Special Day.

Today was bittersweet. Tim brought Sophie up to the hospital for a visit. I miss her so much, she made us laugh, which was much needed. 

The day started with my new special diet...not too bad, although the one thing I could control is now out of my hands also. No more finding comfort in a bag of Doritos and a Coke...

Tim said goodbye tonight also. That was harder than we thought it would be, all this time away from the Marines has turned us into regular cry-babies, I guess it was tough for both of us just because him leaving now is totally different than before. He has been my other "comfort" so now that I have to go without Tim and various foods I am starting to get nervous!

Unbelievable.

The internet has not been working right here at all. So I can't post online regularly, which drives me absolutely crazy. My last blog got cut off, and so doesn't read right either.

This morning, I had my glucose test. To make a long story short, I failed it. So besides all of my current problems, I now have gestational diabetes. I cried. I'm mad. The last thing I want is to be on a restricted diet and have further complications. The more I pray, the more stuff goes crazy here. At least that is how I feel. 

Overall, I am trying to keep it together. Tim leaves for New Jersey tomorrow night for 12 days. I am dreading that.

Day Nine.

Nine whole days in the same hospital room...That is a miracle in itself.

Certain things have been helping me get by. One of them being the internet, which, would not work properly last night (or today) sending me into a fit of frustration and near rage. All I wanted to do was buy a dress shirt for Tim and post a blog online (easily the most productive things I would have done all day). Not meant to be...

This morning I had my growth ultrasound. The results are about the same:

~no fluid still! Huge bummer....especially since I have been drinking water like that is my only job

~Baby is just under 2 lbs now...he needs to gain 1 more ounce.

Day Seven.

Woke up this morning super groggy and out of it from the sleeping pill they gave me. That is because people keep waking me up to do things, then I fall asleep and my phone rings or another nurse comes in. I am exhausted...you'd think I'd be getting the best vacation/sleep of my life. The truth is: being in the hospital is exhausting and hard work!

I hope its the medicine anyways. This morning I had to drink this bottle of sugary water (the nastiest thing ever) so they could then draw blood and make sure I haven't developed diabetes. Mark that down on the list of awesome things happening lately. So now I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. I would love to sleep but know its only a matter of time before someone else comes to torture me...

News update: While I was typing earlier a had a couple of visitors and had to stop posting, so now for the update to the 2 paragraphs above.

1. Baby is very active, heartbeat is good. He is a mover!

2. My blood work from the glucose test came back. I failed it by 2 points. Yes...I said 2 points. One of the nurses came in to tell me (she is awesome and one of my favorites) and I really didn't care until she said that now I have to do it all over again on Friday. Only next time I have to drink twice as much junk and they will draw my blood once every hour for 3 straight hours. In typical Julie fashion I completely freaked (she was laughing...so it wasn't that bad) and now I am over it. I won't be a happy camper on Friday though...because I can't eat all morning either. I accused her of messing with the results because I keep ringing her call button for water:)

3. While all this was happening, I got another huge surprise. My old high school boyfriend strolled in dressed in scrubs. We had been good friends through college and then once I moved to CA, we just lost communication. So, needless to say, I was completely dumbfounded to find out he is a medical student here at this hospital until July. Truly, God works in mysterious ways. Nothing like a good old distraction from my usual daily torture. I still can't believe it.

So like I said before...my mind is over-stimulated with all this chaos. Literally. I keep talking to God, praying, and just wondering if sometimes he is playing this joke on me...I mean seriously, who really checks into the hospital and then there is a helicopter crash, a run in with an ex-boyfriend, and various other strange events all in the same week?! Welcome to my life. God has a wonderful sense of humor, and thank goodness he blessed me with the ability to laugh at all of this too, or I would seriously would lose it.

Day Six.

Yesterday after I posted my blog, my day went from crap to completely wonderful. Funny how that works...I had a feeling too. Sometimes when things get really bad, I know that it HAS to get better. And yesterday, it did.

I had the most wonderful surprise visit from an old friend Kelly and her mom last night. They walked in and I was in complete shock and started to cry. Kelly was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I haven't seen her in years...I was so grateful for their visit. As my mom always said, "with true friends it doesn't matter how long you haven't seen each other, you get together and talk as if you have never been apart." Thank you so much for coming to see me...

After they left Tim took me for my daily wheelchair ride. It is warm here, so it was nice to get some fresh air. My mom pulled up curb side and dropped off some care packages that arrived to her house from everyone at A.V.C.S. 

I cannot thank you all enough for all of your thoughtfulness, everything is sooooo awesome and I am truly grateful for all the fun gifts and letters. The nurses are quite jealous of the fuzzy green blanket and my new slippers (which are both perfect by the way). And the reading material is seriously just what I needed. I will be emailing soon to set up a time for Chuck, Betina, and I to figure out a way for me to "see" you soon....via the web cam.

So today I just hung out and was able to my new book and the magazines. A pretty uneventful and blessed day since time went relatively quickly again. Tomorrow marks one week in the hospital...amazing. Thank you for your continued prayers, I truly feel the support and that is what makes this bearable.

Looney Tunes...

I am trying so, so hard. But today I am finally losing it.

Typing these posts helps, but many times I find I don't feel completely comfortable typing what I really feel, what I really want to say. It was the same when Tim was deployed, I would keep it together, have some slight outbursts when things got tough. But at the end of the day, my closet was the only place I would allow myself to break down. It was in the closet where I would find one of his old t-shirts, hold it to my face and breathe in. Laying down on the floor, among all of his clothes I would finally allow myself to let go and be overcome with my grief and worry in muffled sobs. 

Because let's be honest, people don't want to see that. And most certainly don't know what to even say or do.

Well, I don't have a closet here. But I do have the shower...and today, for the first time, I allowed myself to really cry. I hadn't planned on it, it just sort of happened. Each day has been a little more challenging and today when I looked in the mirror, I did a double take. 

Who was that person?

It certainly wasn't something I wanted to see; the pale skin, bruises on both sides of my belly and legs from my daily shots, and worn face. Good grief. I completely lost it...and it felt great. 

Most of the time, I'm doing okay...but today I wasn't, so why lie? God knows. God has a plan. I'm the one in the dark, who wouldn't freak out now and then? But I don't have to sit here and pretend to everyone else that things are just fine. He knows, and I know that He wants me to allow myself to succumb to this whole experience and simply trust him. But pretending to be fine only gets in the way...and how does that solve anything? And then I realized that I am being transformed...and that is almost always a painful process. That is why many people fight it, refuse to change, and deny to accept what is laid before them.

Then I read my devotional this morning. It wasn't some miracle. Reading it didn't take all of my pain and suffering away. But I read a sentence that did bring me some peace...

"Great faith must have great trials."

So right now I am at a loss for words. All I can think to do is pray. Just trying to make sense of so many different things that no one should have to consider...no one should have to endure all at once. But I still have faith. Faith that this too shall pass. That one morning I will be able to leave this hospital and know that I was able to overcome the worst of circumstances, which will give me the courage to face whatever it is God has in store. Whether is be Will's death or his new life...this is preparing me for a plan other than my own.

Day Four.

This morning was a mental challenge. Woke up bleeding again unfortunetely, but the nurses said this is "normal" (as if anything going on with me is normal at all right now!). Tim spent the night at our house to take care of some things and to bring me some fresh clothes, so it was lonely to wake up alone and spend the morning trying to occupy myself. But the friendly nurses kept me company until Tim rolled in with lunch around noon.

I begged and pleaded to go outside today in the wheelchair and my wish was granted. Tim wheeled me out front to some benches outside the hospital this afternoon where I actually got some fresh air and sunshine for the first time since Thursday...my mood drastically improved. Its amazing what a little sun can do. While we were sitting there chatting, we saw the most ridiculous thing....some dude walks out in a hospital gown and pajama pants, dragging his IV line and then stands on the corner and lights up a cigarette. 

Classic. So much for my fresh air, jerk...

Very active baby today, he was all over the place during monitoring. Even kicked the paddles, my mom just laughed and my brother was getting all bent out of shape because the volume was turned up. Will's heart beat sounded like a galloping horse. 

One more day down, I am beginning to just take it hour by hour. I am so grateful these last few days have gone relatively quickly. Thank goodness for your prayers and a wonderful little thing called the internet...