Dreams & reality...

It has been so busy lately.

Now I know that God knew just what he was doing when he put this specific job in my path. Its only 2 days a week, but with planning, meetings, and other sub days I feel like my life has been one of those cartoons where it shows the old style calendar pages flying off the wall and blowing away.

The days have been blowing away...
And so I am getting used to trying to be normal again,
which is actually very hard after so many major changes.
But things are going okay.

But I get constant reminders that other's lives are quickly progressing as well, and then it seems like my life is going way too slow.
Still no baby...Still, we are waiting.

And I would be lying if I wrote that it didn't bother me. I'm sick of waiting, sick of feeling like a bad person when in my heart when I pray and all I can mutter sometimes is..."When will it be our turn?"

Yes, it is the last month before I try a drug to increase our chances. But I don't even want to think about that. There have been consultations and tests, yet nothing to say why its taking so long. So we wait. And we are tired.

And as we wait out these final days, I go from extremes. One day I hardly give it a thought, then the next I am fighting an urge that it won't ever happen for us. Thoughts of adoption to surrogates goes through my head. At times, the battle to stay positive seems like an endless ocean...yet every day I continue to hold onto some mysterious shred of hope..that one day soon, things will change.

And it will happen. Even thought I am sick of waiting.

But in other areas...Some other things are changing.
We are getting a new car.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal,
but in true Julie fashion~there is a great story behind it all.

Cars hold a special place for Tim and I.
Because life changing events have unfolded around ours...
Tim's car was bought the day after he returned home from Iraq.
I remember sitting in the dealership, worried that he was going to fall over from exhaustion.
He was on Iraq time, and yet we HAD to buy a car that day.
So his Jeep has been a trustworthy vehicle,
loaded with histories and memories of Camp Pendleton,
driving all over L.A.,
dropping him off for his 2nd tour in Iraq...
sitting there in the early morning,
watching him walk away and wondering if it would be the last time I would see him,
and lastly, me driving it across the country on my way back home.
Actually, Will and I sitting there for many days...
allowing me time to think about how great it all was going to be.
How great it was all supposed to be...
that disappointment is finally beginning to dull.

As the miles piled up on that car, so did the memories.
Now, its time for something else.
So when we started "sort of" looking it wasn't a big deal.
But of course, something showed up...
because we weren't planning on it.
Those of you that know me are going to laugh:
We bought a car on EBay.

Yes. Ebay.
My friends in CA know I buy everything from there.
My nurses and doctors watched me buy things (and sell too)
as I was laying in my hospital bed.
I love eBay.

So tomorrow, I will fly down to the dirty south (NC)
and pick up the car.
My girlfriend is meeting me for a girl's night in Charlotte.
I can't wait.
And I say "why not?"
I might as well live it up,
life is too short...so stay tuned for some pics.

What is that?
Oh its 80 degrees and sunny down there?
You mean I have to leave the rain and frigid temps?
Darn it:)
Perhaps I'll just stay down there.

Day "5"

Current wonderful things in my life...

I love the season of fall,
it is the one time of year when I love the cooler weather...
the leaves starting to change,
the clouds,
the comfort of staying in my home on a wretched-weather of a day.

Our home is peaceful,
the deer and animals are out back...
sometimes I feel like looking out my huge back window is some sort of strange nature exhibit, who knows what I'll see.

I have a wonderful husband,
who works harder than anyone else I know.
We keep each other in check and accountable,
making sure we bring our best to the table each day...
best of all,
he still makes me laugh...a lot.
We've been through more than most people endure in a lifetime,
I can't imagine anyone else standing by my side to face it.

Quite possibly, we have the best dog that God ever created...
she is never allowed to die.

There are lots of great things:
family, friends, teaching...
but also things that are not tangible:
faith & hope.
I guess the most notable thing right now,
is that for the first time in awhile...
I am once again happy to be me.
That is a hugely wonderful thing.

Day: I lost count...

The rain is coming down,
with the cool fall wind blowing outside.
I am sitting here in my cozy bathrobe with warm coffee...
home from work because I'm sick....
and also, totally content.

Something should be wrong
with being so busy that you actually fall ill.
That the only time a person gets to chill out
is when they are home with the chills and a fever.

But I have been waiting SO LONG
to be busy,
to have a job,
to have a new sense of purpose...
that I am not having a hard time with being sick,
but I am bummed that I had to cancel teaching.

These last few weeks,
I have felt more like myself
than in all the time since moving here.
I am just annoyed that I have not been able to keep up with
the daily gratitude challenge.
But that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it.

Where I left off, the next "assignment" was to write a message of thanks for some of the "negative" things in my life.
In thinking about this, I have mixed emotions...
At one point in my life,
having Tim in the Marines and deployed to Iraq brought up bitterness and longing feelings at what our lives could have been at the time...had he been home, had he not been so busy, had he not been wounded in Fallujah.
But now?
I look back at that time in CA as a great growing period.
A span of time that was probably just as painful for those that loved me,
as it was for both Tim & I.
And yet, enough time has passed that I can look back and see all the good it brought out in us...
suddenly, it is no longer a negative, but a very large positive.

Fast forward 6 years.
Here we are, in our move to Michigan and losing the child we loved more than ourselves.
Obviously, death can be labeled as a current negative thing in my life...and because I associate this loss with the act of moving here, they will always be grouped as one.
And many people are probably to the point of thinking
"It was 15 months ago, get over it already."
But...I know it doesn't work that way.
In due time.
I have learned not to be rushed in this.
Not to ignore it.
Not to let others impact the time my heart needs to grieve.

And today, I am grateful.
Grateful for many things because of the last 16 months. Grateful for many things people take for granted and assume that it is owed to them.
I am walking away from this with many things...
A stronger faith.
A better relationship with my spouse.
A greater appreciation for simple living in every day life.

I have learned to let go.
I am no longer a control freak.
I don't care about the hurtful things others say...
because in the end?
They can judge and then walk away.

Will's shadow and the endless possibilities of his life
will always be part of my existence.
Just as a shadow suddenly appears, so do thoughts of him.

And while I reached the lowest point a year after his death,
I am grateful to know that progress is being made.
Feelings of happiness and contentment find me...
when I watch the sun rise as I drive to work,
as I stand in my beautiful yard and talk with neighbors,
as I am able to spend time with people who helped carry this burden with me...
who never gave up on me...
who allowed me to be sad...
who didn't shy away behind excuses...
who loved me when my sadness was unbearable even to myself...
and who have been my protectors...my cheerleaders....
my friends.
Friends who are here because of the "negative" things.
Friends who I never would have become close with had all my dreams came true.

So, in the end, I have two choices in life.
Become bitter from the negatives...
or become better.
Obviously, you know which one I'm aiming for.

Day 3

Something I am grateful for today...

Being so busy that I feel shockingly normal again.

Challenge....Day 2

So on http://www.gratitudechallenge.com/
they give a calendar of ideas to follow.
I'm just going to do the concepts they suggest,
today was a good day but my creativity is
hindered by the fact that I really want to climb into bed and pass out at the moment...


Today, the suggestion is using the alphabet to make a list of things for which I feel grateful for...well, here goes...but this is already harder than it looks, and given that I am slightly delirious, it might turn out kind of odd because I am just going to type the first thing that comes to mind:)


Apples and going to the orchard in the fall.
Blogging. My personal form of therapy. And much more effective than counseling.
Church~I happen to be able to attend one of the coolest churches in the country, Mars Hill.
Dogs, especially my loveable Soph-a-loaf.
Eric my brother with Downs that always keeps me laughing.
Friends & Family
God...If I didn't believe in his grace and love there wouldn't be much point to me.
Husbands. I happen to think mine is one of the best after all we've been through together.
In-n-Out. The best hamburger place. Ever.
Jobs...so thankful for my new position
Kids~I love teaching and am grateful to do something I love.
Laughing....I do it alot, even if other people don't really find it funny. I can find humor in just about any situation.
Marines. Grateful for what they do, who they are, and the memories.
Nice people~no need to say more other than I wish there were more of them.
Obedient children...
Pictures. They are some of my most treasured possessions.
Quiet time...reading, walking, thinking
Random acts of kindness
Seasons changing. Sunny fall days are my favorite.
Traveling. I've been lucky to be able to travel all over the world.
United States. Love this country.
Vacations. Life is too short, take them every chance you get.
Will~grateful for his short time here with us.
Xoxo-hugs and kisses
Yoga~another form of therapy
Zzzzz's...I am grateful for an awesome bed which allows me to sleep like a baby.

Gratitude Challenge

A challenge.
Found in my inbox, from a company that I love.
So I thought, "why not?"
For the next 21 days I will be giving thanks
and blogging about it.

Accepting this challenge will help me to note
the positives (which there are many)
and I'm sure my blog will not only be more interesting...
but it will leave me feeling more aware of the brighter side of life.

So, more to come.
For the next 21 days I will post words of gratitude,
that is a challenge in itself (the actual writing every day part...not the lack of gratitude)!
Perhaps some of you will want to join me?

Comfort food.

Last fall, I remember how quickly time went.
Its still going so fast.
Every month, we wait to see if this is "the" month.
Once again...it isn't.
And it is so heartbreaking after all that has happened.
Waiting to have a baby is kind of the same as trying to find work.
You can do everything right and still not get it...which all around sucks.
And everywhere you look, other people have one...so why can't I?

I am grateful to be in a routine now,
me and excessive free time really shouldn't be friends.
As school occupies more of my time now,
work distracts me from thinking too much.
But deep down, the question is still there...
and burns even more with each friend that tells me they are pregnant with such ease.

There have been lots of bumps in the road this month.
And they are so stupid that I just want to throw my hands in the air
and wonder why some aspect of our lives just can't go smoothly.
All the mindless distractions are keeping me from doing
what I really need to do.
Sometimes, I really feel like my faith has been challenged enough
and one of these times it will shatter forever.

I guess you could say I had a bad day today.
We all have them.
How bad was mine?
Bad enough to skip out on spinning class tonight
and instead eat a Nutty Bar (yes, the same thing I tried to sneak and eat while in the hospital with diabetes).
Two packs actually...
enough said.