GVSU

Nothing like a busy weekend to get out of a rut. Well, almost.

Saturday I woke up convinced to have a good day. The sun was shining, I had a Tastefully Simple party during the day and that night we were going to a football game with my dad.

Things were on track until I was driving to the party and there it was: another stupid thing happening to me (if you are confused, please refer back to the previous post)

I went straight to nervous breakdown mode.

What could possibly put me over the edge?

A closed exit on the freeway.

A closed exit, with no detour...which led me to the 'hood.

Normally, I wouldn't care.

But driving around in my Audi with Cali plates in an area I had no idea about...in my mindset...was not a priority on my "to-do" list.

Because I honestly pity anyone that would try to do anything.

There's no telling what 6 months of pent-up rage might cause me to do.

Good thing for Tim. He talked me through the tears and frustration. And he looked on Mapquest. Why was I so frustrated? I'm allowed to get lost in California where the streets are windy and go all which ways...not in Michigan: where I grew up and the streets are planned in a grid lock pattern. So...I was late too. Another thing that I hate. But what gets me the most is this is how grief works, and its horrible. Getting infuriated over small things is not me at all.

But the party was fun. Met lots of great people, who shocked me by saying they read this blog. Again, proof that this whole thing is so beyond my ability to fully understand just how many lives have been touched by Will.

I got home feeling like I had at least accomplished something. Unlike when I came home from subbing on Thursday and immediately poured a glass of wine and grabbed a carton of Ben & Jerry's.
Enough said.

The rest of the day proceeded without incident.
That night we put on our GVSU shirts and headed to the first football game we have been to as alumni...not students.
Wow. How things have changed.

Not just the school. But us too.

The last football field I was on....was USC's.

Grand Valley's field looked like some high school, and I was shocked.

Just another moment for me when I realized...for as much as I hated so many things about California...being out there shattered my rose colored glasses. And whether I like it or not, living in Orange County has left a permanent mark on me.

I'm still deciding if that is a good or bad thing. Probably both.

And that goes hand in hand with the question we get asked the most...

"Why did you move from California to Michigan?"

Our answer has never changed, only our circumstance: to raise a family...

Now we are just left with more questions that have no answers.

But today I can look up to the heavens and say something that I couldn't bring myself to say before and actually mean it:

I trust you.

White flag

After my last blog I posted on Wednesday, I had a few days of sheer meltdown...things were really rough. So rough that Friday I did not leave the house.
I think I cried more in those three days than in the entire last month combined.
Which pretty much means that I was crying constantly. Crying while I walked to take Sophie outside, while I cleaned the house, while I mowed the lawn.
Not sure what brought it on, but it doesn't matter: I couldn't get a grip.
So...I just let it come.

Maybe it was the two month anniversary, or a sudden surge of hormones, or working again, or just getting overly tired...
But whatever it was,
I was waving my white flag.

But what got me really down were small things mounting on top of this one big thing.
I'm not so sure I believe in luck, whether its good or bad. But whatever we have here in life, whether its God's purpose, with a little combination or luck or fate or chance...
I just happen to have stupid crap happen to me.
And it about drives me over the edge.
Its like my friend said,
"Julie, you would win the lottery and then the ticket would get lost."

Exactly.

My experiences lately have been frustrating. More frustrating than usual because I'm not in the usual sort of mindset to deal with it as I have in the past. Because in the past I would usually laugh or make fun of it and then shrug it off.

Its been like driving through a mall parking lot during the holidays. No parking spots, the tension and frustration mount. Then three rows over you see a spot. The sun shines again.
There is hope that you will now be able to park the car and move onto the next step...which is what you have been waiting for~shopping.
Then, out of nowhere someone takes that spot.
But you saw it first.
And you decided that because you saw it, and could see yourself parking there...it was yours.
But that spot was never yours....

And un-beknownst to you, it was never meant to be.
It was only your parking spot in your head.
And now you are back to square one. Or so you think...
because all you can dwell on is what would've happened if you had gotten that parking spot.

I know...crazy. I have officially gone crazy. Or so I thought I had, for a few days anyways.
Because so many little, stupid things happened and I just couldn't handle it on top of what I am already dealing with. And I won't go into what all happened. Because they are stupid...and maybe even a little funny now that they are in the past. But what's important is how annoyed I was, even angy, when they happened.
So lately, when I really don't know what to pray for anymore...because sometimes I feel that I don't pray for the right thing anyways...

I simply pray for the strength to take something good away from all of this...
and for the ability to conquer all those little stupid things life dishes out...and to just let it go.

Two months

Two whole months have passed.
How is that even possible?
I feel like he was just here, and then again, to us he is always here. Will is literally always on our minds...on our hearts.

So today, we trudge on...and I'm trying not to think about the future...when instead of counting the months and days, we will be counting the years without him.

A friend passed this poem onto me in an email. I don't know who the author is, but I'm grateful to have it. I don't think there will ever be a day when I can read it without crying.

Today I saw you crying

I sent you lots of love

I hope that you can feel it

I'm here just up above

Today I jumped from cloud to cloud

And flew across the sky

And God told me all about you

And why you often cry

He told me you were special

And your love for me so deep

He told me that one day I'll meet you here

And in your arms I'll leap

I met a nice man the other day

He sat me on his knee

He told me that he knew you, Mom

And do you know what else he told me?

He told me all about you

About your pretty face

About your kindness, love and joy

And about your sweet grace

I told that man I knew you

Cause we were once so close

I grew in your belly, Mommy

Just beneath your clothes

I told that man you talked to me

And prayed for me each night

And how I felt your love right there

and how you would hug me tight

No, your not a stranger, Mom

Although we're now apart

It's really not that far, Mommy

I know I'm in your heart

I can't wait to see you Mommy

God says you'll be here soon

Until then, I'm with you

And I love you to the moon

No go...

I'll be really frank~there are moments I'm so mad at God I can hardly stand it.
And I tell him.

He already knows, but somehow...voicing it directly to him makes me feel better. Kind of like having a fight with someone and then instead of letting it stew inside of you and making your own life miserable you finally get the courage to tell them...to confront them on how you feel.
And then its out. All the words, the feelings...no longer stuffed down inside. And by releasing them I find a small amount of peace and can come to terms with most of it.

Most of it. Not all...
That will take a lifetime and lots of prayers.

Obviously, I know that he knows what he is doing...even if I don't have a clue. But still...there is so much that I don't understand. Will never understand.
Included in this is the results of the interview last week. I just got the call. And although I was seriously planning on not taking it (because when I really thought about it, it isn't worth the extra $10 a day to do all the fun stuff like grade papers, plan lessons, and deal with discipline problems...)

I at least wanted to know I was good enough to get it.

I have one word that might describe what happened: politics.
Something tells me I didn't have a fighting chance.
(gasp) Or they read my blog and didn't hire me based on my inability to excel at math... Is this the huge failing streak that happens to people before they succeed and then they look back and eventually laugh? I hope so. But I am so not laughing right now.

Do I care about the job part? No.
But what a huge blow to my already bruised ego.
And again, I am left standing here scratching my head...

Algebra

I'm in a fog today. Probably brought by many things and then there's the weather: monsoons of rain, thick and hazy, but super muggy. Ugh. But I have been keeping busy trying not to think about everything...but don't think I don't think about it anyways. I can run, but it seems I can never hide.

Yesterday and today I was a substitute at the middle school. The days went great, and I think the interview went alright too. But who knows. This morning I walked into the classroom and nearly fell over...because guess what I got to use today...

A huge, ugly, really green chalkboard.

I seriously laughed out loud. Then I called Tim and told him too (we could always use a little humor in our lives). For those of you wondering why in the world this is such a huge deal...well, let's just say that I've never actually taught a class (ever) using a chalkboard. A white board~sure. An awesome active board that is like a computer on the wall~even better. But a chalkboard? Nothing like a little true "old school"...is that where the saying comes from anyways??? I figured they had done away with chalkboards a super long time ago...

So not only did I survive inhaling chalk all morning, I also survived teaching 8th grade algebra (for those of you that truly know me, you understand what a miracle this is)...didn't I fail algebra in college or something? In 8th grade, I couldn't even tell you what algebra was, I was still practically counting on my fingers...wait. Sometimes I still do~True Confessions of a Teacher.

For occasions like this, I knew that I should have bought the most awesome shirt I had ever seen when I had the chance...
"I'm too pretty to do math."

tomorrow

So tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. What is it with September 11th?
Seven years ago every one's life changed dramatically. Being connected to the military meant ours would change even more, and then there are all those memories attached to that date. None of them good. And so when I went to my first doctors appointment in CA and he told me Will's due date was the 11th...

I replied, "My don't want my baby to be born on the 11th!"
Didn't expect to be right, in the worst sort of way. But I didn't want him born on that specific day for a number of reasons. Now? I wouldn't care what day he was born on...And it didn't matter anyway, after that appointment every other doctor I went to gave out a different date~the 13th, 15th...Let's just say this was to be Will's week.

So I have been making sure to keep busy over these tough days. Tomorrow, I will sub for the first time since May. And then at that same school I have an interview for a long term sub job. Nothing like a little extra stress.

I really don't know what to think about any of it. I have to admit that I am totally confused about what I am supposed to doing or even why I should do it.
And I am not used to being this confused about what I want.

Or maybe its that I only want the one thing that I can no longer have. Yes, that is it.

Yoga...

Yesterday was a fast day that ended in my first (much anticipated) yoga class. My new friend signed up with me and I was so thankful to have a buddy with me. We both needed some relaxation and a stress release. I know it will get better, but last nights class kind of stressed me out.

We all know what happens to bodies after baby. Hah. Well, after having a c-section and then being on bedrest for so long and not even allowed to walk outside my hospital room, I thought that I had gradually been building up my strength well...Yeah, right. 15 minutes into whatever poses we were doing, I was shaking like a leaf and my arms were about to fall off.
And all I could do was laugh. Typical Julie move...I'm sitting there, looking stupid...in pain...straining like I'm 60 years old...and all I can do is sit there and laugh. Because I know I looked ridiculous. And all I kept saying to myself..."It can only get better from here."

I felt like a real winner when the instructor came up to me and asked if I was okay. Maybe I should have given her a little background that included the phrase..."Bedrest for more than 8 weeks..." But my pride got in the way...in my mind I'm still that person I was not too long ago that was benchpressing and lifting weights with Marines on Camp Pendleton. Well, this class was sure a reality check. The only thing I could utter to the instructor after all of these thoughts flashed through my mind was...just had a baby in July...

The class was good though. I kept up as best I could and at the end, we did some sort of relaxation/meditation. I was just relieved it was almost over.
Then she turned out the lights, and as we were relaxing every single muscle of our body, she said, "Okay, now I want you to close your eyes and go to your most favorite place, whether its the beach, the mountains, or your lazy boy at home..."

And instantly...I was back in that little room holding Will.

It took me by complete surprise that I didn't even think to think about that. It just popped into my head, with no warning. I wasn't even thinking about any of that stuff as I was laying on that floor. And it totally shocked me how quickly and clearly it came into my mind.

And its moments like that...that continue to knock the wind out of me.

Moments that a memory is stirred from something so seemingly insignificant. And it was shocking.
A single tear forced its way from under my right eye and ever so slowly dripped down towards my cheek and then into my ear. I have never been so conscious of one single tear.
And I was grateful that the lights were out. That it was dark and I could have that moment to myself.

Then, the song changed and on came the instrumental version of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On....

The moment?...it is SO gone...Oh my goodness...Somebody shoot me. I hate that damn song.