30 weeks and counting...

Where in the world has the time gone?

That is the question of the month for me.

As I stare at half a dozen blog posts that I started, 

then never actually posted...

I am again reminded how important it is for me to still write.

Because I don't want to forget this.

I don't want to forget what a great (but VERY busy!) month  May has been,

and that I survived my 2nd Mother's Day without Will with much more grace and dignity than the year before...that this May has not been a low point in my life like the last...and that I had a birthday this week but DID NOT have a nervous breakdown...

We're making huge progress, people.

I am finally able to breathe a little deeper now that we have reached the 30 week mark.

Can you believe it?

I almost can not.

It seems surreal at times,

because honestly there were so many dark days in the last two years in which I actually let the negative thoughts creep in...that something like this just wasn't in God's plan for me.

And as my sister began asking about baby showers and dates back in March and April,

I completely and utterly blew her off.

Because I kept waiting for something to happen.

A baby shower for me??

I'd be lying if I said the word "NEVER" didn't cross my mind.

Today is May 27th...

two years ago on May 26th, the day after my 29th birthday I walked into the hospital for a very long 7 week stay.

I can't believe its been two years.

At the time, I was 25 weeks along with Will.

This time, I am 30 weeks and things are completely different.

I can't imagine this baby being born at the same gestational age as Will...

only 2 weeks from now??

No. This time I am in it for the long stretch.

And in realizing that things are different this time,

I allowed my family to plan that baby shower.

Again, Surreal.

But allowing myself to feel excited again is a somewhat strange feeling.

Only to me, its not about what normal showers usually are...

for me, this is a full on celebration.

I think a lot of other people feel the same:)

Now if only I could merge my two home states,

Michigan & California for one day...

that would be so nice.

Because this celebration doesn't seem complete without so many that have been the distance with us...and have not the let the physical distance matter in any way.

Awhile back, in support group, we heard many couples referring to their child born after their loss...

their rainbow baby.

I thought it was a cute "label" but didn't use it much,

since others that had never heard of it made ignorant and not so funny comments...

But this baby...

is definitely our rainbow child.

Its taken lots of stormy and dark days,

along with countless tears and rain...

but it makes this particular rainbow

just that much more beautiful.

photo session

Over a month ago

we had a photo session and I finally have a few of the pictures to share...

I'm happy with the way they turned out,

and the entire time we were there

I just kept thinking to myself how blessed I was that this was finally happening.

And suddenly, its over a month and half later...

and soon we will be thinking about different pictures.

Family pictures with our newborn son.

There is not one day that passes in which I take this for granted...

and I must admit that I go to sleep every night thanking God for the newest revelation in my life...

the return of peace and near happiness.

It has eluded me for years...

and I am grateful to have it back.

Having these pictures is something we never got to do with Will,

so I am making sure I do things different this time.

And when I looked at these photos,

I saw something I haven't seen in either of us in a really long time.

A small piece of who we used to be...

Finally...a baby update

I had all these great plans to blog this month

(because plenty happened)

and then all the sudden I woke up and April is nearly over.

So in an attempt to catch up,

I'm doing a baby update first and then maybe later I'll actually get around to finishing all those half written posts I have piling up in my blog account.

Today I had another appointment with one of the high risk doctors I have been seeing.

I have been going every 2 weeks for certain measurements,

but today they measured our little man...

who really isn't all that little.

I was assured he is in the top percentile for growth and was told he is completely "normal" and we have genetics to thank for his size and weight which is officially over 2 lbs.

This shocked me because at 32 weeks, Will measured in at a bruising 3 1/2 lbs....so it'll be interesting to see where this guy ends up.

And even though I am 26 weeks tomorrow, our baby is measuring more at the 27 week mark which makes me want to jump for joy.

He has been moving a ton lately, much to my delight...

and often times we will be laying and watching a movie and I can't help but bust out laughing.

Because it feels so weird,

and I am just enjoying every minute of it.

Of course, during the ultrasound today he was moving around,

But not in a cooperative sort of way.

The only good picture is the one posted above,

because this baby loves to rub his face and keep his arms strategically placed in front of his head.

I think he wants to surprise us.

But the most important thing is that this pregnancy is going good.

Fluid is normal,

growth is good and unlike at this time with Will

I am not in the hospital on bed rest.

What a huge blessing.

New background...

Yes, I know...
this blog looks all jacked up.
I'm working on it, but it (like everything else I set my mind to lately)
ended up being a much bigger job than I had earlier anticipated.
I'm working on fixing it to be pretty (spring cleaning for my blog perhaps?),
and will post more soon.

But for now I am tired,
and I can't figure out how to make my banner look good...
amongst other things.
And now I hear Sophie throwing up in the other room.
I think I'll let Tim get that one...
Should have known,
I swear she knows that today it is the first time the hard wood floor has been mopped in over 6 months.
How awesome of her to let it be clean for a whole 6 hours.

I'm signing off for today and promise that things are going well (aside from my dog putting me over the edge).
And there will be an Easter in Chicago post coming soon.

photo session...

This week the weather has been absolutely beautiful...

so beautiful that I didn't waste away my days dreaming of California.

I can actually handle everything...

and then I remember why I was so productive in SoCal,

because sun+warm = motivation & happiness.

I'll take it.

On Tuesday, 

I picked up Tim from work and we got to do something we have been dreaming of for some time.

I regret not getting any professional pictures done in CA.

The scenery is awesome...

not to mention that we looked a whole lot younger and fresh (given that life hadn't beaten us up too badly...yet!)

But God works in mysterious ways.

The night Will died, the hospital called a volunteer photographer who came and gave us the most priceless gift.

And we knew from that night, we wanted Steve to photograph us again when the time was right...

so finally, after months (okay, almost years)

of waiting, I was finally able to call him up to schedule a maternity session.

We had a blast.

And the miracle was that our West Michigan weather totally cooperated.

And I had all these things I wanted to write about,

but I think the pictures speak for themselves...

once again.

It was as Tim had said, "We went full circle..."

Steve was there the night Will died,

he captured our most dark and vulnerable moment.

It felt incredible to have him photograph us now,

only this time with hope again in our eyes.

Please, visit his blog and read about our session.

Visit this link.

There are also some pictures posted,

I am eager to hear any comments!

As long as they are good:)

Because I was my own harshest critic,

asking if he could photo shop away my muffin tops.

Ha.

His only reply was to shout, "You're pregnant!"

Um, so I guess that is a no...

It doesn't matter.

These capture the moment.

What a huge blessing.

Steve was brought into our lives at the hardest moment,

now we look forward to him being there to document all the wonderful and exciting ones to come...

The lack of exercise...

This morning as I was putting on my makeup,

I suddenly realized that I was heading to the doctor

and it didn't even cross my mind not to wear mascara.

It was one of those things that changed as soon as we got Will's diagnosis...

I just stopped wearing eye makeup because every time I went to the doctor,

I cried.

And never mind wearing anything like that for months after he died...

But somewhere between all that and then right now,

I have learned to live again.

And I gladly put on mascara this morning,

a sign that things were...and are changing...

The doctor visit went fine.

Nothing new to report.

Sadly, my favorite ultrasound tech was not there,

so I didn't get hooked up with any sweet 3D images again.

But I am going back in 2 weeks and am not leaving without some sort of picture:)

Today, I was just so thankful to have a normal visit.

However, I did leave with something pretty great...

My own personal version of a lottery ticket.

It is worth some money, but only to me.

I am now the proud owner of a doctor's note...

that freezes my gym membership.

Yes.

I am officially relieved of any exercise or as the marines call it: PT,

or guilt associated with not going.

And I couldn't be more thrilled.

I literally danced downt the hall at the office, waving the note in my hand to my nurse friends...

For those of you that know me, this is funny. (and probably a little sad)

Being married to a Marine, means that we are a physically fit family.

And there is no such thing as not feeling well, or skipping out on working out...

I still remember being pregnant with Will,

living in CA before anything was amiss and being guilted into going to base to work out.

I went for Tim.

Really I went just so he would stop bugging me...

But being in the first trimester, as we drove I began to feel sick.

As we pulled up to the gym, I begged him to stop by the PX so I could get a snack.

I ran inside,

and grabbed a very nutritious snack.

The only thing that sounded good to my gurgling stomach:

A Cherry Coke and huge stick of Laughy-Taffy.

Yum.

I was then convinced that I was too sick to actually go inside with Tim.

He scoffed as I pointed out that I still "went TO the gym with him..."

And as my husband ran and worked his little heart out,

I sat in the car with the moon roof open,

relaxing in the warm California sun...drinking pop and eating candy.

And as a platoon of Marines ran by the parking lot,

I felt slightly guilty.

Especially when the Marines in back of the group (that looked like they were going to pass out) eye-balled me sitting in the car being a big fat lazy butt.

But here's the thing,

I really didn't care.

Just like now.

I am careful about what I eat because I don't want to become diabetic again,

and I want what is best for my body and the baby...

but when it comes to staying in shape?

Again, I really don't care.

Its not worth risking anything all over again.

Besides, I can always register for a jogging stroller and burn off those fat rolls...

after the baby is here safe and sound.

So not being able to work out?

I could not be happier:)

Preggy picture

With this pregnancy,

I'm trying to remember to take pictures and document in ways that I wish I had with Will's pregnancy.

So a few weeks back when I had some friends over,

I asked her to take a few pictures with her awesome camera.

Well...I guess a $1000 camera can't even do me some favors

and so out of a handful of pictures,

I will share one.

And that is only because so many long distance friends have asked...

so this awful picture is for them to see my "baby belly"

But, on Tuesday, Tim and I have a photo session scheduled.

This is special for a number of reasons. The first being its something we always talked about, but never actually have done. The only semi-decent pics we've had taken were our wedding photos, so its long overdue.

And also because we are going to see the photographer that volunteered his time and services to give us the incredible pictures of Will the night he died.

So I don't know what to expect...

but I do hope to get some great pictures that I can happily post here:)