Yesterday was tough. I was so frustrated, lonely, and upset that I just couldn't bring myself to write anything worth posting. I went to bed praying for things to get better. Which leads to today and last night's unanswered prayer.
I'll be honest. Today is no better than yesterday. Woke up fine. By 2:00 this afternoon I had already had the following:
1. Cramping (which wasn't a big deal but I mistakenly mentioned it to my doctor and he went a little overboard...okay, a LOT overboard)
2. My personal favorite: a pelvic exam looking for infection. I'm dialated 1 cm, which isn't a big deal. This whole thing was totally unnecessary and gave me extreme anxiety...something I really don't need extra of right now.
3. Lab came in and drew 4 viles of blood for various tests for infection and to prep me for an emergency c-section...that the doctor really didn't mention to me that he was planning for so soon.
4. I was hooked up to the monitor for over 2 hours with nothing to eat or drink while they watched as absolutely nothing happened.
I reached my limit today. When the nurse came in to start an IV that the Dr. requested I refused to let her do it. I couldn't believe what happened just by me mentioning that I was cramping a bit. From now on, I'll be keeping such information to myself unless its really something worth talking about. GOOD GRIEF! Thank goodness for my awesome nurses that are quickly growing into my good friends. They assured me that if this happens again, we'll wait it out for more than a half hour before telling the doctor...sounds like a great plan to me. They all agreed that what happened was not the best course of action to take, they also blamed it on the fact that I have never complained of anything so now when I do open my mouth its like a code red. If it weren't for them right now, I would be totally losing my mind, but they have been so great.
Anways, I am happy to go to sleep tonight and hope that these last two days can be put behind me. I am eagerly awaiting Tim to get home on Friday and then I won't be so hesitant if anything does happen. But Will has got to stay put until then!
The small victory of today? I learned how to poke my own finger for blood sugar tests...sounds insignificant, but it is actually very nice not waiting for something else to click the needle into my finger. Its easier to deal with now, thank goodness...all I've been praying for is that something eases up for us soon, and for today...I'll take this.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Day 17
I should have titled this blog "wheelchairs"...
Today was pretty uneventful, just like the past 16 or so days that have already passed. My daily excitement being my wheelchair ride. The weather today was perfect: not a cloud in the sky, a cool breeze, and just plain beautiful...I was aching to go out there all day.
My mom stopped by with some much needed clean clothes and took me for a ride outside. There is one thing I now know...I really don't like being pushed around in a wheelchair. Love going outside, hate the fact that I have to be pushed out there. Here is why: no matter who does the pushing...Tim, my nurses, my mom...people always run me into things. At first I would laugh, but now I am scarred and nearly jump out of my skin whenever I hit something. I've been run into doorways, walls, the revolving door, the curb, corners, even my bed...its kind of like riding in the car without a seat belt, the chair stops but my body keeps moving. I get jolted and grab my belly trying to shield Will from bouncing all around and making me go into labor...
The wheelchair for me is now a death trap. One of my nurses hit an uneven patch on the sidewalk while we were crossing the street and nearly dumped me into oncoming traffic (that day I laughed and didn't care..telling her to do it right next time and put me out of my misery...Just kidding).
I did get special visitors today that really were the highlight, Chris and Tom stopped by for a surprise visit with their kids. We all worked together in high school, that sadly doesn't seem like that long ago even though its been, gulp, 10 years! It is so great to see people that I haven't seen for a long time. If one good thing has come out of this, I have gotten to cross paths again with many great people from my past...which is an awesome thing. And for that I am grateful.
So here I sit again, on a Saturday night thinking about everything and watching another storm roll in over the city sky line. My thoughts are sometimes on how different it could be right now, especially if I were still teaching my 5th graders. Its the last week of school this coming week at A.V.C.S. and I've been thinking about all my students and how as nutty as it was, I miss that chaos. I miss the daily countdown with the other teachers in the lounge as we were all ready to pull out our hair. I miss the craziness of kids excited for field day and pool parties and the last day of school. Because my life is way, way too quiet right now.
I am trying to heed my mother's advice though...that once Will's little feet make their debut in this world, nothing will ever be the same. And these may be the last quiet days I get for many, many years and that I should try to enjoy them...I can only hope and pray that she is right.
Today was pretty uneventful, just like the past 16 or so days that have already passed. My daily excitement being my wheelchair ride. The weather today was perfect: not a cloud in the sky, a cool breeze, and just plain beautiful...I was aching to go out there all day.
My mom stopped by with some much needed clean clothes and took me for a ride outside. There is one thing I now know...I really don't like being pushed around in a wheelchair. Love going outside, hate the fact that I have to be pushed out there. Here is why: no matter who does the pushing...Tim, my nurses, my mom...people always run me into things. At first I would laugh, but now I am scarred and nearly jump out of my skin whenever I hit something. I've been run into doorways, walls, the revolving door, the curb, corners, even my bed...its kind of like riding in the car without a seat belt, the chair stops but my body keeps moving. I get jolted and grab my belly trying to shield Will from bouncing all around and making me go into labor...
The wheelchair for me is now a death trap. One of my nurses hit an uneven patch on the sidewalk while we were crossing the street and nearly dumped me into oncoming traffic (that day I laughed and didn't care..telling her to do it right next time and put me out of my misery...Just kidding).
I did get special visitors today that really were the highlight, Chris and Tom stopped by for a surprise visit with their kids. We all worked together in high school, that sadly doesn't seem like that long ago even though its been, gulp, 10 years! It is so great to see people that I haven't seen for a long time. If one good thing has come out of this, I have gotten to cross paths again with many great people from my past...which is an awesome thing. And for that I am grateful.
So here I sit again, on a Saturday night thinking about everything and watching another storm roll in over the city sky line. My thoughts are sometimes on how different it could be right now, especially if I were still teaching my 5th graders. Its the last week of school this coming week at A.V.C.S. and I've been thinking about all my students and how as nutty as it was, I miss that chaos. I miss the daily countdown with the other teachers in the lounge as we were all ready to pull out our hair. I miss the craziness of kids excited for field day and pool parties and the last day of school. Because my life is way, way too quiet right now.
I am trying to heed my mother's advice though...that once Will's little feet make their debut in this world, nothing will ever be the same. And these may be the last quiet days I get for many, many years and that I should try to enjoy them...I can only hope and pray that she is right.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Day 16
What is it with Fridays?
I woke up this morning just feeling funny again. As I laid there, my stomach attached to the monitor listening to Will's heartbeat, I just started thinking...what is to come of it all? Some days, I feel like I am standing in front of a closed door. I can't open it yet, because it isn't time, but I can still wonder what is on the other side.
Will it be something that allows me to be happy again or will it be a monster lurking, like in the horror movies?
Will I look back and think how stupid I was to have so much hope, or realize that I didn't have enough?
Who knows. I don't have a crystal ball. This is one time I really wish that I did. And I wish that things could be different. It is hard to watch life go by my window and not be a part of it. To see cars go by and wonder why I can't be having a wonderful pregnancy like all my friends. I should be enjoying this new Michigan life that we have waited years to have...enjoying my dog, our new house, preparing for Will's new life.
I'll be honest in saying that I really feel cheated right now. Cheated out of so many things other than just a healthy, joyous pregnancy. The weather has been a good indicator of my emotions...overcast with sudden downpours, then sunshine. Very unpredictable and beautiful at the same time. And of course, some days are better than others. This day is just hard...and then I read your notes, prayers, and emails and it gives me that extra shove that I need so desperately in here.
I came across this poem in my devotion today that pretty much sums it up:
Is it raining little flower?
Be glad of the rain;
Too much sun would wither thee;
'Twill shine again.
The clouds are very black, 'tis true;
But just behind them shines the blue.
Art thou weary, tender heart?
Be glad of pain;
In sorrow sweetest virtues grow,
As flowers in rain.
God watches, and thou wilt have sun,
when clouds their perfect work have done.
Lucy Larcom
I woke up this morning just feeling funny again. As I laid there, my stomach attached to the monitor listening to Will's heartbeat, I just started thinking...what is to come of it all? Some days, I feel like I am standing in front of a closed door. I can't open it yet, because it isn't time, but I can still wonder what is on the other side.
Will it be something that allows me to be happy again or will it be a monster lurking, like in the horror movies?
Will I look back and think how stupid I was to have so much hope, or realize that I didn't have enough?
Who knows. I don't have a crystal ball. This is one time I really wish that I did. And I wish that things could be different. It is hard to watch life go by my window and not be a part of it. To see cars go by and wonder why I can't be having a wonderful pregnancy like all my friends. I should be enjoying this new Michigan life that we have waited years to have...enjoying my dog, our new house, preparing for Will's new life.
I'll be honest in saying that I really feel cheated right now. Cheated out of so many things other than just a healthy, joyous pregnancy. The weather has been a good indicator of my emotions...overcast with sudden downpours, then sunshine. Very unpredictable and beautiful at the same time. And of course, some days are better than others. This day is just hard...and then I read your notes, prayers, and emails and it gives me that extra shove that I need so desperately in here.
I came across this poem in my devotion today that pretty much sums it up:
Is it raining little flower?
Be glad of the rain;
Too much sun would wither thee;
'Twill shine again.
The clouds are very black, 'tis true;
But just behind them shines the blue.
Art thou weary, tender heart?
Be glad of pain;
In sorrow sweetest virtues grow,
As flowers in rain.
God watches, and thou wilt have sun,
when clouds their perfect work have done.
Lucy Larcom
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Day 15
The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind...in a great way.
My step-sis, Heidi, drove up from Toledo yesterday afternoon to keep me some company while Tim is away. I was grateful for the company and the laughs. She spoiled me with a backrub and pedicure, both of which I am extremely grateful for. Who knew if you laid in bed all day/every day your back would get tons of knots?!? Anyways, she spent the night at the hospital and then volunteered to go shopping for me at the mall and grab me some much needed lounge wear/pajamas. It was great to have her surprise me and pick out some new things. I've been washing and wearing the same things for over 2 weeks and its getting old.
We took some pictures (including one of my count down chain) which I will try to post again. I can't get them to post from my Mac right now. Shocker.
After she left I had some dinner which made my blood sugar spike again. Still trying to get this whole diabetes thing right. Its hard! For those of you who know me, know that I have zero self-control and love food...so this is pretty much torture. Yesterday my doctor came in for his daily visit and got after me because I haven't gained any weight since I've been here. What?!?!
I told him, "That's what happens when you take away a girl's ability to visit the McDonalds drive thru on a daily basis..."
Shoot. What does he expect? I hate the food here and can't eat carbs unless they are counted out for me, and even then it still gets jacked up. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised and shocked at that news though, because all I do is eat. Seriously.
After dinner I had two more visitors...my mother-in-law and also Brian stopped by. So its been great to have so many people visiting. Takes me mind off all the other stuff. I can't believe tomorrow is Friday and Tim will be back in a week. YAY!
No other real medical news. Baby is growing and moving. He's had the hiccups throughout the week, which is actually very strange to feel, but I love it and cherish each day with him. Tomorrow I get to rip off another ring on the chain....Week 27 officially begins. That marks 10 weeks since all the complications began. At times I still can't believe all that is happening and how far we have already come...
My step-sis, Heidi, drove up from Toledo yesterday afternoon to keep me some company while Tim is away. I was grateful for the company and the laughs. She spoiled me with a backrub and pedicure, both of which I am extremely grateful for. Who knew if you laid in bed all day/every day your back would get tons of knots?!? Anyways, she spent the night at the hospital and then volunteered to go shopping for me at the mall and grab me some much needed lounge wear/pajamas. It was great to have her surprise me and pick out some new things. I've been washing and wearing the same things for over 2 weeks and its getting old.
We took some pictures (including one of my count down chain) which I will try to post again. I can't get them to post from my Mac right now. Shocker.
After she left I had some dinner which made my blood sugar spike again. Still trying to get this whole diabetes thing right. Its hard! For those of you who know me, know that I have zero self-control and love food...so this is pretty much torture. Yesterday my doctor came in for his daily visit and got after me because I haven't gained any weight since I've been here. What?!?!
I told him, "That's what happens when you take away a girl's ability to visit the McDonalds drive thru on a daily basis..."
Shoot. What does he expect? I hate the food here and can't eat carbs unless they are counted out for me, and even then it still gets jacked up. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised and shocked at that news though, because all I do is eat. Seriously.
After dinner I had two more visitors...my mother-in-law and also Brian stopped by. So its been great to have so many people visiting. Takes me mind off all the other stuff. I can't believe tomorrow is Friday and Tim will be back in a week. YAY!
No other real medical news. Baby is growing and moving. He's had the hiccups throughout the week, which is actually very strange to feel, but I love it and cherish each day with him. Tomorrow I get to rip off another ring on the chain....Week 27 officially begins. That marks 10 weeks since all the complications began. At times I still can't believe all that is happening and how far we have already come...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Day 13
Started today with the good' ol blood sugar test, getting the finger poked first thing in the morning is something I will have to get used to, followed with my stinging shot to my belly. At least I had my favorite nurse this morning and we were laughing because she didn't warn me before sticking me with the needle and I about jumped out of bed...which scared her too.
Did the regular routine: took my medicine, answered the nurses questions, had the baby monitored, ate breakfast, saw the doctor, got my finger poked again (had a high number which wasn't good), the social worker came in to talk and make sure I wasn't going looney tunes...then the highlight of each of my days...taking a shower. I know its pretty exciting stuff, I can hardly contain myself most days:)
Tim and I continued to play phone tag. I think we've talked a whopping 5 minutes total since he left on Sunday. Totally not cool given the situation, but I am dealing with it. Its not his choice, just the crappy situation we're in. My daily prayer is that Will stays put at least until his daddy gets home.
This afternoon the nurses took me for my outdoor wheelchair walk, which is always interesting. We always laugh as they try to push me down the bumpy sidewalks, and somehow we always seem to be going uphill...which gives them a great work out. I hate being pushed around, but they won't let me walk anywhere, I don't complain though, its just so nice to get outside for a few minutes. Today is the first gorgeous day since I have been in here, it was hard to have to go back inside.
It was a very typical day for me, hard to believe that tomorrow is the two week mark...two whole weeks in the hospital. I still can't get over it. With each day I wonder how many more there will be...
Did the regular routine: took my medicine, answered the nurses questions, had the baby monitored, ate breakfast, saw the doctor, got my finger poked again (had a high number which wasn't good), the social worker came in to talk and make sure I wasn't going looney tunes...then the highlight of each of my days...taking a shower. I know its pretty exciting stuff, I can hardly contain myself most days:)
Tim and I continued to play phone tag. I think we've talked a whopping 5 minutes total since he left on Sunday. Totally not cool given the situation, but I am dealing with it. Its not his choice, just the crappy situation we're in. My daily prayer is that Will stays put at least until his daddy gets home.
This afternoon the nurses took me for my outdoor wheelchair walk, which is always interesting. We always laugh as they try to push me down the bumpy sidewalks, and somehow we always seem to be going uphill...which gives them a great work out. I hate being pushed around, but they won't let me walk anywhere, I don't complain though, its just so nice to get outside for a few minutes. Today is the first gorgeous day since I have been in here, it was hard to have to go back inside.
It was a very typical day for me, hard to believe that tomorrow is the two week mark...two whole weeks in the hospital. I still can't get over it. With each day I wonder how many more there will be...
Monday, June 9, 2008
Day 12
Today I borrowed a laptop from the hospital to see if my "problems" with the internet could be blamed on my Mac...for some reason I cannot enter my blog, email, or ebay on my personal computer. Go figure. At least I am able to get into everything with their computer, so it should be interesting trying to figure out how to fix that little problem.
I feel so behind in updates because I wasn't able to update everything over the weekend. I have been making due with my diet changes and dealing with getting my fingers poked 4 times a day. I really feel for diabetic people. Chalk that up as one more thing I can relate to now. It actually hurts, so needless to say with that and then my shots, I am getting really sick of people poking and hurting me and I haven't even thought about the C-section yet to come...yikes. Saturday was not a good day at all after they told me, and besides, I had a blood sugar level crash after the test and it completely wiped me out. After Tim left for the night, I completely fell apart.
I had a little discussion with God (I did most of the talking) and I told him how disappointed I was with everything that was going on. That I was mad and I didn't understand what to do or how to handle everything any more. Because let's face it; He's really been dishing it to me lately. Not only am I dealing with the emotional aspect of all the possibilities that lay ahead, I am hurting physically, and we are getting hit financially as well. No one should be laying in a hospital bed, unable to work, and then have to open bills from something that isn't even finished yet. It takes a huge leap of faith to hope that insurance is handling everything and that two months from now I won't open the mailbox and get a bill for $20,000. Those are some of the other things weighing on our minds besides Will and his outcome.
Of course, as I sat there and just spilled everything out, a storm raged outside. Very fitting. The lightening lit up my room and I could feel the thunder through my body, it fit exactly how I felt. But after I cried and yelled, I started to feel at peace again. And just like the storm, my anger slowly calmed. I had reached my limit and I told God exactly that. It was a release. The next day I woke up to sunshine and know that this too shall pass. My storm isn't over yet, it may not be over for a long time...but I know it won't last forever. I have faith that this too shall pass.
So today, I decided to entertain myself by making a paper chain (like kids make as a countdown for Christmas) that starts from today, Week 26 Day 3, and goes to Week 34.
It took FOREVER...so much for that great idea. Once I got all those rings put together I just stared dumbly at it, realizing how many days I could be in this room. Good grief. And the positive? At least it took nearly a day to create, one more day down!
So I'll end with one of my favorite prayers:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."
I feel so behind in updates because I wasn't able to update everything over the weekend. I have been making due with my diet changes and dealing with getting my fingers poked 4 times a day. I really feel for diabetic people. Chalk that up as one more thing I can relate to now. It actually hurts, so needless to say with that and then my shots, I am getting really sick of people poking and hurting me and I haven't even thought about the C-section yet to come...yikes. Saturday was not a good day at all after they told me, and besides, I had a blood sugar level crash after the test and it completely wiped me out. After Tim left for the night, I completely fell apart.
I had a little discussion with God (I did most of the talking) and I told him how disappointed I was with everything that was going on. That I was mad and I didn't understand what to do or how to handle everything any more. Because let's face it; He's really been dishing it to me lately. Not only am I dealing with the emotional aspect of all the possibilities that lay ahead, I am hurting physically, and we are getting hit financially as well. No one should be laying in a hospital bed, unable to work, and then have to open bills from something that isn't even finished yet. It takes a huge leap of faith to hope that insurance is handling everything and that two months from now I won't open the mailbox and get a bill for $20,000. Those are some of the other things weighing on our minds besides Will and his outcome.
Of course, as I sat there and just spilled everything out, a storm raged outside. Very fitting. The lightening lit up my room and I could feel the thunder through my body, it fit exactly how I felt. But after I cried and yelled, I started to feel at peace again. And just like the storm, my anger slowly calmed. I had reached my limit and I told God exactly that. It was a release. The next day I woke up to sunshine and know that this too shall pass. My storm isn't over yet, it may not be over for a long time...but I know it won't last forever. I have faith that this too shall pass.
So today, I decided to entertain myself by making a paper chain (like kids make as a countdown for Christmas) that starts from today, Week 26 Day 3, and goes to Week 34.
It took FOREVER...so much for that great idea. Once I got all those rings put together I just stared dumbly at it, realizing how many days I could be in this room. Good grief. And the positive? At least it took nearly a day to create, one more day down!
So I'll end with one of my favorite prayers:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."
Sunday, June 8, 2008
One more thing...
There is so much that I want to type and add to this blog. But for some reason, it just won't let me type and post the way it used to. I have been praying that this one thing gets fixed.
Just know that many things have happened over the last few days that I have wanted to share and write about. I am hanging in there, although this resembles more of a roller coaster ride than anything else. Writing brings me peace and also allows me to document this whole thing, which I want to be able to look back on and be able to truly remember what was overcome.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
