the waiting game

Everything is done,

or at least...

I think it is.

We don't have any future plans,

other than having to drive to the hospital soon.

And I am as ready as I will ever be.

I'm anxious and excited and scared and in disbelief that the time has come...

and now that I have reached 38 weeks

I am also very impatient.

All these precautions were taken so Jack wouldn't come early...

now he just wants to hang out in there.

I had my last appointment yesterday,

and left knowing this kid is going to be big.

I just can't wait to finally see and hold him.

It seems like we've been waiting forever,

and in some ways we really have.

So, now all I can do is sit here and wait.

And hope that maybe he wants to come out before Tuesday,

just to stir things up a bit...

Two years...

This week has been a roller coaster.

With what would have been Will's 2nd birthday quickly approaching on Saturday,

it is once again that time of year where we have been reflecting.

The question has been tossed around, "What do you want to do for Will's birthday?"

There is no answer.

There is no grave site to visit. Our baby is still here with us. His ashes are in a small heart shaped urn that most would mistakenly take for a paperweight.

It just wasn't in us to bury him...

And then if we had and we were ever to move...

I know we couldn't have left him here.

So he remains in our bedroom,

silently still a part of our every day lives.

The way it should be.

But on days like his birthday or anytime I want to do something special,

I am left wondering just what to do.

It never gets any easier, 

and this year is complicated.

We are so ready for our 2nd son.

And yesterday when I started having some random, slightly painful contractions

I kind of got anxious.

What if this baby is born on one of the two days I really don't him to be?

July 17th & 19th.

The day Will was born and then the day he died.

Those days are the only 2 in an entire year, that I really have a problem with.

I want this child to have his own day.

I want to be able to grieve Will on those days...

and not have to explain to my new son why mommy is both happy and sad if his birthday happens to fall then also.

But again, its not up to me.

A lot of people say, "Oh that would be special!"

I really don't believe so.

And instead of lying to make it seem better, I have to wonder if it was their family if they would feel the same...

Maybe if they were born on the same day, perhaps.

But I do not want this child to have to share a day with his brother's death.

Like I said, its complicated.

My body naturally knows that something is amiss right now.

It has been months since I woke up crying...

and I have moved past counting the weeks since I last held Will

to now counting the weeks until I will hold our 2nd baby.

Time changes some things,

but not all.

My motherly instinct leaves me crying more the last few days,

missing Will in ways that are hard to put into words.

Sure I'm happier than I have ever been in a long time.

But there is still that sadness.

And honestly, I believe there always will be to some extent.

In naming this baby, we had such a difficult time.

But we have finally decided.

And like everything else, there is a story behind it.

Its something I never really shared,

but to understand, it must be told.

Names are hard for me,

this is partly because I am a teacher.

And teachers have a hard time finding names because they associate nearly every name ever thought of with a student they either had, knew, or heard about in the teacher's lounge...

that is just the way it is:)

It comes with the territory.

Combine this with the fact that boy names are thus even harder for us,

when we became pregnant with Will we had one solid boy name we loved.

And so we casually tossed around other names,

but always seemed to come back to the "one".

Until all hell broke loose two years ago in March.

Suddenly we were faced with a new decision that left us feeling sick and guilty and all sorts of other unpleasant feelings...

this baby wasn't going to live.

Do we still use our favorite name? 

And the thing was, we felt guilty for even thinking this in our heads,

let alone questioning it aloud.

But we did question it,

because suddenly the name didn't seem right anymore.

Our first son needed a strong name.

A strong name because we wanted him to fight,

to prove everyone wrong...

and to live.

So we name him William James.

His first name after two people:

my grandfather who had fought in WWII and was a prisoner of war in Siberia for many years... and also a Capt. in the Marines that Tim had served with who was killed in Iraq...

His second name is also after two people:

This would be the only son of ours to share Tim's middle name, and yet again for another Capt. killed in Iraq.

And it just fit.

And he proved to be a fighter,

just like the men he was named after...

How do you choose another "perfect" name?

That has been our dilemma.

When I found out we were having another boy,

my first response that we were NOT going to name him what we had planned originally for Will.

It didn't seem fair.

In fact, I didn't overcome my guilt until one night the topic of choosing names for children came up at support group.

It turns out that a lot of parents felt the same...

and not only that,

they did the same thing too.

They didn't use a favorite or first choice name,

not because they didn't want their dying child to have it,

but because it just didn't fit under the new circumstances.

Now, I feel differently.

I absolutely love Will's name still to this day.

And we are going to honor Will, yet make sure our new son has his own identity.

His name is Jack Liam.

After all, he is still a part of this story that continues to be...

and even though Will died two years before his birth,

they are connected in so many ways.

And besides, we think its a perfect name for a little brother...

July is flying!

I honestly don't know where the time has gone.

4th of July weekend was supposed to be full of "down time",

with plenty of opportunities to catch up on blogging.

Obviously, that did not happen.

But we did have time to do some other things...

like finish the baby room (pictures to come), catch the new Twilight movie,

make cupcakes, and most importantly take lots of naps:)

As far as how things have really been going,

I have felt pretty good.

Except for this weather we have been having...

This has got to be the most muggy, humid and unbearably HOT summer in Michigan that I can ever remember...

and its really sucked.

Our air conditioning has been cranked since early June with only a few days off the week before July 4th when we had gorgeous "California" weather.

It makes me want to move back.

Along with the extended heat and humidity,

I suddenly began to swell up.

Kind of bad...

Then last week the headaches started.

Nothing major, just a dull ache in the front of my head which is unusual for me.

So I was concerned it could be something...

and after talking with my friends (who also are great nurses in the labor & delivery field)

it turns out that nothing is really going on.

Some were concerned it could be a condition called preeclampsia,

but after some good old drugs and more rest the endless headache began to diminish.

The last few days have been normal again as far as no headaches and no swelling,

but then again, its no longer 95 with unbearable humidity.

I can handle dry heat, its the humidity that is really starting to get to me.

Our AC is still going strong, thanks to the stuffy sticky air,

but I guess that is just the price we will have to pay for the time being.

I just miss nice, cool fresh air blowing through my house...

Its hard to believe that I only have two more doctor's visits,

then 2 weeks from tomorrow is my scheduled c-section.

I am getting nervous and anxious.

Secretly, I would love to start having contractions and just go to the hospital without any planning or anxiety being involved.

This week marks a full term pregnancy.

Can you even believe it??

I almost can't...

the end is nearly in sight,

then we begin yet another new and exciting chapter...

Shower pics

Where did June go?!

I remember the week before Thanksgiving when I found out that I was pregnant,

and in trying to figure out my due date before seeing the doctor...when I saw the month of July pop into the calculator online I thought that seemed like FOREVER away.

"If I can just make it to June..." I remember thinking.

Well, surprise, I have actually made it further this time-Hooray!

And its a sure sign to my body just how much further I have come with baby #2.

Because I AM HUGE.

But I also don't really care:)

That is...until I see myself in a picture.

And then its utterly disturbing, to realize just what I look like to everyone else.

But regardless, I'll be a good sport and share some pictures from the baby shower that my friends and step-sis put on for me in early June...even though I can't believe what I am seeing sometimes.

There are a few more pictures coming...

but blogger is messing them up again,

and I only have so much patience nowadays:)

But the baby showers are now done,

and July will be about getting his room ready, making last minute purchases on necessary baby items and relaxing until little man makes his debut.

My c-section is scheduled for the 27th,

part of me wishes that he might come a bit earlier, on his own time.

Its so strange to think of waking up on the 27th and having a baby by appointment,

kind of like going to the dentist.

Strange.

But after everything that has come before this,

I'll take it:)

What's in a name?

I'm thinking a lot about Will today,

he would have been 23 months old.

Only a month away from it being two years,

and also only a month away from having a new baby...

my mind has been heavy with lots of thoughts.

There are some days in which I still struggle,

with concerns that only a mother who has lost a baby can understand.

Is this baby going to look like Will?

Will the birth be happy, or will we miss him even more?

Either way, I am ready for change...

ready to have this new little guy in my arms.

And so we have been playing the name game for many weeks now.

Will's name evolved pretty quickly,

so its unlike Tim & I to be so indecisive.

But this one is hard.

So, only a few weeks away and still no definite name~

we have narrowed down a few, but I am guessing we will firmly decide once we see his little face...

after all, the name has to fit!

But in the meantime, time has been flying.

There have been some baby showers, and a flurry of last minute "to do's" before July hits...

Its still surreal that we have made it this far,

its exciting and scary at the same time.

We were sitting together the other night,

and it suddenly hit me...

"Holy crap, this is actually happening this time."

We've been waiting years.

And there were many times after Will's death when I actually thought this day would never come...

but things change.

And this change has been a really long time in coming.

Thankfulness and a mix of other emotions are setting in.

This is so much more complicated than simply a "new baby,"

there are so many other aspects rolled into this moment in our lives.

At this point, I have resorted back to my 

"one day at a time" mentality.

And so I am enjoying the pregnancy brain, the sore legs, and all the other things most people complain about...I am enjoying each day as it comes, knowing it is my own personal miracle...

and also knowing that soon this time will be over and we will look back and wonder where the days went.

32 weeks

Taking a break while putting together the crib.

After the paint job...and the infamous "elephant gray"

Before the transformation...but blogger wouldn't let me place this picture first (of course!)

So much has been going on around here,
its been hard to keep up.

I have not written a blog,

or even had time to really read any other blogs for that matter...

We have been busy getting ready for this baby.

And this has been such a great thing...

This last week marked 32 weeks.

Yes, 32 weeks.

I have to repeat it because sometimes I still don't believe I made it this far.

This is the gestational time that I gave birth to Will,

so its also hard to believe that when I see my stomach roll and change form

it means there is yet another little person in there who is even a little bigger than Will was when he was born.

I feel like I am carrying a miracle.

Just in the last month I feel like I can relax a little bit.

Enjoyment in the process is taking form.

My mom and the neighbors hosted a baby shower for me last week.

Again, a wonderful but surreal experience.

The next day, we put together baby furniture.

This furniture had been purchased years ago, while we lived in CA.

Its been moved and shaken so much, the boxes were being held together with tape.

Yet, somehow despite all the moves and rough handling the furniture remained perfect and it looks beautiful.

How can something so damaged on the outside still turn out nearly perfect??

I have no idea...

Then there is the nursery paint...

My dad volunteered to paint the walls a gorgeous color we found from Pottery Barn Kids called Elephant Gray.

Who knew elephants could also be purple or maybe even a shade of lavender??

The paint job looks fantastic, and if we were having a girl I would be smitten with this elephant gray...however, its not exactly the look we are going for with boy #2 on the way.

It actually didn't look purple until the sun hit the room the next day and we put the finished furniture next to the wall with all of the cute blue bedding we had.

Go figure.

And so putting together the nursery will have to wait a few more weeks until we can get the proper color on the walls.

But all these things; showers, putting furniture together and painting...

mark the beginning of something I thought might never happen.

As we make all the preparations I am constantly giving thanks.

It has been an extremely long road,

but having faith and being patient has paid off.

Although, I must admit that I was not so patient putting together the changing table...

especially when all the pieces fell on the garage floor.

Tim has become a pro at navigating my various pregnancy hormone fits that seem to come more frequently in the past few weeks:)

But with all these changes taking place

there is a huge transformation taking over this house...

both in the physical structure and in us.

And all I can say is that it is about time:)

But just like the room, its a work in progress...

but at least now, I'm beginning to see just what kind of progress we are making

and I am so, so thankful.

Last big appointment!

Its shocking to write 2 posts in one day...

but I had to share.

Today we had our last appointment with the high risk doctors.

They have officially cut me loose back to my "normal" doctor

and I have no further appointments with them.

YAY!

Everything looks good,

and he is measuring about 3 lbs 8 oz.

Its amazing how far technology has come in the past couple of years

and how we have been able to see so much just from one little ultrasound.

We didn't get the best pictures today, 

but they were a huge improvement from last time.

He is currently breech.

The last appointment he was head down with an arm and a foot in front of his face (see black & white pic), so...

this time I am content that we at least got an idea of what his face looks like.

But he was all over the place,

and that arm...still over his face.

So while I love looking at the 3D pictures, I know he probably won't look a whole lot like that in another 8-10 weeks.

But we are thrilled with the good news.

My c-section is scheduled for July 27th...

but if that actually goes according to plan,

I will be utterly shocked.

So here is to another two months of a completely boring and uneventful pregnancy! :)