Podunk

I can say now that I did one thing right in my life.
My intuition not to teach high school and go with elementary ed...
Taught at the high school today.
Geesh.
Kids these days.

Also, couldn't believe the class size here either.
684 kids in the senior class.
Let's get one thing straight.
I live in the woods, which is located in the middle of a cornfield.
On any given day I probably see more deer than high school kids.
Where are they all coming from???

Which reminds me of something else I saw while driving on Monday. You know that saying "I live in Podunk" (a.k.a. the middle of nowhere)? Well I actually passed Podunk Ave. not even 5 miles from my house.
I did a double take.
Nervously laughed.
And then cringed.

I'm almost 9 days into the New Year.
Still miss Will like crazy.
Still wondering what he would look like at nearly 6 months.
And wishing that I was spending time at home with him...
instead of with indifferent teenagers...

And it never fails, I always end up in some young teacher's classroom...with various reminders about things I don't want to see.
Today?
Shower invitations, birth announcements, and pictures of her new baby...
EVERYWHERE.

*Insert positive of the day here and don't think about all the bad stuff*

There was a two hour school delay so I only had to look at that stuff 4 hours and got paid for 7 :)
At least...I hope that's how it works.
Oh yeah, and it was a Calculus class (panic) and I just gave them a worksheet.
Sweet.

Trust

Today was a good day.
I am making a real effort to stick to my New Year's resolution...
well, one of them anyways.

To be thankful in all circumstances.
No matter what.

Now, I have to say that this is easy for someone to say or believe they doing, when they have 2.5 kids, a house, jobs, etc.
Their life is playing out just as they planned and hoped it would...

But as for some of us:

I have learned...the true test...
Is how you keep the faith when things truly suck.
What you do and how you act.
Because 2008 was a true test of faith for me.
And as I look back,
I really could have done better.

I could have trusted so much more.
I could have had so much more faith.
And this is one major regret of mine. That I let doubt creep into my mind...that I didn't fight my doubts as hard as Will fought for his life.
And I can't go back,
All I can do is change it now.

Because I used to think that I had faith. That I truly trusted. And then that was shaken to the core. And I began to question...everything...including myself.

But as I was driving to work this morning, in the freezing crappy snow. It was pitch black and I was late...and I really didn't care. Something washed over me. And for some unknown reason, I got tears in my eyes...and I just knew.
Good things are to come...
and even if I'm wrong,
I trust Him.
And I told Him out loud.

Its strange how suffering and emotions work. When Tim was in the Marines and deployed, I had never felt so intensely sad. And upon his safe return, I experienced an unfathomable amount of thankfulness.
And for the first time,
I felt truly alive.

So today, this quote was presented to me.
And I think it sums it up real nice.

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt

Well, I have been presented with both.

And despite all,

I am thankful.

Work

If there is anything that I cannot stand...
its looking for a job.

I was surfing the net and saw that the FBI is hiring a bunch of people. This would be perfect for me.
Lots of knowledge...especially the top secret kind. Check
Sweet ninja moves. Check
Being able to prove it....how do you put in a resume that a bunch of Marines taught me how to seriously hurt (o.k. more than hurt) someone in two moves?

No, the people at the FBI would probably look at me like everyone else I have sent a resume to.
Like a complete loser.
Ha. If they only knew.

Once again its all about who you know not what you know. So this is where I need prayers, because today I am handling this pretty well. But tomorrow? I just might be extra sad that I can't do the job I have been waiting years for...to be a mom.

A New Year

It is officially 2009.
Awesome.
Which means the worst year of my life is now over.
This last year was a nightmare in ways I could never have imagined.
And life in general had me on the ropes in some huge boxing ring.
And let's face it.
I was getting the crap beat out of me.

But now?
Watch out life.
I'm fighting back and I'm swinging...hard.

No one knows what 2009 has in store,
but I've made up my mind that is has to be better than '08.

Everyone has resolutions...goals.
I struggled with that this year. Because there are those that we can actually have a hand in affecting or changing, and then there are those in which we need to stand back and release our grip and our sense of control to God. Having faith and trusting that whatever happens...is what is right.

So, I have a few New Year's Resolutions.
They aren't going to be easy...
but I am determined.
And where there's a Will...
there's a way:)

7 years

7 whole years.
I look at this picture and realize that I don't even know those people anymore.
So many things have happened.
So much has changed.

Someone should have grabbed me aside that day I walked down the aisle and warned me that I was about to go on the adventure of a lifetime....the kind that you can't even dream of. Because looking back, sometimes I am still shocked at everything we've done, everything we've overcome. With all the things that have happened...all the places we've lived...the places we've traveled...the people we've met...it truly has been an amazing journey so far.

And I can't imagine going through that with anyone else.
Then again maybe we were just too young and dumb to know any different.

Now, what are some things I have learned in the last 7 years?
1. Never have serious conversations after 10 p.m. ~ it turns ugly.
2. Hire someone to paint. Its worth the money to save the marriage.
3. Never hang pictures together. Hanging pictures = Fight.
4. And finally...don't bother asking him if you can buy something you don't need. We already know the answer...so just buy it anyways and hide the evidence.
5. And then of course. A sense of humor is a must. For both laughing at yourself...and then of course laughing at your husband when he does something stupid.

*I'm blessed because I get to laugh a lot.

Because as I sit here and look at pictures and remember stupid things that have happened. All I can do is shake my head in disbelief...and laugh.

We were so young and dumb.
I guess you could say we still are...but I keep telling myself, through it all, we must have gotten a little wiser.

Christmas weekend

Alright.

This year wasn't exactly Christmas bliss...but we survived.

And boy, do we have some stories.

Would you expect anything less from us?

I think not...

So, here is the quick version. The basic low down of our Christmas weekend that we had been dreading since July. And quite frankly, we had every reason to.

Christmas Eve:

Took Tim to work in the morning so I could run errands in the Jeep. It rained...and then, of course, it froze. The rest of the afternoon I couldn't figure out what it was doing outside, all I know is that driving was less than thrilling. The trip to church was treacherous (and I won't lie, we were really dreading going before all this happened anyways) but we finally drug our butts out to the 10 p.m. service. Okay, I don't want to beat around the bush. The service was totally lame. I swear it was an exact repeat of last year. The whole truth is, that this was the first time since Will's death that we have been able to actually attend church in person, its just been too emotional. And then the whole "sleep in heavenly peace" singing bit really threw Tim and I into the deep end. So, we left the church crying...exhausted...and praying that God would forgive us for sitting there and making fun of things while we were sitting in church. Yes, that was our way of totally not losing it in front of a bunch of strangers. Glad to get home safely, we crashed into bed once we got there. So thankful to make it through the day.

Christmas:

We woke up in our own bed on Christmas morning for the first time in...well, for the first time ever since we were married. Loved that. Loved that we didn't have to drive anywhere. It was great having my parents and brother come over here. And just when we didn't think the day could get any more exciting, we all fell asleep in various areas of the house. Talk about exciting. Best part of the day? We got a present "To Mommy & Daddy with love from Will"...

We wrapped up the day by watching nearly the entire boxed DVD set of Generation Kill that I got for Tim. Want the truth? If you really want to know about Tim's Marine experience and all the stories I got to hear about...watch these. They are awesome. The Marines are hilarious...and it is so accurate that we were left invigorated.

Finally.

Someone got it right in Hollywood.

Even down to the amount of swearing.

And yes, you just might be appalled...but its the real deal.

So if you get offended by potty-mouth: don't watch it.

Dec. 26

Tim had off from work. YAY. We lounged around and had a major deer sighting out our back window. 12 deer. Seriously, they were all clumped together and walked along the back of our yard, it was pretty cool to see. The picture above was taken too late but you can see lines in the snow that were their tracks. After that excitement, we had a special visit from our friends with their new puppy. Too much fun. We had a great time watching Tanner terrorize Sophie. Right down to her biting Soph's tail and watching Soph tuck her rear and tail under and run to her "safe spot"....her bed in the laundry room.

That night we met Tim's parents for some dinner and went to see "Marley & Me"... We got home and had Christmas with them. Tim went to open our gift and as he opened the box he jumped back. I looked and he had blood on his finger. First I thought "what in the world?" then I thought...well, I'm glad he opened it. So, we got a brand new set of steak knives and Tim assured me that they are sharp. Spent the rest of the night scrubbing blood off random areas that Tim had touched around the house, not realizing that he was still bleeding. Cutting yourself on a new gift? That has to be bad luck or something...I don't think we'll be having steak for awhile.

So after we did another Christmas this weekend, we drove back home Sunday night only to be greeted with our last present. There was a wind storm on Sunday and one of our beautiful trees in the front yard snapped in half about 4 feet up, landing in our yard. Thankfully, falling away from our house. Well, that tree will be hanging out for awhile. Its big and too heavy to move without cutting it up. The good news? At least most of the 2 feet of snow melted due to the rain and 60 degree weather on Saturday.

Even when we think our life is boring. It really isn't. Because with us...there is always something. And all I can say about Christmas this year, is that I am just thankful its over. There are always Christmases that are less than magical, and this was one of them. So my outlook is that I am glad to get one of them out of the way and look forward to some awesome Christmas days in our future.

And really...right now I feel like I should be boarding a plane back to CA or something. This whole thing still seems weird. So for right now, I'm taking it easy, because this is all so new and it will just take time. I had dreams and hopes for so long about how this Christmas would be...maybe next year.

Endless snow

No need to dream of a white Christmas here...

The snow, well, its been relentless.

I have lost count how many times my car has gotten stuck or how many times I have shoveled the driveway in the last week. All I know, is that I am so over this. Attempting to go to church tonight has already been altered due to weather. I'm surprised the mailman was able to deliver our mail today. I wish he hadn't. The only thing in there?

Will's birth and death certificate.

On Christmas Eve?

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm not even going to question that timing. I'm ignoring it...

If we're not planning our lives around the traffic in Orange County...we're planning it around the weather here. In my book that means they pretty much cancel each other out. I am just extremely grateful to be by family and not stuck in some airport. And tomorrow, we get to wake up in our own house on Christmas day for the first time in 7 years. Awesome.

As I sit here and look out the back windows I just realized something. The first time we went through this house was last Christmas Eve. We decided to look at some houses for fun, while we were home. And as we drove to this house it was snowing like crazy and I thought we were insane for looking at houses in such crap weather...I don't remember much about that day, but I do remember stepping into this house for the first time. It took my breath away...and it was perfect, I feel blessed that this is one dream that did come true.

And despite everything...I know we are meant to be here.