About that time...

This is the time in my pregnancy when I am about done...

except that I know my life is about to change into pure chaos,

so while I am ready to no longer be pregnant (the aches, pain and diabetes)

I am not yet ready to give up my 6+ hours of uninterrupted sleep at night.

Jack is crazy.

The kid is into everything. Walking. Opening doors. Stealing my phone...making huge messes. Normally this would not bother me.

But when we were at Walgreens the other day and he dropped 2 bags of cough drops on the floor on purpose I nearly burst into tears.

I can't bend over.

I can't pick things up off the floor.

I wanted to completely lose my mind...

and that is how I know I am ready to not be huge any more:)

But I am not yet ready for baby #3.

For the first time, I will have two children here with me.

I'm already a mother of 2 boys (soon to be 3) but I've never been able to hold more than one at a time...and they were years apart.

How is this going to work?

I'm excited yet scared and anxious. Even with having #3 here, I know our family won't feel complete. Jack will be a big brother. But he's never known being the little brother either.

Heavy stuff.

I've got a lot on my mind lately,

all while trying to keep up with Jack and get the new baby room ready.

We're also moving Jack's room to be by the new baby,

since moving out of this house won't be happening.

So I have 2 rooms to complete in just a matter of weeks.

It can be done.

Those are the easy things...

how do you explain about being a big brother to a 14 month old?

How do you prepare from going to having a single living child to two? All while focusing not on what could have or should have been and focusing instead of the living boys God has blessed us with?

The only constant in life is change.

But honestly, the only thing I wish I could change at the moment is to trade in my tired, exhausted body for someone with super-human strength...

'cause I could really use that right now:)

We are so excited for this new baby and to grow our family.

And as the leaves are starting to change

and the weather grows cooler,

I know its only a matter of weeks until we can finally meet him.

catch up

When I think about how far behind I've gotten in blogging,

it really blows my mind.

I used to write nearly every day when I began this as a hospital update over 3 years ago. And then after Will died, it was really my only outlet to deal with the incredible loss.

I cherish those entries...and looking back its crazy to see how far we have come in the last 3 years. Literally, I was on the brink of no hope. So devastated after losing Will just 3 months after I quit my job as a teacher in Southern California to start a new beginning in Michigan.

And then it was just wiped away.

I felt like I had lost everything,

and in a way...I really did.

But slowly, as days passed into weeks, which passed into months...I now sit here 3 years later with a 13 month old son and another healthy baby on the way who will be here in November.

And I feel so blessed.

Not just for my children,

but for everything along the journey.

I don't have time to blog like I used to.

But it is because of my little blessings that keep me busier than I have ever been in my life.

Sure, I miss writing like I used to.

But some day soon, the clinging little arms and whining will be all grown up...

and it will have gone so fast.

I would rather have this, then an empty (and clean!) house and hours to write because I have no one that needs me for hugs and naps and stories.

But in the meantime, I really do have to do at least one entry a week. Because I want to remember all of this too.

Life has finally found a new sense of normal.

It has taken a long time,

but there is always hope for better things to come if you have enough faith.

Even if at the time it seems only as big as a seed,

that is all it takes...

Jack's 1st Birthday

Jack's facial expression was so precious when everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to him!

Digging right in to his smash cake

Yummy Monkey Pops

Lots of treats!

Okay, so Jack's 1st birthday was nearly a month ago and I am just now getting around to writing about it...total slacker! Well, not really, I mean...a LOT has been going on around here but I did cheat just a little bit and change the post date to early August so it doesn't look so bad!

Jack's party turned out great. I know its probably not top on many people's list to go to a one year olds birthday party, but we are so grateful for the family and friends that made it over to celebrate with us. After all, I know Jack won't remember any of this, but truly...we have been waiting a LONG TIME to actually celebrate our child's birthday. And it was a time to celebrate...

I had a different theme all picked out and then once I got pregnant, I just didn't have the time or energy to go all out with it like I had wanted. So there is always next year. Instead, I found this super cute monkey theme on a website and they literally had everything I needed. So I took the path of least resistence! It turned out pretty cute. My addition was the monkey pop party favors, which after working all day on them Friday, turned out to taste just as good as they looked! Whew:)

Its hard to believe Jack is already one, and his little brother will be here in just a couple of short months. Three years ago exactly we were wondering just where our lives were headed without Will. We didn't have a whole lot of hope back then, but the shred of it I did have left...couldn't even have pictured how good we would have it now.

I'm so grateful and blessed.

Whirlwind

Jack's 1st Haircut

Visiting the bricks that Grandma & Grandpa had done in honor of Will in Rockford.

What a crazy time these past two weeks have been.

We made it through Will's 3rd Birthday and death anniversary

just looking towards the future and Jack's 1st Birthday to get us through.

This year was still difficult and being 23 weeks pregnant only made

me more emotional.

Then on July 21st my grandmother passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer's.

Even though I have been preparing for this for many years,

no matter what I might have thought, it still hit me hard.

I love my grandma,

she was the grandma I spent much time with growing up and knew the best.

So on Monday we had her funeral

and this week has felt like a roller coaster.

Again, death and birth all within a few days of each other.

And to think that just a few years ago July used to just be a completely boring month for our family!

But yesterday we celebrated Jack's 1st birthday with just the 3 of us.

He is such a good boy lately,

and I am loving him to pieces.

His big party is going to be Saturday and I am loving every minute of the preparations.

Its crazy and hectic,

but I have waited so long for this type of celebration.

My kids are going to grow up knowing just how special every year...every day...they are here on this earth really is.

As for me?

I'm looking forward to finally getting to party after all this mourning...

Its been a long time coming,

but so worth the wait.

How is Jack handling turning one?

He was a sport and was such a good boy for his 1st haircut...

we have had fun celebrating all the little "1st" this year has had to offer.

Will's 3rd Birthday

I remember every July so clearly since Will was born.

2008 being in the hospital and a huge storm whipping through the night before he was born.
2009 being so sucky as we were still grieving so hard and wondering why we couldn't get pregnant...
2010, being so darn hot and me about to explode in the heat...but determined NOT to have Jack born on his brother's birthday or the dreaded other day just 52 hours from now.
And here we are in 2011...surprisingly pregnant again, getting ready to celebrate Jack's 1st birthday in just 10 days.

This year I feel incredibly blessed,
but it doesn't take the sting of Will not being here away.
It still hurts.
But honestly, what hurts even worse is something that the passing of time brings...
the habit of forgetting.

Sure, I am planning a huge party for Jack.
But tomorrow I want to remember Will.
And we are supposed to get together with family, and some mentioned saving "time" and celebrating Jack's birthday early...

To me this is so hurtful.

I'm sure not intentional, but unfortunately we have a lot of family that rarely mentions our son, our grief and says things like "Oh yeah, we knew his birthday was around this time."

WHAT?!

And that is if they even say anything at all.
Hurtful because it is already an afterthought...
like he never existed.
And this is a battle every mother that has even lost a child has had to endure.
Because my heart won't even allow me to forget.

Happy 3rd Birthday, sweet Will.
Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like if you were still here...
what you would say,
what you would love to eat,
what you would love to play with...
and who you never got to become.

Your birthday changed daddy and me forever,
and we'll be better parents to your brothers because you were here first.
We love and miss you more than words can say...

And we are so grateful to our family and friends that are brave and strong enough to remember you...and who choose to remember, even though it isn't always easy.

3 for 3

So this is really late,

and I feel really bad about it...
but we had our 20 week ultrasound a couple of weeks ago.
I take for granted how easy it is just to post a one liner on Facebook anymore,
and that is about all the time I have lately because Jack is
INTO EVERYTHING!!

But we got word that he will have another partner in crime
in November...
A little brother to get into even more trouble with.

Tim and I were a little shocked that number 3 was another boy,
both of us feeling so blessed but wondering just how we would manage the chaos:)
But since they will only be 15 months apart,

I'm hoping they will be best buddies.

And the fact that we already are acquiring lots of boys things makes it super economical:)
I am so excited for this new little boy to join our family.
And from the look of the 3D images,
if I imagine in my head just right...
all 3 of my boys appear to have very similar features.

I'm just so thankful that everything is going well and he is healthy.
Now we play the name game...
and I am honestly out of boys names!

I promise to post the 3D pics of #3 as soon as I can get them downloaded:)

Where does the time go?!

I checked in on my blog and realized that I haven't posted anything for the entire month of June...what in the world is wrong with me?!

Oh yeah, I am pregnant and chasing after an 11 month old. Despite everything that we have been through, I have to confess that the other day we were driving and I told Tim that I was almost expecting something bad to happen again. I mean, the road with Jack hasn't been paved in gold, but he brings so much joy to our lives...and the past few months (now that I am past the morning sickness and such) things have been, well, good.

Do you realize that I thought I would NEVER be able to say that ever again after Will died??

I still have days where I cry, and miss him terribly. But the truth is, his death is just so much a part of me now that I carry it around without noticing it some days. Its always there, I always feel it...but I can now function and appear to others as if nothing ever happened.
Not sure if that is good or bad,
but that is what it is...

In a few days it will be July. Wednesday we find out if we are having a boy or girl. And somehow time just keeps moving forward. In just a few short weeks, Will would have been 3 years old. How did that happen? And how is Jack almost 1 already?

All I know, is that I enjoy every single day. Thus, the lack of blogs...I've just been too busy keeping up with my little monkey. But I want to write more, because one day, I'll want to look back and remember these good days, just as I continue to occasionally look back at my older blogs to remember the bad ones....

And say a huge prayer of thanks when I realize just how far we have come.