In honor of Will

About a week before Will's birthday and heavenly anniversary I begin to get emotional.
Its this strange thing that I can never fully explain or even understand,
but my heart and soul know that these few days are solely his...
and he becomes the center of my thoughts.
Even in the chaos that is now my home.
I just can't even begin to imagine that it has been 6 years since I last held him.

Sure, we have found a new "sense of normal" but Will's death is still in my daily thoughts and I know now that won't ever change.
With the passing of time, I don't cry like I used to.
And I gladly share his story without tears.
but for whatever reason...
Mid-July leaves me quiet in my thoughts and a bit weepy.

Last night I poured a glass of wine and did my quick scan of Facebook while cooking dinner.
Then I saw something that literally took my breath away.
I turned my attention to an organization that had been linked by a consignment shop where I sell my boys clothes.

This organization accepts women's wedding dresses,
and makes them into Angel Gowns.
What are they exactly?
Beautiful gowns given to families for the babies that never get to leave the hospital.

This is the destiny of my wedding dress.
And it couldn't have come at a better time.

My gown is currently sitting in a box in our garage,
the last of some boxes that I don't know what to do with exactly.
Too valuable in memories, it has been saved with certain dreams.
Moved across the country twice.
Stored for too many years in the dark.

Its time for that dress to have a new meaning and a new life.

The night that Will died,
the nurses did the best with what they had.
Donations to the NICU in the form of handmade gowns and blankets.
But these Angel Gowns?
They are sacred and absolutely stunning.

The outfit the bereavement nurses put Will into when they brought him to us?
I absolutely hated it.
I have never said anything.
Didn't want to make anyone feel bad.
But it was this awful scratchy white gown that looked like something I would dress my Cabbage Patch Kid in as a little girl. Cross-stiched red hearts and all.
And I was absolutely horrified that the one outfit my son wore was the same one he would die in...

Simply put: It was so ugly it distracted me from the moment.

I had expected to see him simply in a diaper and brought to us wrapped in a blanket.
I wanted to be able to hold him for the first time, at 52 hours old, and take in his features that I would never again be able to see in this life.
His arms, legs, his beautiful head without some doll bonnet on it.
I just wanted to see...Him.

After that first hour, and Will's heart had eventually beat for the last time,
the first thing we did was change him.
I had found this tiny blue outfit at Baby Gap,
but the legs and sleeves still had to be rolled up.
The one irrational thought pulsing through my head was at least he was in something soft and comfortable...
It probably seems confusing to people that have never dressed their baby for the first and last time.
That I would even care about what he was or wasn't wearing.
But what he wore, ended up being in nearly every photo that I will ever have of him.
That outfit is preserved in time and now sits in his box.
I have one small box of things in which to remember my son.
And that little blue outfit I changed him into is a huge part of that.

Now suddenly, 6 years later, I know that if Will had worn an Angel Gown it would have been the most beautiful thing. A meaningful keepsake. A most thoughtful gesture given by a stranger. So that is what I want to do. In honor of Will.

Here is where I will be shipping my wedding gown next week
In Honor of Will for his 6th birthday
July 17~July 19, 2008:

NICU Helping Hands
C/O Ideal Partners
6913 Camp Bowie BLVD Suite 181
Fort Worth, Texas 76116

Where has the time gone?

Most days are filled with trying to meet the demands of my crazy children.
There is always some sort of complete chaos going on in our home.
If I want peace and quiet, I go to hot yoga and lose myself for 60 minutes...it seems I can never get there more than 2-3 times a week when I should probably go every day.
And the days just go...

But even so, I find its May.
May. And the year? 2014.
How has it been 6 years since we have moved here and this whole thing began?
To anyone who has had a child die, I will say that we have finally established our "new sense of normal." And yes, its taken 6 long years. But I can finally say that I am happy.
That is something that I never thought I would feel again.
Ever.

And even though I am happy, and loving my children and my life...
the grief is still there.
It still sneaks up, surprising at times.
Today I went to the store and the cashier announced my total: $17.19
Those aren't just numbers to me.
They are forever tattooed on my soul as Will's days: July 17: his birth and July 19: his death. Why those numbers? Why together? And why today?

Or last week when I was at hot yoga and the teacher was guiding us in our breath and talking about its meaning (as they do a lot) and she used this analogy of watching a loved one sleep or watching someone else breath...
And my mind immediately went back to those 52 hours in the NICU and watching my sweet baby's chest rise and fall. I watched him breathe and pleaded with God to heal his lungs. He was so beautiful and perfect and yet on the inside there was something broken. And as everyone found their breath in class I was suddenly struggling for mine as tears streamed down my face.

And so it remains with me.

Nearly six years later. On the outside I may look put together again...and happy. Hell, I even wear mascara again.
But something, will always inherently be broken.
And I'm okay with that.

How to stress yourself out...

Blogging is what I love,
but I love being a mom & wife first...
so usually (well, lately) those two things have been taking up all my time. And I haven't written since October! Truthfully, I have written a few posts but chose not to post them simply because I didn't have time to completely finish them and deemed them less than "perfect."

But today, I am going to write about the other thing that has taken up all my time. Just to recap, last fall we sold our house and decided to build. Long story short, the builder was taking a really long long time and we fell in love with a different part of our city, Grand Rapids. Fast forward to now. We decided against our original plan and have now been working on selections for our new townhome. Its amazing how much work and detail go into colors and floors and cabinets. I'm obsessed. Especially with pinterest and houzz.com, which is a designers dream! But I'm back to blogging, because I want to document this project...cause its kind of a big deal for our family.

So, here's some of the first photos of our "blank canvas"

                                                                       Living Room

                                                                     Master Bedroom

                                                                             Kitchen

                                                                       2nd Bedroom

                      Huge Basement! To the right are the laundry room, another full bath and bedroom...

I must admit that while its always been a dream of ours to build our own home, it is truly one of the most stressful things. And we've been through a lot! But it has been fun to work on a project and slowly see some things coming together. Lots more photos to come so I can share our new homes transformation! Just another quick photo of the lights I am trying to decide between for over the kitchen island. Any thought?!

 
This is the Benson Pendant from Restoration Hardware....

And then we have something totally different! The Clarissa Chandelier from Pottery Barn. Although I am noting that the metal is more bronze in person that this photo shows.

Decisions, decisions!

Snapshot in time

I can't even begin to catch up on all the lost days since this summer.
There is one explanation for my lack of writing: my boys keep me very busy.
And in the chaos of the day, I often don't have time to even feed myself...
let alone to really think about Will or miss Sophie or do anything else that was my life just two short years ago. And while that isn't a bad thing~it is different.

Jack & Declan grow every day and time goes too fast.
It goes too fast because most days I accomplish nothing except for playing and laughing and maybe writing down a "to do" list for when I do get that time back that eludes me.
But for right now, I am content with story time and keeping fingers from getting smashed in drawers.
Just when I get used to this life, it will change again...

Its fall.
The season that I missed most of all in California.
Everything changes here and this fall is no different.
Our house has finally gotten an offer and we will be moving.
A part of me has wanted this for so long,
and now that it is here its almost hard to let go.

We had huge dreams for this place.
We never wanted to move again...
and as quickly as we got here and then Will died,
well, I couldn't wait to leave.
And then we had Jack and the house wasn't so empty anymore.

But it could never be what I had imagined it to be.
Too many rainy days,
too many days staring out the window and crying and wondering how I was going to keep living.
And then Sophie died too.

I guess I know there won't ever be a perfect house,
but I am ready for a new chapter.
And in the meantime, living closer to the city will help too.
But leaving this place and the dreams I had for it,
is still more difficult than I thought it would be.

Will was here, even if it was only when I was pregnant with him,
and the memories I have of Sophie running around in our yard still flash in my mind every time I go outside to play with Jack.

I had ghosts in California too.
Memories of Marines with their families at picnics and dinners, and then those memories playing even though I knew they had died.
But now when I go back to those places, I don't really see the things I used to.
I guess I am ready for that here too.
I want to move forward, remembering the past but not being held captive by it.

So as all the leaves change,
I'll pack boxes and get redy for our own new change.
Building a house.
Like I said before, I'm busy...but apparently not too busy to design and build a new house.

Whew. Better dust off the computer too.
This is will be one big adventure,
time to blog about it so that one day I can look back and proudly proclaim that it is just one more thing that I survived:)

Balloons for brother...

The day of Will's funeral and his little tree ~ 2008

Our family in front of Will's tree ~ 2012

Jack clinging to his balloon, telling me "No!" when I told him to let it go :)

Today its been 4 years.
And after all this time, many things have changed.
And many things have not.
My heart and body still know this day.
Without warning I cry.
I feel lost.
I feel anxious.
I am still grieving.
My living children have no idea.
Not yet anyway.
In the coming years they will come to learn that these are "Will's days."
The time of year when I really cannot escape the emotions that build up over the course of the year and suddenly burst out.
I miss him.
I wonder what our family would be like if he hadn't died.
And now that Jack is almost 2, I especially wonder what Will's personality would have been like.
Would he have been more laid back and chill like Declan?
Or full of sass, stubborn and crazy like Jack.
I'll never know.
It sucks to go through life with such questions.

The other new struggle is how to teach our living children about their brother.
Each year we don't know what to do.
I questioned if should finally find a plot and have him buried here in Michigan.
But what if we leave, or move out of state again?
The thought of leaving him here is absolutely devastating.
So his ashes remain in our bedroom.
There is no grave to visit,
no good way to explain to Jack...
Sometimes I wonder if it would also be easier for me to visit a grave.
To see his name etched in stone,
something permanent.
Something for the world to see.
Maybe some day...

But this year we decided we had to do something.
So we got a cake.
G & G and Uncle Eric came over.
We took a photo in front of Will's tree,
and had 4 balloons.
Our new little tradition.
After the cake, we went out back and let go of our balloons with messages of love scribbled on them.
I explained to Jack that they were for his big brother and that they would float up to heaven.
We let them go and watched them float away.
All except Jack.
"Let it go," I gently coaxed him.
And in true Jack fashion, he quietly said, "No."
After a few more minutes he relucantly let go.
We watched them quickly float up and out of sight.

"Oh, wow!" he said...
Yeah, I thought to myself.
How has it been 4 years since I last held my baby?
Wow.
I remember that first night when he died and being put into the hospital bed as Tim climbed in next to me. Most of that night is a blur, except for the pain and a few random thoughts.
One of those thoughts was how I was going to make it. And what was our life going to look like after such a horrible thing happened? How long before I would feel normal again? What would it be like when his death happened years ago and not just minutes and hours?
And here we are.
4 years and 2 healthy boys later.
I am truly blessed.
And I remember this as I cry tonight,
but it somehow doesn't make it any easier.
I have accepted that I will spend my whole life missing Will & loving him through the 2 boys here with me now.

And next year,
there will be 5 balloons.

What have we been up to?!?!

Has it really been MONTHS since I've blogged?!?
Being a mommy to two little boys under 2...
well, I have finally met my match.
I am no longer the super organized, time-effecient, never-late woman that I used to be.
Oh, she's still in there...in spirit. But it may be years before I'm a version of my former self!
Wouldn't have it any other way.

So what have we been up to?
Surviving.
Every day is an adventure.
Sleep deprivation??
No wonder they use it on POW's...
you suddenly lose the ability to really care about non-important things.
Which is fine, and even after Will dying, it is impossible to go back to our former selves where I spent my time distracting myself with only temporary material things of this world.

But suddenly, summer is upon us and I am faced with the 4th year anniversary of Will's birth and death.
4 years.
It still doesn't seem real.
There is still a hole.
And there are days I just want to cry and be left alone,
only now I simply don't have that option.
People say that time heals all, anyone who had had their child die knows that this is complete crap.
It is the darkest thing, watching a piece of yourself die.
And suddenly I have been thrust into the past and having to watch friends come to know this pain.
It is the kind of tragedy where I silently wished it would never happen to anyone I know.
Life had other plans.

Trying to help someone when I know there is really nothing I can do is also frustrating.
Everyone grieves differently and has different situations.
But the pain is the same.
Only now, with time, I am the other person now.
The woman who lost her first child but now has two healthy boys.
Somehow this is supposed to lessen the initial blow that life dealt me.

But what about the feelings that never really go away?
The times when I swore I would never take me kids for granted or get angry or lose my patience?
Suddenly, I am a "normal" mom who's kids can drive her absolutely insane.
When did this suddenly happen?
At what point in time, did my grieving end and my life begin again?
And at what moment did I simply wish one of my son's would just STOP crying when I always longed to hear Will make any noise at all?

Even as I type, Jack is climbing on me like a human jungle gym even though he has a mountain of toys and a sand table to keep him occupied here outside while I try to type my first blog in months?!!?
I am annoyed.
Why?
Because I am human.
And I am a mom who now not only has to juggle a 23 month old and a 7 month old and push back those moments when I still think to myself that there should be a nearly 4 year old here too.

And so my observation to those new parents who suddenly find themselves without their baby they longed so much for?
Life somehow continues.
You find a new sense of normal.
Yet you never forget and you are never the person you were before.
How could you be?
And even with the birth of an additional child there are struggles, because after all, how can you ever stop thinking about "what could have been/should have been?"
You don't. And you can't.
In your mind, you keep that alive.
Because thinking about what your life would be like if they were still alive...well, its honestly the only thing you have left of your child that has died.
So you imagine them in your family at that moment, and find peace that someday your family will be whole and comlete again.
Just not here on this earth,
or even in this lifetime.
And that is why you never really "get over it."

New Month, new goals

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing and this blog for awhile,

and given that its Febuary 1st already,

there is only one thing for certain...

time just keeps going.

And the longer I don't write and this blogs just sits,

it isn't helping anyone...

including myself.

It was the conversation with a friend the other day

that really got me serious about my "calling" as many have referred to.

Another mom lost her sweet baby...

and I know in my heart that she won't be the last.

Sadly, babies dying is still a thing that most don't want to think about...

or its followed with the famous

"Well, at least...(fill in the blank)" comments that most people say because the truth is that they DON'T know what in the world to say, and that really isn't their fault because its not like any of us took a class in "grieving or compassion or even how to balance a check book" in high school. And God knows we need lessons in all of these and more to really function in this world.

After Will died, I've had many friends call me with similar stories.

Someone they know lost a child and they don't know what to do.

Mostly, they ask me what to NOT say.

I have always been a very open person, it doesn't pain me to talk about anything in regards to Will's life, his death or even how we have been learning to live again since.

If I can help one person it makes his death a little less painful.

Its my way of healing myself.

That might sound selfish, but by sharing his story, I breathe life back into his existence since I coudn't breathe it into his little body while he was here on earth.

Any mother can understand this.

So that brings me back to this blog,

I started it in the hospital as an update.

Now I look back and its a valuable tool on those days when I feel like I am still in that dark place when I came home empty handed to a cold, dark house.

We still struggle.

Two beautiful babies later, there is still a void.

And I know that it is okay to admit this while other people in the same position are afraid to.

I know I need to write more.

Not only for helping others, but also to help myself.

My end goal is to write that book everyone has been bugging me about.

There. I finally wrote it.

Now its out in cyber world...instead of just empty words floating in my head.

Prayers that somehow it comes to be,

and that I can find the talent, energy and TIME to accomplish it!

The Joys

So I had to share these...

Things are going great with Declan~

such an easygoing and happy baby.

Jack was my difficult one,

and still can be:)

As I was taking these photos of the Declan in his new outfit the other day, Jack was eating in his highchair just a few feet away in the kitchen. You see, I have to restrain the kid whenever I take photos of Declan since he's always trying to kiss him (very cute, I know) and gets in the way. Well, after a few shots, Jack starts in with the whining. Then the screaming. I have tried everything with this kid, he screams all the time and it drives me insane. So I try to ignore it completely...unless it gets out of control like in this situation. I turned around after a few minutes to see this scene and busted out laughing. Serves the kid right. Because in his world, getting a piece of lunch meat stuck on top of his head would be an emergency...

And never mind the yogurt covered pretzels the kid had managed to smear everywhere. Seriously? And all over the super cute brand new shirt he had been wearing for about 30 minutes...

I love having boys:)

World's Greatest Dog

The past few months have been trying for our family.

Not only was I pregnant with Declan, which we weren't planning on although it was a great surprise!...

our beloved dog, Sophie began to get sick in the spring.

While most people believe they have a great pet,

our dog was truly the kind of dog you only have once in a lifetime if you are lucky.

And yesterday, after months of searching for what was wrong with her,

we had to say goodbye.

Sophie has been a huge part of our family for 6 years and we can't believe she is gone.

She was our "fur child" in California and we can still remember the day we drove down to San Diego to pick her up. She was a sweetheart from the very first moment...and I am not exaggerating when I say she was an amazing pet.

For a lab, she was incredibly mild. And even more amazingly is that she didn't chew things, she never dug holes, she didn't bark and she never had an accident in the house...

I remember Tim and I taking her to obedience classes in San Clemente and the trainer pretty much ruling her out for 1st place because of her breed. Well, just tell Tim that something isn't possible and see what happens. The last night of class, there was a test to see what animals scored the most points. Tim bounded through the door and slammed a trophy on the counter while proudly exclaiming, "There are no f*#@ing losers in this family!" It was the 1st time in that class that a lab had placed first...

We loved Sophie like a child, and treated her like one of the family. We often had friends watch her because she was so sensitive that we hated to leave her at some strange kennel. This led to what we called the "Sophie-effect." Nearly everyone that watched her either wanted to adopt her or they decided to get their own dog shortly after.

Sophie was the kind of dog that made everyone want a pet...

And now we're left with amazing memories and that nagging feeling that her life was ended much too soon. She had a lot of life left and we'll always wonder what went wrong.

Yet again, we'll have to wait until heaven for answers.

I won't lie. Even though she is a dog, it brings back serious feelings with losing Will. She has seen us through so much and I feel like once again we failed a living creature that counted on us. I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't here after Will died. She was a constant friend and we already feel a huge void.

And worst of all...our boys won't grow up with the best dog ever.

Sophie is irreplaceable.
She helped us laugh when we felt like dying.
Entertained us in only ways a dog can.
And was always there when it seemed like no one else in the world was...
Sure, she could be a pain
but who isn't?!
And as we pet her and talked to her as her life left her body on a cold December day...
it pained me greatly.
Too many similarities.
And that awful helpless feeling like we had yet again failed somehow when something we loved so much was dying long before they were supposed to.
And again, after years of planning and training we thought we had trained our dog so our boys could grow up knowing that kind of joy.
The house is filled with chaos,
yet it still feels strangely empty...
a feeling I was hoping was gone for a long time...

free time...

Not that I ever had much free time after Jack,

but now even that little much I MIGHT have had during a random nap or after bedtime is a distant memory...

even now I am typing with one hand and holding a screaming Declan in the other.

Motherhood is glorious:)

This week, Tim headed back to work and I quickly realized that this was going to get overwhelming pretty quickly. Someone once said the hardest jump is going from no kids to your first one. I have found this to be utter crap. Not only am a recovering from my 3rd c-section (which is not going well and is an entirely different story) I am also outnumbered most of the time. Newborns are demanding enough with feedings and diaper changes, pair that with my strong-willed Jack and it can be a chaotic scene around here rather quickly.

Thank God for sweatpants and my nasty bathrobe with pockets. At one time, this robe came from the most luxurious resort Southern California had to offer: The Montage Resort and Spa in Laguna Beach....I can assure you that is is anything but nowadays! My robe that is...not the hotel, which in my most trying moments I can escape to for a moment in my mind when I need a quick sanity check.

Being a stay at home mom is easily the HARDEST job I have ever had to do. Harder than dealing with rich clients at that luxury resort, harder than guiding a classroom full of children, harder than saying goodbye to my husband for a deployment to Iraq...But seeing my two healthy children together is precious to me and makes even those hardest days worth it. And how could you not want to eat up those two precious faces in the photos. The brotherly love is so sweet to watch...And Jack is quickly coming around (most of the time).

Sure. I live in sweatpants lately. Whatever. I also live in the woods with no one around to see me...If I still lived in SoCal I know I would feel a bit more ashamed. So to keep a higher standard for myself, today I didn't just put on any sweatpants. I pulled out my new Juicy Couture ones, still with tags and prided myself that only a month ago I couldn't even pull them over my huge thighs. They now fit. Here's to getting a little piece of the old Julie back:)

Introducing Declan Thomas

Getting ready to go home!

I can't believe our baby is over a week old already!

Declan Thomas was born according to plan on 11.11.11 at 11:58 am.

He has been an amazingly easy baby...

its Jack that has been keeping us on our toes this last week.

I am not surprised!

Declan sleeps all the time.

He hardly cries.

This is truly an easy baby so far.

And thank goodness because Jack is giving us a run for our money.

The kid is SLOWLY adjusting to having someone else around.

For right now, I'm doing good just putting up some pictures!

So thankful that he is here safe and sound!

The final countdown

Can it really be happening this week?!

I am in shock that we'll be driving to the hospital in just 3 days to meet our newest addition. In the meantime, I know that I have been meaning to get this blog updated...

and here is the truth,

I have typed out 3 blogs and then my computer won't let me post them.

I about had a nervous breakdown, so after taking a week break from attempting to post anything, this one is going to be short and sweet but with some photos.

The nursery is done.

It was super easy and fun and Tim and I really enjoyed doing a little bit each night.

And then there was Halloween,

which was also so much fun this year with Jack.

He was a goldfish and tolerated being paraded around like a champ. But of course, the photos of that won't download tonight...so there are after and before's of the nursery since I couldn't seem to get those in the right order either. These days, I pick my battles. Something is better than nothing, right?

So these last few days I have been spending a lot of time just being with Jack and enjoying our last few moments of 1 on 1 time. Reading and playing cars and doing puzzles...

because come Friday, our world is about to get rocked.

In a crazy good way:)

About that time...

This is the time in my pregnancy when I am about done...

except that I know my life is about to change into pure chaos,

so while I am ready to no longer be pregnant (the aches, pain and diabetes)

I am not yet ready to give up my 6+ hours of uninterrupted sleep at night.

Jack is crazy.

The kid is into everything. Walking. Opening doors. Stealing my phone...making huge messes. Normally this would not bother me.

But when we were at Walgreens the other day and he dropped 2 bags of cough drops on the floor on purpose I nearly burst into tears.

I can't bend over.

I can't pick things up off the floor.

I wanted to completely lose my mind...

and that is how I know I am ready to not be huge any more:)

But I am not yet ready for baby #3.

For the first time, I will have two children here with me.

I'm already a mother of 2 boys (soon to be 3) but I've never been able to hold more than one at a time...and they were years apart.

How is this going to work?

I'm excited yet scared and anxious. Even with having #3 here, I know our family won't feel complete. Jack will be a big brother. But he's never known being the little brother either.

Heavy stuff.

I've got a lot on my mind lately,

all while trying to keep up with Jack and get the new baby room ready.

We're also moving Jack's room to be by the new baby,

since moving out of this house won't be happening.

So I have 2 rooms to complete in just a matter of weeks.

It can be done.

Those are the easy things...

how do you explain about being a big brother to a 14 month old?

How do you prepare from going to having a single living child to two? All while focusing not on what could have or should have been and focusing instead of the living boys God has blessed us with?

The only constant in life is change.

But honestly, the only thing I wish I could change at the moment is to trade in my tired, exhausted body for someone with super-human strength...

'cause I could really use that right now:)

We are so excited for this new baby and to grow our family.

And as the leaves are starting to change

and the weather grows cooler,

I know its only a matter of weeks until we can finally meet him.

catch up

When I think about how far behind I've gotten in blogging,

it really blows my mind.

I used to write nearly every day when I began this as a hospital update over 3 years ago. And then after Will died, it was really my only outlet to deal with the incredible loss.

I cherish those entries...and looking back its crazy to see how far we have come in the last 3 years. Literally, I was on the brink of no hope. So devastated after losing Will just 3 months after I quit my job as a teacher in Southern California to start a new beginning in Michigan.

And then it was just wiped away.

I felt like I had lost everything,

and in a way...I really did.

But slowly, as days passed into weeks, which passed into months...I now sit here 3 years later with a 13 month old son and another healthy baby on the way who will be here in November.

And I feel so blessed.

Not just for my children,

but for everything along the journey.

I don't have time to blog like I used to.

But it is because of my little blessings that keep me busier than I have ever been in my life.

Sure, I miss writing like I used to.

But some day soon, the clinging little arms and whining will be all grown up...

and it will have gone so fast.

I would rather have this, then an empty (and clean!) house and hours to write because I have no one that needs me for hugs and naps and stories.

But in the meantime, I really do have to do at least one entry a week. Because I want to remember all of this too.

Life has finally found a new sense of normal.

It has taken a long time,

but there is always hope for better things to come if you have enough faith.

Even if at the time it seems only as big as a seed,

that is all it takes...

Jack's 1st Birthday

Jack's facial expression was so precious when everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to him!

Digging right in to his smash cake

Yummy Monkey Pops

Lots of treats!

Okay, so Jack's 1st birthday was nearly a month ago and I am just now getting around to writing about it...total slacker! Well, not really, I mean...a LOT has been going on around here but I did cheat just a little bit and change the post date to early August so it doesn't look so bad!

Jack's party turned out great. I know its probably not top on many people's list to go to a one year olds birthday party, but we are so grateful for the family and friends that made it over to celebrate with us. After all, I know Jack won't remember any of this, but truly...we have been waiting a LONG TIME to actually celebrate our child's birthday. And it was a time to celebrate...

I had a different theme all picked out and then once I got pregnant, I just didn't have the time or energy to go all out with it like I had wanted. So there is always next year. Instead, I found this super cute monkey theme on a website and they literally had everything I needed. So I took the path of least resistence! It turned out pretty cute. My addition was the monkey pop party favors, which after working all day on them Friday, turned out to taste just as good as they looked! Whew:)

Its hard to believe Jack is already one, and his little brother will be here in just a couple of short months. Three years ago exactly we were wondering just where our lives were headed without Will. We didn't have a whole lot of hope back then, but the shred of it I did have left...couldn't even have pictured how good we would have it now.

I'm so grateful and blessed.

Whirlwind

Jack's 1st Haircut

Visiting the bricks that Grandma & Grandpa had done in honor of Will in Rockford.

What a crazy time these past two weeks have been.

We made it through Will's 3rd Birthday and death anniversary

just looking towards the future and Jack's 1st Birthday to get us through.

This year was still difficult and being 23 weeks pregnant only made

me more emotional.

Then on July 21st my grandmother passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer's.

Even though I have been preparing for this for many years,

no matter what I might have thought, it still hit me hard.

I love my grandma,

she was the grandma I spent much time with growing up and knew the best.

So on Monday we had her funeral

and this week has felt like a roller coaster.

Again, death and birth all within a few days of each other.

And to think that just a few years ago July used to just be a completely boring month for our family!

But yesterday we celebrated Jack's 1st birthday with just the 3 of us.

He is such a good boy lately,

and I am loving him to pieces.

His big party is going to be Saturday and I am loving every minute of the preparations.

Its crazy and hectic,

but I have waited so long for this type of celebration.

My kids are going to grow up knowing just how special every year...every day...they are here on this earth really is.

As for me?

I'm looking forward to finally getting to party after all this mourning...

Its been a long time coming,

but so worth the wait.

How is Jack handling turning one?

He was a sport and was such a good boy for his 1st haircut...

we have had fun celebrating all the little "1st" this year has had to offer.

Will's 3rd Birthday

I remember every July so clearly since Will was born.

2008 being in the hospital and a huge storm whipping through the night before he was born.
2009 being so sucky as we were still grieving so hard and wondering why we couldn't get pregnant...
2010, being so darn hot and me about to explode in the heat...but determined NOT to have Jack born on his brother's birthday or the dreaded other day just 52 hours from now.
And here we are in 2011...surprisingly pregnant again, getting ready to celebrate Jack's 1st birthday in just 10 days.

This year I feel incredibly blessed,
but it doesn't take the sting of Will not being here away.
It still hurts.
But honestly, what hurts even worse is something that the passing of time brings...
the habit of forgetting.

Sure, I am planning a huge party for Jack.
But tomorrow I want to remember Will.
And we are supposed to get together with family, and some mentioned saving "time" and celebrating Jack's birthday early...

To me this is so hurtful.

I'm sure not intentional, but unfortunately we have a lot of family that rarely mentions our son, our grief and says things like "Oh yeah, we knew his birthday was around this time."

WHAT?!

And that is if they even say anything at all.
Hurtful because it is already an afterthought...
like he never existed.
And this is a battle every mother that has even lost a child has had to endure.
Because my heart won't even allow me to forget.

Happy 3rd Birthday, sweet Will.
Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like if you were still here...
what you would say,
what you would love to eat,
what you would love to play with...
and who you never got to become.

Your birthday changed daddy and me forever,
and we'll be better parents to your brothers because you were here first.
We love and miss you more than words can say...

And we are so grateful to our family and friends that are brave and strong enough to remember you...and who choose to remember, even though it isn't always easy.

3 for 3

So this is really late,

and I feel really bad about it...
but we had our 20 week ultrasound a couple of weeks ago.
I take for granted how easy it is just to post a one liner on Facebook anymore,
and that is about all the time I have lately because Jack is
INTO EVERYTHING!!

But we got word that he will have another partner in crime
in November...
A little brother to get into even more trouble with.

Tim and I were a little shocked that number 3 was another boy,
both of us feeling so blessed but wondering just how we would manage the chaos:)
But since they will only be 15 months apart,

I'm hoping they will be best buddies.

And the fact that we already are acquiring lots of boys things makes it super economical:)
I am so excited for this new little boy to join our family.
And from the look of the 3D images,
if I imagine in my head just right...
all 3 of my boys appear to have very similar features.

I'm just so thankful that everything is going well and he is healthy.
Now we play the name game...
and I am honestly out of boys names!

I promise to post the 3D pics of #3 as soon as I can get them downloaded:)

Where does the time go?!

I checked in on my blog and realized that I haven't posted anything for the entire month of June...what in the world is wrong with me?!

Oh yeah, I am pregnant and chasing after an 11 month old. Despite everything that we have been through, I have to confess that the other day we were driving and I told Tim that I was almost expecting something bad to happen again. I mean, the road with Jack hasn't been paved in gold, but he brings so much joy to our lives...and the past few months (now that I am past the morning sickness and such) things have been, well, good.

Do you realize that I thought I would NEVER be able to say that ever again after Will died??

I still have days where I cry, and miss him terribly. But the truth is, his death is just so much a part of me now that I carry it around without noticing it some days. Its always there, I always feel it...but I can now function and appear to others as if nothing ever happened.
Not sure if that is good or bad,
but that is what it is...

In a few days it will be July. Wednesday we find out if we are having a boy or girl. And somehow time just keeps moving forward. In just a few short weeks, Will would have been 3 years old. How did that happen? And how is Jack almost 1 already?

All I know, is that I enjoy every single day. Thus, the lack of blogs...I've just been too busy keeping up with my little monkey. But I want to write more, because one day, I'll want to look back and remember these good days, just as I continue to occasionally look back at my older blogs to remember the bad ones....

And say a huge prayer of thanks when I realize just how far we have come.

Lots of pictures...

So I know these are pictures from weeks ago...

but better late then never.
And this kid is keeping me so busy,
he is into everything!

I am seriously EXHAUSTED lately, but feeling good otherwise...
So that is my excuse for the lack of blogging.
Especially skipping his 9 month update.
So here is a short one:

Jack's current status...
6 teeth (which he uses to bite and chew everything...including my toe and his beautiful crib rail)
Loves food (especially ours)
Is finally on somewhat of a regular nap/sleep schedule (Thank you, God!!)
Loves to chase Sophie :) This never gets boring to watch
Is incredibly ticklish.

And overall, he just grows more fun each day...
I'm loving this age.
Hard to believe he'll be a year old soon!