2.5

Two and half years ago yesterday, Will died.

After all this time, nothing really has changed on the inside.

I still miss him terribly and think about him numerous times a day. That probably surprises a lot of people. But it really shouldn't...I have found that with Jack being born, people are quick to forget who came before.

But as a mother, you never do...

There are times when I glance at Jack, see a similarity and it causes me to catch my breath. We look out the window together at the falling snow and I tell him about his brother. He has no idea what I am talking about right now, but as he grows up, he will know about Will.

Most days now are filled with such crazy busy "mom tasks" like feeding Jack, keeping him happy and constantly changing him from outfit to outfit as he drools or throws up. I don't have time to be sad...in fact finding time to clean or change out of sweat pants still can be a challenge! And don't even get me started on trying to keep up with everything I want to blog about...

But every now and then he will look at me with those eyes, or cuddle up to me in the middle of the night after a bottle and I can't stop the tears from streaming down my face. I hug him as if I am hugging them both.

Jack is such a blessing and as his little personality is beginning to show...

I'm loving him twice as hard.

New Year...New Family

Our little family had a great Christmas this year...

and if there was one phrase that Tim and I found ourselves constantly repeating to ourselves and to each other was,

"What a difference a year makes."

This was the year we had been waiting MANY years for...

Jack has brought back a love for life that I thought I might never see again. The past few holidays were so painful without Will and without any sort of real hope that we often thought of selling everything we owned and escaping to some far away land. Some of our family & friends understood our grief and were supportive, while others were so painfully clueless that it has led us to simply cut out any sort of gatherings because we just couldn't take it.

What a difference a year makes...

New Years 2008, we were beat up. Without our son, in a new state, and me without a job...I'll be honest, there wasn't anything happy about life at that moment. I wanted out. January 2009 was the lowest point in my life and yet when I think back (isn't that really what New Years is all about? Reflection?) I have no idea what kept me from giving up except for one thing, there was about a gram of hope left in my soul. All I did was pray for that spec of hope to grow and as it did with time I also found my faith being restored...it simply HAD to get better than this.

New Years 2009, I had a secret that I had just shared with family. Even though I was about 12 weeks along I was terrified. Terrified that this would end up just like the other 3...and when I started having more complications last January I threw my hands in the air and was at a complete loss. I didn't even know what to pray...Did I pray for a miscarriage right then so it wouldn't be like Will all over again? Was that how damaged I was that I had given up even thinking it might turn out the way I had only started to allow myself to dare to dream? Each day in 2010 leading up to Jack's birth was an achievement.

New Years 2010...I stared at my dream come true laying in his crib. I cursed my neighbors for setting of fireworks in front of our house at midnight and waking me from my precious sleep...and I stared at Jack once again as he slept right through. This year, I was physically drained but finally emotionally and spiritually thriving. I finally felt myself again. It had been a long journey to get here...

But what a difference a year makes.

And now as we make our way into 2011 I wonder what this year will bring. No matter what it does, my resolution is to be better at blogging about it!!

Happy New Year:)

5 Months

Jack,

This past month has been full of the most changes so far. How do you change so much and so fast?! I know I keep saying this, but seriously! We had your doctor's appointment last week and you measured 26 inches and 18 pounds~the 90% percentile. You are officially growing out of your 3-6 months clothes and are in size 6-12 now.

So just how much have you changed this past month? You LOVE to "talk" and jabber all the time, it is a sound that daddy and I absolutely love to hear. It is so stinking cute. You also have started to laugh and giggle when we tickle and kiss you~so much fun!

Sophie is one of your most favorite things to watch. We will sit on the bed in the morning and you will talk to her:) You still like to sit up with help and we are waiting for the day for you to roll over intentionally and to sit on your own. But the Dr. says not to worry, you haven't yet because your belly is too fat and gets in the way!

Your hair is finally growing in and is a fuzzy light brown, almost blond. And to everyone's surprise (except for mommy's) your eyes are still blue. I am hoping they stay blue like mine:) Besides watching Soph and chewing on your favorite toy, a rubber teething Giraffe also named Sophie, you love to stand on our laps with us holding you up. But your legs are so strong! You can hold your own weight and I'm afraid your legs are going to be bowed because you pull yourself up on our laps so much!

This past week was your first Christmas and I know in a few weeks you will be sitting on your own. We are past the real baby stage and you have become so much fun as we watch you laugh and learn about everything around you! Now if only I could keep you from scratching up your face all the time! Here is a picture of you in your new hat that Opa sent...complete with the latest scratches to your face.

But my most favorite new thing you do? Watching you try to stick your toes in your mouth, which surprisingly you have accomplished...despite that chunky belly of yours!

Jack's 1st Halloween

Loving to stand all the time!

Daddy time.

Passed out after a long night of helping hand out candy at Dorothy's house!

Cutest caterpillar ever!

Halloween weekend was a blast with Jack.

We hung out with friends Saturday and Sunday night to hand out candy.

And he also had his 3 month pictures taken in Holland...

someone is just like their dad~pitching a fit when a camera is aimed at them.

As soon as the torture session was over, it was all smiles for Grandma in the car on the way home.

He was such a sport about being dressed in an overstuffed costume and being paraded around all weekend...many asked about his costume and I actually got it years ago while we lived in California. I couldn't pass it up and remember thinking that it would be perfect for a Halloween in Michigan where it feels more like winter. And I was right, it was freezing!

But Jack was snug as a bug...literally.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

This past weekend we marked our 3rd Walk to Remember in Honor of Will.

I can hardly believe this is the 3rd one...

and the transformation that has taken place.

When I look back at that first year picture and its so sunny and beautiful,

it feels like yesterday.

I feel the same way about our last night with Will.

It was so beautiful and yet even though its been over 2 years, it still feels like yesterday...

But this year, we had Jack.

And while many may think that it was easier or possibly more bearable,

I have to say that having a new baby does not fill the hole left by the one that passed.

They are two different people,

and if anything I was left to wonder just how Will would react to his new brother.

But instead, we made another balloon just for Jack to send up to Will.

That first year I dreamed that one day I would be able to bring a new baby to the walk...

and that it would be better.

It would be easier.

Well, it wasn't either.

It still is what it is and that is all.

Our lives are woven of people and memories,

and all these things come together in a sort of fabric that make us who we are.

Even though Will was only here a short time,

his memory continues to be woven throughout who I am...and what kind of mother I want to be for Jack.

And as more things are woven together, Will is not left behind as a memory...

I still carry his heart in mine,

no matter where I go...

Two Months!!

Wow, Jack Jack...you are getting so big!

These last two months with you have gone so fast,

I'm sure we will always feel this way about watching you grow.

What have you been up to the last month?

Well, a lot has changed!

You no longer have a big bald spot on the top of your head, you have finally sprouted some very fine brown hair~its too cute.

And when we look at you, I swear you grow before our eyes.

Last month your head was kind of slender,

but now your face and cheeks have filled out

and your little head is perfectly round like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Speaking of filling out, you now have rolls everywhere!

Your ankles, wrists and arms are all so chubby.

Packing on all that weight must tire you out,

but we don't mind since you have started sleeping between 4-6 hours through the night.

YAY!!

Mom has gained some sanity back:)

You are wearing 3-6 month clothes, but not for long...

some of your outfits are now 6-12 months.

You have started to sit up in your bumbo chair and swing,

mommy loves these things too because it gives her arms a nice break.

Tummy time is either fun or torture, depending on the day

but when you have had "enough" of anything or are about to flip out,

you like to warn us by kicking your legs really fast back and forth, especially the right one.

The other day we had your 2 month checkup,

the doctor walked in, took one look at you and stopped in his tracks.

"Wow," he said, "That is what a 4 months looks like, not a two month old!"

And sure enough, you weighed in at 14.5 pounds which is in the 95% percentile...

your carseat is getting heavy!

We wish we could freeze time and enjoy these days more.

Daddy comes home and you read a book together.

I know it won't be too long before you are able to really follow along.

I'm enjoying each day as it comes with you because these days are just going so quickly...

Soon enough you'll be sitting up and then moving...

I am not ready for that yet!

The end of summer...

At Grand Haven with Dad
Great Grandpa isn't used to crying babies!

So big in the bumbo chair & smiling as Sophie nudges his toes...

In just a few days, Jack will be two months old.
Everyone says that time goes so quickly with a baby,

and truly it does.

There are the days that drag by as we get used to our new routine,

and Jack cries enough where I sometimes join him.

But mostly we have settled into our new sense of normal,

and I can hardly believe that summer has come to an end.

Since my last blog, Jack has started to smile and laugh...

we take trips in the car and he stays asleep in his car seat. For this I am so grateful~he travels well.

We even made a trip to the east side of the state to shop at Sommerset & see Aunt Heidi and also to Muskegon to meet Great Grandpa.

And summer would not be complete without a trip to Grand Haven. Although, Jack wasn't too impressed with the beautiful view I'm sure next summer we'll have to drag him home!

I waited forever for this summer to arrive. Now we get to watch the leaves fall and visit apple orchards and watch football, all with our newest addition.

Sigh.

I am not ready for it to get cold,

this is where I really begin to miss California and the constant sun with temps in the 70's...not to mention that out there I wouldn't have to guess at what size winter clothes to buy for our little chunky monkey:)

Who happens to have his two month doctor visit in just a week,

we might have to have a contest to see what he weighs in at!