Good news

Make sure you are sitting down...
I'm actually going to post some good news.
Sounds crazy,
but I have been waiting to write something actually, truly good for a really long time...

First, I got offered a part time job at a local school district.
Its 2 full days a week (Tues. & Thurs), for the entire school year.
I'll be a Media Specialist.
Once I actually know what this exactly means:
I will let you know.
Given that somewhere around 200 people apply for one job around here
(and there have been only a handful of openings this year with so many cuts and budget problems)
I feel very blessed to have been offered this.
It is perfect for where I am right now...
and I am breathing a little easier for the first time a long time.

Second, is that I had an "infertility" procedure done at the hospital this morning.
Aside from totally crying because you all know how much I love it when people poke and prod at me, and my MOST FAVORITE THING is getting those awesome pelvic exams...
well, it was bound to be a fabulous morning in radiology.
Not to mention simply the feel and smell of that place take me back in time.
So its no surprise that the tears flowed.

They inserted a tube with dye and then took x-rays to make sure the path was clear.
Well, first off...I felt right away as they were digging, that it wasn't.
I was not happy.
The doctor was perplexed as why she couldn't see the liquid.
And I was secretly cursing no one in general
that I even had to be there to begin with.
After a minor setback, which made me glad that I did go through with this...
it was all over.
No problems~no more obvious road blocks.
So we shall see.

My mind is now free from concern,
and we have a green light to proceed.
And if it does happen,
I can't help but think how great my new work schedule will be...
This week has been the kind of week I have waited nearly 18 months for.
So thankful its finally here.

Breaking Point

August.
No, I haven't written much.
There have been lots of reasons,
and I am finally where I need to be
so that I can really understand why.

Shortly after Will's anniversary,
we had friends out from California.
GREAT TIMES=Total distraction from reality.
After they left I was overcome with such a tense anxiety.
This feeling, truly led me to think that I must be going crazy.
I couldn't stop...
being angry at God,
crying,
obsessing over what I must have done wrong during interviews to always get that rejection,
questioning why in the hell I was getting worse with time and not better.

And finally a great friend,
offered a referral to go and talk with someone.
Because honestly, I could hardly stand myself
or our life...
anymore.
It was that bad.

But suddenly, I had a professional listening to everything,
and telling me that I wasn't crazy,
and that I wasn't even depressed.
No, I didn't suffer from anxiety...
and all the reasons I gave for my bad emotions?
A reason for them all.
And the weight lifted off my shoulders....

I am suffering from severe grief,
which is not the same as depression.
And why has everything started to fall into place?
We were told to read a book.
This is not just any book,
in fact,
I have read a lot of child loss and grieving books and this is totally different.
It is so different and so beneficial that I think every single person should read it.
Because it is not specific to any particular loss,
and has the potential to help recover the biggest of broken hearts.
The Grief Recovery Handbook

In fact, I would love for anyone to read this and
then share with me what they think.
I believe this book is for everyone, it will change the way you look at grief and how we "deal" with it...But more on that later.

In the meantime,
other things have been going on.
I have been dropping of my resume and had a few interviews.
This is really hard.
Waiting has never been a strong point for me.

And while I try to relax,
I also went to the doctor this week.
After some discussion, I am going to the hospital for a procedure tomorrow.
This will allow them to make sure I don't have any scar tissue,
or anything else evident going on...since I can't seem to get pregnant.
I am nervous.
In being proactive, I am wanting to believe it will be good...
however, I am afraid at what they may find.
Please pray that it goes well.

What a month.
The next week has the potential to be significant,
but instead of focusing on things happening that are outside of my control...
I'm going to continue to read that book...and take steps to heal this gaping hole in my heart.

Summer in pictures...

Just a little of what we have been up to lately...

lots of water,

lots of storms,

lots of happy wags from Sophie's whip of a tail:)

Will's new frame

Last fall we found this frame,
and knew we had to have it.
So for Will's 1st birthday...
we decided to give ourselves a present
in an attempt to somehow make it hurt a little less.

When it arrived the night before our company from CA arrived,
I quickly unwrapped it...
and it took my breath away.
Too perfect.
I love it...
And every word is true.

Make it stop...

There has been something heavy on my shoulders,
and it feels like its been a really long time.
The load wasn't dropped all at once,
it was more like one brick at a time...
so that as I slowly started shriveling under the weight,
it wasn't so significant that those around me took any notice.

As these bricks settled on me, one at a time,
I tried so hard to carry the weight...
to not show my weakness,
to not ask for help.
And now, as I finally crumble and fall from the weight of this last year,
and all its bricks,
those around me looked shocked.
That is,
if they even look at all.

These bricks took form after months of an unsure future...
after interviews that led to nothing (including the last one that would have been perfect)...
after trying to make sense of the ruins around me and not finding anything.

However, for some reason God felt the need to put them there.
And as I grapple with this concept,
the heart of who I am,
who I was,
is finally being forever changed by the added weight.

And I feel like I am completely falling a part.
There is no way to answer the questions in my head,
to find reason in any of it at all.
Why did we move here if Will was just going to die?
Why am I still not pregnant?
Why are there so many interviews, yet no job?
Why does God keep ignoring my prayers?

As I type this,
I am crying.
I am extremely let down by our move to Michigan.
This is something I deeply regret.
It has led to our son's death...and to other losses.
All because we tried to do the right thing,
so how does it seem that we are instead being punished.

This is the bottom for me,
where anger at everything finally lashes out,
where I want to scream
but I am just so exhausted from it all.
I simply would like two things that most people take for granted,
in fact,
a lot of people have both and don't realize how blessed they are:
a job and a child.
And I just want to quit...
because this is just so wrong.

Today...

...I am trying to...

Find the motivation to get out of my pajamas and into the shower...

Pray constantly for peace and patience while I wait for that phone call...

Stretch my pathetic legs out after not "honoring my body" and pushing just a little too much at yoga last night...

Not completely lose my mind...waiting for that phone call...

Get rid of my migraine by popping Excedrin and guzzling as much Diet Coke as possible...

Cuddle in bed with my big, fat 70 lb. lap dog...

Tell myself that I am happy with my current circumstances...

Make some chicken salad and not eat more pizza...

Imagine what might be in store for me in another year...

Go to the bank...

Take as many naps as possible so I won't have to think about my fate or my headache...

Not waste time on facebook...

Thank God in all circumstances, even if the outcome is not what I want...

Today is a new year of sorts...
This weekend marked one year,
and it was a time where both Tim & I reflected
on everything from our move across the country,
to jobs,
to wanting kids,
to what we think this next year will bring.
Overall, a lot of unknowns...
just the same as this time last year.


Yesterday was challenging
as we relived our last hours with our son
while he was with us on earth.
And today, marks one year that I have been home.
Right around this time, I was discharged...
marking something many people take for granted.
Freedom.


Freedom to walk,
to eat whatever I wanted,
to be outside,
to sleep in my own bed,
and to cry in privacy instead of hiding in the shower...


Right around this time,
we were making that dreaded trip down the hospital hallway
for the last time.
And as I was loaded into the car,
without a baby,
my body broken...
I vowed to survive this.
And I kept repeating this to myself.
I repeated it over and over,
as we had our first meal outside the hospital in 8 weeks.
Then at the funeral home,
where we were left alone to make arrangements.


As I walked into that place,
it was so surreal.
We had only lived here for 4 months
and I was already visiting the mortuary and funeral home,
where I had attended numerous funerals while growing up.
I never thought I would be back here so soon,
and especially not for my own child.
But as I walked in there,
I knew.
Will was there,
I felt it in my soul,
in my body,
in my aching heart.


That kind of aching doesn't really go away,
but I can say
that it is no longer the same piercing pain it was.
Then again,
maybe it is,
I have just learned to live with it.
It is now a piece of who I am.

But I also have a different feeling,
a feeling of survival.
We made it through our first year without him.
Its been ugly and painful,
but here we are.
And we are functioning,
just a little differently than before.

To me,
it is one less year I have to live without part of my heart.
And in some strange way
I feel relief.
One year down...
how many more in still unknown,
but this is a start.
We are no longer at the beginning.
This may sound really strange to some,
but I am sure it has to make sense to a few.

And so here we go.
I figure that the more days that pass from now on,
bring us closer to something good.
Whether its a baby or a job,
we are closer today...
than a year ago today.
That much is for sure.

And another thing I know for sure,
I would not have been able to get this far without the love, prayers and support from so many of you...