Happy Birthday Sweet Baby...

Happy First Birthday, Will!

Today Daddy & I are celebrating your life, and the miraculous 52 hours we had with you...

You entered our world at 1:59 p.m. on a bright and sunny day. You were a fighter, and to us ~ perfect in every way. You had a piece of each of us built into you...Daddy's forehead and skinny knees, Mommy's mouth and hands, Grandma's toes, and Great-Grandpa's amazingly distinct blue eyes...the only surprise was all that dark hair!

It's hard to imagine what you would look like today, at a year old. We cherish that you will forever be a baby to us. In your short life you only felt love...no one uttered a harsh word or expressed unkindness to you. You only felt the love and prayers of your family and the hospital staff around you...and we will never know the full extent of your story and life on many others in this world. And the number of strangers praying for our family may never be known. But one thing is certain: You were here and you had weight in this world. You were loved and continue to be. And each day we wish you were here and miss you more that we ever thought possible.

We love you 'til the end...Mommy & Daddy

crazy

My brain in on overload,
so much in fact...
that I find myself taking naps just to stop the chaos in my head.
I am driving myself crazy.

This week since getting back from vacation
has been yet another emotional roller coaster.
Just to summarize:
2 interviews
A trip to the vet for Sophie's tail,
which wasn't moving and the vet said they might have to cut off.
WHAT?!
I totally broke down in the vet office,
not pretty.
After all that, turns out it was just a sprain and she is fine.
Was the whole drama about cutting off her tail really necessary.
We all know the answer to that...
Then on Monday I also started watching a 4 month old baby.
My plans were to begin a daycare here at home,
since I couldn't find a job.
I needed a schedule and some sort
of reliable income.

Silly me thought that I would watch
older children.
Instead I got 2 new babies.
What was I thinking?
I'll tell you.
When I started watching little man this week,
I can tell you that I wasn't thinking.
No wait,
I was thinking that by the time this day actually rolled around,
I would be pregnant.
That didn't happen,
and instead I found that crying myself to sleep was no longer a distant memory.

Please God,
make it stop.

So while I wait to hear about this last interview,
for a perfectly fitting job...
I pray that God hears my endless prayers.
I pray for peace,
and for calm,
and for a reason to get out of bed again.

Watching kids here is not a good idea,
it is too hard.
It brings to many "what would..." questions to mind,
and I have to wonder,
if none of this had happened,
if everything went the way we thought.
What would we be like?
Who would we be?

Because still,
even after a year...
the pain has not dulled
and the memories have not faded.
And still nothing significant has helped bring us up out of this...
at least not enough to know what we will be like...
who we will become now that this experience is woven into who we are.
Because we are still trying to pull ourselves out of the past
and are looking for a reason to bring hope in the present.

Prayer requests...

Time keeps creeping closer to the days I have been dreading for a really long time. On Friday, Will would have been one...and its a hard thing to imagine~that it has already been a year.

Another month of negative pregnancy tests
is just the latest realization that not a whole lot has changed for us.
Not yet anyways.
When Will passed away,
I didn't care about anything.
I wanted to die right along with him.
The only thing I wanted,
the only thing that gave a ray of hope,
was to be pregnant by the time this anniversary rolled around.
To make it slightly less painful,
to help make it bearable.
Now,
I'm just trying to keep it together...
to not ask why
or wonder how things could be different.

My other daily prayer
has been for a job.
I had a great interview last week,
and was actually surprised
when I got the "thank you but no thank you" email yesterday.
But I still hope that something will turn,
I have to.

The only thing I have left is hope.

So, tomorrow I have one last interview
for a truly perfect position.
A part time teaching job,
teaching my most favorite subjects:
Social Studies & Language Arts.
At the school I attended,
and had my most favorite and inspiring teachers.

To say that I hope this works out is an understatement.
I need this to happen.
For so many reasons...

Pics from CA

This was one of those vacations that you need a vacation from.

Orange County was busy, crazy...

and tons of fun.

We were occupied nearly every second,

and my challenge was adapting to the time change

and still finding ways to do and see everything and everyone that I wanted.

And overall, as hard as I tried,

it just didn't happen.

I could have stayed out there an extra month and still found things to do.

The best was seeing friends and visiting.

Which takes a lot of energy when you are used to sitting around alone all day.

And not being alone...

being surrounded by friends,

was something that I have needed for a really long time.

We hung out at the beach,

the pool,

got completely fried in the sun,

Tim went to an Angels game (I was busy being sick)...

we ate at our favorite restaraunts.

And we really tried to sit around and do nothing.

But most important is that we had fun...

July 4th was bittersweet,

we were surrounded by friends at their beautiful home.

Watching 3 different fireworks from atop the hill which is their backyard...

It was a far cry from last year,

being alone with Tim,

watching the fireworks from a wheelchair

while Will got the hiccups...

In many ways this year was better,

but in one big way it was not.

But that night,

was really the only time I felt really sad.

I always think its hard to be too depressed

when its 75 and sunny out all the time.

We did get something while we were out there,

a video of Will while he was alive from our friends.

It remains unwatched,

I'm not yet ready to lose that happy feeling from escaping my life for a week.

California chaos...

Do I have some catching up to do...
we just got back home
and this trip was so insane
I didn't even have a chance to check my email,
until the day before we left.

So never mind blogging about it,
while we were actually there.

It was everything we needed,
and then some.
Can't wait to tell you about it...
that is,
after I get my chaotic thoughts together.

For those of you I didn't get a chance to see,
I am so sorry and sad that there just weren't more hours in the day.
And for those of you I did get to hang out with,
I miss you already!

Stay tuned for the details and photos:)

the last week

Last week, after having a meltdown...
(Or should I say numerous meltdowns)
Tim threatened to put parental controls on our computers.
No more Facebook
and no more blogs...
except for my own.

Sometimes I look back at it all and wonder
how exactly have I evaded a padded room?
Its not too late I guess.

I'm realizing that hitting rock bottom,
didn't happen last August
or even at Christmas.
I was never guaranteed to start at the bottom
and work my way up a little bit each day since the day I came home from the hospital.
I'm realizing that for me?
Rock bottom has happened many times over the course of the last few months.

The words frustration and disappointment
don't even come close.
I'm mad at my circumstance,
mad at my life,
and even more furious with God.
Yes, in my heart, I scream at Him,
because so many little things could change
and ease this hurt.
But he has been silent.

The thing is,
I know exactly what has brought on this latest crisis.
The lack of anything to do or any job.
Summer was great while I taught,
because I was burned out from the school year.
But I don't need a summer right now,
it is like I have awakened from a deep hibernation.
And I'm starving for a job, a purpose...
and these days of doing nothing
are torture.
So what do I do?
I scope out Facebook and read all these other blogs,
which would be fine if things were fine with me...
but instead it is a constant reminder of how not-normal my life is at the moment...
and I don't need any extra reminders of what I yearn for.
So I have been banished,
at least for now.

On Wednesday we'll be in the O.C.
and while there is lots I want to do,
I am most looking forward to visiting people.
To having conversations...
Because as much as I talk to Sophie,
she has yet to answer me back.

This trip will be good,
I already looked at the weather and it said 0% chance of rain...
for a week straight.
A whole week of sunshiney warmness?
I won't know what to do with myself.
Check that...yes, I will.
I'll enjoy every stinking minute of it.

Crack fries, kayaking, and Father's Day

The weekend proved beneficial to help me recover from last week.
We had dinner with friends on Saturday night
at this awesome bar downtown...
I'm a huge fan of french fries,
but am addicted to this place because of their "crack fries"...
the name says it all.
Apparently, I'm not the only one.


Yesterday morning I took Tim kayaking down the river
as his Father's Day gift.
There has been a ton of rain lately,
and it was perfect timing.
Of all the days I wish I had my camera,
this was one of them.
We embarked our double kayak and
learned how to maneuver the river.
The last time we did this was in some remote lagoon
in Cabo San Lucas...and we encountered tons of blow fish.
No blow fish here,
but plenty of other stuff.


We saw the usual:
ducks, geese, turtles and swans...
until we made a wide turn and got stuck.
On a fallen tree.
We sat for a moment, rested,
and I reached out for the dead branch to push off.
Something crawled across my hand and I screamed.
The biggest spider I have ever seen in this state.
Tim yelled at me for scaring him until he saw the darn thing...
so LUCKY (especially for me) that I didn't get bit.
I shudder to imagine what could have been....


After that, the trip was not typical.
A beautiful butterfly landed on my hand.
A beaver popped up right next to the kayak with a mouth full of sticks...
I gasped again ~ apparently he was just as startled to see me when he popped to the surface.
Within a minute we passed tall grass and had another visitor,
a baby deer.
She just stared at us as we slowly passed,
close enough to touch her with our paddles.
Everything was amazingly beautiful and serene.
It was the perfect thing to do.


After that we managed to get up to Muskegon for a little family reunion.
Saw lots of family we haven't seen in a really long time,
Tim finally got to meet them:)
My grandma was able to come from the nursing home,
and sit with her family.
That has been another tough aspect I have never really written about here.
I left for CA and my grandmother was herself,
I came back and she is now another person...
Since Will, I have distanced myself from that grieving too.
Because its so sad, and I'm not that old...and neither is she.
But she will never see my children.
However, on Father's Day, all of her children and grandchildren
were together for one last time.
And I could tell she knew that.

So to know that my grandpa was the happiest he's been in a long time...
that made it all worth it, and helped me to feel a little better too.