Red leaves litter our front lawn.
Just one more reason I love being back...this is my favorite season.
But...you won't catch me outside with a rake.
Not until every last single leaf has fallen from the tree.
Which buys me enough time to make it to November.
But...it could always snow first.
I've made several promises to Cali friends that I would take some pictures of the awesome colors. But I am waiting for that perfect, sunny day when the view from our back patio is stunning. A few more weeks and we should be there.
This last week or so, I have been too busy to think.
Too busy to write on this blog.
Too busy to grieve.
Definitely not a good thing.
And yet, if someone were to ask me what I have been busy doing...
I don't have a clue.
Everything is still a blur without him...
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Sick
Time keeps going so fast.
Monday night we went to our 2nd support group at the hospital/my old home.
Tim came with me this time, and I was glad for that.
The nurse we had the night Will died was there.
At the beginning of the meeting, she began to speak and the tears instantly came.
That voice.
Hearing it brings back memories and feelings and something oddly familiar...
and Tim and I are still having one of our more difficult weeks even days later.
But I am so thankful that they have this once a month. Because for one hour I don't feel alone. And I can say whatever I want to say, and be mad, and cry, and say things that may sound crazy to others not in our situation....but everyone there nods their heads and agrees. So either all of those crazy emotions for us are normal or we are all a little crazy.
I don't know how we can go through this and not be, actually.
My favorite phrase from a couple that talked that night,
"We won the s**t lottery."
It was good to laugh out loud. Because every couple sitting at that table, felt the same.
Because for people like us, the reminders are constant and overwhelming.
Pregnant women everywhere.
Babies everywhere.
Kids everywhere.
And feeling like you are the only one having problems having a baby...everywhere.
And for us...with our empty arms and broken hearts...we feel as if we have gotten...nowhere.
After group, we were asked by our nurse if we would like to be involved in a group of parents that will be put together to help the NICU address more of our needs, but for future parents.
Absolutely.
We talked about that night with her. And it has been awhile, so I really had to think.
The trauma of it leaves much blurry. But I remember specific things, like scenes from a movie.
And still the hardest concept to grasp, is that we are parents...but yet we aren't because he isn't here with us. The question comes up all the time, "Do you have any kids?"
Well, the other day when I was subbing in a 4th grade classroom, a student asked me just that.
And I answered,
"Yes, but he came a little early this summer so he isn't here anymore. But the blessing is that I get to teach you guys now, and I love to teach."
Then what happens? The teacher calls me last night, because I am supposed to teach 3 more days in her room this week and next,...and tells me that she isn't upset but a parent complained that I was inappropriate telling the kids that. And then she asked that I don't mention him again.
As if I wasn't hurting enough already.
A parent complaining about me? I felt as if whatever living part of me was left, was just snuffed out.
Tears. Again. Overwhelming me. Feeling like I had done something wrong, when all I did was speak of my son. All I did was answer a question. Nothing more.
If someones child died, would they lie that they ever existed?
Every time I answer no, I feel as though Will is looking down on me and thinks I am ashamed to speak of him.
And it kills me.
But I guess that is what I will have to do, in order not to be judged.
In order not to have people tell me that I cannot talk of my child. And in my heart, I know I did nothing wrong. No details were given...
I simply acknowledged that he had lived.
Because that is all I can do.
And now I am left today with anxiety, extreme sadness, and feeling like someone just punched me in the gut...like he just died all over again.
The tears I had managed to stop over the last few days, now flow relentlessly.
And then there is anger mixed in with that sadness,
At how stupid some people really are.
So a decent day yesterday, and then one phone call set me back nearly all the progress I had made in the last week. And I am trying so hard. So, so hard. I really can't try any more.
And now I am just pleading with God...
Please... just make something good come from this. Because I need it more than ever.
Monday night we went to our 2nd support group at the hospital/my old home.
Tim came with me this time, and I was glad for that.
The nurse we had the night Will died was there.
At the beginning of the meeting, she began to speak and the tears instantly came.
That voice.
Hearing it brings back memories and feelings and something oddly familiar...
and Tim and I are still having one of our more difficult weeks even days later.
But I am so thankful that they have this once a month. Because for one hour I don't feel alone. And I can say whatever I want to say, and be mad, and cry, and say things that may sound crazy to others not in our situation....but everyone there nods their heads and agrees. So either all of those crazy emotions for us are normal or we are all a little crazy.
I don't know how we can go through this and not be, actually.
My favorite phrase from a couple that talked that night,
"We won the s**t lottery."
It was good to laugh out loud. Because every couple sitting at that table, felt the same.
Because for people like us, the reminders are constant and overwhelming.
Pregnant women everywhere.
Babies everywhere.
Kids everywhere.
And feeling like you are the only one having problems having a baby...everywhere.
And for us...with our empty arms and broken hearts...we feel as if we have gotten...nowhere.
After group, we were asked by our nurse if we would like to be involved in a group of parents that will be put together to help the NICU address more of our needs, but for future parents.
Absolutely.
We talked about that night with her. And it has been awhile, so I really had to think.
The trauma of it leaves much blurry. But I remember specific things, like scenes from a movie.
And still the hardest concept to grasp, is that we are parents...but yet we aren't because he isn't here with us. The question comes up all the time, "Do you have any kids?"
Well, the other day when I was subbing in a 4th grade classroom, a student asked me just that.
And I answered,
"Yes, but he came a little early this summer so he isn't here anymore. But the blessing is that I get to teach you guys now, and I love to teach."
Then what happens? The teacher calls me last night, because I am supposed to teach 3 more days in her room this week and next,...and tells me that she isn't upset but a parent complained that I was inappropriate telling the kids that. And then she asked that I don't mention him again.
As if I wasn't hurting enough already.
A parent complaining about me? I felt as if whatever living part of me was left, was just snuffed out.
Tears. Again. Overwhelming me. Feeling like I had done something wrong, when all I did was speak of my son. All I did was answer a question. Nothing more.
If someones child died, would they lie that they ever existed?
Every time I answer no, I feel as though Will is looking down on me and thinks I am ashamed to speak of him.
And it kills me.
But I guess that is what I will have to do, in order not to be judged.
In order not to have people tell me that I cannot talk of my child. And in my heart, I know I did nothing wrong. No details were given...
I simply acknowledged that he had lived.
Because that is all I can do.
And now I am left today with anxiety, extreme sadness, and feeling like someone just punched me in the gut...like he just died all over again.
The tears I had managed to stop over the last few days, now flow relentlessly.
And then there is anger mixed in with that sadness,
At how stupid some people really are.
So a decent day yesterday, and then one phone call set me back nearly all the progress I had made in the last week. And I am trying so hard. So, so hard. I really can't try any more.
And now I am just pleading with God...
Please... just make something good come from this. Because I need it more than ever.
Monday, September 22, 2008
GVSU
Nothing like a busy weekend to get out of a rut. Well, almost.
Saturday I woke up convinced to have a good day. The sun was shining, I had a Tastefully Simple party during the day and that night we were going to a football game with my dad.
Things were on track until I was driving to the party and there it was: another stupid thing happening to me (if you are confused, please refer back to the previous post)
I went straight to nervous breakdown mode.
What could possibly put me over the edge?
A closed exit on the freeway.
A closed exit, with no detour...which led me to the 'hood.
Normally, I wouldn't care.
But driving around in my Audi with Cali plates in an area I had no idea about...in my mindset...was not a priority on my "to-do" list.
Because I honestly pity anyone that would try to do anything.
There's no telling what 6 months of pent-up rage might cause me to do.
Good thing for Tim. He talked me through the tears and frustration. And he looked on Mapquest. Why was I so frustrated? I'm allowed to get lost in California where the streets are windy and go all which ways...not in Michigan: where I grew up and the streets are planned in a grid lock pattern. So...I was late too. Another thing that I hate. But what gets me the most is this is how grief works, and its horrible. Getting infuriated over small things is not me at all.
But the party was fun. Met lots of great people, who shocked me by saying they read this blog. Again, proof that this whole thing is so beyond my ability to fully understand just how many lives have been touched by Will.
I got home feeling like I had at least accomplished something. Unlike when I came home from subbing on Thursday and immediately poured a glass of wine and grabbed a carton of Ben & Jerry's.
Enough said.
Enough said.
The rest of the day proceeded without incident.
That night we put on our GVSU shirts and headed to the first football game we have been to as alumni...not students.
Wow. How things have changed.
That night we put on our GVSU shirts and headed to the first football game we have been to as alumni...not students.
Wow. How things have changed.
Not just the school. But us too.
The last football field I was on....was USC's.
Grand Valley's field looked like some high school, and I was shocked.
Just another moment for me when I realized...for as much as I hated so many things about California...being out there shattered my rose colored glasses. And whether I like it or not, living in Orange County has left a permanent mark on me.
I'm still deciding if that is a good or bad thing. Probably both.
And that goes hand in hand with the question we get asked the most...
"Why did you move from California to Michigan?"
Our answer has never changed, only our circumstance: to raise a family...
Now we are just left with more questions that have no answers.
But today I can look up to the heavens and say something that I couldn't bring myself to say before and actually mean it:
I trust you.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
White flag
After my last blog I posted on Wednesday, I had a few days of sheer meltdown...things were really rough. So rough that Friday I did not leave the house.
I think I cried more in those three days than in the entire last month combined.
Which pretty much means that I was crying constantly. Crying while I walked to take Sophie outside, while I cleaned the house, while I mowed the lawn.
Not sure what brought it on, but it doesn't matter: I couldn't get a grip.
So...I just let it come.
Maybe it was the two month anniversary, or a sudden surge of hormones, or working again, or just getting overly tired...
But whatever it was,
I was waving my white flag.
But what got me really down were small things mounting on top of this one big thing.
I'm not so sure I believe in luck, whether its good or bad. But whatever we have here in life, whether its God's purpose, with a little combination or luck or fate or chance...
I just happen to have stupid crap happen to me.
And it about drives me over the edge.
Its like my friend said,
"Julie, you would win the lottery and then the ticket would get lost."
Exactly.
My experiences lately have been frustrating. More frustrating than usual because I'm not in the usual sort of mindset to deal with it as I have in the past. Because in the past I would usually laugh or make fun of it and then shrug it off.
Its been like driving through a mall parking lot during the holidays. No parking spots, the tension and frustration mount. Then three rows over you see a spot. The sun shines again.
There is hope that you will now be able to park the car and move onto the next step...which is what you have been waiting for~shopping.
Then, out of nowhere someone takes that spot.
But you saw it first.
And you decided that because you saw it, and could see yourself parking there...it was yours.
But that spot was never yours....
And un-beknownst to you, it was never meant to be.
It was only your parking spot in your head.
And now you are back to square one. Or so you think...
because all you can dwell on is what would've happened if you had gotten that parking spot.
I know...crazy. I have officially gone crazy. Or so I thought I had, for a few days anyways.
Because so many little, stupid things happened and I just couldn't handle it on top of what I am already dealing with. And I won't go into what all happened. Because they are stupid...and maybe even a little funny now that they are in the past. But what's important is how annoyed I was, even angy, when they happened.
So lately, when I really don't know what to pray for anymore...because sometimes I feel that I don't pray for the right thing anyways...
I simply pray for the strength to take something good away from all of this...
and for the ability to conquer all those little stupid things life dishes out...and to just let it go.
I think I cried more in those three days than in the entire last month combined.
Which pretty much means that I was crying constantly. Crying while I walked to take Sophie outside, while I cleaned the house, while I mowed the lawn.
Not sure what brought it on, but it doesn't matter: I couldn't get a grip.
So...I just let it come.
Maybe it was the two month anniversary, or a sudden surge of hormones, or working again, or just getting overly tired...
But whatever it was,
I was waving my white flag.
But what got me really down were small things mounting on top of this one big thing.
I'm not so sure I believe in luck, whether its good or bad. But whatever we have here in life, whether its God's purpose, with a little combination or luck or fate or chance...
I just happen to have stupid crap happen to me.
And it about drives me over the edge.
Its like my friend said,
"Julie, you would win the lottery and then the ticket would get lost."
Exactly.
My experiences lately have been frustrating. More frustrating than usual because I'm not in the usual sort of mindset to deal with it as I have in the past. Because in the past I would usually laugh or make fun of it and then shrug it off.
Its been like driving through a mall parking lot during the holidays. No parking spots, the tension and frustration mount. Then three rows over you see a spot. The sun shines again.
There is hope that you will now be able to park the car and move onto the next step...which is what you have been waiting for~shopping.
Then, out of nowhere someone takes that spot.
But you saw it first.
And you decided that because you saw it, and could see yourself parking there...it was yours.
But that spot was never yours....
And un-beknownst to you, it was never meant to be.
It was only your parking spot in your head.
And now you are back to square one. Or so you think...
because all you can dwell on is what would've happened if you had gotten that parking spot.
I know...crazy. I have officially gone crazy. Or so I thought I had, for a few days anyways.
Because so many little, stupid things happened and I just couldn't handle it on top of what I am already dealing with. And I won't go into what all happened. Because they are stupid...and maybe even a little funny now that they are in the past. But what's important is how annoyed I was, even angy, when they happened.
So lately, when I really don't know what to pray for anymore...because sometimes I feel that I don't pray for the right thing anyways...
I simply pray for the strength to take something good away from all of this...
and for the ability to conquer all those little stupid things life dishes out...and to just let it go.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Two months
Two whole months have passed.
How is that even possible?
I feel like he was just here, and then again, to us he is always here. Will is literally always on our minds...on our hearts.
So today, we trudge on...and I'm trying not to think about the future...when instead of counting the months and days, we will be counting the years without him.
A friend passed this poem onto me in an email. I don't know who the author is, but I'm grateful to have it. I don't think there will ever be a day when I can read it without crying.
How is that even possible?
I feel like he was just here, and then again, to us he is always here. Will is literally always on our minds...on our hearts.
So today, we trudge on...and I'm trying not to think about the future...when instead of counting the months and days, we will be counting the years without him.
A friend passed this poem onto me in an email. I don't know who the author is, but I'm grateful to have it. I don't think there will ever be a day when I can read it without crying.
Today I saw you crying
I sent you lots of love
I hope that you can feel it
I'm here just up above
Today I jumped from cloud to cloud
And flew across the sky
And God told me all about you
And why you often cry
He told me you were special
And your love for me so deep
He told me that one day I'll meet you here
And in your arms I'll leap
I met a nice man the other day
He sat me on his knee
He told me that he knew you, Mom
And do you know what else he told me?
He told me all about you
About your pretty face
About your kindness, love and joy
And about your sweet grace
I told that man I knew you
Cause we were once so close
I grew in your belly, Mommy
Just beneath your clothes
I told that man you talked to me
And prayed for me each night
And how I felt your love right there
and how you would hug me tight
No, your not a stranger, Mom
Although we're now apart
It's really not that far, Mommy
I know I'm in your heart
I can't wait to see you Mommy
God says you'll be here soon
Until then, I'm with you
And I love you to the moon
Monday, September 15, 2008
No go...
I'll be really frank~there are moments I'm so mad at God I can hardly stand it.
And I tell him.
He already knows, but somehow...voicing it directly to him makes me feel better. Kind of like having a fight with someone and then instead of letting it stew inside of you and making your own life miserable you finally get the courage to tell them...to confront them on how you feel.
And then its out. All the words, the feelings...no longer stuffed down inside. And by releasing them I find a small amount of peace and can come to terms with most of it.
Most of it. Not all...
That will take a lifetime and lots of prayers.
Obviously, I know that he knows what he is doing...even if I don't have a clue. But still...there is so much that I don't understand. Will never understand.
Included in this is the results of the interview last week. I just got the call. And although I was seriously planning on not taking it (because when I really thought about it, it isn't worth the extra $10 a day to do all the fun stuff like grade papers, plan lessons, and deal with discipline problems...)
I at least wanted to know I was good enough to get it.
I have one word that might describe what happened: politics.
Something tells me I didn't have a fighting chance.
(gasp) Or they read my blog and didn't hire me based on my inability to excel at math... Is this the huge failing streak that happens to people before they succeed and then they look back and eventually laugh? I hope so. But I am so not laughing right now.
Do I care about the job part? No.
But what a huge blow to my already bruised ego.
And again, I am left standing here scratching my head...
And I tell him.
He already knows, but somehow...voicing it directly to him makes me feel better. Kind of like having a fight with someone and then instead of letting it stew inside of you and making your own life miserable you finally get the courage to tell them...to confront them on how you feel.
And then its out. All the words, the feelings...no longer stuffed down inside. And by releasing them I find a small amount of peace and can come to terms with most of it.
Most of it. Not all...
That will take a lifetime and lots of prayers.
Obviously, I know that he knows what he is doing...even if I don't have a clue. But still...there is so much that I don't understand. Will never understand.
Included in this is the results of the interview last week. I just got the call. And although I was seriously planning on not taking it (because when I really thought about it, it isn't worth the extra $10 a day to do all the fun stuff like grade papers, plan lessons, and deal with discipline problems...)
I at least wanted to know I was good enough to get it.
I have one word that might describe what happened: politics.
Something tells me I didn't have a fighting chance.
(gasp) Or they read my blog and didn't hire me based on my inability to excel at math... Is this the huge failing streak that happens to people before they succeed and then they look back and eventually laugh? I hope so. But I am so not laughing right now.
Do I care about the job part? No.
But what a huge blow to my already bruised ego.
And again, I am left standing here scratching my head...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Algebra
I'm in a fog today. Probably brought by many things and then there's the weather: monsoons of rain, thick and hazy, but super muggy. Ugh. But I have been keeping busy trying not to think about everything...but don't think I don't think about it anyways. I can run, but it seems I can never hide.
Yesterday and today I was a substitute at the middle school. The days went great, and I think the interview went alright too. But who knows. This morning I walked into the classroom and nearly fell over...because guess what I got to use today...
A huge, ugly, really green chalkboard.
I seriously laughed out loud. Then I called Tim and told him too (we could always use a little humor in our lives). For those of you wondering why in the world this is such a huge deal...well, let's just say that I've never actually taught a class (ever) using a chalkboard. A white board~sure. An awesome active board that is like a computer on the wall~even better. But a chalkboard? Nothing like a little true "old school"...is that where the saying comes from anyways??? I figured they had done away with chalkboards a super long time ago...
So not only did I survive inhaling chalk all morning, I also survived teaching 8th grade algebra (for those of you that truly know me, you understand what a miracle this is)...didn't I fail algebra in college or something? In 8th grade, I couldn't even tell you what algebra was, I was still practically counting on my fingers...wait. Sometimes I still do~True Confessions of a Teacher.
Yesterday and today I was a substitute at the middle school. The days went great, and I think the interview went alright too. But who knows. This morning I walked into the classroom and nearly fell over...because guess what I got to use today...
A huge, ugly, really green chalkboard.
I seriously laughed out loud. Then I called Tim and told him too (we could always use a little humor in our lives). For those of you wondering why in the world this is such a huge deal...well, let's just say that I've never actually taught a class (ever) using a chalkboard. A white board~sure. An awesome active board that is like a computer on the wall~even better. But a chalkboard? Nothing like a little true "old school"...is that where the saying comes from anyways??? I figured they had done away with chalkboards a super long time ago...
So not only did I survive inhaling chalk all morning, I also survived teaching 8th grade algebra (for those of you that truly know me, you understand what a miracle this is)...didn't I fail algebra in college or something? In 8th grade, I couldn't even tell you what algebra was, I was still practically counting on my fingers...wait. Sometimes I still do~True Confessions of a Teacher.
For occasions like this, I knew that I should have bought the most awesome shirt I had ever seen when I had the chance...
"I'm too pretty to do math."
"I'm too pretty to do math."
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