What have we been up to?!?!

Has it really been MONTHS since I've blogged?!?
Being a mommy to two little boys under 2...
well, I have finally met my match.
I am no longer the super organized, time-effecient, never-late woman that I used to be.
Oh, she's still in there...in spirit. But it may be years before I'm a version of my former self!
Wouldn't have it any other way.

So what have we been up to?
Surviving.
Every day is an adventure.
Sleep deprivation??
No wonder they use it on POW's...
you suddenly lose the ability to really care about non-important things.
Which is fine, and even after Will dying, it is impossible to go back to our former selves where I spent my time distracting myself with only temporary material things of this world.

But suddenly, summer is upon us and I am faced with the 4th year anniversary of Will's birth and death.
4 years.
It still doesn't seem real.
There is still a hole.
And there are days I just want to cry and be left alone,
only now I simply don't have that option.
People say that time heals all, anyone who had had their child die knows that this is complete crap.
It is the darkest thing, watching a piece of yourself die.
And suddenly I have been thrust into the past and having to watch friends come to know this pain.
It is the kind of tragedy where I silently wished it would never happen to anyone I know.
Life had other plans.

Trying to help someone when I know there is really nothing I can do is also frustrating.
Everyone grieves differently and has different situations.
But the pain is the same.
Only now, with time, I am the other person now.
The woman who lost her first child but now has two healthy boys.
Somehow this is supposed to lessen the initial blow that life dealt me.

But what about the feelings that never really go away?
The times when I swore I would never take me kids for granted or get angry or lose my patience?
Suddenly, I am a "normal" mom who's kids can drive her absolutely insane.
When did this suddenly happen?
At what point in time, did my grieving end and my life begin again?
And at what moment did I simply wish one of my son's would just STOP crying when I always longed to hear Will make any noise at all?

Even as I type, Jack is climbing on me like a human jungle gym even though he has a mountain of toys and a sand table to keep him occupied here outside while I try to type my first blog in months?!!?
I am annoyed.
Why?
Because I am human.
And I am a mom who now not only has to juggle a 23 month old and a 7 month old and push back those moments when I still think to myself that there should be a nearly 4 year old here too.

And so my observation to those new parents who suddenly find themselves without their baby they longed so much for?
Life somehow continues.
You find a new sense of normal.
Yet you never forget and you are never the person you were before.
How could you be?
And even with the birth of an additional child there are struggles, because after all, how can you ever stop thinking about "what could have been/should have been?"
You don't. And you can't.
In your mind, you keep that alive.
Because thinking about what your life would be like if they were still alive...well, its honestly the only thing you have left of your child that has died.
So you imagine them in your family at that moment, and find peace that someday your family will be whole and comlete again.
Just not here on this earth,
or even in this lifetime.
And that is why you never really "get over it."

New Month, new goals

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing and this blog for awhile,

and given that its Febuary 1st already,

there is only one thing for certain...

time just keeps going.

And the longer I don't write and this blogs just sits,

it isn't helping anyone...

including myself.

It was the conversation with a friend the other day

that really got me serious about my "calling" as many have referred to.

Another mom lost her sweet baby...

and I know in my heart that she won't be the last.

Sadly, babies dying is still a thing that most don't want to think about...

or its followed with the famous

"Well, at least...(fill in the blank)" comments that most people say because the truth is that they DON'T know what in the world to say, and that really isn't their fault because its not like any of us took a class in "grieving or compassion or even how to balance a check book" in high school. And God knows we need lessons in all of these and more to really function in this world.

After Will died, I've had many friends call me with similar stories.

Someone they know lost a child and they don't know what to do.

Mostly, they ask me what to NOT say.

I have always been a very open person, it doesn't pain me to talk about anything in regards to Will's life, his death or even how we have been learning to live again since.

If I can help one person it makes his death a little less painful.

Its my way of healing myself.

That might sound selfish, but by sharing his story, I breathe life back into his existence since I coudn't breathe it into his little body while he was here on earth.

Any mother can understand this.

So that brings me back to this blog,

I started it in the hospital as an update.

Now I look back and its a valuable tool on those days when I feel like I am still in that dark place when I came home empty handed to a cold, dark house.

We still struggle.

Two beautiful babies later, there is still a void.

And I know that it is okay to admit this while other people in the same position are afraid to.

I know I need to write more.

Not only for helping others, but also to help myself.

My end goal is to write that book everyone has been bugging me about.

There. I finally wrote it.

Now its out in cyber world...instead of just empty words floating in my head.

Prayers that somehow it comes to be,

and that I can find the talent, energy and TIME to accomplish it!

The Joys

So I had to share these...

Things are going great with Declan~

such an easygoing and happy baby.

Jack was my difficult one,

and still can be:)

As I was taking these photos of the Declan in his new outfit the other day, Jack was eating in his highchair just a few feet away in the kitchen. You see, I have to restrain the kid whenever I take photos of Declan since he's always trying to kiss him (very cute, I know) and gets in the way. Well, after a few shots, Jack starts in with the whining. Then the screaming. I have tried everything with this kid, he screams all the time and it drives me insane. So I try to ignore it completely...unless it gets out of control like in this situation. I turned around after a few minutes to see this scene and busted out laughing. Serves the kid right. Because in his world, getting a piece of lunch meat stuck on top of his head would be an emergency...

And never mind the yogurt covered pretzels the kid had managed to smear everywhere. Seriously? And all over the super cute brand new shirt he had been wearing for about 30 minutes...

I love having boys:)

World's Greatest Dog

The past few months have been trying for our family.

Not only was I pregnant with Declan, which we weren't planning on although it was a great surprise!...

our beloved dog, Sophie began to get sick in the spring.

While most people believe they have a great pet,

our dog was truly the kind of dog you only have once in a lifetime if you are lucky.

And yesterday, after months of searching for what was wrong with her,

we had to say goodbye.

Sophie has been a huge part of our family for 6 years and we can't believe she is gone.

She was our "fur child" in California and we can still remember the day we drove down to San Diego to pick her up. She was a sweetheart from the very first moment...and I am not exaggerating when I say she was an amazing pet.

For a lab, she was incredibly mild. And even more amazingly is that she didn't chew things, she never dug holes, she didn't bark and she never had an accident in the house...

I remember Tim and I taking her to obedience classes in San Clemente and the trainer pretty much ruling her out for 1st place because of her breed. Well, just tell Tim that something isn't possible and see what happens. The last night of class, there was a test to see what animals scored the most points. Tim bounded through the door and slammed a trophy on the counter while proudly exclaiming, "There are no f*#@ing losers in this family!" It was the 1st time in that class that a lab had placed first...

We loved Sophie like a child, and treated her like one of the family. We often had friends watch her because she was so sensitive that we hated to leave her at some strange kennel. This led to what we called the "Sophie-effect." Nearly everyone that watched her either wanted to adopt her or they decided to get their own dog shortly after.

Sophie was the kind of dog that made everyone want a pet...

And now we're left with amazing memories and that nagging feeling that her life was ended much too soon. She had a lot of life left and we'll always wonder what went wrong.

Yet again, we'll have to wait until heaven for answers.

I won't lie. Even though she is a dog, it brings back serious feelings with losing Will. She has seen us through so much and I feel like once again we failed a living creature that counted on us. I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't here after Will died. She was a constant friend and we already feel a huge void.

And worst of all...our boys won't grow up with the best dog ever.

Sophie is irreplaceable.
She helped us laugh when we felt like dying.
Entertained us in only ways a dog can.
And was always there when it seemed like no one else in the world was...
Sure, she could be a pain
but who isn't?!
And as we pet her and talked to her as her life left her body on a cold December day...
it pained me greatly.
Too many similarities.
And that awful helpless feeling like we had yet again failed somehow when something we loved so much was dying long before they were supposed to.
And again, after years of planning and training we thought we had trained our dog so our boys could grow up knowing that kind of joy.
The house is filled with chaos,
yet it still feels strangely empty...
a feeling I was hoping was gone for a long time...

free time...

Not that I ever had much free time after Jack,

but now even that little much I MIGHT have had during a random nap or after bedtime is a distant memory...

even now I am typing with one hand and holding a screaming Declan in the other.

Motherhood is glorious:)

This week, Tim headed back to work and I quickly realized that this was going to get overwhelming pretty quickly. Someone once said the hardest jump is going from no kids to your first one. I have found this to be utter crap. Not only am a recovering from my 3rd c-section (which is not going well and is an entirely different story) I am also outnumbered most of the time. Newborns are demanding enough with feedings and diaper changes, pair that with my strong-willed Jack and it can be a chaotic scene around here rather quickly.

Thank God for sweatpants and my nasty bathrobe with pockets. At one time, this robe came from the most luxurious resort Southern California had to offer: The Montage Resort and Spa in Laguna Beach....I can assure you that is is anything but nowadays! My robe that is...not the hotel, which in my most trying moments I can escape to for a moment in my mind when I need a quick sanity check.

Being a stay at home mom is easily the HARDEST job I have ever had to do. Harder than dealing with rich clients at that luxury resort, harder than guiding a classroom full of children, harder than saying goodbye to my husband for a deployment to Iraq...But seeing my two healthy children together is precious to me and makes even those hardest days worth it. And how could you not want to eat up those two precious faces in the photos. The brotherly love is so sweet to watch...And Jack is quickly coming around (most of the time).

Sure. I live in sweatpants lately. Whatever. I also live in the woods with no one around to see me...If I still lived in SoCal I know I would feel a bit more ashamed. So to keep a higher standard for myself, today I didn't just put on any sweatpants. I pulled out my new Juicy Couture ones, still with tags and prided myself that only a month ago I couldn't even pull them over my huge thighs. They now fit. Here's to getting a little piece of the old Julie back:)

Introducing Declan Thomas

Getting ready to go home!

I can't believe our baby is over a week old already!

Declan Thomas was born according to plan on 11.11.11 at 11:58 am.

He has been an amazingly easy baby...

its Jack that has been keeping us on our toes this last week.

I am not surprised!

Declan sleeps all the time.

He hardly cries.

This is truly an easy baby so far.

And thank goodness because Jack is giving us a run for our money.

The kid is SLOWLY adjusting to having someone else around.

For right now, I'm doing good just putting up some pictures!

So thankful that he is here safe and sound!

The final countdown

Can it really be happening this week?!

I am in shock that we'll be driving to the hospital in just 3 days to meet our newest addition. In the meantime, I know that I have been meaning to get this blog updated...

and here is the truth,

I have typed out 3 blogs and then my computer won't let me post them.

I about had a nervous breakdown, so after taking a week break from attempting to post anything, this one is going to be short and sweet but with some photos.

The nursery is done.

It was super easy and fun and Tim and I really enjoyed doing a little bit each night.

And then there was Halloween,

which was also so much fun this year with Jack.

He was a goldfish and tolerated being paraded around like a champ. But of course, the photos of that won't download tonight...so there are after and before's of the nursery since I couldn't seem to get those in the right order either. These days, I pick my battles. Something is better than nothing, right?

So these last few days I have been spending a lot of time just being with Jack and enjoying our last few moments of 1 on 1 time. Reading and playing cars and doing puzzles...

because come Friday, our world is about to get rocked.

In a crazy good way:)