Happy Halloween.

This one actually made me laugh...we could all use a little more of that. If someone could have taken my thoughts and put them into a cartoon for this craptacular day~well, here ya go.

Freezing.

Today I was in need of little kid hugs.
Bad.
But there was one problem...all of the kiddies that I wanted hugs from were 2000 miles away.
If there is one huge thing I miss about teaching, its that a little hug can go a huge way.

So as I ate my words spoken to a friend last night (that I had turned a corner in this whole grief thing), I answered back to this brutal day with much indifference...and by refusing to get out of my bathrobe until 2:00. And as I did meaningless tasks around the house I wondered if it is quite possible to have a midlife crisis before you turn 30.

I think in my case...you could grant an exception.
I also think that this whole downward spiral of today was set off by attending support group last night. And it just kind of spilled over.

So instead of little kid hugs, I face planted myself (more like flung my entire body in utter disgust) on the bed and sobbed. Sophie provided some comfort and let me hug her until I think she finally became disgusted with me too...and left. Apparently, her smelly bed on the laundry room floor was more appealing than listening to me wail at God.

Whatever.
I know this too shall pass. I'm just too impatient with the whole process...and as it gets to be freezing cold (my eyes bugged out of my head when I looked out the window and saw flurries this morning) I'm starting to miss the warm sunshine. So look out Cali friends, I'm determined to make a visit out there before I turn into an icicle. And I'm also pretty sure this is the palest I have been in 6 years...

Time

How can it already be a new week?? Not complaining...but this whole life in fast forward thing is getting a bit old. I keep waiting for the day when I suddenly wake up and I'm 80. As I try to recall what I have spent my time doing, that is where I have the problem.

I can't remember.

All I know is that I subbed a couple times, had three Tastefully Simple parties last week (those were the highlight), have been dealing with Tim's little fender bender, and somewhere in there went to the dentist for the first time out here.

Ah. The dentist.

Super nice office people here. Told me I had great teeth (do they say this to everyone???) and then the dentist told me that I must grind or clench at night.
Yucky.
I was actually shocked...and
I was mortified.

And if you know me...you know that there is a story behind why I feel this way. Because Tim grinds his teeth at night. Hard. And when he came back from Iraq, it was SO bad. I told him to either find a mouthguard or find a new wife. Seriously. It would wake me out of a dead sleep, and he didn't realize he wasn't sleeping well at all either because of it. So, he listened and problem solved. Who would have known that a mouthguard could save a marriage?!

Well, now I guess I have the problem.
Including headaches when I wake up.
No doubtedly, brought on by stress.
Shocker.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Back to the dentist.
The assistance was super nice. Talked to me for awhile. Due to filling out the new paperwork with being a new patient, I had to give my history...meds I was on...all the fun stuff.

So of course, she asked about the baby.
I had to tell her.
And of course...she started to cry.


And she looked at me and just said,
"I know there is nothing I can say...but just know that I am so sorry."

And as I think back, it made me remember something else. Because I had said the exact same thing to someone not so long ago...Standing in the kitchen with a Marine wife, whose husband had just been killed. On her fridge was a little kids picture...a countdown calendar...

87 days until daddy comes home!

The family had just found out...the countdown had remained untouched. The answering machine unchanged. And as I stood there talking to her, she said something I understood even back then.

"There is nothing anyone can do for me..."

She was just saying something that anyone who has ever lost someone close has felt, it wasn't mean, she was just being honest. And I knew she was right. Nothing anyone does or says can make it magically disappear. And I cried, because I felt helpless and wanted to help, but knew that I couldn't. And as I looked at her little kids, I would have done anything to try and make it disappear. But I couldn't. I also knew the one thing NOT to say..."I understand." Because the truth was, I really didn't. My husband was still alive. There weren't any kids I had to make understand why their dad wasn't coming home.

And at the time, when I brought her over food. It had felt so inadequate. So besides the food, I have made a point to pray for that family, and remember that Marine...every single day. Because you don't want others to forget someone you loved...or love...or still remember every single day when other people go humming about their lives.

Why am I writing about all of this? I have just felt compelled to share with everyone, that I know how much people must fret over saying the right things, or what to do, when something like this happens.

I've been there.

But now, after having gone through this...still going through this...I wanted to share just how much I am grateful for all the things so many people have done. And all the things people continue to do. What has been a light in this endless black hole. I have truly appreciated the thoughts and prayers. The cards and notes, even months later, probably...honestly...I need even more now. Because life gets "insane" and busy...and people seem to forget.

But we never do...and when people do remember...it just means a lot.

This weekend, I came across an awesome website. It is from Focus on the Family and the topic is "What NOT to say..."
Its great.

It speaks in relevance to miscarriage...but I think it can be applied to so much more. I especially like the "God has a purpose" bit.

http://www.troubledwith.com/LoveandSex/A000000341.cfm?topic=love%20and%20sex%3a%20miscarriage

Words can play such a crucial role in grieving. Actions speak even louder. When a long time friend stopped by out of the blue with bags of groceries from our favorite store just a day after we came home, I was so touched it brought tears to my eyes. And it was the most perfect thing for so many reasons.

Because Tim and I have a weakness. And that is asking for anything...especially help. So when people say, "Let us know if we can do anything...Or, let us know if you need anything"

We don't.

Even though there was a ton of things we had to do but just couldn't.

Like go to the store.

Or cut the grass.

Or even walk Sophie because we weren't ready to face the world outside of the walls of our house.

And I know people want to help.

They want to know what to do.

They want to know what to say or how to make it better.

And the truth is, even if its only the words that the dental assistant spoke...it is better than saying nothing.

And honestly, what she said was perfect.

I don't get it.

So, just when we're getting life back together.
Just when I am starting to feel better...almost optimistic that life will start to be okay.

I thought it was against the rules to get punched in the face when you were already down in the ring...oh yeah...
In life, there are no rules.

Tim (who works 6 days a week from 7-9 nearly every day) left for work this morning at 8. Yes, we actually decided to sleep in an hour since its Saturday and all...you could say we were living it up.

Someone runs a red light in a desolate intersection.
Tim slams on the brakes...fishtails out of control.
Avoids the other car...
Doesn't avoid the curb.
Curb saves him from rolling over in the ditch in his Jeep.
Other car keeps going...never stops.
The Jeep is towed, back wheel is nearly falling off because he hit the curb so hard.

I've gotten enough bad calls to last me a lifetime.
Didn't need one more, "I've been in an accident."
At least it wasn't from the state police though...

Tim is pretty shook up now. Hard to imagine. As he stood there in the rain and talked to the police I couldn't help but laugh at the different experience levels. Tim is amazing. Always keeps his cool, never freaks out, and is standing there laughing with the cop. I can tell they are talking about the Marines...probably about snipers.
That always seems to come up when they see the stickers on the back windows...

But I'm done.
We're frustrated.
Someone else is an idiot and we get stuck with the $500 deductible and scrambling to find a rental car. Oh yeah, and our insurance company sucks.
We went through Costco thinking they would be with someone good.
Hardly.
I plan on using my writing skills to light up Ameriprise in a very colorful letter to Costco.

But in the meantime...I'm frustrated, sad, pissed off. All the emotions I was finally starting to overcome. So now I just have to wonder,
What is God trying to do anyway?
And does he really have a purpose for these things happening?
I really don't think so...I think he's up there just as sad as we are.

Check it out!

Okay. So its Friday night...I'm finishing my blog that I started earlier and got distracted...
No shocker there.
However-
I found something insanely cool.
And I had to share it with all of those I love:)

Check out this site:
http://www.unclaimed.org/

I have to warn you, its addicting. And your significant other may walk into the room several times and bother you to watch a movie as you search for your family members...your friends...and anyone else you can think of.

If you find something...Wahoo!
And if you find a fortune,
you know where to find me:)

Whoever said money can't buy happiness obviously didn't have any...just joking:)

Whew! That's done...

There are many things for which I am thanking God today.
First, is that yesterday is over.
Second, is that I am finished with those ridiculous tests. And I don't know what the heck flossing has to do with elementary education, but there was a question on the test about it...maybe its the fact that now teachers have to literally teach everything from math to personal hygiene...

It doesn't matter, all I care about is that I am done with it. And hopefully for good. Thank you for all who thought about me and prayed today. I went there this morning with a sense of peace, which was a huge blessing.

Tonight we are goint to attempt to go hear Rob Bell speak about his new book. Super excited, but preparing myself for complete chaos. I'm guessing everyone else will be there too. Since Saturday nights are soooo exciting in Grand Rapids (just a hint of sarcasm there).

Just another attempt to keep moving forward...but even as I type, I'm remembering Will.
Its 5:51 pm on a Saturday night...
Only this time...
I've actually lost count over exactly how many weeks its been.

Three months

Seriously, there are no words today.
The memories are like it happened yesterday...and so are the tears.

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much.

Tomorrow I take the Michigan tests that I have to pass in order to transfer my credential over to this state. I pray that my brain goes back to normal for just the day...so I can do what I need to do and pass. I don't know if the added stress from the test is wearing on me or what.
But this is the hardest day I have had in a really long time.