7 months

Today arrived without much...of anything.

A day we couldn't even think about not long ago.

To survive 7 months of missing and longing for someone who would look and act so differently if he were still with us.

So we are left with our own versions of what could have been.

Of what might still be.

The thought of another has entered our minds...

along with feelings of intense fear and anxiety,

but also of hope.

Hope that things could be different,

and for the better.

We are beginning to realize,

that for us,

there will be no such thing as full healing.

But we are ready,

more than ready...

to think about how we can move forward

and still try for that family we have

always dreamed of.

God willing.

I can only pray

that things might turn out different this time...

that things might happen sooner than later.

This house is too quiet,

we have too much love

and no one to give it to.

This is my third day in bed,

sicker than I have been in a really long time.

And its strange how I suddenly

feel like I did last spring.

Stuck in bed

nothing to do

just wishing I could feel better.

ugh.

I thought the germs here would be less harsh,

maybe the freezing weather makes them that much tougher.

Whatever it is,

I'm ready for it to go away.

All I know is that I'm starting to get delirious.

I'd rather be teaching high school 

than be stuck in this house another second...

Sick bug

Wishing that I could be writing more.
Where does the time go?
Spent the last few days at a Tastefully Simple conference that was so much fun,
met great people...
and it got me away from the house which Tim had taken over with his illness.
Got back late on Valentine's
trying not to think about
how our hearts
are
still
broken.

So I did the rational thing and baked cookies...then proceeded to eat practically the entire freaking thing. Oh, and also ate more pears than I have in the last few years combined...which were lovingly sent to us via a wonderful CA friend (who must have known its impossible to get good fruit here in the dead of winter)
Marion~thank you so much for thinking of us...they were SOOOOO good! And were a healthy "comfort" food for us this week.

Woke up and heard an amazing message at Mars Hill on Sunday,
only to get home and come down with a similar version
of whatever bug Tim had.
So instead of spending the first two days off in a row (since Christmas) doing something fun or even productive together...
we pretty much slept.
Talk about exciting.

However, just like we heard on Sunday...
even though darkness and tragedy may at times surround us,
I will not
let it grow
within
me...

Heat Wave

Its a windy and balmy day.
The air is warm and...
the snow is melting.
Yesssss.
(insert sigh of relief here)

That means,
well...in Michigan terms,
its time to bust out the shorts and bathing suits now that we surpassed 40 degrees.
Seriously.
After its been as cold as it has,
this feels like a major heat wave.

Here is my prediction though.
Everything will melt,
the air will warm
and the illusion will be given that spring is near...
until one morning we'll all wake up
under a foot of snow.
Jack Frost is known for that
one last sucker punch of the season.

Blogging has been put off lately.
I don't know where the time has gone,
all I do know,
is that it has been flying by super fast.

But I am feeling...
good.
And its just hasn't been today,
its been ever since I said enough is enough to those awful "happy" pills they put me on shortly before Will's arrival...turns out they made me anything but happy.

My prayers have been answered.
I am coming back...
and feeling more like myself.
The person before all this happened.
I give credit to a number of things.
This includes not only being weaned off that crap I never wanted to go on, but I also have been reading a Purpose Driven Life again.
Only this time through different eyes.
Every day I take time out to read, usually while I have a prep hour subbing. I also have only been teaching in the high school or middle school.
Little ones just wear me out something wicked.
And if I'm going to have to do this anyways,
why not get paid the same and have at least an hour to sit and read in silence.
Work smarter, not harder.

So in a nutshell,
nothing earth shattering is happening if anyone were to be watching.
The only drastic change isn't seen on the outside.
But I feel like a completely different person on the inside.
And I feel something I will totally admit I haven't really felt in awhile...
extremely and utterly grateful.

God Box

When I was hired a few years ago to teach 2nd grade,
I was sooo excited. This was where I was supposed to be...I was blessed to be at a Christian school. As I walked into my new classroom for the first time, I kept discovering things you normally wouldn't see in a public school.

As I began to clean and organize and make it mine,
tucked into a corner I found a really dusty, beat-up black box.
This black box had a hole cut in the top...
and white question marks drawn in puffy paint.

I didn't really know what it was...
until I opened it.
There I found something to entertain me for several minutes.
Written in barely legible little kid writing (so, so cute) were several questions for and to God.
"How old are you?"
"What do you look like?"
"Do you really know everything???"

And then one made my heart skip a beat....
and I don't know why,
but I remembered this today...

"When babies die, do they stay babies in heaven or do they grow up?"

Its strange that when I read that,

I got a really funny feeling.

A premonition?

It just hit something in me...

and it was one of those moments forever ingrained in my memory,

although I haven't thought about it for a really long time...

and have no idea what provoked it to surface this afternoon as I sat in a room full of high schoolers...

Perhaps my mind is on overload as I try to continue to make sense out of something that never will...as I read various devotionals, re-read The Shack, and The Purpose-Driven Life...all in an attempt to find help find some peace.

Even though things have been okay lately, My heart hurts today...

I really miss him today...

and even though I'm not seven, I still wonder the same question...

A new sense of normal is slowly being established.
The key?
Staying busy.

This past weekend we managed to go here
for the 2nd time.
I'm keeping the faith,
that one day
I will be able to sit through a gathering...
sing and hear the music...
without crying.

But this place is so full of positive energy,
and even though its extremely difficult...
I really need a church family out here.
And for that?
I just need to put myself...our reality...out there.
Its easier just to tell people,
to get it out in the open.
Because somehow,
it always comes up.

But it was interesting,
that the first Sunday we were there...
up on the huge screen
an image appears.

An ultrasound picture.
Exactly like the last one I had of Will
before the water was gone.
I just sat there,
dumbfounded.

Then R.Bell announces his wife is pregnant with their 3rd.
Really, God???
Today???
I haven't been to church since April,
and this is announced today.

Am I mad?
Absolutely not.
Just confused,
wondering what exactly is going on.
And thinking that God has some sick sense of humor...
especially for me,
the person who normally thinks that
every freaking thing is funny.

But I'm not giving up,
and for sure going back even though the first Sunday was more of a punch in the gut.
Yesterday was better.
Still cried,
but this time it was because I heard a song.
A song that means a lot to me.
I sang it to Will every day when we were alone,
and I actually haven't heard it sung by anyone else in many years.
So of course,
the guest singer on Sunday had to sing it.
Surprise #2 on Sunday #2.
I wonder what will happen the next time...

Then an opposite.
We went to see Larry the Cable Guy last night.
I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time.
It was fun and a total extreme.
But I guess that is how I feel lately,
all over the darn place.

Speaking about all over the place..
I have to go.
Tim's car just went all over the place in our snow covered driveway.
And now its stuck at the end.
Am I laughing?
Absolutely.
Because we're the only chumps in our whole 'hood without a snow blower...
gotta love it.

There was a point in time, when...

I had a really great way to clear my head.

When Tim was deployed, I used to do it a lot.

I would crank something loud on the radio,

open my moon roof,

unroll all the other windows...

and just tear down PCH.

I would drive for awhile,

or as long as it took for me to feel better.

There was something about driving on that winding road,

with the foaming ocean, sparkling in the sunshine to my right,

and million dollar homes on my left.

The wind whipping my hair around so much,

it would take me a half an hour to comb it smooth once I got home.

I loved it.

All that frustration just seemed to dissipate out those windows...

and that pit in my stomach would nearly subside.

That pit of feeling homesick...

Tonight,

at 6:10

I wished for one moment...I could be racing down PCH,

the windows open

the sun shining down on me...

instead of looking down,

seeing that it was 14 degrees

as I drove past the hospital

where Will died

exactly 6 months earlier...

But instead, the only things that were the same:

that car

and that pit in my stomach...

one that I really do think will always be there.

Maybe I should have rolled down all my windows.

That freezing air would have snapped me out of whatever fog I was in that moment...but then again, I just might have froze to death.

And that would have been a shame.

Because then none of us would get to see just how fabulous...

I'm convinced...

this story is really going to end.

6 months old

Will would be 6 months old today.
Oh, how I was wishing that this would be so much easier by now.
But honestly, it doesn't seem like 6 months to me.
To my heart it still feels like yesterday.
And the elephant is still sitting on my chest...
slowly suffocating me.

And I carry this heartache with me everywhere,
in everything I do.
By now, others have somewhat forgotten about it and probably assume that we have somewhat forgotten about it too.
Hardly.
Perhaps that is why I find myself feeling more alone that ever,
I'm still stuck while the rest of the world keeps moving.

But after all of this,
I don't move through life the way I used to.
I don't feel the way I used to.
And I don't value the things I used to.

Every second I had with Will is tucked down deep,
and I carry his heart in mine.
It has been difficult as many around us seem to dismiss all of this, and give me the "look" when I bring up his name.
Talking about him is all I have left.

And while things have not gotten easier,
they have become tolerable on most days. Its those friends, family, and strangers that lend a supportive thought, a quite prayer, and well wishes that help fill a tiny piece of that huge void losing Will has left in me. So I thank those of you who continue to pray, continue to call, and who don't give up on me...

through the grace of God and the kindness and compassion of other people,
I have been able to get this far.

Sweet Will ~ Mommy misses you so, so much...