What's in a name?

I'm thinking a lot about Will today,

he would have been 23 months old.

Only a month away from it being two years,

and also only a month away from having a new baby...

my mind has been heavy with lots of thoughts.

There are some days in which I still struggle,

with concerns that only a mother who has lost a baby can understand.

Is this baby going to look like Will?

Will the birth be happy, or will we miss him even more?

Either way, I am ready for change...

ready to have this new little guy in my arms.

And so we have been playing the name game for many weeks now.

Will's name evolved pretty quickly,

so its unlike Tim & I to be so indecisive.

But this one is hard.

So, only a few weeks away and still no definite name~

we have narrowed down a few, but I am guessing we will firmly decide once we see his little face...

after all, the name has to fit!

But in the meantime, time has been flying.

There have been some baby showers, and a flurry of last minute "to do's" before July hits...

Its still surreal that we have made it this far,

its exciting and scary at the same time.

We were sitting together the other night,

and it suddenly hit me...

"Holy crap, this is actually happening this time."

We've been waiting years.

And there were many times after Will's death when I actually thought this day would never come...

but things change.

And this change has been a really long time in coming.

Thankfulness and a mix of other emotions are setting in.

This is so much more complicated than simply a "new baby,"

there are so many other aspects rolled into this moment in our lives.

At this point, I have resorted back to my 

"one day at a time" mentality.

And so I am enjoying the pregnancy brain, the sore legs, and all the other things most people complain about...I am enjoying each day as it comes, knowing it is my own personal miracle...

and also knowing that soon this time will be over and we will look back and wonder where the days went.

32 weeks

Taking a break while putting together the crib.

After the paint job...and the infamous "elephant gray"

Before the transformation...but blogger wouldn't let me place this picture first (of course!)

So much has been going on around here,
its been hard to keep up.

I have not written a blog,

or even had time to really read any other blogs for that matter...

We have been busy getting ready for this baby.

And this has been such a great thing...

This last week marked 32 weeks.

Yes, 32 weeks.

I have to repeat it because sometimes I still don't believe I made it this far.

This is the gestational time that I gave birth to Will,

so its also hard to believe that when I see my stomach roll and change form

it means there is yet another little person in there who is even a little bigger than Will was when he was born.

I feel like I am carrying a miracle.

Just in the last month I feel like I can relax a little bit.

Enjoyment in the process is taking form.

My mom and the neighbors hosted a baby shower for me last week.

Again, a wonderful but surreal experience.

The next day, we put together baby furniture.

This furniture had been purchased years ago, while we lived in CA.

Its been moved and shaken so much, the boxes were being held together with tape.

Yet, somehow despite all the moves and rough handling the furniture remained perfect and it looks beautiful.

How can something so damaged on the outside still turn out nearly perfect??

I have no idea...

Then there is the nursery paint...

My dad volunteered to paint the walls a gorgeous color we found from Pottery Barn Kids called Elephant Gray.

Who knew elephants could also be purple or maybe even a shade of lavender??

The paint job looks fantastic, and if we were having a girl I would be smitten with this elephant gray...however, its not exactly the look we are going for with boy #2 on the way.

It actually didn't look purple until the sun hit the room the next day and we put the finished furniture next to the wall with all of the cute blue bedding we had.

Go figure.

And so putting together the nursery will have to wait a few more weeks until we can get the proper color on the walls.

But all these things; showers, putting furniture together and painting...

mark the beginning of something I thought might never happen.

As we make all the preparations I am constantly giving thanks.

It has been an extremely long road,

but having faith and being patient has paid off.

Although, I must admit that I was not so patient putting together the changing table...

especially when all the pieces fell on the garage floor.

Tim has become a pro at navigating my various pregnancy hormone fits that seem to come more frequently in the past few weeks:)

But with all these changes taking place

there is a huge transformation taking over this house...

both in the physical structure and in us.

And all I can say is that it is about time:)

But just like the room, its a work in progress...

but at least now, I'm beginning to see just what kind of progress we are making

and I am so, so thankful.

Last big appointment!

Its shocking to write 2 posts in one day...

but I had to share.

Today we had our last appointment with the high risk doctors.

They have officially cut me loose back to my "normal" doctor

and I have no further appointments with them.

YAY!

Everything looks good,

and he is measuring about 3 lbs 8 oz.

Its amazing how far technology has come in the past couple of years

and how we have been able to see so much just from one little ultrasound.

We didn't get the best pictures today, 

but they were a huge improvement from last time.

He is currently breech.

The last appointment he was head down with an arm and a foot in front of his face (see black & white pic), so...

this time I am content that we at least got an idea of what his face looks like.

But he was all over the place,

and that arm...still over his face.

So while I love looking at the 3D pictures, I know he probably won't look a whole lot like that in another 8-10 weeks.

But we are thrilled with the good news.

My c-section is scheduled for July 27th...

but if that actually goes according to plan,

I will be utterly shocked.

So here is to another two months of a completely boring and uneventful pregnancy! :)

30 weeks and counting...

Where in the world has the time gone?

That is the question of the month for me.

As I stare at half a dozen blog posts that I started, 

then never actually posted...

I am again reminded how important it is for me to still write.

Because I don't want to forget this.

I don't want to forget what a great (but VERY busy!) month  May has been,

and that I survived my 2nd Mother's Day without Will with much more grace and dignity than the year before...that this May has not been a low point in my life like the last...and that I had a birthday this week but DID NOT have a nervous breakdown...

We're making huge progress, people.

I am finally able to breathe a little deeper now that we have reached the 30 week mark.

Can you believe it?

I almost can not.

It seems surreal at times,

because honestly there were so many dark days in the last two years in which I actually let the negative thoughts creep in...that something like this just wasn't in God's plan for me.

And as my sister began asking about baby showers and dates back in March and April,

I completely and utterly blew her off.

Because I kept waiting for something to happen.

A baby shower for me??

I'd be lying if I said the word "NEVER" didn't cross my mind.

Today is May 27th...

two years ago on May 26th, the day after my 29th birthday I walked into the hospital for a very long 7 week stay.

I can't believe its been two years.

At the time, I was 25 weeks along with Will.

This time, I am 30 weeks and things are completely different.

I can't imagine this baby being born at the same gestational age as Will...

only 2 weeks from now??

No. This time I am in it for the long stretch.

And in realizing that things are different this time,

I allowed my family to plan that baby shower.

Again, Surreal.

But allowing myself to feel excited again is a somewhat strange feeling.

Only to me, its not about what normal showers usually are...

for me, this is a full on celebration.

I think a lot of other people feel the same:)

Now if only I could merge my two home states,

Michigan & California for one day...

that would be so nice.

Because this celebration doesn't seem complete without so many that have been the distance with us...and have not the let the physical distance matter in any way.

Awhile back, in support group, we heard many couples referring to their child born after their loss...

their rainbow baby.

I thought it was a cute "label" but didn't use it much,

since others that had never heard of it made ignorant and not so funny comments...

But this baby...

is definitely our rainbow child.

Its taken lots of stormy and dark days,

along with countless tears and rain...

but it makes this particular rainbow

just that much more beautiful.

photo session

Over a month ago

we had a photo session and I finally have a few of the pictures to share...

I'm happy with the way they turned out,

and the entire time we were there

I just kept thinking to myself how blessed I was that this was finally happening.

And suddenly, its over a month and half later...

and soon we will be thinking about different pictures.

Family pictures with our newborn son.

There is not one day that passes in which I take this for granted...

and I must admit that I go to sleep every night thanking God for the newest revelation in my life...

the return of peace and near happiness.

It has eluded me for years...

and I am grateful to have it back.

Having these pictures is something we never got to do with Will,

so I am making sure I do things different this time.

And when I looked at these photos,

I saw something I haven't seen in either of us in a really long time.

A small piece of who we used to be...

Finally...a baby update

I had all these great plans to blog this month

(because plenty happened)

and then all the sudden I woke up and April is nearly over.

So in an attempt to catch up,

I'm doing a baby update first and then maybe later I'll actually get around to finishing all those half written posts I have piling up in my blog account.

Today I had another appointment with one of the high risk doctors I have been seeing.

I have been going every 2 weeks for certain measurements,

but today they measured our little man...

who really isn't all that little.

I was assured he is in the top percentile for growth and was told he is completely "normal" and we have genetics to thank for his size and weight which is officially over 2 lbs.

This shocked me because at 32 weeks, Will measured in at a bruising 3 1/2 lbs....so it'll be interesting to see where this guy ends up.

And even though I am 26 weeks tomorrow, our baby is measuring more at the 27 week mark which makes me want to jump for joy.

He has been moving a ton lately, much to my delight...

and often times we will be laying and watching a movie and I can't help but bust out laughing.

Because it feels so weird,

and I am just enjoying every minute of it.

Of course, during the ultrasound today he was moving around,

But not in a cooperative sort of way.

The only good picture is the one posted above,

because this baby loves to rub his face and keep his arms strategically placed in front of his head.

I think he wants to surprise us.

But the most important thing is that this pregnancy is going good.

Fluid is normal,

growth is good and unlike at this time with Will

I am not in the hospital on bed rest.

What a huge blessing.

New background...

Yes, I know...
this blog looks all jacked up.
I'm working on it, but it (like everything else I set my mind to lately)
ended up being a much bigger job than I had earlier anticipated.
I'm working on fixing it to be pretty (spring cleaning for my blog perhaps?),
and will post more soon.

But for now I am tired,
and I can't figure out how to make my banner look good...
amongst other things.
And now I hear Sophie throwing up in the other room.
I think I'll let Tim get that one...
Should have known,
I swear she knows that today it is the first time the hard wood floor has been mopped in over 6 months.
How awesome of her to let it be clean for a whole 6 hours.

I'm signing off for today and promise that things are going well (aside from my dog putting me over the edge).
And there will be an Easter in Chicago post coming soon.