Enough.

Its 12 degrees outside.
You've got to be kidding.
That factor, combined with gray skies isn't exactly helping to lift the depression.


Today, I subbed...and as I sat there thinking about how I miss being a part of all those staff lounge discussions, I also realized there are a ton of things I miss. And honestly, there is not much I can really do about it. Its the feeling of helplessness...uncertainty.


A teacher called me on Friday and asked me to teach this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. The last 3 days before break...and I don't know what I was thinking to say yes. First of all, the kids are crazy...and I get to do all the work (especially the chaos of a party) and no one really gives a crap that I am there. And its hard to be around all the holiday festivities. Then I realized that those days will mark exactly 5 months.


5 Months.
How could that be?
And how can Christmas be next week?
All these things just don't seem possible...

I'm thinking that my transition back to Michigan hasn't been what I hoped it to be. Not even close. And then I have to keep reminding myself that just one of my factors (new house, new move, quiting a job I loved, husband working a new job with insane hours...and then, of course, Will) would drive anyone to the edge. And what gets me worked up the most? That I lived here one week before my world fell apart in ways I never imagined.

And now?
I live in a place, where the only memories I have...are intensely sad.

And I honestly don't know how I am hanging on. And some days...I don't. Like today...I write because it is the only thing that makes me feel a tiny bit better. To get it out of my head and my heart and release some pressure in there. There are always those days when I walk around the house in a fog, not caring about a thing. And then there are the days I force myself to teach...not caring there either. And I just wonder how long this can go on for...this heart wrenching, suffocating feeling. It feels I have been sad ever since we moved here.

Today is one of those days, where my grief is so intense...I just want to pick up something and throw it as hard as I can to watch it shatter into a million pieces.

But instead, I just sit and cry...liquid love is what the support group leader called...
Well then, my cup runneth over.

more pictures

I've been a real slacker lately and realized I never downloaded any pictures of wine tasting...and lots of other things. I even failed to put up any pictures of our "new" house for all my CA friends. Sorry.

Here are a few pics from wine tasting (I decided to leave out the picture of the dead deer hanging from a tree...which happened to be the first thing I saw when I woke up at the Bed&Breakfast and looked out the window). Anywas, wine tasting-it was so much fun. In fact, I just ordered another 4 bottles of my favorite from the company's website...guess I should have stocked up while I was there. Oh well, Merry Christmas to me. I think I'll save them for those days I tell Tim I got a sub job...and then just sit at home and drink Bubbly Nouveau:)

And then, of course, there are a few more pictures of the snow for those of you that are hanging out in the beautiful 75 degree weather...Anytime you need affirmation on why you still live in Orange County, just come and see me for a visit sometime before April...I love it...but I am COLD. On the other hand, Sophie doesn't seem to mind and can't get enough of it. And apparently she can't eat enough snow either.

Winterwonderland

It has been snowing here for at least a week non-stop...and I'm still not used to this at all. Right now, I should be getting bundled up to go to yoga. However, its freezing and slick out and I really don't feel like leaving tonight.

I know that the one thing I need is exercise, so I compromised and went out and shoveled part of our driveway for at least the 12th time in the last 5 days. And yes, I know, its only the beginning.

2008 has been full of "shocks." In fact, last time around this year we decided that "Things for us were going to be great in '08!" And I'm sitting here feeling pretty darn stupid thinking back at our naive optimism. Now, I am just eager for a new beginning. Even if it is only in the form of a calendar that reads January 1, 2009. Although we might try, the events of 2008 will never be far from our immediate thoughts.

And aside from just a daily survival mode, I have decided that I will set goals for myself to get through this first...hard winter. And it is hard, because I have realized that my rose-colored glasses of Michigan have been forever shattered. There is something to be said about not having to dig out of snow or rake leaves for hours on end. And while it sounds fun, after the first hour I'm pretty much over it and convinced that my time would be better spent doing something else.

This weekend I had a Christmas open house for Tastefully Simple. And thanks again to the snow, it was a lot of work with minimal results. While it was fun (and I am especially grateful to those that did make it-THANK YOU) the weather kept many people away. I cannot compete with mother nature...So, this may be my first month that I don't meet my goals since August. And that is pretty sad, considering it is supposedly the biggest sales month of the year. Regardless, this little business venture of mine has managed to awaken me from the dead and given me something positive to distract myself with. When I started it, I didn't care about anything...and now I look back and can see how far I have come.

Which is why I need to keep writing. I haven't lately because there wasn't anything good or happy to say. But that is part of it too...the good with the bad. So in dealing with this awful feeling that has been intensifying with each day, I have been reading the book a friend gave to me while in Cali. The Shack. Its interesting, and thought provoking. And sadly, I can very much relate with the main character and all of his anger, frustration...and his Great Sadness. There is are so many things in that book that just take my breath away, and I wasn't ready to read it until now.

But I am thankful I am reading it now.

It came at the perfect time.

Just when I though I couldn't handle all the anger and bitterness...

There was intervention. And the little reminder...

Always in God's time, never ours.

Thanksgiving night.

*Its actually December now...I was just sitting down to write again and saw that I forgot to ever post this...just another example of my grief-provoked forgetfulness and complete disorientation...

I'm sitting here with bloodshot eyes, beyond tired...
and a huge glass of wine.
First of all, we survived Thanksgiving and all the bittersweet blessings and hurts that came along with the day.

But that stuff is boring and depressing.

Instead, I will share a funny story. Something that I have always wanted to do, but never had the nerve to follow through with...First of all, I love shopping. Not spending a ton of money but finding insanely good deals. So when I found out that Birch Run (an awesome outlet mall 2 hours from here) was opening at midnight Thanksgiving day...well, I thought...Why not?

So, at 10 p.m. I picked up my mom and we drove an uneventful 2 hours to the east side of the state. Well, once we were on the road it was uneventful. First, I had to get gas. So I was filling up the Jeep and had it going by itself then looked down because it sounded funny.

There was gas spraying out of my car, down the side...and then puddling underneath.

I about had a heart attack and all I could think about was how I was going to blow us up just to find some good deals. And that I truly was an idiot...Well, until I spoke to the guy behind the counter. Then I reevaluated my first decision and decided he was the idiot. When I ran in to ask what I should do (because there was gas everywhere) he told me just to take the pump out and not worry about the gas on the ground. And my car with gas everywhere??? Oh, it should be okay, he said.

So I walked back to my car and did what any other semi-intelligent person would do. I took the window washer out of their bin and washed the side of my car with it, making sure to dilute all the gas with as much dirty water as possible. Disaster averted. And then we were officially on our way.

But I couldn't help but wonder if that was some sign that we were supposed to be at home sleeping instead of going shopping. As we got closer, the roads were empty. Then about 5 miles away I said out loud,

"Mom do you see all those brake lights up there? Uh, I'm getting nervous..."

We had good reason to be. Every single person on that side of the state must have wanted to go shopping too. I have never seen so many cars lined up in one lane for so long. Not even in California. Not even smack in the middle of L.A. on a holiday weekend. I was beyond shocked and as we drove mile after mile all my mom could do was laugh and all I could do was stare in disbelief...and we both uttered a few choice words. Because, after all, we thought we were the only crazy people to drive and shop in the middle of the night.

I refused to get in line. So we drove to the next exit, turned around and finally got off a different way. That was only the first battle. As we pulled into the parking lot, there was not one single parking space to be found. People were parking on the grass, and anywhere else they could find. We lucked out and found a spot way in the back and a good hike from everywhere we wanted to go. But at that point I would have taken anything. All I know is that people that drive in the middle of the night to get the best deals are a little extreme...more like hardcore. Since I could have cared less, I stayed far away from those people. But they were fun to watch.

The rest of the time was a blast. The mood of the place was fun and you would never have known it was the middle of the night. I assumed we would get home around 4 in the morning. We were having too much fun and didn't get home until 6:00 a.m. Friday morning. The stores had awesome deals and I couldn't even get into Coach. Insane. But totally worth the trip and we decided this would be a new tradition.

Because after all, this is what is hard about this holiday season. Establishing new traditions. Accepting that certain things we were looking forward to starting will just have to wait. I never would have imagined my Thanksgiving to be like this...but some things we can't change. So in the meantime, I'm happy with this new tradition. Let's just hope we can pull it off again next year, only maybe we skip the gas spraying out of the car.

Winter

I've written several blogs, none of which I am happy with.
Since Thanksgiving things have been really...hard I guess. Honestly, I don't know how to describe this feeling. It is past the point of frustration, to where there are moments I could just freak out. And I no longer judge those who do. I think that if I were still teaching, things would be different. I would be busy and have a purpose to get up each day...but without that, I am left kind of wandering. Lost without directions.

With Christmas approaching, there is a new...bigger wave of grief. The type I had not really experienced yet. Where little things send me into crying fits and the expectations we had for this holiday season...are just too painful to think about.

Its funny how many around us are still concerned with all the normal things, especially gifts. I could literally care less if presents rained from the sky. And it seems so insignificant. And you realize just how much we have that we could live without. So instead of buying each other gifts this year, Tim & I went out and bought a piece of furniture.

Its not just any piece of furniture. It has become the most important thing in our house. We finally found a perfect table (it kind of looks like a small dresser) that we call Will's table. It is perfect. It was made for this exact spot, and in the exact striped colors. And his framed picture looks absolutely beautiful on it.

So when it comes to the rest of it. I'm trying. Trying really hard in fact. But things like Christmas cards and the holiday spirit just aren't in me right now. And if the constant reminder of little kids and babies isn't all around me...I get to go to church and sing about the birth of a special baby boy...

And its just too much.

Home again

What a whirlwind.

My trip last week was much needed.

I wanted to post some pictures, then I realized I only took 3.

Not so awesome...

But, as the plane took off from OC on Friday night I couldn't help but look down at all the lights. They seemed to go on forever, just the sheer number of people there is unfathomable at times. This was a picture I wished I could have taken.

But instead its imprinted in my mind. So many lights, so much business. As the plane circled out over the Pacific before heading back east, I could see PCH and the route along the ocean I had driven so many times. Only this time I was not driving it, I was only watching everyone else from far above...and they didn't even know it.

I have been trying to navigate a new road since Will's death. And it sure isn't as pretty as PCH. Not even close. This road was not taken by my own choosing, so I am doing the best I can.

But I am thankful that for 4 days, this new road took me back out to California. I had such a great time and owe thanks to many people. Bottom line is that I didn't have enough time, not even close. I arrived late Tuesday and left on Friday afternoon. But I crammed in as much as possible without completely losing my mind.

To go from here to there is going to extremes. You cannot get any more different. No wonder it messes with my head. There? I get to look at the mountains, tons of traffic/people, the ocean...and hot young Marines in camouflage.

Here? I get to look at the woods, open land...and old fat dudes strutting around in their hunting gear. Gross. Which leads me to ask...just how many different patterns and colors of camouflage can one person wear? And isn't this some fashion crime...even for hunters' standards?

Whatever. It keeps me entertained.

But nonetheless, back to reality now.

I came home feeling refreshed, with some sense of hope restored...even if it was only a small bit. From here? I have no idea. We're just focusing on getting through this holiday season being grateful and not giving into the temptation to lie in the corner on the floor and cry until its all over with...but something tells me that the holidays are bittersweet for many people.

Not just us.

SoCal

I made it...
Being in SoCal has been great.

And Tim was worried that I wouldn't come home.
I won't lie...the thought crossed my mind to skip the flight home. However, it feels more like summer to me than the week before Thanksgiving. And without him here, well, I miss him nagging me to go work out and do all those active things we can't really do in the ARCTIC TUNDRA we moved to.

Don't get me wrong~I really do love Michigan, but I am realizing that somewhere along the way of me hating Orange County...I grew to love things out here too. And as much as I hate to admit it, after being in MI, I am realizing that there are many things the OC instilled in me whether I like it or not. So I will just say that I feel at home both places. And that is okay.

Yesterday I got more hugs in one day than many get in a lifetime. Visiting A.V. was unbelievable and seeing my old students, the parents, and staff of that school made me more happy than I have been in a super long time.

Thank you.
I loved seeing every single one of you.
And I feel so amazingly blessed to have been a part of that school, which allowed me to gain so many friendships and recieve so much love. Both of which have kept me going when I thought it was no longer possible.

As I said before. Its hard to be depressed when its 80 degrees and sunny outside. I still cried with some friends, but this trip has been sort of a closure for me. As I visited with some of my 5th graders, one saw my necklace with WILL engraved on the front and said,

"You should have engraved BEAN on the back"

Yes...Bean.
The nickname we gave Will when he was the size of a coffee bean, but already very present in our lives. And it is comments like that...well, they just make me smile. Because he was here and in many ways his spirit and memory are spread so vastly over many miles. Therefore, he lives on in the memory of so many.

And then as I stood in a circle of my old students, in the typical fashion of them getting as close to me as possible...they started talking over each other, yelling questions at me about totally random things, which then led to them bickering over who knows what. I started repeating myself very loudly,

"You guys! You don't have to yell...I am right here. RIGHT HERE."

And as my head started to pound with the kind of headache I hadn't gotten since...oh, I don't know...March? I thought to myself...Seriously?! Some things never change. I'm in a timewarp.

But then I realized...

I needed this right now, loved this right now....

and I wouldn't have it any other way.