Ah, where do I begin?
I keep hoping for some awesome thing to happen so I can rant and rave about how our life has taken a turn for the better and then I can be somewhat inspiring to all the devoted blog readers out there. Sorry, today that isn't going to happen...
Went to bed way too late last night. Played lots of UNO with my guests. All anyone needs to know is that I won the last two games. I was so wound up that after the Mellotts left, I talked my nurse into taking me up to the nursery where some of my other new nurse friends were taking care of babies. Does that mean I have been here too long when I start to personally know others working on other floors???? Yes, I will have been here 7 WEEKS on Wednesday. Anyways, I didn't roll into bed until well after midnight.
Woke up this morning with VERY sore hip joints (like I'd been horseback riding for the entire weekend). I guess my bones are now getting soft and the joints are starting to somewhat separate. Went to the bathroom only to find another bout of blood. Told my nurse. The doctor squad showed up, told me I needed my favorite: a spec exam. Totally pitched a fit and started to cry. Actually, I was crying and being such a big baby I was laughing at the same time. For those of you that know me, you can totally picture this. The woman drawing blood asked if I was a Marine. Go figure that I was sporting my USMC t-shirt and being the biggest wimp. I looked at her and laughed..."no, obviously I'm just married to one, he would be so embarrassed if he saw me carrying on like this right now." They all laughed. I continued to cry and act as if she was going to cut off my arm instead of draw blood.
Yes, so I laid there with my blanket over my head (still crying like an idiot) half hoping to be dialated so this whole circus would just end. No such luck. The rest of the morning was a blur of tears, frustration, and random nurses coming in and giving me hugs. That is how close I have gotten to many of them...they were crying and telling me how sorry they were that this whole thing just sucks so bad. It felt good to know that I am not crazy for thinking that myself.
Then for the shocking moment, I got up after it all to take a shower and get cleaned up (I was so worked up I looked like I had just run a marathon...my shirt was soaking wet) and felt something strange...my fluid must have built back up over the weekend because I haven't been leaking the past few days. It all came out...all over the bed. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Part of me saw hope because Will had been floating around the past few days, and then part of me was upset and thinking that all the poking around had caused the baby to shift and let that precious fluid leak out once again.
Got cleaned up. Composed myself. Called Tim to update him. Started crying all over again, so did he. I think today marked the day when all the stress and worry and unknowns came crashing down with force, on both of us. I fell asleep after lunch and woke up to him walking through my door. Imagine my surprise and relief because normally I don't see him until after 9 pm. We spent the afternoon talking about everything to come and our fears, crying, and just what we need to do to get through this...whatever "this" may end up being.
I don't know much right now, but I do know that is was great to spend some time together and talk about things. We made it back to the NICU tonight and saw a 31 week baby. That was a positive today, because the last baby we saw was around 25 weeks and left us terrified. I'm thanking God every day that we are past that point.
So tired now, hoping and praying that one day soon will be so wonderful...it will shock us all.
I know God hears me, he's just waiting to answer...
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Sunday Blues
This weekend went pretty fast. Only one more weekend to go.
God willing, two weeks from today I will be home...that makes me happier than anything...and its hard to believe at the same time.
Friday night Tim & Sophie spent the night. Soph kept me company while Tim put in a full day at the office Saturday and then took her home to meet up with our SoCal company, the Mellotts.
Saturday night, Tim returned with Laura, John, & the boys...so GREAT to see them! They also brought in pizza (even better), so we had an awesome time visiting. I can honestly say it was the best Saturday night I've had since I can remember. Their visit is perfect timing, it will help me hang on this last week and distract me from lays ahead. I wish they could just stay forever... :) As the sun was setting, Tim & I showed them around the old houses of Heritage Hill that surround the hospital. We laughed because the kids had never chased fireflies (or even seen them before)...and I was worried that they would be bored! That distracted them for the entire walk.
Today, I was again brought an outside meal (an absolute blessing since this hospital food really is making me sick to my stomach now) when everyone arrived at lunch, and we all took a stroll outside. Today was perfect as far as Michigan weather goes, making it really hard to know that everyone is hanging out at the house this afternoon and evening. I so long to be there with our friends, Tim, and Sophie. I know I'll be home soon enough, but not in time to enjoy our friends the way I had hoped to.
Nothing much else is going on. Just trying to hang in there as the day gets closer, I can't believe we'll be meeting Will in just over a week. My emotions are going crazy. One moment I'm so excited I can't stand it, the next I'm scared to death. The unknown is the scariest. Every night I pray for a miracle that we are about to get the biggest blessing of our lives...not too much longer before we find out.
Thank you to all of you that continue to support us with your thoughts and prayers, it is truly a blessing which we will need more than ever in the upcoming days.
God willing, two weeks from today I will be home...that makes me happier than anything...and its hard to believe at the same time.
Friday night Tim & Sophie spent the night. Soph kept me company while Tim put in a full day at the office Saturday and then took her home to meet up with our SoCal company, the Mellotts.
Saturday night, Tim returned with Laura, John, & the boys...so GREAT to see them! They also brought in pizza (even better), so we had an awesome time visiting. I can honestly say it was the best Saturday night I've had since I can remember. Their visit is perfect timing, it will help me hang on this last week and distract me from lays ahead. I wish they could just stay forever... :) As the sun was setting, Tim & I showed them around the old houses of Heritage Hill that surround the hospital. We laughed because the kids had never chased fireflies (or even seen them before)...and I was worried that they would be bored! That distracted them for the entire walk.
Today, I was again brought an outside meal (an absolute blessing since this hospital food really is making me sick to my stomach now) when everyone arrived at lunch, and we all took a stroll outside. Today was perfect as far as Michigan weather goes, making it really hard to know that everyone is hanging out at the house this afternoon and evening. I so long to be there with our friends, Tim, and Sophie. I know I'll be home soon enough, but not in time to enjoy our friends the way I had hoped to.
Nothing much else is going on. Just trying to hang in there as the day gets closer, I can't believe we'll be meeting Will in just over a week. My emotions are going crazy. One moment I'm so excited I can't stand it, the next I'm scared to death. The unknown is the scariest. Every night I pray for a miracle that we are about to get the biggest blessing of our lives...not too much longer before we find out.
Thank you to all of you that continue to support us with your thoughts and prayers, it is truly a blessing which we will need more than ever in the upcoming days.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
emotional wreck
Haven't written in a few days because I really don't know what to say...or how to say it. I'm torn between writing how I really feel and then also just blowing things off like I usually do. Also, the last few days have just been plain hard...
Now I realize that pregnant women get emotional, but it never really hit me that hard until this week. At least that is what I am hoping is my problem. Add the crazy hormones, plus the time spent in this room and what you get is a complete mess of a person. That would be me.
I can't get a grip...and realized just how bad it was when I looked at my breakfast tray and saw they messed it up again by forgetting one of my sacred carbs and putting nasty eggs on top of the one piece of french toast they did remember. So I started to cry. Good grief.
Now, after my last posting the neonatologist stopped by for another consult. He slipped out a number of the chest measurements from the ultrasound that everyone else failed to mention (they didn't want to upset me). On all the other ultrasounds, Will has had a chest circumference in the 20th percentile...which isn't too bad. Yesterdays number dropped down to the 5th percentile, which is terrible.
I'm trying to still keep positive and faithful that God has a plan. But I won't lie, it is such a challenge to see the glass as half full at the moment. So many things have gone so badly since we moved home, I don't know or understand why all this had to fall on us so quickly. This is not how I wanted to start this new chapter in our lives. I look around at all the other women on this floor...addicted to drugs, smoking, not even 18, completely incapable of taking care of a child...and yet they go home with babies. Where is God in that?
The doctors are now prepping me that this whole hospital stay may have been a futile effort, but end with saying that at least we know we did everything possible to give him a fighting chance. "We didn't do anything"...is what I think. This has been up to God the entire time and it still is.
I'm not giving up on Will that easy...because until he comes out and we all see what is actually going on, its not over yet.
Now I realize that pregnant women get emotional, but it never really hit me that hard until this week. At least that is what I am hoping is my problem. Add the crazy hormones, plus the time spent in this room and what you get is a complete mess of a person. That would be me.
I can't get a grip...and realized just how bad it was when I looked at my breakfast tray and saw they messed it up again by forgetting one of my sacred carbs and putting nasty eggs on top of the one piece of french toast they did remember. So I started to cry. Good grief.
Now, after my last posting the neonatologist stopped by for another consult. He slipped out a number of the chest measurements from the ultrasound that everyone else failed to mention (they didn't want to upset me). On all the other ultrasounds, Will has had a chest circumference in the 20th percentile...which isn't too bad. Yesterdays number dropped down to the 5th percentile, which is terrible.
I'm trying to still keep positive and faithful that God has a plan. But I won't lie, it is such a challenge to see the glass as half full at the moment. So many things have gone so badly since we moved home, I don't know or understand why all this had to fall on us so quickly. This is not how I wanted to start this new chapter in our lives. I look around at all the other women on this floor...addicted to drugs, smoking, not even 18, completely incapable of taking care of a child...and yet they go home with babies. Where is God in that?
The doctors are now prepping me that this whole hospital stay may have been a futile effort, but end with saying that at least we know we did everything possible to give him a fighting chance. "We didn't do anything"...is what I think. This has been up to God the entire time and it still is.
I'm not giving up on Will that easy...because until he comes out and we all see what is actually going on, its not over yet.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Two weeks...
Final ultrasound was this morning. I had a different technician who wasn't too chatty and didn't really say much. So I was annoying and made sure to ask lots of questions...I'm pretty sure I bugged her but I don't care, this was scheduled to be the highlight of my day and I was going to take advantage. Besides, I'm sick of people not telling me anything.
This is what I do know: He is 2 lbs 13 oz. There isn't any fluid, although he was practicing what they call "fetal breathing" which I was told is an extra bonus for us. This doesn't promise anything, but it can be taken as a good sign as he is practicing the motions of breathing inside the womb. I'm not getting my hopes up though, the doctor is still being extremely somber. Its hard to read the doctors here sometimes, they like to joke around with me, but when talking about the baby they have never given any hope or a slip of false hope. So I don't know what to think.
Yesterday was a much better & interesting day. I had lots of fun visitors who brought me awesome food. Thanks again Beth, Chris, & Kristy for visiting me!!! I wish every day could go that fast...I was wiped out by the afternoon and still perplexed by a home movie Beth brought of a cruise we all went on back when I was 18 years old. All I can say is that I have not laughed that hard in a long time, and it was a great release to escape back even if it was only for 10 minutes. Makes me want to take more pictures and videos of things now...It was a good blast from the past moment:)
This is what I do know: He is 2 lbs 13 oz. There isn't any fluid, although he was practicing what they call "fetal breathing" which I was told is an extra bonus for us. This doesn't promise anything, but it can be taken as a good sign as he is practicing the motions of breathing inside the womb. I'm not getting my hopes up though, the doctor is still being extremely somber. Its hard to read the doctors here sometimes, they like to joke around with me, but when talking about the baby they have never given any hope or a slip of false hope. So I don't know what to think.
Yesterday was a much better & interesting day. I had lots of fun visitors who brought me awesome food. Thanks again Beth, Chris, & Kristy for visiting me!!! I wish every day could go that fast...I was wiped out by the afternoon and still perplexed by a home movie Beth brought of a cruise we all went on back when I was 18 years old. All I can say is that I have not laughed that hard in a long time, and it was a great release to escape back even if it was only for 10 minutes. Makes me want to take more pictures and videos of things now...It was a good blast from the past moment:)
Monday, July 7, 2008
16 days to go?
Tim & I have really been talking a lot of what is to come. I guess its starting to hit us as the day draws closer and we are both reeling from a string of emotions. Similar to a deployment, the stress is there and its best to talk about it rather than act like nothing is about to happen. We were both pretty broken down over the weekend and then we got just what we needed.
We never watch TV (don't even have cable at home) and last night Extreme Home Makeover was on...who did they feature? A Marine. Perfect...Tim and I were glued to the TV for two hours. It was the swift kick in the pants we both needed. I realized that we have somehow gotten away from the life lessons we learned while being around Marines and I am absolutely ashamed of that. We have made it through so many things, why face this situation with any less resolve? Moving away from Camp Pendleton was needed to move on in life, but I miss the constant reminder of all that we have overcome by being in the presence of greatness. Marines provide that. Being in the midst of that community, there is always someone so much worse off than you...and I'm not talking about stupid things most people gripe about like needing a vacation or working long hours...no, things like death, divorce, babies dying and the wife doing it all alone...dads never coming home. Things that people actually have a right to complain about...but surprisingly they don't...and so neither will I.
My biggest fear?
Losing my perspective and becoming like so many others who complain when they have a life full of blessings...focusing on what has been lost instead of what stands to be gained. It is a hard line we are walking and its easy to want to give in and get down...but last night was a comforting reminder of where we have been, and that will help us to get where we now need to go.
Today started with a fresh outlook. I can only pray that it continues...it did. This afternoon I had a great visit with a sorority sister I haven't seen in a year. Thanks for visiting and bringing the awesome lunch, Beth!!!
God works in mysterious ways. When all seems to be lost he sends someone or something who helps me keep going. It is such a blessing to be back in an area where I can see old friends who help to bring us up in such a difficult time. Now if going through this experience means that I can help someone in the future cope with something similar, I believe that it is worth it...
We never watch TV (don't even have cable at home) and last night Extreme Home Makeover was on...who did they feature? A Marine. Perfect...Tim and I were glued to the TV for two hours. It was the swift kick in the pants we both needed. I realized that we have somehow gotten away from the life lessons we learned while being around Marines and I am absolutely ashamed of that. We have made it through so many things, why face this situation with any less resolve? Moving away from Camp Pendleton was needed to move on in life, but I miss the constant reminder of all that we have overcome by being in the presence of greatness. Marines provide that. Being in the midst of that community, there is always someone so much worse off than you...and I'm not talking about stupid things most people gripe about like needing a vacation or working long hours...no, things like death, divorce, babies dying and the wife doing it all alone...dads never coming home. Things that people actually have a right to complain about...but surprisingly they don't...and so neither will I.
My biggest fear?
Losing my perspective and becoming like so many others who complain when they have a life full of blessings...focusing on what has been lost instead of what stands to be gained. It is a hard line we are walking and its easy to want to give in and get down...but last night was a comforting reminder of where we have been, and that will help us to get where we now need to go.
Today started with a fresh outlook. I can only pray that it continues...it did. This afternoon I had a great visit with a sorority sister I haven't seen in a year. Thanks for visiting and bringing the awesome lunch, Beth!!!
God works in mysterious ways. When all seems to be lost he sends someone or something who helps me keep going. It is such a blessing to be back in an area where I can see old friends who help to bring us up in such a difficult time. Now if going through this experience means that I can help someone in the future cope with something similar, I believe that it is worth it...
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Holiday weekend
What a beautiful weekend for weather here, makes it tough to enjoy the holiday weekend looking through a window and wanting to be outside. At times I find a little person in my head saying, "Okay, now repeat after me...I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life..." But then again I'm pretty sure everyone has those moments, I'll just admit it in writing. Please note that as I type this I have a smile on my face, because I think its actually funny. I'm amazed they haven't had to check me into the psych ward yet. Don't ask me how I keep sane, because I swear I'm going to lose my mind any moment...
A huge thank you to Tim & Jessi who sent the most awesome flower arrangement shaped like an ice cream cone, it could not have come at a better time. I took a pic of it and tried to download it, but it just won't work. So forgive me for not posting more pics on this blog, its not possible while I'm on the hospital's server. Anyways, you guys are so creative because I have never seen anything like it, I love it!
Last night, Tim and I got ready to go watch the fireworks downtown, I asked him if we should have the nurses take our picture...we haven't taken any pics since we've been in Michigan, and we were decked out with festive glow sticks...We both kind of looked at each other and laughed. Its pretty bad when you don't want a picture of something, because this is one 4th neither one of us cares to remember. Tim wheeled me down to the park at the end of the street and we watched the fireworks. I got more entertainment from watching all the weirdos that were out and about. I am constantly shocked at how many people I see around this place with no teeth...at least that is one thing I can safely say IS going for me...
To follow up with my last post, the bleeding has decreased over the last day or so and I have made it to my personal goal of 30 weeks. Anything from this point forward is a bonus in my book. Will is really squirmy and moves a lot. I love it. Last night when the fireworks got really loud he got the hiccups again...too funny. As soon as the fireworks were done, he stopped.
Not too much else to write, as I am lacking things that have inspired me lately. I miss my house, the woods, heathly food, having a life, and overall just taking care of things. In two more weeks or so, things should start coming around. I know Tim will be thrilled once he no longer has to do it all...In the meantime, I say a prayer every night that we don't end up in the psych ward together...
A huge thank you to Tim & Jessi who sent the most awesome flower arrangement shaped like an ice cream cone, it could not have come at a better time. I took a pic of it and tried to download it, but it just won't work. So forgive me for not posting more pics on this blog, its not possible while I'm on the hospital's server. Anyways, you guys are so creative because I have never seen anything like it, I love it!
Last night, Tim and I got ready to go watch the fireworks downtown, I asked him if we should have the nurses take our picture...we haven't taken any pics since we've been in Michigan, and we were decked out with festive glow sticks...We both kind of looked at each other and laughed. Its pretty bad when you don't want a picture of something, because this is one 4th neither one of us cares to remember. Tim wheeled me down to the park at the end of the street and we watched the fireworks. I got more entertainment from watching all the weirdos that were out and about. I am constantly shocked at how many people I see around this place with no teeth...at least that is one thing I can safely say IS going for me...
To follow up with my last post, the bleeding has decreased over the last day or so and I have made it to my personal goal of 30 weeks. Anything from this point forward is a bonus in my book. Will is really squirmy and moves a lot. I love it. Last night when the fireworks got really loud he got the hiccups again...too funny. As soon as the fireworks were done, he stopped.
Not too much else to write, as I am lacking things that have inspired me lately. I miss my house, the woods, heathly food, having a life, and overall just taking care of things. In two more weeks or so, things should start coming around. I know Tim will be thrilled once he no longer has to do it all...In the meantime, I say a prayer every night that we don't end up in the psych ward together...
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Update
This morning I woke up to heavy bleeding. This is actually new because over the last week or so it has dropped off dramatically now that I only walk around to go to the bathroom or take a shower. So it was a little shocking.
They put me on the monitor for a couple of hours and did a bedside ultrasound, followed up by more blood work in case they wheel me down for a c-section...I'm actually more concerned at not being able to eat or drink anything, especially with the diabetic thing. They just gave me grape juice because I was starting to feel really weird.
We just ask for prayers, as there is nothing else to do but sit and wait. Tim and I have been waiting since the beginning of April to see where this is going, and I am nearly ready just to find out. Its these unexpected twists and turns that have taken their toll over the last few months. I know we'll be faced with much more in the coming weeks. We just pray for strength and courage, as this can turn so scary so fast.
But for right now, I am just patiently waiting. The baby is still fine. Tim is at work just a few blocks away. Should anything change, someone will update this blog. Give my past medical history, and given that it is 4th of July weekend and all my favorite nurses are gone on vacation, something will probably happen. My trend has been to only have emergencies over holidays. Oh, well...a patriotic baby would be totally appropriate, especially since I was refusing to give birth on his original due date: September 11th. Until then, welcome to the waiting game with us!
They put me on the monitor for a couple of hours and did a bedside ultrasound, followed up by more blood work in case they wheel me down for a c-section...I'm actually more concerned at not being able to eat or drink anything, especially with the diabetic thing. They just gave me grape juice because I was starting to feel really weird.
We just ask for prayers, as there is nothing else to do but sit and wait. Tim and I have been waiting since the beginning of April to see where this is going, and I am nearly ready just to find out. Its these unexpected twists and turns that have taken their toll over the last few months. I know we'll be faced with much more in the coming weeks. We just pray for strength and courage, as this can turn so scary so fast.
But for right now, I am just patiently waiting. The baby is still fine. Tim is at work just a few blocks away. Should anything change, someone will update this blog. Give my past medical history, and given that it is 4th of July weekend and all my favorite nurses are gone on vacation, something will probably happen. My trend has been to only have emergencies over holidays. Oh, well...a patriotic baby would be totally appropriate, especially since I was refusing to give birth on his original due date: September 11th. Until then, welcome to the waiting game with us!
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