32:00.004-04:00

This was one of those vacations that you need a vacation from.

Orange County was busy, crazy...

and tons of fun.

We were occupied nearly every second,

and my challenge was adapting to the time change

and still finding ways to do and see everything and everyone that I wanted.

And overall, as hard as I tried,

it just didn't happen.

I could have stayed out there an extra month and still found things to do.

The best was seeing friends and visiting.

Which takes a lot of energy when you are used to sitting around alone all day.

And not being alone...

being surrounded by friends,

was something that I have needed for a really long time.

We hung out at the beach,

the pool,

got completely fried in the sun,

Tim went to an Angels game (I was busy being sick)...

we ate at our favorite restaraunts.

And we really tried to sit around and do nothing.

But most important is that we had fun...

July 4th was bittersweet,

we were surrounded by friends at their beautiful home.

Watching 3 different fireworks from atop the hill which is their backyard...

It was a far cry from last year,

being alone with Tim,

watching the fireworks from a wheelchair

while Will got the hiccups...

In many ways this year was better,

but in one big way it was not.

But that night,

was really the only time I felt really sad.

I always think its hard to be too depressed

when its 75 and sunny out all the time.

We did get something while we were out there,

a video of Will while he was alive from our friends.

It remains unwatched,

I'm not yet ready to lose that happy feeling from escaping my life for a week.

California chaos...

2009-07-07T21:45:00.003-04:00

Do I have some catching up to do...
we just got back home
and this trip was so insane
I didn't even have a chance to check my email,
until the day before we left.

So never mind blogging about it,
while we were actually there.

It was everything we needed,
and then some.
Can't wait to tell you about it...
that is,
after I get my chaotic thoughts together.

For those of you I didn't get a chance to see,
I am so sorry and sad that there just weren't more hours in the day.
And for those of you I did get to hang out with,
I miss you already!

Stay tuned for the details and photos:)

the last week

2009-06-28T19:37:00.002-04:00

Last week, after having a meltdown...
(Or should I say numerous meltdowns)
Tim threatened to put parental controls on our computers.
No more Facebook
and no more blogs...
except for my own.

Sometimes I look back at it all and wonder
how exactly have I evaded a padded room?
Its not too late I guess.

I'm realizing that hitting rock bottom,
didn't happen last August
or even at Christmas.
I was never guaranteed to start at the bottom
and work my way up a little bit each day since the day I came home from the hospital.
I'm realizing that for me?
Rock bottom has happened many times over the course of the last few months.

The words frustration and disappointment
don't even come close.
I'm mad at my circumstance,
mad at my life,
and even more furious with God.
Yes, in my heart, I scream at Him,
because so many little things could change
and ease this hurt.
But he has been silent.

The thing is,
I know exactly what has brought on this latest crisis.
The lack of anything to do or any job.
Summer was great while I taught,
because I was burned out from the school year.
But I don't need a summer right now,
it is like I have awakened from a deep hibernation.
And I'm starving for a job, a purpose...
and these days of doing nothing
are torture.
So what do I do?
I scope out Facebook and read all these other blogs,
which would be fine if things were fine with me...
but instead it is a constant reminder of how not-normal my life is at the moment...
and I don't need any extra reminders of what I yearn for.
So I have been banished,
at least for now.

On Wednesday we'll be in the O.C.
and while there is lots I want to do,
I am most looking forward to visiting people.
To having conversations...
Because as much as I talk to Sophie,
she has yet to answer me back.

This trip will be good,
I already looked at the weather and it said 0% chance of rain...
for a week straight.
A whole week of sunshiney warmness?
I won't know what to do with myself.
Check that...yes, I will.
I'll enjoy every stinking minute of it.

Crack fries, kayaking, and Father's Day

2009-06-22T08:20:00.003-04:00

The weekend proved beneficial to help me recover from last week.
We had dinner with friends on Saturday night
at this awesome bar downtown...
I'm a huge fan of french fries,
but am addicted to this place because of their "crack fries"...
the name says it all.
Apparently, I'm not the only one.

Yesterday morning I took Tim kayaking down the river
as his Father's Day gift.
There has been a ton of rain lately,
and it was perfect timing.
Of all the days I wish I had my camera,
this was one of them.
We embarked our double kayak and
learned how to maneuver the river.
The last time we did this was in some remote lagoon
in Cabo San Lucas...and we encountered tons of blow fish.
No blow fish here,
but plenty of other stuff.

We saw the usual:
ducks, geese, turtles and swans...
until we made a wide turn and got stuck.
On a fallen tree.
We sat for a moment, rested,
and I reached out for the dead branch to push off.
Something crawled across my hand and I screamed.
The biggest spider I have ever seen in this state.
Tim yelled at me for scaring him until he saw the darn thing...
so LUCKY (especially for me) that I didn't get bit.
I shudder to imagine what could have been....

After that, the trip was not typical.
A beautiful butterfly landed on my hand.
A beaver popped up right next to the kayak with a mouth full of sticks...
I gasped again ~ apparently he was just as startled to see me when he popped to the surface.
Within a minute we passed tall grass and had another visitor,
a baby deer.
She just stared at us as we slowly passed,
close enough to touch her with our paddles.
Everything was amazingly beautiful and serene.
It was the perfect thing to do.

After that we managed to get up to Muskegon for a little family reunion.
Saw lots of family we haven't seen in a really long time,
Tim finally got to meet them:)
My grandma was able to come from the nursing home,
and sit with her family.
That has been another tough aspect I have never really written about here.
I left for CA and my grandmother was herself,
I came back and she is now another person...
Since Will, I have distanced myself from that grieving too.
Because its so sad, and I'm not that old...and neither is she.
But she will never see my children.
However, on Father's Day, all of her children and grandchildren
were together for one last time.
And I could tell she knew that.

So to know that my grandpa was the happiest he's been in a long time...
that made it all worth it, and helped me to feel a little better too.

Too bummed for words.

2009-06-19T14:46:00.007-04:00

There are lots of things I feel like saying,
but I am not going to.
These are the facts:
I got a rejection email this morning,
I'm not taking it so well (even though I thought I would),
Its not just the not getting the job part...
Its lots of not getting all sorts of things "part"...

And now, I am going to take a break from writing,
not dig myself a bigger "pity" hole
and crawl into bed, cover myself with blankets, cry
and stay there...
maybe forever.

And of course, this all had to happen 11 months to the day that Will passed away.

11 months

2009-06-17T13:40:00.002-04:00

Today is one of those days.
One of those days that happens less and less
but still happens regardless.
I suspect, that with time, that days like these
will happen in less frequency.
But when the do come,
the pain
and sadness
and tears
come as if he was just here in my arms.
And like I had just held him,
my arms are left aching.
Searching...
for someone that hasn't been here in way too long.

Sometimes I look for things to blame,
something that perhaps triggered these emotions.
the cold and rainy weather?
the lack of anything to fill my time?
the stress of not hearing anything regarding my interview?
It doesn't really matter,
the feelings are here all the same.

I went through his box today,
the one thing I have to be close to him.
I took out his outfit, his blanket...
his incomplete baby book.
The same book I was writing in
when the NICU doctor told us he would surely die.

And moments like this,
I hate God for letting this happen...
For letting him die
and leaving me a completely broken person.
Couldn't he have picked someone else?
Someone else who would handle this with more grace,
more trust
more faith
more understanding
more everything than what I have to offer?

A whole day wasted on crying and living in the past.
Regrets.
I didn't have them until I moved here,
now those regrets consume my thoughts.
Its a horrible way to live.
And I should know better,
I do know better.
But on days like today,
I'm pretty much rendered useless...
a prisoner to a broken heart.

Somewhere over the rainbow...

2009-06-15T17:33:00.003-04:00

Last night's visitor.

After a storm the other day,

I walked out my front door

and was greeted by a rainbow.

This was kind of a big deal to me...

I saw it as a promise.

I don't know exactly what for,

but there is was nonetheless.

June 15th of last year was my very first post.

And its not just that,

but other events and things have been bringing a flood of memories...

the rainbow,

summer storms,

elephant ears,

and questions about the future.

Some will completely understand how all the things above are connected,

and if there is still some questions (especially about the elephant ears part) that story will be told one day in the book.

I'm working on it...

because its too funny a story to be left untold.

But tonight,

I'm sitting on the deck watching daylight fade from the sky.

And knowing that tomorrow is that interview.

Its on my mind, not for reasons many would assume...

For me,

it represents just another aspect of my life I did not see coming.

It is another sign that time moves forward,

my life is changing and starting to show signs of moving forward also.

It means that I have an opportunity again.

Something so normal as a teaching job,

is now a really big deal to me.

A new sense of normal is now within my reach...

Maybe tomorrow will be the start of something new.

Hopefully good.

Because somewhere over the rainbow,

people get 2nd chances...

and so does the pre-baby suit I managed to squeeze my body into!

My comic relief

2009-06-14T17:50:00.000-04:00

This dog...
is the creature I spend all my time with.
We are together all day and all night...
I see her more than Tim.
So those of my friends who question my sanity?
Here is your answer...

I'm sure this clarifies a great deal.
And by the way,
I just found her like this.

Finally, some sun...

2009-06-12T08:53:00.004-04:00

Woke up with a jolt this morning,
I was dreaming
and then something smashed into my window.
For all I knew, it could have been a deer or something.
It was that loud.

I bolted up in bed and looked out my window,
nothing under the window
but a huge deer was at the far end of our lawn.
His new antlers were still fuzzy as they were growing in.
It wasn't him that made the noise, obviously,
but perhaps a large bird giddy because the sun is actually out.

So here I sit,
somewhat giddy as well, if I can even get giddy anymore...
Maybe just anxious, perhaps from all the coffee I slammed this morning.
About to drop off another resume.
That great feeling I've had?
turns out I was onto something,
I have an interview on Tues.
Now I realize that there are probably something like 25 other people also fighting for this...
but I pray that they see something in me.
And besides, we all know how hard I can fight.
I just pray that I'm given a chance.
First impressions are everything here,
and I'm not so sure I make the best ones.

I hate interviews.
You have to sell yourself while sounding confident,
and I always feel like its the most cocky/not humble experience.
And with my teaching experience in CA,
and after subbing in the local districts back here...
I know without a doubt I bring something totally different to the table.

Regardless of what happens, I know I need this.
I need a purpose,
a schedule,
someone (or lots of little someones) to distract me from the emptiness.

I'm trying not to think about the whole baby thing.
I'm trying not to wonder why its taking so long,
if the stress is affecting me
if its even meant to be.
There is no doubt that I am disappointed it has nearly been a year,
and we aren't on our way again.
And I'm pretty sure this month is another failed attempt.

But,
like I said,
I'm not going to think about that.
I'm going to focus on the one thing I can be good at:
the interview on Tuesday morning.
*Any prayers are greatly appreciated...

patiently waiting

2009-06-09T20:09:00.005-04:00

Haven't written much lately.
Not that I don't want to,
but nothing is really going on.

School is out.
The weather is slightly improving.
Things are overly green and alive...
and I have way too much time on my hands.
Good thing the Twilight series books are over 600 pages and there are 4 of them.
I don't know what I'll do when I finish.

Last week, we went to Indiana to bury Tim's last living grandma.
We were happy for her,
she was 97 and had been wanting to go for some time.
I guess in the circle of life,
that is how it is supposed to go.
You live a long full life and then pass away in your sleep.
Only I know better now,
that sometimes the circle is disrupted.

As we stood by her graveside,
in the middle of the cemetery
surrounded by Indiana farmland...
I envied her era in a way.
She lived in the same place her whole life,
had a small circle of friends and family.
And things were just more,
simple.
As I walked to the car, I took notice of other head stones.
And what did I see?
Three babies.
The years were somewhat faded,
1903
1913
1915
And even though it was 100 years ago,
I wondered about them,
felt sad for them.
Felt that anxiety for the parents that were buried next to them...
who endured a lifetime without their child.

I guess it happened more frequently back in the day,
but it was nice to see that they were named...
that they were buried with their family...
that they existed
and their headstones were left for the rest of us to see.

The history back here is something I love,
being in that field
it could have been 1915 because nothing else had changed.

So I guess that has been on my mind since last week.
Funerals make you reflect,
not that I need any help in that category.
But otherwise, I am still feeling optimistic.

Still hoping that a call will come for an interview,
or any other good news.
Maybe I'm in better spirits because I'm not subbing,
and can catch up on some sleep.
I require a lot these days,
they tell me its normal.
But I can't help but think that I have better things to do.

Three weeks from tomorrow we'll be in the O.C.
That is giving me an opportunity for excitement...
Surfing
Swimming
Seeing friends...
And having some real summer weather.
I can't wait.

A little seed called...Hope

2009-06-01T19:46:00.002-04:00

Its June.
That is insane to me.
This is because,
while the rest of the world has continued on,
while friends have gotten pregnant and had those babies weeks and months ago,
while others have taught an entire school year,
celebrated holidays and birthdays...
my life has stood still,
or been a fog
since that fateful day last July.

Every so often,
my eyes are opened as I fight to awake from a deep hibernation,
that I really have no control of.
Sometimes I manage to stay awake long enough to create a new memory...
most of the time I quickly fall back asleep.
But lately, my awake spells have been more frequent...
and are lasting longer.

I'm not sure if this is because it is nearly summer here,
or if my intuition that something is going to happen soon...
just might be correct.
Because 6 months ago,
I was convinced that if someone was to look up the
definition of hell in the dictionary...
you just might find the words: Julie's current life situation.
I'm joking of course....somewhat.

But this week, I found out that besides the obvious,
I wasn't able to shake myself out of this for good reason.
There was nothing to hope for.
Then with the simplest thing as an email,
and a possibility for a job...
that was all that was needed for the clouds to part in the slightest way...
and finally let some light into my dark world.

Now there is a good chance that nothing will become of this,
but I have hope again.
And even if I don't get a call or an interview...
I have learned that I am going to take this hopeful feeling and run with it.
Even if it does only last for a couple of days.
And just maybe,
if its meant to be,
this new found purpose could possibly last longer than that.

And it could have the possibility
to be the start of something new.

It could be silly,
to open myself up for more let downs.
But at this point,
I really don't care.
Its feels good to be optimistic again.

More pictures

2009-05-30T09:15:00.004-04:00

Standing on the Brooklyn Bridge

The Chrysler Building looking beautiful in the rain...

Grand Central Terminal...absolutely gorgeous.

Tim's favorite...Wall Street

A cupcake from the infamous Magnolia Bakery, it didn't disappoint.

One of the highlights of our trip, walking the bridge...in the pouring rain.

***************************

The weather is changing every 10 min. here,

so here I sit on the computer

trying to decide what to do with myself.

I'm supposed to be prepping my resume and cover letter,

to send out this week...

but I am being pulled to my pictures instead.

I just spent some moments with Will,

and looking through all the photos we have stored on our computer.

They look so beautiful on this big, bright screen.

Then I jumped to our NYC photos,

and I realized that I did a real crap job of sharing those.

I love photography.

And while Tim talked me out of purchasing the camera of my dreams:

The Nikon D90...

We did manage to get some good shots on our little hand held deal,

and so I thought I would post a few more.

We booked our trip to the O.C. for July 1st...

Now that we don't live there anymore,

I have a list of things I want pictures of.

Only I have sheer confidence the weather will for sure cooperate during this trip at least.

The upcoming trip will be a good thing to look forward to in July,

I'll need it,

that much I know...

One year ago today...

2009-05-27T14:56:00.007-04:00

When I woke up this morning,
I felt a slight anxiety sitting on my chest.
Even the weather is the same...
How can it be that exactly one year ago today,
my journey in the hospital began.

I guess May has been a big month,
another tough month...
which leaves me with many explanations on
the lack of writing on my end.
Well, maybe not the lack of writing,
but the lack of actual posting.
There are days when my mind wanders,
and I try to resist the darkness of a depression
that is slowly creeping up as the one year mark
gets noticeably closer.

Something good has to happen soon,
its been over a year...
is the only thing I can think sometimes.

Its hard to experience the events all over again,
a year later.
Its only natural to replay every stinging detail,
day by day,
recounting how things were a year ago.
How different they were a year ago.
In some strange way, going back to those posts helps.
It hurts, but it is also a written record.
That time and place in my story, is not forgotten.

I read over my posts from last May,
and its hard to recognize that person.
For all that was happening,
and for all that was spinning out of control...
she seems oddly upbeat...or even optimistic.

Looking back now,
I can see that person is gone in many ways.
But that cruel uncertainty of the future?
It is still here.
Will may be gone from this earth,
but much of what I felt a year ago
still remains,
just in a slightly different way.

I'm still looking for direction.
I'm looking to feel that aching inside me dull just a bit.
Its not a lot to ask,
its so hard not to concentrate on what we have given or lost,
and to overcome having to give something back to God,
that I never wanted to give.

And now, all I'm asking for is for Him to give me something else...
or rather someone else.
Because I have come to realize that this hole,
won't be filled by anyone...
but it will help in the healing.
It will help dull the daily pain.
It will help restore the feeling of hope and purpose.

My ramblings with God,
aren't so much prayers...
its more like begging.
Because I don't know what else to do.
Begging for what others probably take for granted.
A job...
A family...
A familiar routine...
and I'm not even asking for all of them at once,
just one would do.
So that is my new prayer.

In the meantime, as May quickly passes me by,
I am going to end with what I am thankful for:
I've applied for some jobs (with any luck maybe I'll get an interview)
Tim and I had a whopping 3 days off together this last weekend...
I survived Mother's Day...and my 30th Birthday.

And now for the most embarrassing, yet truthfully the best, distraction I've had since last May:
The Twilight Series.
How bad is my addiction to these books?
I'm on the 3rd book and I just purchased them last week.
Which has me thinking...
In a strange way, these books are helping me.
I'm actually looking forward to something...

I need to get writing soon.
The idea of writing a book is a constant and daily thought,
perhaps it would help someone.
Maybe many more people than I can ever dream.
Then again, if it only help me...
Its something I know I need to do.

Normal

2009-05-19T09:44:00.003-04:00

Last Friday was the parent panel at the hospital.

It was a good experience, something I would do again.

So there we sat, in front of a room full of NICU nurses, social workers, and a chaplain.

Tim and I were the only couple,

so he was the only guy.

I told him it was paybacks for all the Marine functions that he would drag me to where I was the only female...not that I ever complained about that really:)

But anyways,

he made the comment, not me,

that we were the only ones there on the panel without a living child.

Does that really matter?

I think it does, because there is still that question of "will it happen for us?"

But what I got from Friday, is to hear what he had to say

in front of other people.

So often, our grief is like a teeter-totter.

One of us is up, the other down...

and the cycle of ups and downs continues.

Rarely...do we meet in the middle.

And often he lets me speak and doesn't get into how he entirely feels.

They asked us how our grief differs, how we handle it.

Then he told them something that even I can't truly understand.

He explained Iraq,

and along with all the stress and unknowns,

of walking outside the wire on a given day and not knowing if he would die,

with losing friends and

seeing Marines bleed to death in front of him while he helplessly watched....

he said that watching Will die that night was so much worse.

So much worse...

I didn't realize it could get much worse than that stuff.

The people in that room probably didn't know what to think.

Again, a lot of our experiences put us on a different level.

A level that many people can only try to imagine...

its a level that I really try to forget.

And after it all, when the director asked us what the one most significant change in our lives has been since Will's death, Tim's reply was this:

Indifference.

The inability to really care about anything besides each other.

Sure, we can try to get into work,

in making plans for the weekend,

to set goals for ourselves...

but I would be lying to say we really care about things like that.

We do it for Will.

Because I know he wouldn't want us to turn into complete wrecks,

we need to live the kind of life he never got a chance to.

And that puts a different spin on things.

I don't really plan for the future anymore like I used to,

God always seems to have a different idea.

But some things I am ready to change.

As my 30th birthday approaches,

there is that indifference factor again.

It bothers me to be in this spot,

during this milestone..

Without a child,

without a job,

and wondering just what exactly is going on with my life and why...

Why I had to go from sheer happiness to devastation in one swift move.

I remember wanting to be "done" having kids

by the time I was 30.

You could say that I have wised up a bit at least.

So now, its just a number,

and it will arrive just like any other day,

without much planned,

without much celebrating.

And that is fine.

Tim and I are hard on ourselves,

we expect a lot.

And I expected a whole lot more for and of myself than this.

And I know that many people worry,

just wondering how long this is going to last,

if I'm going to be "okay"

and if my grief is "normal"...

because I am one of them.

And then the scary thing is,

we meet others in our situation

and they tell me some of the things they did after their loss happened...

and it leaves me feeling pretty darn normal...

What is normal anyways?

Sure, there are strange people, but do they act that way for a reason unknown to us?

Am I now "strange" to people that don't know me?...

it would hardly be surprising after all that has happened.

But then a long time ago, I suddenly realized that,

there really is

no such thing...

as normal.

Especially regarding families.

The hole

2009-05-13T21:14:00.006-04:00

The bereavement counselor told us that grieving...

would be hard work.

I had naturally scoffed at this,

but honestly she has been so right.

It is work.

Hard, tiring, absolutely draining work.

And this blog is part of the work I must do.

Writing about this crap totally sucks,

but its part of my work.

And if I don't do it,

then things creep up on me

and it sends me back to square one.

When I don't write,

or express what is going on in my head.

Things go south real quick.

And then I have to ask myself why I don't write more.

And my answer is because I'm always expressing some negative

or sad emotion...

and I worry that people don't want to hear it.

But seriously, I'm over what others may think.

I can't be concerned with other people at all.

Because if I don't do my "work" I suffer even more.

My mind and body pay,

for what I don't put out there.

Because the truth is,

unless you have had a child die,

then no one really knows.

I guess the past weeks I have been trying to navigate through a fog that I don't understand. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be consumed in thinking about Will.

But I just am.

This is not something that one can talk themselves out of. And often the reactions of others (or complete ignorance) slashes that wound right back open.

And I'm left here bleeding all over again.

Mother's Day.

My body knew.

And my heart ached like nothing before.

And it all began days ahead...the constant sleeping, the wringing of my hands, the sobbing, the complete and utter feeling of hopelessness.

And the anger at God.

I found a journal entry from exactly a year ago.

When we got Will's prognosis, and I prayed that he either be healed

or that he go quickly.

I am now, 100% convinced, that I had no idea what I was asking for.

Because now?

There is no way in hell that I ever would pray for anything short of a miracle.

Will dying would not be an option in my mind.

Because now the shock has worn off and the reality has set in.

And many times it is too much to bear.

The pain I have felt the past few weeks

has been constant.

And I sit around people,

who say stupid things,

and do ignorant things,

and just generally have no idea.

And often, mothers

cannot even begin to imagine...don't want to even try to imagine...

what is now my reality...

but are quick to offer advice or just altogether ignore me.

Yes, I am now the elephant in the room.

And since I represent sadness and a mother's worst nightmare...

I am shunned, pushed away. Because after all, it makes people uncomfortable,

not knowing what to say,

not wanting their special moment to be tainted with memories of mine.

Or my other blessing are brought up,

like you have Tim,

or you have a beautiful house.

The house one annoys me the most.

I read an analogy while going through some bereavement things that went something like this:

When people make remarks and they generally don't understand what they are saying to the bereaved parent it sounds something like this, "Okay, let's have you stick out one of your hands and we'll cut it off. Of course it will hurt at first, but you should get over it because you still have your other hand, right? (such as my husband and nice house) In fact, after some time, which will be determined by me, not by you who lost your hand, I don't want to hear anything about you having a hard time with the loss of your hand. Don't ask me for help, because you just need to accept it and be strong. No complaining allowed, that would just mean that you are ungrateful for the hand you have left. And if you don't mind, please keep your suffering and stump of an arm hidden, it makes me feel uncomfortable....

and all this is coming from someone who is perfect, someone who has both their hands.

That pretty much sums it up.

And while being ignored, never made anyone feel good,

for me its like an extra punishment.

Like having Will die wasn't enough...

now I have lost the little ignorant bliss I had left in the world, and realize that I am now a totally different person...and I have lost faith in people that I thought would at least try to be what I need most right now ~ a friend.

Maybe I'll just be honest and say that I am jealous.

I'm jealous that I will never have a completely Happy Mother's Day.

My heart?

There will always be a hole, left from Will, that no one else can ever fill.

And I want that ignorance back.

That sheer, new mommy ignorance...

where everything goes according to plan.

And babies?

Well, they just don't die.

What has come out of of this so far?

Its hard to say.

While I know on my end, I have become more empathetic, caring, and numerous other things. I know that good has come for others, that Will's life has brought out a positive for people I don't even know.

But this is where I am honest in saying

that I don't care how much good can come out of it.

I'm selfish and would much rather have him alive and here with me,

regardless of what good has come out of it.

Because our lives since last July?

Light years away from good.

This will be the hardest thing I do in my life.

Because it will be constant.

Constant work every single day,

until the day I go home to be with him once again...

to learn to live the best I can,

with only part of my heart.

Our trip

2009-05-07T16:33:00.008-04:00

The view from our hotel room,

gotta love it...

I totally got sick in NYC.

It was not fun (being sick).

But the rest of it?

Parts were fun,

parts were sad,

and parts were frustrating.

Mostly, it was eye-opening.

Everyone should go to NYC at least once.

I loved the history of it all.

It would have been much more enjoyable,

if the weather would have cooperated.

However,

it rained (more like poured).

Nearly the entire time we were there.

Shopping?

It didn't happen.

I don't count the one thing we did buy:

umbrellas.

But I need to start from the beginning.

Hold on,

this may be long.

Especially considering that I stayed home sick today...

yes, with the same sickness I picked up in the Big Apple.

Day one: Friday

As soon as I stepped into the daylight after coming up from the subway,

I could feel the energy.

Tons of people.

It was awesome.

Tim & I briskly walked 8 blocks, luggage in tow, to our hotel in Times Square. This was one of the highlights: a completely free hotel thanks to all the Starpoints we've saved up over the years. Once to our room, it started to pour...so grateful, that the rain held off until we got inside.

That night we checked out Grand Central Terminal and

Times Square at night...

neither disappointed.

I don't even want to think about all the energy that goes into keeping that place lit up...but I was distracted anyways, by the huge blisters already forming on my heels.

Day 2: Saturday

Weather: still raining

Explored: Financial District, Wall St, Ground Zero, Statue of Liberty, & Ellis Island

The clouds parted in the late afternoon to give us some great pictures with the Statue of Liberty. Ground Zero was humbling. Obviously, this is a place that I have wanted to go to for some time. After all, 9/11 is what deeply affected our path in life through deployments in the Marine Corps. We visited a really old church across from the site that was preserved, and somehow has managed to survive the attacks and served as a staging area for the rescue workers.

This place is amazing. A graveyard and church dating back to the 1700's,

George Washington worshipped here.

It doesn't get much more inspiring.

Day 3: Sunday

Woke up feeling awful, and the pouring rain outside didn't help much.

We made our way down to the Brooklyn Bridge and walked across.

Rain or not, that bridge is just cool in general.

Definitely a highlight.

Afterwards, we managed to get to the nice shopping district...where I unfortunately did not shop, but we did visit Magnolia Bakery (made famous by the series Sex & the City).

While looking for a specific restaurant, we were walking by Burberry and I was staring at a man. I was staring because it was pouring rain and he was wearing large black sunglasses.

I thought he was crazy (and weird).

Then I realized he was crazy, as in crazy funny...

Martin Short.

I must be losing my SoCal instincts of knowing things like that.

Obviously, big shades = someone who is trying to hide something.

As I passed him, I laughed,

because I know the look on my fact must have said it all.

We found the place to eat,

it was pretty good.

Lots of celebs go there,

however, I have been paying for it dearly since then.

Between getting a nasty cold and then some weird digestive bug,

I am hesitant to recommend this place to anyone.

Enough said.

A whirlwind trip.

Glad to go,

but even happier to be home.

Its not like I expected it to change my life...

but maybe, deep down, I was hoping to forget things for awhile.

Just goes to show that you can't just jump on plane,

and come home expecting things to be different.

That would be nice though.

I think that I am just really, really sad with

Mother's Day approaching fast.

Not even NYC can take that pain away.

Back from the NYC

2009-05-06T07:32:00.002-04:00

We got back Monday night from NYC.

Minus the constant rain and

me picking up a cold and stomach bug (from a burger joint)

we managed to have a pretty good time.

But its good to be back.

I'll post details and pics

just as soon as I feel better...

2009-04-29T10:19:00.002-04:00

Monday night I went to group at the hospital.
Since Tim is in NY this week for work,
I went alone to see and talk with the nurse that was with us the night Will passed.

Monday night was hard...
we talked about Mother's Day.
And of all the things I talk about and want to talk about,
this is one thing that brings me so much pain...
I can't even go there yet.

I know that Will has a special place in so many hearts...
especially his nurse's.
So she gave us an opportunity to do something.
In a few weeks, Tim and I will speak on a parent panel
about Will to a group of healthcare professionals as a part of their ongoing training.
Hard?
Yes...
but also partly healing.

The bereavement coordinator gave me a list of questions...
they are interesting and I thought that I might put them,
along with my answers,
on this blog.

Its all part of the journey.

So as I get ready to fly to New York on Friday,
my mind is more than ready for a change of scenery.
My motto for a long time (way before all this) has always been,
when you just can't take it anymore (life that is)
jump on a plane at go somewhere.

And it always works.
I have no doubt that starting Friday,
our trip will change this family's outlook greatly.